Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat??!!!! SNOW TOMORROW MORNING???? WTH CAN SOMEONE KILL ME PLEASE????! AT LEAST 5CM! URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! It was so nice today like 18 degrees then it changes tomorrow to snow??? wtff man? It did rain but it wasn't cold :\ we had many days of good spring weather so now it turns back??


RAVE: I had awesome dreams

I had a weird dream where I had to plan a vacation for tommo and crashy. Together they'd been to like all these places, and for some reason I ended up choosing Australia, where tommo didn't actually live. Instead it was like a native island. Long kind of pointless dream. For some reason I don't usually dream about DV people lately so it seemed worth mentioning.

Another day of waking up at noon. I planned to wake up super early today, to adequately plan what I'd do about shopping, etc. Now I have 5 hours to straighten my hair, figure out what I'm going to buy and go shopping. My exams start on the 22nd. I've not been studying nearly enough, and if I don't start soon I may be screwed. Especially for this one class, the midterms I've been almost failing.

Minor rant: Something which I've noticed infuriates me lately is when someone gets a pretty high mark, like 86+, on something (usually it's like 90+), and they complain that they didn't do better. A lot of American schools seem to just kinda give out grades, unless all the Americans I've talked to are geniuses or soemthing, because I've literally never heard of an American doing badly on a test. I've heard that they think they'll do badly because they didn't study much, but the questions turn out easy and the marking is easy so they end up getting like 90+% anyway. A couple days ago this friend online, a 35 year old who's going back to school, played the immature "I'm turning into such a nerd" card because he's starting to enjoy Math (a math level that's like 2 years below mine). He's seriously playing the 'cool nerd' card, like he's saying it like he's worried he's becoming a nerd but he's obviously proud of it. It's just such a 13-year-old-girl mentality I had to leave in disgust after just saying 'lol' or w/e. What annoyed me was that he said "I got 95% on a test. I'm upset that I didn't do better." ..... After I just got out of a test which I pretty much failed after studying really hard, that's just... infuriating.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

You would think that would be the case. I think a lot of gals are afraid of the pain that comes with tearing the hymen. I was terrified.
And the pain was still bad. still don't really understand why. I pushed my "first" off of me three different times because the pain was too bad. And, bless his heart, he let me.

I was going to say this before then decided it was too 'personal', but I'll spoiler it now.

Spoiler for tampon troubles:

I remember when I was like 13, I had to go to summer camp and I was so terrified, because they force you to swim and I knew I'd get my period while there. On top of that, I didn't know how to wear a tampon. I'd tried a few times before and it just never went in. I wasn't sure where to even put it exactly... and would push until it hurt, then I didn't want to accidentally burst through my urethra or something so I'd be afraid to push more. I'd just gotten my period (at the same camp, another story) the year before and that memory of having to tell strangers (I was extremely shy when I was little) plus the horror itself of having blood come out of me sent me panicking. I was soo upset, it was literally the most stressful thing that's ever occurred in my life. For some reason I felt like it was such a huge deal. I was too embarrassed to tell the counsellors that I couldn't swim because I was on my period, but I couldn't ignore them because they'll literally push you into the water if you don't go swimming. So for a year between the two summers that problem haunted me. Every so often I'd take time to try to put a tampon in, but it was always the same problem. I looked up diagrams, I looked it up online, and the instructions were always the same, to 'just push and it should slide right in,' never going beyond that. There'd usually be a diagram but I couldn't really correlate it to myself. So I ended up not doing anything about it, and sitting on the dock, trying to pretend I wasn't hot in 100+ degrees(f) weather while everyone else was swimming. That was torture. Then since I didn't have to go to camp anymore I forgot about it and stuck to pads.

Worse, until I had sex I always kinda thought there might be something wrong with me. Why was I the only one who had these tampon problems? Why did nothing come up when I searched for it? So I kinda had the fear in the back of my mind until a couple years ago that there was literally something wrong with me.

It wasn't until like a year after I had sex for the first time, only a few months ago actually, that it occurred to me that I could probably wear tampons now. And they are FUCKING AMAZING! And actual sex was easier because, well for one thing he knew where to put it due to porn, and I think with the actual thing it's a lot more obvious even to the girl, because it's what's actually supposed to go in.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

hehe, now Tommo's cute It's refreshing to see a male join in a conversation about female "problems".
You would think that would be the case. I think a lot of gals are afraid of the pain that comes with tearing the hymen. I was terrified.
And the pain was still bad. still don't really understand why. I pushed my "first" off of me three different times because the pain was too bad. And, bless his heart, he let me.

