I don't mean to be blunt, but... that's a pretty big change to not notice, what's keeping you with someone like that? :/
No, and I'm very worried about the implications of that.... She's been gone for a very long time now. :(
Printable View
The few recurring characters I have don't feel like DCs either, but that almost makes it worse. They are...sharply dual-natured, so I can't count on them to act a certain way. Jack is only my friend if I agree with him. Liam...well, don't even get me started on Liam. It's like he knows all I can do when I see him is fall all over myself and fawn like a moron, so he shows up and keeps his distance, making me watch him. I cant even stand close to him without completely forgetting what I'm doing. At least he seems apologetic about it, even if he always seems grim.
I can understand the impulse to ignore or avoid. They cause a kind of emotional havoc, appearing like they do. But honestly, those infrequent interactions are all that's keeping me from going a little nuts in the waking world.
I don't know. We've been together almost eight years. What would I even do with myself if I left? We've got a really strange...balance to our relationship, well, maybe not so much lately. It feels like we're just friends who sometimes pretend to be in a relationship. But I can't leave. Where would I go? My worry about what would happen to him is greater than any unhappiness I feel for myself.
You and countless others waste huge chunks of their lifetimes in detrimental relationships for these same silly reasons. What would you do with yourself if you left? You'd get back in the dating game, you goof. :0
If you feel like you've forgotten "how to date" then use the countless dating advice blogs, websites, forums, etc out there devoted to people in your situation. There's plenty of resources out there.
If I were you, I'd tell him to pull it together or simply move on.
I don't know where to begin on telling you why it's more complicated than that. It shouldn't be, we aren't married, we don argue, but we don't talk either. We don't even sleep in the same room. It should be easy. It isn't though, it's like he has no idea any of this stuff is happening. Tha makes it a lot harder. I can't lie, but he doesn't understand the same things I to. So if I say "this isn't working out." He'll say "you don't want to be with me?" And I'd say that I do, but that doesn't mean we should be.
Then we'll go round and round for hours and days until he confuses my intent and wears me down so that I stay. And very briefly, things will get better.
That's what happened when I tried to leave. I'm in even deeper now. I don't think it's an option, unless he comes to the conclusion that we aren't working out and lets me go.
Besides, I don't want to date. The only person I'd want doesn't actually exist, he's just some fragment of my subconscious that appears at random.
He started appearing when I was very young and set the bar stupidly high.
I am completely depressed. If I had more alcohol, I'd be getting drunk till I pass out.
Julia Gillard was just replaced as PM. For the last 3 years straight, the Murdoch media (now owns around 80% of the news here in Australia) has been running completely fucking made up bullshit propaganda, twisting everything and making everything she does look like some major fuckup or betrayal.
Just in case you think I'm exaggerating, they fucking berated her for doing a KNITTING PHOTOSHOOT!!!! Yes, that is correct, a knitting photoshoot, is there anything less harmful than knitting? How could they possibly even construe that as bad? Believe me, I have no idea, but they did.
She was leader of a minority government, meaning the opposition has *almost* as much power as the Government did. But she managed to introduce the National Disability scheme, helping disabled people get training and work, launched an inquiry in to child sexual abuse with the Catholic church (which never would have happened under our previous, and religious PM's), put a price on carbon and emission trading scheme, forcing polluters to pay more, while making sure everyday people don't, which pushes for a move toward renewable energy, and also worked for gender equality.
Meanwhile, the media bashed her for inquiring in to the church because "they have self regulation" (dear fucking lord almighty), bashed her for putting a financial burden on "hard working Australians" even though we actually got tax cuts and only biggest polluters paid more, and said she is "playing the gender card".
Yes, you see, when women call out sexism, they are "playing the gender card", didn't you know? Sexism doesn't exist! Rejoice!
She is THE best Prime Minister this country has ever seen, it's been the most successful Government despite all the pressure, we have a fantastic economy because of her (pretty much the only country which didn't go in to a recession because of her economic stimulus plan) and every serious political commentator has said exactly this.
History will remember her for the absolutely outstanding accomplishments she has achieved. It's just do goddamned sad that it can't be realised now so that she could get another term as PM. She could have achieved so much more, I can't even imagine.
Fuck this country, bunch of fucking cunts. I want to see the opposition win next election and turn this country in to the steaming pile of shit it deserves. I'm done.
That's the difference between you and me. The dream guy i see in dreams, is actually real, he is living somewhere else with his own life and so do i....thing is we both have a spiritual connection, reason why the dreams and channeling of the mind aka telepathy.
