Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

Very cool. Nice to know I was on the right track :lol:
I'd love to hear what you're making!

Rant: Slight sore throat; fluctuating temp ??? comfort zone; racing pulse today; HIGH FATIGUE :furious:

Curiosity: The only thing different (other than possibly fighting flu and other viruses circling my household) is that I added Glucosamine Sulfate to see if it might help with joint pain. Now I have to google to see if it can mess with your pulse. Otherwise, I have no idea why it's so friggin crazy today (everywhere from normal 85-125 bpm resting). I didn't even have a caffeine pill today.

Rant-ish: we have a new cat. Earlier this week the temp plummeted and we got some snow. My son let the dogs out and they ran off. He was outside scolding them and yelling for them to come back. Then his voice changed all girly and sweet: "Who are you? Where did you come from? Come on and let's get you warm..." :lol: It's an all black kitten about 4-6 months old.
I named him Jonesy because he was insane. He was on the counter (where the cat food is), then on the floor, on the chair, back on the counter. I laughed at him and asked the cat if he's on drugs and "Jonesing". The kids, however, call him Pip because he has the weirdest pipping meow.

It's a RAVE that it's male, BUT, he likely wont live long if he stays. Our colony has some sort of highly contagious upper resporatory disease. Most kittens don't live long. Natures way of keeping the colony in check. Plus, we already have 2 alpha males and 1 beta male. The alphas hate the kitten but tolerate him or avoid him altogether. The puppy, on the other hand, absolutely adores the kitten.
I called the pound to see if they've had any reports of a missing kitten, but none have come in. I asked one of the neighbors, but it's not theirs.

Curiosity: On some health blog about liquid diets, I shared my experience and mentioned I have Ehlers-Danlos yadda yadda. I wrote the gastoparesis was probably on off the wall, last resort diagnosis "lol". Someone replied that gastroparesis is actually linked with Ehlers and some people have it so bad they require a feeding tube :panic: WHAT?! Something else I now have to google and research. Ehlers may actually be biting me in the butt for all those years I called it "nothing more than glorified double-jointedness".

**EDIT**
BAH! One thing is now solved: https://www.livestrong.com/article/2...-chondroitin-/
Yes, Glucosamine CAN mess with your pulse. In fact. I feel more tightly wound and more revving than when I take Vyvanse. :wtf: Too bad that doesn't = alertness, wakefulness and energy :cackle: No. I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin but want nothing more than to go to sleep :roll:

***EDIT***
The other is solved as well. :sniper: http://www.livingwithstripes.co.uk/gastroparesis.html The part of the page I especially (haha) like is: "Ehlers-Danlos is a multi-systemic disorder. This means it affects pretty much every system in the body there is." Well played, Ehlers, well played. I take back what I said. Can you back off now :roll:

How do I search for something and GO to the result. I don't know how old one of our kittens is. I posted here about her. I searched for "Pasley" (could also be Pasely) and it came back with a result but it doesn't take me to it, but rather, to the first page of here.
I want to ask Quara about her behavior. she's a weird one. Female. I WANT to say she's about 1 1/2 years old.
She keeps mounting the new kitten and biting his neck- just as a male does when mating.
But, she's, well, a she and the kitten is male.

The obvious answer is just that she's playing and/or asserting herself as alpha over the new guy. My son, however, thinks she killed or (somehow) contributed to the death of our last kitten by acting that way (I disagree). The former kitten and she used to play and sleep together. But she FREQUENTLY and aggressively mounted him. The behavior carried over. She's an absolute pest about it all and my kids call her a bully.

I tell them to chill their britches and let animals be animals and allow them time to find their niche...... but, if she gets too out of hand, squirt her with water.

Rant: Blah. Head is all clogged, ear is clogged, nose is stuffy. Hubby's sending me out for food at 6:30, but I have to leave sooner to go to Walmart. I need Coke and the kids need a few things :bang: I'd rather not.

I'm going to be in a talent show and I'm going to play what I recorded. Here's a track I just recorded using my daw studio one 3. Hope some of you like this. :)

https://soundcloud.com/oneiroer/untitled

I used studio one 3 before as well :) Changed to Bitwig 2 this fall because studio one doesn't support MPE MIDI and I really wanted to play seaboard. Bitwig is very different, it makes more sense to me than other DAWS because I think of music and audio from the perspective of a synthesizer and Bitwig can be viewed and used as a super complex modular synth-like instrument. But I still have a lot of learning to do with it.