...I don't have a mind for languages. I couldn't even learn Spanish in high school even though I had learned a lot when I lived in Puerto RIco (they taught it at our elementary school). I don't even know proper English grammar. WHy do you place a comma or semi colon where you do? What the heck is up with proper nouns, adverbs and all that other jazz lol I just don't get it.

hehe, I really have no qualms about it. I don't really get effected in any way by biological functions I guess.
Except that it's kind of interesting to learn about the things women have to go through.

It does effect me if it's a bad thing (like how women are treated in a lot of places.... you wouldn't believe some of the things Lankan girl told me.... feel so bad for her....), but I mean I'm not grossed out by periods or anything like that, it's just something new to learn.

Ok now you join my conversation about things with a female perspective....
Why would a girl....
Ok so a manager was like "do you want to help Lankan girl" (to finish her section of the store) and I was like.... uhhhh, no....
And then almost-18 girl was like.... eager to help out. She was like "I'll do it!"
What is that?
I mean, for context, I know 100% she likes me. Why would she do that?
Just curiosity. I have a couple of theories, but want to get a female perspective as well.
This is completely non-sexual for the record, she's too young, I prefer older girls. Maybe due to maturity I guess, older girls are more likely to be mature emotionally, or girls around my age who are mature.
Just sociologically curious as to why a girl would do that.

Haha, I was just thinking that the other day. Well, a similar thing. I was like "I can't even form proper sentences in English, how in the living hell am I supposed to do it in Chinese!?" lol
When I want to say something, I mumble or pause before I can think of how to form the sentence in a proper way which conveys what I really want to say.
And I often find myself being behind in conversations and it feels like everyone talks to quickly; I'm still trying to think of what I ant to say or remember what I was going to say, when the person has already moved on to another thing.

Yeah I really never bothered to learn pronouns and common whatevers etc. I don't care about the names for things.
I knew pretty much completely correct grammar by 2nd grade just by reading and deducing, I don't care what the terms for things are, or if I write completely grammatically correct all the time, as long as my point gets across.

When they talk about that stuff in Chinese, I just tune out as well.

Maybe that's bad, but whatever....

Rave-ish: I did pretty well n the Chinese test I think.
There were way less characters than I thought, but I was able to remember enough, eventually, and using the small amount of characters in the test, I could recall the rest. I got a couple of characters completely mixed up, but hopefully I at least passed it.

Grats on your test, Tommo.
Forgive my lack of reading comprehension (I just woke up lol) but were there 2 Lankan girls or just one? Either way, she probably jumped in to do it #1: a cultural thing? #2: To impress you. When I was growing up I was madly "in love" with this guy. My dad hired him to rake up the leaves in our backyard but he was stalling. I went out there and raked all the leaves and insisted my boyfriend get paid for it *sheesh* I was such a sucker back then. But I did it because I liked him and wanted to show my dedication or whatever. Maybe she's doing something similar?

As for English grammar and such... I'm a good speaker. I just place commas and whatever where I'd normally pause in a conversation. So I could pass my tests, when I was a kid, until I had to start identifying and breaking down the information

Cool dream, Dianeva. I've dreamed of DV members a few times, but that's it. As for your spoiler... I lucked up. my family was going to spend the day in New Orleans (a 4-6 hour drive). I wasn't feeling well so I stayed home. When I started, I walked down the street to my moms bestfriend and asked for pads. Everyone was like "It's about time!" I was 14 or so when I started. My folks took me to doctors and everything because they thought I was unwell (the rumor at the time was anorexia )

Hathor, lol, I know that feeling! It was 84 degrees yesterday. It might snow a little today with a high of 54 and a low of 24. I don't mind it though. I dislike the heat of summer.

My rants are that I stayed awake until 3AM to try to see the "blood moon". It was too cloudy . Then I turned around and slept until 12:30 (after waking at 6 for 30 minutes).
A rant/rave is that I had some old stress dreams. They were very vivid and imply I feel my life is out of control. In the dream, I was driving and slipped off a bridge into some water. I was about to quickly get out of the car. Suddenly, though, my hubby was the one in the drivers seat and he was trying to steer away from walls beneath the water (like a dam or something). He told me to wait. We were quickly swooped by the water and plunged to the bottom as if we were in a whirlpool. The water started flooding the car at that point. He still told me to wait. to hold my breath and open the doors once the water filled the car. I was panicking and woke.