Proof falls all when i was young too, i met him when i was in my pre-teens and started having dreams of him about 6 months or so after meeting, and this is a long ass time ago and still going now, says a lot about why i dream of him and the connection.
I am so glad i am not having more than one guy in my dream trying to get me lol, one is enough, but he wouldn't let that happen though, he is very cautious and protective about other guys in my dreams and doesn't easily trust them.
He wouldn't let them come near me, but i had a few dreams where guys were kidnapping me and causing trouble only to see if he will do something, and sometimes he would not be there at the time but he would stress about it in the next dream.
These other guys is only my DCs but i think they have some ties with the dream guy, i really don't think it's my subconscious doing it.
I don't think it's pathetic that you're getting inspiration from your dreaming counterpart. I feel it's very natural for people to look forward to an ideal image they imposed towards a dream character. You just want to look the best that you can be and being as attractive as you can be. Even as you think it's "pathetic," it's really a useful tool in just knowing that your mind can truly help change you into the path that you want to reach. I did the same thing for creating dream characters where I placed faith into them being the ideal image of myself. And as you, I, and people who are just trying to have a good image for others, there's noting wrong with you taking advantage and putting to good use of something like this that we normally aren't aware of until we find a forum like this or someone mentions that lucid dreaming and dreaming overall can help us with things like improving and appreciating our image.
Like what my response to the second part that you feel concerned about with yourself and how others interact with you, I can tell you right now, that despite of what my opinions will contain below being limited on what I see and observe in people.Quote:
Just from the poor quality picture I posted, it may not look like much of a difference, but my hair is usually (an obvious) medium brown with red tones in certain lights.
I'm posting to complain about two things:
1: I'm pathetic.
- Most attractive females, or just any female in general, tend to feel that they're not really showing others who they really are in terms of physical looks. Whether it's the:
- "Oh, this lighting makes my face look horrible."
- "Ugh, this saturation isn't making more lips too neon- glossy!"
- "Ugh, I only have my phone to like make this stupid photo myself, ugggggh."
And because people don't really communicate with you on your looks (whether it's because they're insecure with their own or just don't know how to compliment you well enough), you feel like they may not like you as much.
And even though I'm just one person with just one perspective on how I view you as a person, and that everyone will view you differently, I think it's fair to say that you're going to look pretty damn attractive and beautiful on any quality photo you post of yourself.
And I'm sure you're meaning the one you posted in the pictures thread, which I felt was just fine, and if it was posted in 1080p HD, that would be overkill, so you did us a favor to not get too overloaded with how good you look. ( :cheeky: )
This is just my own opinion, and I know how people gauge others on beauty is subjective, but I'll just be honest with you. When I see attractive females like yourself, no scratch that, when I see an amazingly attractive and beautiful females such as yourself, I usually have a cognitive dissonance as to why a boyfriend like the one you have wouldn't be appreciating your looks, or you wanting to change his perception on your personality . But because of the responses you gave to others, it seems you're so far into the relationship where it's just lukewarm and stagnant.Quote:
2: My boyfriend didn't notice or care that my hair had drastically changed color. I guess that's because he rarely looks at me.
Is that three things?
Let's make it four, eh?
He doesn't want to do much since I'm sure after all those years, he'll know almost everything about you, and if you don't have much of a mystery to yourself with him, he's just either waiting to marry you, break up with you, or something else. But with how he seems to immediately respond, "So you want to break up with me?" He probably also knows you're there for him because you do feel pity for him for whatever reasons you have.
Yeah, dream characters can get to the point where they're fully aware and competent enough to not really be shifted by your desire for them to deviate or change. It's almost as if their invulenerability is just our desire to let them think for themselves because by doing so (like how you tend to model bit by bit of your dreaming counterpart), they're a reflection of a person you can be and much more. So although you might think they're dual-natured as if it's a bad thing, I think you can count on them to ask for a different opinion other than just your perspective. I feel this is what people eventually want, dream characters that have their own sense of self, which can allow us to see things in new perspectives when we talk about them with things we're conflicted with in life.Quote:
You can safely assume that if my boyfriend doesn't look at me, then we don't kiss very often. I shouldn't be surprised, I can't even get DCs to kiss me. Unless you count creepy green/yellow guy (I don't).