Fun track, would have worked nicely as game-audio! Definitely needs a bit of quantizing and then you're good ;-)

How do you play live?

Thanks. I would plug my laptop using an auxiliary chord into an amp with headphone or input jack or something. I have to see if the amp supports that... I'll have to check out Bitwig 2. :)

( :undecided: ) had to skip leg-day today from gym, since i was dumb enough not to stretch yesterday and now my lowerback and right knee are too sore. only people who exercise and go to the gym regularly know how bad it feels to have to skip working out, especially when it is your own fault.

It's a shame that I can't just share an old picture without some stalker bully, baiting harassing me, or attacking my intelligence or jump in and make it all about themselves. I also received 15 different notifications on my web page from this guy of the same freaking message over, and over again in just one night alone. I asked him why he friended me for and he didn't give me an answer. I don't have the time to deal with someone's overbearing insecurities while I'm dealing my own personal family matters. Uh!! Where is he finding time to pay any attention to anything I post? Am I that annoying that he has to put me down? If he wants to flaunt his intelligence, then he can do so on his own account but, posting 50 different posts on one of my threads, of the same bloody thing, is where I cross the line. He also, claimed that I didn't stay on topic when it was my topic that he was spamming in. I don't know about you but, isn't it the topic starter job to keep it on topic? Plus, one time that user also sent messages me about making an argument with one of my friends, Ethen, just to make him go crazy. So, this is what I expect that his trying to do here. I know he knows better than this crap. This is why I had to block him. :(

Also, I'm got up this morning and opened my twitter and found that I was being followed by a pair of accounts of Celebrity Impersonators so, I reported them.

Oooh, thanks for sharing, Oneiroer. The pacing seemed a little weird in places but otherwise, I love it!
Have fun in your talent show.

:hug: Saizaphod Recover quickly.

:clairity: IC Is there a way you can just block the person?

Humor: I was wrong about Pasley. Pasley's a very fluffy cat, so I felt the cat up yesterday and there were very small, but definite balls there :cackle: Pasley is a boy after all rofl. I guess he's either gay for Jonsey or it's just an alpha thing.

Rave/Rant: I FINALLY get my oil changed tomorrow. It's "only" 700 miles past due. BUT, it's at friggin 8AM. Which means I have to leave by 7:10 :bang:
I also have my allergy testing test done tomorrow at 10AM. I'm having the pretest done to see if I'll react to the actual testing. If I do, I think I'll have the skin test done that same day (I hope so anyhow). After I get that over with, I can start taking the Glucosamine again but balance it with BP meds if needed (you cannot be on beta blockers for a month before skin testing).

Rave/Rant: I'm back to 7D2D and I still love the mod SO much... but my game has been EXTRA laggy lately. I updated my drivers, cleaned out all spyware etc and I'll see if that helps tonight. (I have to pull an all-nighter for tomorrows adventure).
I'm also really loving Animal Crossing on the DS again, as well as the iPad. BUT, Pocket Camp keeps crashing when I go to one area :wtf:

Rant/Rave: I have to go to Walmart tonight. I put it off on Monday (my usual day). I hate going to the store- ESPECIALLY when there's been a storm and the shelves will be empty from panic shoppers. It's been snowing like crazy (wet snow though- no true accumulation). BUT, I need coke and food and money on my debit card.

Meh: Because of the weather, I had to taxi the girls today. BUT, I drove them in their car. That was kind of neat. It messed up my sleeping though.

heheh, I had a lot of mixed emotions today :chuckle: That's how most of my days are though. Gotta take the good and roll with the bad and hope they, at least, balance each other out :D

Thanks Zhaylin. I need to practice playing with the metronome more. Glad you like it.

I'm trying new dream affirmations tonight. It's been a while since I've remembered any dreams. I'm using 'Tonight I access my dreams' and 'I know I'm aware in my dreams'. I'm working on really believing them.

Rant: A co-worker complains about having to close and then open…but they have a 9-hour gap of rest. Now, if it was a 4-5 hour gap, then yeah, that sucks. I guess I’m just used to not having as much sleep for when you have to ‘clopen’ or ‘turn and burn,’ but a 9+ hour gap is nothing to cry about, man. They also need to start weeding out these lazy workers who think they can get away with everything.
Especially when they do back-to-back ‘family emergencies.’ Now, I get if it’s an actual emergency, you just dash out of there, and be there for your family; we get it. I had to do the same thing last year where if I didn’t arrive to help them out, they may be dead. But, if ‘relationship issues’ is categorized as equal to someone having to go to the hospital for a relative that may die, then the scaling is just messed up. And using it every Friday night just because you can’t do an easy job where you just literally stand out there and chill and take care of people, then why are you working in the first place? I guess it’s none of my business, but this is a business.