Another rant/rave is that when I went outside to try to see the moon, I heard owls. I looked for them but couldn't see them. I talked with them for a while, lol, and then it occurred to me that they're probably the reason for the missing kittens (in the past). I can't wait for this new litter to get bigger. They using the bathroom everywhere even though we have the literbox clean and available to them.

Oh yes, and my bribery worked well. I got two clean rooms out of my threats. I told them those rooms are to STAY clean or they'll be living on Ramen. I'm tired of the filth!

I felt really depressed yesterday. Last night I had a dream, one of those dreams that piss you off when you realize they're not real. But I got to dream it, nonetheless. I've said this before but it needs repeating, it's funny how even when I'm stuck in this situation, my dreams can fool me into thinking for a moment at a time that I'm not really stuck at all. That my desires aren't empty and living is not as pointless as my disillusionment demands. They save me, and it's not even because I think they're really obtainable. It's not about hanging in there, things will get better. It's more like they're healing me.

I am so furious I'm shaking. But at least it's a contained fury for now.
Remember when I wrote I had my daughter call me and she did at 2AM? I asked her where my wedding rings were and she said "In a box" and that she'd give them to me when she got home.
well, she didn't come home so I worried that she was stalling. I just went into her room and there were no boxes there. But there was a box in another room so I checked it. It did, indeed, hold all the stuff from that end table... except for my rings.
So, I just called her and asked simply: "Which Pawn Shop did you take my rings to?" She said she was on her way home and she'd talk to me about it when she got here. Then she hung up on me.

The rings are inscribed so they'd be easy to identify. But I have no money to buy them back. If she even took them to a pawn shop. I can't ask hubby for the money because he'd know she stole them. several years ago, my brother tried to break into his house for drugs or stuff to sell for drugs. He has been banned from our property ever since. Hubby doesn't even like me to say my brothers name. What the hell?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How did I manage to raise kids with so little regard for others?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**EDIT**
I called the nearest Pawn Shop and asked them about my rings. They said the rings didn't sound familiar but took my name and number. My daughter got home and said she had taken them there. I loaded her into the car and drove right over. The women didn't remember her but my daughter talked to a man. I didn't remember any men ever being there so I thought she was lying so I said "Well, if they don't have a record of you, we can let the cops sort it out." But I guess the Pawn Shop owner thought it was a threat to them? They found my rings after some looking (and a man does work there now).
They said they'd hold my rings until my daughter gets paid on the 21. *whew* My eyes were welling up at the pawn shop. I was so infuriated. My daughter tried to put it off on the couple who was here. She said the girl said the rings were her grandmothers and they needed gas money. But my daughter pawned (sold) them.

On the way back home I told my daughter if she ever stole from me again she would be banned from the property just like her Uncle Harold. I also told her to try to start telling the truth especially since I don't get angry as most people do.
I then went to the store but worried that she'd self-injure, so I called her and told her she was forbidden to cut over this. I could hear her rolling her eyes "I don't do that any more, Mother." Yeah right. As horrible and visible as her scars are? It's like being an alcoholic. You can quit for years and years but something stupid can trip you up if you're not careful.

Ironically i had to do an errand to replace a modem plug at a store near my mall, totally out of my daily routine of things to do and a sudden errand i had to do.
So i went to wait and replace the power plug, then i went to the store to buy my daughter kinder surprise because she asked before we left.
Guess who i encounter at this ironic time?...someone that used to work at my job at telemarketing....a guy, and this is like about almost SIX years later and he never changed a bit, i recognized him off the bat even though he had a beard now...i notice he didn't see me and he still walks with a smile on his face as he always does before seems like he's happy and i didnt say anything or approach him because i don't know how his life is now.
FYI this guy used to come to me all the time and try and talk to me while i was still with my ex long distance, i told him i'm seeing someone else but that didn't stop him from talking at work to me, i seen that he's a nice guy and if i wasn't with my ex at the time i would have been with him because he liked talking and he listens to me very attentively which i like lol.
But then after a few months he chosen to go out with some other woman who was alot older than him but he's fine with that and that's when he stopped coming to me and i was fine with that because the timing wasn't that good anyways.
WELL, today the timing wasn't great as well, i seen him at the store and i walked around hoping i won't see him again, then i went around the food isle and back down and encountered him again but he didn't notice me....THEN this is when i knew the timing wasn't right AND it wasn't meant to be anyways...because his girlfriend was there...i don't know if it was the same girl but all i seen was her back but seems like a new girl because she kissed him in public...(we all know when a girl or guy does that it means the relationship is new...even i know this i dated too much and i ended up married).
SO i was like....YEP wasn't meant to be...walked away fast to the express line hoping that we won't bump into each other again. YEP my day.
I call this a RANT/RAVE.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