I agree that when dream characters get to that level of being a safety net for us in tolerating just existing in this world, we tend to treasure those infrequent interactions more than our actual bonds with people in waking life. So while you feel they cause an emotional havoc, it feels so good either way because you know they can't really do something so negative to you; they are parts of your mind that can show unconditional love more than anyone can in our waking life. Because of your faith to just have someone to hold on to, someome to just be there by your side, they'll usually play the role of someone there that'll pat your head and stroke your hair as you descend into feeling more calm and happy with your state of being.Quote:
I can understand the impulse to ignore or avoid. They cause a kind of emotional havoc, appearing like they do. But honestly, those infrequent interactions are all that's keeping me from going a little nuts in the waking world.
You see, with how you have dream characters that almost fill the gaps you're looking for in a guy, although you feel it's not perfect, you admitted their infrequent interactions is what keeps your chin up in this world. Personally, I have someone like that in my dreams, so I found myself not really caring much about women that I used to like anymore. I understand that you're trying to be compassionate towards him and being concerned about his safety if you were to break up with him, but it's clear he's not really that interesting to you as he used to be. You don't want to shoulder the burden of breaking up with him, and you're waiting for him to see that things aren't working out. You don't have to believe what I'm saying, but that's how I feel it is right now with you and him.
You stated that you would be more concerned about what would happen to him if you left rather than how unhappy you'll feel, but it's clear you just want to let go because he's not something interesting to you anymore. Before you knew him, maybe you had limerence or an infatuation for him that was so strong, he probably (at the time) was the most dreamiest guy you found in your waking life. But now that both of you have practically drained each other out in terms of knowing who you both are as individuals, you just want to let go.
Here's the thing about how we tend to have stronger attachments with dream characters/thought-forms in our dreams and often compare them to people in waking life. From personal experience, and even still going through it right now, I tend to be less interested in dating women because those private lucid dreams I keep myself with a fragment of my subconscious that I like satisfies most of my needs. And like you, they tend to show up at random and I also value any chance I could be with that aspect of my mind. But you had this person on your mind since you were young, so as you're growing, they're most likely becoming redefined as your unconscious is filling them with traits that you prefer, even if you think they're causing an emotional havoc.Quote:
Besides, I don't want to date. The only person I'd want doesn't actually exist, he's just some fragment of my subconscious that appears at random.
He started appearing when I was very young and set the bar stupidly high.
I won't deny that the type of relationships we have with fragments of our mind is probably the best we can really have, seeing as their existence has more potential of expressing unconditional love that can be so consistent the more faith and desire we want in this being so. Compare that to people in waking life, we want to wish the best for them, we want to have faith that they'll come to an understanding, but the fact that we can't change them and that they have their own sense of self and independence, it makes things difficult...very difficult.
The thing is, you have to be practical with yourself, it's a conflict with:
Aspects of your mind vs. People in Waking Life
We'll find ourselves naturally shifted towards fragments of ourselves, because if our subconscious can create near-perfect projections of what we want out of people, then for us, it feels insane to worry about people in waking life right? You are free to do whatever you want with these people in your dreams, you have the privacy and right to do what makes you happy, but when dream characters become much more than ultimate companions, balancing that with real people we potentially want to be in a relationship in is difficult.
You know that deep down, even if you have attraction towards them beyond just friend, they're only real in your mind because of your faith in them. And as you go through remembering those infrequent moments, you want that to happen more often, and again, it's perfectly fine that you as a person just want to have other parts of yourself to delegate the burden of tolerating this world. When we go so far into dreaming and interacting with parts of ourselves like this, it almost feels that if we just want to forget that, it really hurts us, it's like if we take them out of our existence, we feel we're killing a part of ourselves that had potential, but just faded away.
How I try to cope with this myself with the dream characters and thought-forms I like more than others is that they are reflections of myself of who I want to be and who I want to see in people. I take that to my advantage to hopefully start searching for those people in waking life. But I often find myself not being able to because younger people just have their own problems to worry about before we get the chance to really know them. And you might reach to a point in your bond with them when you know they only exist because of your faith in them, and you'll start questioning why they have to be there to be a safety net or just helping you cope with life. You'll start to try and solve everything all at once, freeze, and thus you have lukewarm life that gets you nowhere.
