I feel kind of depressed. Firstly I'm lonely. Secondly I'm gaining weight and eating too much again. I said I'd start counting calories again earlier today, and did, and was doing fine, until at like 1 am when I suddenly decided to eat 3 pieces of leftover Domino's pizza which suddenly seemed like ecstacy. When my bf was here I was able to summon more willpower and not give into those desires, since we were losing weight together. If one of us wanted to overeat something, the other would talk the person out of it, and it was even kind of fun. Now it's just me and it's far too easy to give in to eating a lot when I get depressed. I start out every day eating fine. I'll eat very little until night, when everyone else has gone to bed. Then I get binge cravings and just don't care anymore. I'm afraid to even weigh myself in case I gained all the weight I lost back - I have a feeling I did.
And tomorrow is my bf's birthday, as well as a Friday, so I'm sure he'll be drinking and I'll be too. Meaning more weight gain, so I'll have to wait until Saturday to really try to lose weight. That's if I don't end up drinking Saturday too.
My courses are another problem. I only have about 40 days until the course end date, and I'm afraid I won't get it done in time. I'm trying pretty much as hard as I can. I've been reading the right amount of my textbook per day but I'm afraid I'm not comprehending and remembering the material enough, so I'll fail the exam.
Everything's going so terribly lately, I just feel like everything is going to keep going that way. It feels like it's all my fault, like I've become bad luck or something now. Even things I have no control over, like my parents need to rent a new house very soon - within the next couple weeks. But they didn't get a couple they applied for and were hoping to get. It's actually the cat's fault, none of them are allowing cats, but I feel like it's mine. I honestly couldn't imagine us ever getting one of the decent houses, simply because everything is shit and nothing good can happen if I have anything to do with it.
I just feel like a complete loser lately. I'm 23 years old, more than half way to 24. I don't have a degree, I haven't been accepted into a University. I started trying to learn violin over a year ago and have pretty much neglected to play it for months at a time, even though I plan to start like every other day, and am no better now than I was after the first 2 months of playing. I'm getting the feeling I'm too stupid to be in this degree anyway. There's just way too much to memorize. I have a 'knack' for coding but not for any of the other things involved in CS. In the game a few guys started with computer talk about brands of processors and I had almost no idea what they were talking about because, although I`m studying the technical terms and common things among hardware and operating systems, I don`t know the current jargon and actual names of the brands and wée. I'm trying anyway but I have this huge fear if I admit it that the whole thing's going to blow up in my face somehow, that I'll just never get my degree, and I'll finally be forced to accept the fact that I'm too stupid someday with some huge embarrassing event that's going to make me ruin my life and literally want to kill myself, or something.
And even things that I`m good at, I can`t do anything. I feel old and worn out already. Like I used to have all this potential and willingness to do new things, I used to want to prove myself and have so much energy. But I feel like it`s all gone, like I`ve already lived and am completely out of energy. It`s hard to describe the feeling. Like everyone goes through a stage in which they want money and power and strive to do things. Then they someday realize that it`s all stupid, and they just want to be happy and feel no need to be driven anymore, but they have a good career now resulting form the fact that they used to be driven, and so they can lay back and be happy. I feel like I`ve already arrived at the stage, but I haven`t accomplished anything yet, so I`m forced to be pushed back. I`d be happy just living on a fucking farm somewhere tbh. I care very little about money and success. But I have no choice but to pursue that. Especially because of this border thing, because I have to financially establish myself if I ever wnat to go to the US again. So I face it, I`m able to get my motivation back somewhat, but it feels wrong somehow. Like I`m never going to be as motivated as I was before to do anything, like I`m just too tired to keep playing this game of trying to achieve things. I mean it is important to me, I want to achieve certain things, at least my bachelor`s degree and to get a decent job and wée. I just feel like I should have done it already and am tired, stuck in this education loop in which I`ll constantly be in school.