I am so furious I'm shaking. But at least it's a contained fury for now.
Remember when I wrote I had my daughter call me and she did at 2AM? I asked her where my wedding rings were and she said "In a box" and that she'd give them to me when she got home.
well, she didn't come home so I worried that she was stalling. I just went into her room and there were no boxes there. But there was a box in another room so I checked it. It did, indeed, hold all the stuff from that end table... except for my rings.
So, I just called her and asked simply: "Which Pawn Shop did you take my rings to?" She said she was on her way home and she'd talk to me about it when she got here. Then she hung up on me.

The rings are inscribed so they'd be easy to identify. But I have no money to buy them back. If she even took them to a pawn shop. I can't ask hubby for the money because he'd know she stole them. several years ago, my brother tried to break into his house for drugs or stuff to sell for drugs. He has been banned from our property ever since. Hubby doesn't even like me to say my brothers name. What the hell?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How did I manage to raise kids with so little regard for others?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**EDIT**
I called the nearest Pawn Shop and asked them about my rings. They said the rings didn't sound familiar but took my name and number. My daughter got home and said she had taken them there. I loaded her into the car and drove right over. The women didn't remember her but my daughter talked to a man. I didn't remember any men ever being there so I thought she was lying so I said "Well, if they don't have a record of you, we can let the cops sort it out." But I guess the Pawn Shop owner thought it was a threat to them? They found my rings after some looking (and a man does work there now).
They said they'd hold my rings until my daughter gets paid on the 21. *whew* My eyes were welling up at the pawn shop. I was so infuriated. My daughter tried to put it off on the couple who was here. She said the girl said the rings were her grandmothers and they needed gas money. But my daughter pawned (sold) them.

On the way back home I told my daughter if she ever stole from me again she would be banned from the property just like her Uncle Harold. I also told her to try to start telling the truth especially since I don't get angry as most people do.
I then went to the store but worried that she'd self-injure, so I called her and told her she was forbidden to cut over this. I could hear her rolling her eyes "I don't do that any more, Mother." Yeah right. As horrible and visible as her scars are? It's like being an alcoholic. You can quit for years and years but something stupid can trip you up if you're not careful.

All i can say is WOW.

Tired of basically being a yes man. Also tired of letting my so called friends stay at my place. They are homeless but I'm beginning to think enough is enough... One of the friends is pretty cool but the other can be a total jerk... I'm better off I think when I live alone.

I took in homeless friends a lot, it started to piss me off. I acted like a dick and one of them robbed me. My advice, it's cool to help people out who help themselves, it's not that hard this time of year to sleep outside, just make sure they can't pull any petty revenge if you kick them out.

My bigger advice: Never be afraid to be a fucking sociopath or a narcissist when it's necessary, but cover your bases if you do. Or if you don't, because people will still fuck you even if you're always a yes man. Someone will fuck you, steal your DVDs and try to sell them back to you to buy heroin. Seriously, you aren't done learning about someone until you know there's more to learn about them.

I mean, you gotta trust someone in this world, I get that. But it takes time to get to know people, and likable people aren't necessarily good people.

I'm so fucking tired. My brain won't shut up, I'm stressed, and I've only gotten about three hours of sleep in the past two days and shitty sleep for the past few months.

Agree with OP. My big rules in life: You are not obligated to help anyone, and no one should expect to receive your help. If you do help someone, make sure they aren't just being a leech and are actively trying to improve their situation themselves. If helping people sucks the life out of you something is going wrong with the relationship and it needs to be reevaluated. Don't be afraid to end relationships with toxic people.

Anyways, that's how I see it. Most people think my rules are super harsh, but I'm not against helping people. I'm against enabling people. And I've gotta say, every time I've purposefully ended a relationship like that, my well-being improves.

Zhaylin: Glad you're getting your rings back! I'm sorry your daughter is acting like that. :/ :hugs:

Ugh... I had more stress dreams. I was flying (using a scarf to catch the wind), but I couldn't control up and down. I'd bring the edges of the scarf together to let the air out so I'd descend, but I kept going higher and higher. My old childhood fear of being whisked into space returned and I panicked. I got back onto the ground somehow and continued racing through the woods (as I was previously... it was just hilly and I was trying to save travel time lol). I came upon some water and had to dive in. I knew the water *should* be freezing cold but it wasn't... but there were alligators in the water so I got out quickly
That's all I remember...

oneiroer I understand completely. You too, OP and NewArtemis.