Here's the thing, even though you don't want to date anyone because these thought-forms in your dreams have everything you want, take their persona bit by bit and find people that can fit those attributes. If you expect anyone to come close to your dreaming counterparts and encompasses all that you want from them, you're only setting yourself up for disappointment. Their existence is part of yourself that adds on to how you as an individual will find how to love herself more. I don't think you can really be happier for anyone other than yourself in the long run. Whether it's children, friends, families, how we react to them and live with them is how we want to expand ourselves outward when we come to a resolution with ourselves from within. Just like people in our dreams, people in waking life are extensions of our desire to just keep moving forward and learning how to find different labels of love from others.
And your bond with your dream characters reminds me of this saying here:
Splicd 16:04 to 16:28 · Cowboy Bepop ep. 25 - The Real Folk Blues - English Dubbed
And here's what you should consider:
Splicd 21:31 to 21:35 · Cowboy Bepop ep. 25 - The Real Folk Blues - English Dubbed
The people you meet in your dreams are an extension of yourself and how you cope and experience with reality. See them as a progressive base in being able to adapt to the situations that will come to you in your life, and start finding the hope again that you lost after not seeing it in others. You have all of these aspects of your mind at your advantage, to be there when all else fails. Even though we may not know where we'll be headed with life, taking this bit by bit, and focusing on what we can do now, especially with fragments of ourselves that can truly help us if we believe they can, we'll find ourselves getting what we want.
You're not pathetic, you're not crazy or delusional for just wanting to be with others in your dreams. Everyone needs the type of unconditional love our minds can give in our dreams, but see that component as a supplement in your life.
Your page of writing is hurting my eyes, but...
Agreed. :?
I'm not explaining myself very well. Jack is definitely a part of my subconscious. If anything, he's a kinder version of Wolf (haven't seen him in a while, and things were never romantic between us), Liam is more like a memory. Just like Saja. I think he's someone I used to know, someone who used to exist and doesn't anymore. I know I can't have him, just like I can't be Saja. He isn't here and I am. Someday I'll see him again, but I'm certain it won't be in this life.
...and Jack never tries to get at me. I'm always trying to get at him haha, I've had three dreams now where I tried to kiss him and he just shakes his head.
It must be nice to know yours is out in the world somewhere. Opposed, of course, to knowing he exists somewhere.
I can't post proper responses from my phone, but I still wanna thank Linkzelda for giving such an eloquent response. I appreciate your time talking with me, I don't really have people I can say this to in person.
It's only pathetic because I don't want to be like Saja, I want to be Saja. It's pathetic because I have to scroung for things that will make me (just a little) more happy.
I don't know. :/
Saja's just a reflection of you, a collection of personality traits that you already posses. You just have to fine tune them until you're more like "her." My "dream self" was the exact opposite of my irl self, until I started doing some tweaking. Two years later, I'm nothing like my old self and much closer to my dream self. Just put in the time and effort and you'll start noticing a change in your personality/living situation.
And if that doesn't work, sacrifice a a lamb to Zeus Almighty and ask for some divine intervention.
...ah look at me, over-sharing. I'm entirely sober too.
I'm sure you're right, I just have to work at it.
I totally misread that as 'sacrifice a lamb to Jesus' and thought "Do you want him to smite me or something?"Quote:
And if that doesn't work, sacrifice a a lamb to Zeus Almighty and ask for some divine intervention.
Uhm so....
I'm a sucker for love http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yre5nBXAxyk
I'm already in love this girl from work. WTF is wrong with me!!?? Aghgghghghhhh!
Edit: I think she may like me too, but I have no idea what to talk about.
I ranted and raved about it so much I though i would stop by and say I finally got a job! First week just ended working 4 10s having a good time.
My cousin came over today and we smoked. I never realized how it sort of emotionally "numbs" me after the high wears off. Don't really like that feeling; I'm listening to songs that usually cut deep and get me worked up, but it isn't working. Think I might just go to sleep.
Same thing happens to me with alcohol. Just have it a few hours before bed or stay high all day :P
Congrats, welcome to the newly employed club :D Things are looking up!
So, I happened upon this Cholecystitis - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia and it reminds me of all the things Zhaylin always complained about.
If so, maybe she has just gone to the hospital? Can't really see anything in there that indicates it can kill you, although I just skimmed it as I'm reading heaps of other stuff at the moment.
RAVE!!!! :D
I talked to that girl today. Pretty sure she's in to me as well. We had a few short conversations, got to know each other a bit and basically hung around each other all day, so I'm pretty happy right now. Still working on this conversation stuff though, hope I can get better at it.
Insomniaaaaa.... :boggle: I think it's been about a week now since I stopped smoking.... I got about five hours of sleep last night, which is making progress. But the only reason I even got that much is because I took 10 mg of melatonin. I always forget how much this part sucks....