Rave: Due to indolent co-workers, I get more overtime without getting penalized. So, that breaks even. A co-worker wants to know if I can take their shift, but I just laugh in my head, and politely said that I couldn’t. Yeah, I’m sure they’re going to go leaps and bounds to do that when I’m full-time. But, I have to keep myself low-key with being full-time because everyone is hunting for it. Though, with how the environment is compared to my other job, I can’t deny why they wanted me desperately. Because everyone is cut-throat, and I get paid to react to them in a Machiavellian fashion even though it burns my soul to even do so; almost to the point where applying dark humor to it doesn’t make it any better.

I have a distant relative working there as well that wants to treat me as a scapegoat for getting the position when any other schmoe could've gotten it. In addition to that, there's familial strife way beyond my understanding of where I cannot understand how I am at fault for that as well. Now, I'm no saint as I had to block off communication with my three half-sisters because I wanted to stay out of that drama of being used, and people treating you with disrespect. But that's something I knew due to how the strife was addressed to me clearly before. But this, this is just an excuse to where my existence had no part in this. Though, I could be deluding myself.

____

I checked my e-mail and it acknowledged someone liked one of my 3D-models, but they put it in their ‘fap’ folder. I’m not sure how to process that, but, okay. A little cringe-y, but whatever.

Yeah, I have long-distanced relationships with all of my relatives because I dislike drama. I've never been able to out-right cut someone out of my life though. If they really need something, I'll try my hardest to do right by them.

ROFL @ the fap folder. I wouldn't know how to feel about that either :cackle:

Rant: VERY sore today. Hubby had me out pulling thorny weeds for a few hours yesterday. The muscles are weirdly sore. On my right arm, I'm sore from the TOP of my forearm to the crick of my elbow. On my left, it's the bottom of the arm but the same area. By and large, it's a pleasant soreness. EXCEPT, I kept waking with cramps in my legs (lower and upper); and my left wrist (which was broken years ago and improperly healed) gives me shooting pains if I move it in certain directions.

Rant: Because of the weeding, my allergies are crazy and I can't take anything for it seeing how I go back for testing again on the second :bang: PLUS, we thought Jonesy Pip belonged to the Pawn Shop owner, so I drove him down there. Miley sucks at holding cats, so I had to show her how to do it, but then I carried the cat into the shop. Paula should have gotten more info when she was there trying to pawn a tablet. The pawn shop owner (who lives beyond the field behind our house) is missing a LONG HAIRED black cat with white down it's throat. It's also FEMALE and about 8 years old :lol:

There's a Stock Yard (where cows go before the slaughter) near her house and she said a neighbor caught someone possibly dumping cats there. :furious:

Rant: I have to go shopping tonight... and my son wants to borrow $15. and Paula wants to borrow $20. :sniper: They're annoyed that I'm annoyed. Yes, they always pay me back. But when I want money THIS week, money next week and 3 weeks from now does little good.

Rant: The fruit fly infestation has already begun :mad: :bang: Come back Winter!!!!! :panic:

Rave: I got 2 packs of Animal Crossing Amiibo cards and a DS case off of Amazon :banana:
I'm still really loving the game but I think I may be getting a little burned out of all of them. I've been binging shows more than playing lately.

Hope everyone is well :clairity:

Rant:

Made a tiny mistake when doing a closing shift. Others assured me it’s not a big deal since it happens every now and then. But, I don’t want to use my period of ‘being new’ as an excuse for messing up. Higher ups have been supportive, or at least one specific member is because he’s going the extra mile for me. But, based on word of mouth, gossip, etc., one would have to come to the realization that you have to cover your own tail either way; micro-manage until everything’s fine.

When it gets to the point where you time-stamp every single peculiar event rather than letting it slide, even when you have the authorization, people will find ways to bring you down. Maybe I should talk to my supervisor about it, but it feels like going to be thrown into the void. Maybe it’s not a big deal like others said, but the ‘little’ mistake I missed is going to be discussed with the same guy who, politely though, told me what I would have to do, and how far my authority stretches. But, at the end of the day, whatever happens, happens, and it’s a learning experience. I gradually become more cognizant of how my previous supervisors dealt with this, especially ones doing this kind of stuff for 10-30 years.