Hathor, heh, I've done that before. Glad you got to see him. Even if you were in stealth mode

My daughter has always been a clepto. She needs counseling but she refuses to admit it's a problem. It's always someone else's fault

Sometimes I'm glad I'm always so broke and that my hubby can be a jerk. I wouldn't mind if the town moved into my trailer so long as they gave me my space. Having so many people around does get old very quickly though. I hate being the "bad guy" though. I'm glad my hubby gets that role I'm slowly learning to not be such a doormat though. Miley basically called me a monster for threatening to feed the Ramen if they didn't clean. That didn't bother me one bit

My rant is that I just woke up and it looks like I have sunburn across my cheeks and nose. In the time it took to write this, most of it's faded. It burned a little but now I don't notice... which tells me I'm slightly allergic to my pillow and covers Or, rather, what I used to wash them last. I've used that detergent before so what the heck?

Time to eat some pasta
Hope everyone has a great day.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Hathor, heh, I've done that before. Glad you got to see him. Even if you were in stealth mode

My rant is that I just woke up and it looks like I have sunburn across my cheeks and nose. In the time it took to write this, most of it's faded. It burned a little but now I don't notice... which tells me I'm slightly allergic to my pillow and covers Or, rather, what I used to wash them last. I've used that detergent before so what the heck?

Well i was just lucky he didn't see me and i was like only 5 feet away, at first he wasn't with his girlfriend he was holding some groceries and walking around probably looking for her....then the second round was when i seen them...then i was like...please don't let him see me...it wouldn't be good if he did because his girl might get jealous LMAO! XD

And about the detergent thing, some companies change their ingredients without telling their consumers...and they get away with it...they can on pretty much any product.....i learned this from baby products.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Grats on your test, Tommo.
Forgive my lack of reading comprehension (I just woke up lol) but were there 2 Lankan girls or just one? Either way, she probably jumped in to do it #1: a cultural thing? #2: To impress you. When I was growing up I was madly "in love" with this guy. My dad hired him to rake up the leaves in our backyard but he was stalling. I went out there and raked all the leaves and insisted my boyfriend get paid for it *sheesh* I was such a sucker back then. But I did it because I liked him and wanted to show my dedication or whatever. Maybe she's doing something similar?

haha, nah you got it totally wrong. I thought it would be confusing, it's difficult describing without using names.
It's probably too situational for anyone to figure out anyway. Guess I'll just leave this puzzle alone for a while.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

As for English grammar and such... I'm a good speaker. I just place commas and whatever where I'd normally pause in a conversation. So I could pass my tests, when I was a kid, until I had to start identifying and breaking down the information

That's pretty much how you're supposed to use them
And semi-colons are like.... when you're expanding upon/re-wording something, I guess.
They're really unnecessary most of the time.

Originally Posted by Original Poster

I felt really depressed yesterday. Last night I had a dream, one of those dreams that piss you off when you realize they're not real. But I got to dream it, nonetheless. I've said this before but it needs repeating, it's funny how even when I'm stuck in this situation, my dreams can fool me into thinking for a moment at a time that I'm not really stuck at all. That my desires aren't empty and living is not as pointless as my disillusionment demands. They save me, and it's not even because I think they're really obtainable. It's not about hanging in there, things will get better. It's more like they're healing me.

I've had that too. It's a really strange feeling. I think I'm thinking of the same thing anyway. Like you know the dream wasn't real when you wake up, but you still felt it, it still happened, and it can still effect your life. It's as real as anything other thing that has happened to you in the past, the emotions are just as real as anything "IRL" could cause.

Originally Posted by Original Poster

I took in homeless friends a lot, it started to piss me off. I acted like a dick and one of them robbed me. My advice, it's cool to help people out who help themselves, it's not that hard this time of year to sleep outside, just make sure they can't pull any petty revenge if you kick them out.

My bigger advice: Never be afraid to be a fucking sociopath or a narcissist when it's necessary, but cover your bases if you do. Or if you don't, because people will still fuck you even if you're always a yes man. Someone will fuck you, steal your DVDs and try to sell them back to you to buy heroin. Seriously, you aren't done learning about someone until you know there's more to learn about them.

I mean, you gotta trust someone in this world, I get that. But it takes time to get to know people, and likable people aren't necessarily good people.