I can't... stop... thinking.... :wtf2:
That's awesome! I hope it continues to go well. :content:
Just finished writing an exam which I idiotically neglected to study for at all until about 4 days before the test. I'm not sure how it happened. After procrastinating on my essay last month and somehow pulling it off in the last couple days, I promised myself I'd never procrastinate again with this type of thing. But I've said that before, and as always I did it again.
I think I may have failed it but I'm not sure. It will be so horrible if I did, then I'd fail the course and it would make it even harder for me to get into a university and it would mean I'd have to retake the course. Now I've gotten only 5 hours of sleep which is like nothing for me, so tired and moody, which is made worse by how the test went, plus pms symptoms I think. I have a headache, feel like I'm going to cry. I just feel like such a fucking loser. I'd think after high school, in college, planning to go to university, being older than most people are in their 3rd years already, I'd have learned not to be stupid with studying. But I haven't. I just feel like a loser, living with my parents who also think I'm a loser and have a problem with me being in school for so long. A few weeks ago my dad brought it up to me, by asking me "how long have you been in college now?" (5 years) "and what year are you in?" (entering year 3). "Now don't you think that's a long time to be in school for? I mean that isn't normal is it?" It just annoyed me so fucking much. It's like my parents both think I have no thoughts in my head other than those I speak aloud which are pretty much none. Does he think I don't feel like absolute shit already about living with my parents and being in school for so long? And after all that, with how badly I want to get out of here and get through school, I still managed to procrastinate on a course which I've probably failed now in consequence which will make it all even worse.
Right now I feel I'll never do that again. I'll study for any future courses I take in sensible amounts every day. But I've felt this way before and I always manage to do it again. I know why it happens, it's sort of a paradox. On any given day way before I need to cram for a test, it's true that I don't 'have to' study today. If I don't really feel like it I can just do it tomorrow since I have so much time. But then the same thought occurs every day until I really do have to cram.
And now I hear my my talking downstairs. I can't hear very well but it sounds like her voice may be elevated and I feel terrified like I always do when I think someone (especially her) might be yelling, especially if it's caused by disappointment in me. I worry it's stupid and immature of me to be so affected by my mom yelling. That's like the type of thing little kids are afraid of. But she used to yell a lot when I was younger and fear of it was put into me then. Maybe she abused us or something. I don't have any memories of anything but spanking and sending us to our rooms and general yelling and throwing things (not at me), but I don't know how else to explain how great a fear I have of her being upset. It may honestly be my biggest fear. I just feel like I'm going to die or something. Even now that she's been in a generally better mood the last few years, I'm still afraid every time I pass her that she'll blow up at something.
For once it feels like typing about all of this has only made it worse, elevated the feeling.
I really need to find an activity partner. The only people I really do things with are my aunt, my brother, and my boyfriend. I feel like I don't have anyone to just go do stuff with. Go to museums, or the club, or what have you. It kind of bums me out and makes me feel sad. Which sucks.
Applied for a promotion and got it. I'm worried I bit off more than I can chew with this one, that I'm not smart enough to retain all this information and that I don't have the will to go out of my way to learn things to really get good at it. I suppose if that's the case then I'll have to find something new.
It feels like this is my last stop with the company anyway, changing places in the store will only distract me from my hate for retail for a little while longer.
UUUGHGHHHHH 7 hours of work today, my feet are killing me and I shaved my ass a while ago and it was chafing. LOL
Oh dear lord I hurt. I regret so bad agreeing to work for 10 hours on Monday now. Goddammit.
Yeaaah........ I may have spoken too soon. She doesn't seem to want to talk that much, yesterday she did but
today she doesn't. I was actually the one making conversation but she sort of gave answers and that was it, so it
left me with nowhere to take the conversation.
I guess I should have realised she's way out of my league, and just friendly.
I need to stop tying my emotions to external things. Way too many ups and downs.
It's hard turning your life around. If I ever get a chance to go back in time, I'm going to beat the piss out of my younger self so that he gets his shit together in a timely fashion. Fucking 21 years old, goddamn.
Same. Just remember you will be saying the same thing 10 years from now if you don't start changing now, so you can decide to be like "fuck it, I've screwed up everything" or actually do something. It's never too late, as cliche as that phrase is, just be glad you have the insight to realise it at 21 instead of when you're 40 and have a mid-life crisis.