Process. Process. Process. Do not deviate from the process…and when you have to, understand your ethical boundaries with that.

Rave 1:

I made a co-worker’s day a little better when I told them my work ethic is to make sure everyone else is taken care of with breaks and lunches before I worry about myself. It just doesn’t seem fair to just shrug everyone else that you’re supervising, and would just decrease the already ruined morale over here.

Rave 2:

I learned something new with soft and hard edges and saw how some artists I admire have their own clever tricks to save some time to have balance with. I just have to keep studying this stuff in my free time, and hopefully make progress with that. But, I’m happy that putting in that extra time gave me that epiphany. I have mixed reactions towards the utility of doing art, and just focusing on socioeconomic endeavors instead…but I can’t neglect to try to balance these things out, otherwise, I won’t feel inclined to find other outlets.

Rave 3:

A few days ago, I had a pretty comforting dream with a dream character. An experience of awkward silence and the effort taken for them to break us out of it. It’s a moment where one could’ve shaken hands, make a promise to encounter them more, engage in a self-fulfilling prophecy, feel at one with the inner turmoil, ya-da-ya-da, but…I’ll just let the experiences come by without too much of an attachment.

Try not to be too hard on yourself about the mistake. That's what the "being new" period is all about. Learning. And as you said, processing, processing, processing. People will gossip no matter what. Even if you're perfect in every way, someone will have something to say :roll:

I've been half-heartedly wanting to learn some art too. But for my Animal Crossing game lol. I've spent wayyyyy too much time on Tumbler looking at QR codes for paths and clothes. I like a lot of them but for others... I'd like to be able to make my own. But pixel art. Meh. I don't know if I have the mental fortitude and energy for all of that lol.

I've hit a major dry spell with my dreams. My sleep is all over the place. I tend to fall asleep with my CPAP for about 4 hours. Then I wake up for about 3 and sleep for 2-4 more hours without it :bang: And I am CONSTANTLY tired. Tonight, I had to go to the store for hubby and the exhaustion was so severe that I just wanted to lay down in the isle and nap.
One neat dream thing is that I dreamed I was sitting in the "W" position trying to pop my ??? would that be my hip? It feels like a different joint- where the leg meets the crotch.
Anyhow, I woke up stiff and found myself in that position trying to pop it and I recalled that dream :lol:

Rant: I need a shower. I don't want to take a friggin shower. You know, I have cancer to cure and other super important stuff to do :roll: Seriously? Why do I rebel against showers so much. I LOVE the shower once I'm in there, but golly if I hate to actually get in.
I guess, perhaps, it's just a hassle. I have to put my towel on, turn on the water main in the laundry room, carry my toiletries to the BR, block my bedroom door so the animals don't get in, take the shower, turn the water main off, bring my toiletries back to my room, then sit in my towel for 20 minutes. Afterwards, my skin is so dry it's unbearable but I hate lotion (and there's no way I'm taking a lukewarm or cold shower).

Rant: My wrist still hurts at times. I've tried to force the movement to find the weakness, but it only hurts through organic movement and it's so sudden that I'm unable to pinpoint what I'm doing to cause it. :huh: At least it ends as suddenly as it comes. I guess the Dr was right though. He was so ??? flabbergasted, disappointed, almost appalled when I took my cast off after only 2 weeks. He told me to come see him when the pain becomes unbearable. After 7-10 years, it's just now starting to bother me. A little bit. :shrug:

RANT: I think the puppy might be peeing in the unoccupied section of the house. Every time I go to the laundry room (how you leave and enter the house), the smell of piss nearly knocks me over. What the heck?! Now I need to go back there and clean and scrub and find a way to completely block off access. But I have to suffer through it until Monday. I can't take allergy meds until then and there's no way I can undertake such a chore without them. (There's a completely doggy torn-up couch back there and if he's been sneaking potty breaks back there all that fluff will be soaked :barf:) Ugh.

**EDIT**
Thigh. The joint I was looking for is the thigh :roll: Seriously, Brain? lol
Got my shower.
The bathroom reeks too :mad: I'm going to light a fire under this group. We shall be cleaning everything on Sunday and Monday. The girls have those days off.
I don't know what to do about them though. The didn't listen to me as kids and they're sure as heck not listening to me now.
But this is friggin ridiculous.