IME, people will fuck you more if you're a yes man/nice guy etc.
I say be nice, some people will fuck you over or abuse your niceness without thinking. Get rid of them.
The people who don't are the ones you need to keep.
And if someone is going to harm you in any way or *really* fuck you over big time, go psychopath mode.
Just rid yourself of all emotions except anger, but stay relatively calm and rational.

It'll totally throw them off and they are very unlikely to do anything bad to you.
This is rarely necessary, I've done it like.... twice in my life. Usually firm, calm-ish orders are enough.

I've had to do it a dozen times. Granted I've been around a lot of drugs and they turn people you love into opportunistic parasites.

I've sent far over 50% of my day today on reddit, including the last 5 hours, non-stop, I've just been sitting here refreshing reddit. I'm completely addicted to it, and to the internet in general. I'd say it was reddit's fault, but even before I discovered the site I'd just waste time on here or looking up random stuff or playing games. Since my exams all start in about a week, this is a serious problem. I've virtually not been studying at all, and looking for a job has pretty much left my mind. It's become one of those things that I just don't even want to think about because every time I do I'm hit with guilt.

I'm not exactly sure what happens in the brain when one gets addicted to something. Something to do with dopamine. My brain has been so bad with it lately. Like a super-addiction. I feel like I have ADHD. I can't focus on anything. I was so sick of it today I tried meditating for the first time in years for about 10 minutes. It worked somewhat; for about 20 minutes my mind felt clear and I could concentrate, but then I was back to checking reddit so frequently I couldn't continue to pay attention to what I was studying for long enough to actually learn anything. The problem is the /new sections of question threads on reddit. New posts appear every few seconds, so I keep wanting to refresh the page, or check to see if I have any more comment replies. Since I've been posting so much, I do frequently get comment replies, and seeing that little orange envelope has become a huge reward-center-activation mechanism, or whatever. Like receiving a DV notification, except that doesn't happen often enough to become an addiction.

I need to deal with this soon or I'm going to fail these exams. Today I tried not going on the computer in the morning. I got ready and went for a walk instead. But then, when I got home, I immediately indulged in the internet. Like I can control myself for a few minutes at a time, but I can't hold it for very long. It sounds like an easy problem to fix but I honestly don't know what to do. I have to use my computer while studying, so abandoning it isn't an option. Those site blockers are useless (I know how to disable them and the last time I tried one of those it malfunctioned and kicked me out of the sites until I manually disabled it). If I had a lot of time, I feel like easing off of it slowly might help. Just continue doing what I'm doing, try to stay away for a bit longer each day. But I don't have time. I literally need to start studying intensely tomorrow.

Fuck addictions, man.

I feel like the computer is a toxic environment. I don't really have any friends so I'm never encouraged to go outside and do anything out there. Instead, I sit here pressing F5 on various forums and waste away my life. Sometimes I ironically spend hours watching TED talks focusing on how to change, what to change, how to progress... And yet here I am, every day, going nowhere. If only we had like a month long power outage... Or an apocalypse, maybe that'd make my life feel a bit more meaningful.

Dianeva: Ever heard of SelfControl? It's a program for Macs that blocks access to internet pages, applications, anything other than doing what you should be doing for a set amount of time. Restarting or uninstalling won't stop it once it's started

There's a bunch of similar programs, IDK if there's a version for Windows. But some are listed here: SelfControl Alternatives and Similar Software - AlternativeTo.net

My rant: I'm a zombie. Also I found out I have two finals on the same day, so that's fun. And my husband really wants me to go to church with him on Sunday, he's hoping something will "resonate with me". I don't think I will go, which I know will make him sad which will make me sad, but I hate church so so much. Last time I went I found it rather cult-like. And I'm sure not all churches are like this, or the people, but in small group discussion the people came to the conclusion that non-believers will never love anyone (including their children) as much as Christians love their children because Christians have god's unending/real/deep love and non-believers just have your normal/everyday/non-sacrificial love. For real? Who can be so conceited that they think their love is so much better than everyone else's?

Anyway. Plus side in my life right now, I ordered some chainmaille rings the other day and I'm excited to try and make some jewelry. For now I'm going to work on my galvanized steel vest just to tide me over, but therein lies a mini annoyance- it looks like I had bought 14 gauge wire instead of 16 gauge so all my rings are slightly chunkier and I need to make more before I can work on my project. Boo.

Originally Posted by Maeni

If only we had like a month long power outage... Or an apocalypse, maybe that'd make my life feel a bit more meaningful.

It's pretty sad but that does seem like the truth. Something is seriously wrong with our (humans') lives when we fantasize about apocalypses.

Originally Posted by NewArtemis

Dianeva: Ever heard of SelfControl? It's a program for Macs that blocks access to internet pages, applications, anything other than doing what you should be doing for a set amount of time. Restarting or uninstalling won't stop it once it's started

There's a bunch of similar programs, IDK if there's a version for Windows. But some are listed here: SelfControl Alternatives and Similar Software - AlternativeTo.net

I have tried those types of programs. But the two I've tried have malfunctioned and not let me on indefinitely. I learned how to disable them myself, and now, knowing how to disable them sort of defeats the purpose.

Originally Posted by NewArtemis

And my husband really wants me to go to church with him on Sunday, he's hoping something will "resonate with me". I don't think I will go, which I know will make him sad which will make me sad, but I hate church so so much. Last time I went I found it rather cult-like. And I'm sure not all churches are like this, or the people, but in small group discussion the people came to the conclusion that non-believers will never love anyone (including their children) as much as Christians love their children because Christians have god's unending/real/deep love and non-believers just have your normal/everyday/non-sacrificial love. For real? Who can be so conceited that they think their love is so much better than everyone else's?

That sounds annoying. What would he say if you told him that concern (or what has he said when you've told him before)? I had to go to some creepy Catholic churches with my ex, but that was because his family expected me to. He wasn't even as bad as to presume I was going to change. If I knew that was the reason, I don't think I would have gone.

They preferred an 'old' style of church in which most prayers were said in Latin. It seemed more Satanic than Christian, a dreary wooden room with the only light sources being a few candles, everyone acting sullen. A huge jesus on a cross in the middle, it felt like some weird cult. I think I may have even started finding it sexy in a way, because it was either that or continue to be uncomfortable.

------

Well I woke up half an hour earlier today, though I've been writing this post for about 25 minutes, so that barely counts. I don't know whether to make a Todo list or not. They were working at first, but as with every method I try to use, eventually it started failing. I Got used to barely ever finishing them and now I don't take them seriously. Even if I try to, at a subconscious level I know I don't feel that bad if I don't finish it anymore, so the deep motivation part is gone.

Slight rave: My dad left this morning for Costa Rica for two weeks! That means I'll get the house to myself whenever my mom is at work! That's good for me. I never feel right when somebody is home and I go downstairs. I'm constantly worried they're going to bring up something stressful, and I'm just generally self-conscious. My dad works at home, and his office door is always open, and through it he has a view of the bottom of the stairs and into the kitchen, so I just get this weird self-conscious feeling whenever I go downstairs. The only problem is that when he comes home, it will be with my brother, who's been there for 8 months. The house will be more crowded, and he'll be all spiritual and annoying.

EDIT: Rave: I just checked reddit and I have about 800 comment karma more than I did last night. One of my posts gained 500. Ahhh! It's always the stupid thoughtless joke posts too.

Yeah, Hathor, I think they changed the formula I didn't wake with a rash today but I kept waking throughout the night unable to breathe because my nose was so clogged. urg... I buy Dollar Tree detergent, though so I shouldn't be too surprised

I understand, Dianeva and Maeni. I have to be a teetotaler with my addictions. I've tried getting rid of my computer countless times, but I've never stuck with it. But if it wasn't my computer it would be something else: writing, reading, gaming- anything to keep from doing what I *should* be doing.

Enjoy your short-lived freedom, Dianeva Sounds heavenly!

NewArtemis, you're making a vest? Like chainmail? Sounds very neat!

No real rants from me so far. I didn't wake until 12:30 this afternoon, though, so my day has really just begun lol. I ran out of hand wipes, but I've just gotten back from buying more. The stores were insane. I guess I could rant about that And I saw an old friend from the Kingdom Hall. She smiled at me which is better than most, which makes me happy in a sad sort of way.

hehe, I just got to play counselor with my daughter and her on again off again boyfriend. I was going to call them into my room separately because they're right outside my bedroom bickering- but then I decided to call them in together. I told my daughter she needs to stop picking fights and nagging so much because that makes him want to leave faster. I told him he came over to spend time with her, yet is planning on leaving and she feels second place and abandoned. I thought he was going off to smoke pot. She said she's worried about all the women he texts. So, I told Anthony, yet again, that he's a dog. That he's a great guy and a wonderful person, but he needs to get his priorities straight and if he doesn't want to be with her, he needs to say as much so they can both move on.

Calling him a dog is sort of our in-joke. He always thinks I hate him, but I don't. I make a point of bringing up his good qualities.
Destinee is way too confrontational. She picks fights just to pick them, I think. She was nagging him as I was telling her not to
Ah well... you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink...

Well, i'm surprised i'm cutting off coffee! I got rid of the 12 cup coffeemaker, It's been like 2 days no coffee, and if i want one i can buy those cappuccino packages if i want one, i still can't let down cappuccino or lattes! But ground coffee i can skip it for days. I don't know, maybe i'm getting tired of plain coffee and need it sometimes.
I realize i am fed up with cookies and more into chocolate bars, maybe it's because i want damn ice cream but i hate eating those in winter so i wait for summer because now i got yogurt ice cream bars in my mind now and cant wait for it to be warmer so i can eat those!!!!

Originally Posted by Dianeva

I've sent far over 50% of my day today on reddit...

I can be the same way (not on reddit, but on a computer in general) and it's really annoying at times. For me, it's mostly PC gaming, watching senseless youtube videos that I really don't care about, or lurking forums. Regardless, it's all a waste of my time and I don't really get any gratification out of it. Which is OK... sometimes it's good to just veg out for a bit, but I don't like when that becomes more than a very small part of my day, which it usually is.

Really, I've got a stereo I could be sitting back and listening to. I've got a piano I could be practicing. I've got plenty of books to read. I've got a bike to ride (when the sun's up, anyway). Those are all activities I enjoy and actually give me a sense of gratification. Yet for whatever reason, I spend more time mindlessly on my computer than doing any of those things. Which really makes me wonder if I should just get rid of my computer entirely. I actually did give my Macbook to my sister (she needed a computer anway) because I figured maybe it'd force me to spend less time on the computer. But, no, not really. I just now spend more time at my desk than on my couch (I have a desktop PC).


Edit: Also, my rant, I'm still sick. I didn't get off that lucky. I thought I was feeling better initially, but then I woke up feeling much worse. Which sucks. I hate being sick, and I had to burn 3 days now for taking off work. I'm better now, in that I can function (not light-headed/headache), but I still have a very sore throat and I've blown my nose so much that I now get blood mixed with snot. And I'm still super groggy.

Grats, Hathor on quitting coffee
ANd thanks.... now I want icecream

Sefalik. Hope you get over your bug quickly.

My new rant is trivial. I've been in a "Civilization: Beyond the Sword" mood lately (internet games are just too laggy). No matter how I play I always get the rank of Dan Quayle lol which is the lowest rank there is.
Blah! Darn you, addictive yet infuriating game!

**EDIT**
Ugh... I didn't go to sleep until 8 this morning and I slept until just now (4:10PM) I took a benadryl before crashing so my blankets wouldn't bother me (I have no money, for detergent, right now to re-wash them).
I slept wonderfully. But I had another stress dream of flying and being whisked away What's worse is that i KNEW I was dreaming but couldn't change anything. I woke just long enough to lose the dream.

In another dream I was attacked by a male elk who was protecting his mate. I grabbed his antlers then moved about so I was behind him, then I got onto his back I per him and tried to calm him but he wasn't having any of that I fell off then ran into a shed where people locked me inside. ONly they locked the male in with me I had quiet admiration from lots of various DC's throughout the rest of that dream.
Strange lol

I will be so happy when I get my rings back. Maybe the stress dreams will go away then. But I doubt it. I'll probably keep having them until my daughter finds a new place to stay.

Bah! I outright dreamed about a stolen wedding ring last night lol. Except, I dreamed it was in the hidden safe of hubby that I so frequently dream about and that the ring was his. That's the only dream I recall. I slept horribly last night but managed to sleep for almost 13 hours regardless

Other than that, it's been a great day. Hubby's getting me an iPad, which I'm very excited about. I just don't know if he's getting me one now or waiting for the new release in c. 6 months. I told him I don't need the latest and greatest. I'd just like something with a camera seeing how my DSi only works when it's plugged in now. I really hope I get it sooner rather than later. I'm wanting to transcribe the Bible onto it and other publications and voice record some other things. I enjoy reading more when I can dictate it. It seems to sink in better. But it feels unproductive just to dictate for the sake of reading out loud.

Destinee was complaining earlier about always feeling as if she needs to yawn in order to breathe I KNOW THAT FEELING!,- I told her I get the same thing and it's a symptom of anxiety. I further told her to be on the look out for adrenaline surges and if it becomes a chronic problem, Welbutrin and Cellexa can help (or similar meds).

It's been a nice, relaxing day.
Hope everyone is well