***EDIT***
Or is the thigh not a joint? Am I thinking of the pelvis. BAH! My brain is broken lol :roll:

****EDIT****
rofl. Now I know https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Symphy...is_dysfunction I've been popping those joints all my life. Walking is sometimes incredibly painful until I can pop it. I read, just now in a forum, that the joint can become unaligned and popping puts it back in place. I don't know about all of that. Very interesting though. It's the hip that I'm popping and the pubis joint in particular.

I finally found the movement wrt my wrist. It's an outward twist- especially if I'm pushing or pulling something at the same time. Even bending my wrist for my pinky to reach the keyboard letters (QWERTY-ish typing) can cause a ping of pain.

Rant: Stupid puppy. I was squatting to see the new kittens under Miley's bed and the pup jumped on my back. Now I have a huge ??? I can't see it but golly I can feel it. It feels like a long gaping slash, but it's not bleeding. Miley says it looks like an irritated scar- very red, very long and raised. (Kittens are cute though- all 5 of them :bang:)

Rant: I've had a bug bite or two on my wrist and annoying me for a week now. (either 2 bugs or one very large spider lol) I finally broke down and took a red hot needle to them. I REALLY wish I had some friggin silver nitrate. I'll be ordering some from Amazon very soon. Flea season is almost upon us.

Rave-ish: My dreaming dry spell ended last night. They would have been terrible for a "normal" person. Cliff notes: the house caught fire and there were dead cats and burned cats and (for some weird reason) 1 decapitated cat. I was sad in the dream and trying to figure out how to fix everything, but it wasn't a nightmare.
The rest of my dreams were benign and a couple were even entertaining.

Rave: I actually slept fairly well last night. I got in 6 hours with the CPAP and another 4-ish without it. And there was only about a 1 hour gap too which is an improvement

Rave: I think I may have finally found a decent shampoo. Every time my daughter buys something new (every single month if not twice a month lol) I try some. It's a Suave with Keratin oil. The true test will be how my scalp feels tomorrow. If my scalp hasn't broken out in sores by then, I know what I'm going to start buying... until it stops working and I have to start hunting again. Seriously? How can shampoo STOP working? It makes NO sense. Unless I have to buy according to season?

Rant: I'm still extra sleepy today :mad:

I ate Mcdonalds for the first time today in ages... I'm not feeling too well. How do people eat this stuff every day?.:barf: :facepalm:

Rave: The guy didn’t even bother talking to me about what I thought was a little mistake a few days ago. It was a two-person thing to double-check that everything was secured. But even then, two wrongs don’t make a right. One really has to cover their tail, so I’m not looking forward to replicating the same mistake again.

Rant: I guess we’re our own mini-HR where we either choose to care, or not. But, if the environment and morale are high-octane and aggravating for most, then they should be militant in coaching and document those portraying indolence and apathy. You can supervise, but if those individuals backstage don’t seem to bother, what’s the point other than to create scenarios where those who perform horribly get exhausted eventually and quit? I guess if there’s no other outlet, the only way is to let them burn out.

But at least we’re getting new people we can take advantage to coach decently and professionally. Too bad it’s unethical to record some of the bullshit that goes about and the tonality they give off because they’re now realizing their existence is a waste of labor.

Rave: At least my 7 days straight working from last week to this coming week will end. At least one of those days will be me experiencing sensually deep sleep. Nothing like a few soft pillows and wondering if you'll bother to record your dreams later, and/or to enjoy sleeping for the sake of it.

:chuckle:, IC. I know what you mean (sort of... I live on fast food). I had McD's today. The first time in a long time I've had it. IT WAS SOOOOO GOOD... but boy my tummy is making lots of weird, unhappy noises now :lol:

Link, glad you didn't get called to task for the mistake.
Enjoy your sleep.

Rave: I went back for my allergy testing today and it was successful. Most surprisingly, I am NOT allergic to dogs or CATS. I'm allergic to 12 different things though and what's probably been bothering me most are dust mites (and pollens and molds but the dust mites have to be VERY high up there). Turns out, what I always thought of as cat allergies is just allergens on their fur transferring to me when I pet them. Huh.
And my allergens are year-round. When one thing dies down, another allergen blooms and takes its place.
I start getting shots next week.

Rave: Because my hubby's an MD, I can save money by having his staff give me my shots (he just has to be present with an epi-pen in case I have a bad reaction).

Rant: My arms are scribbled are over in permanent ink :cackle: Who knows how long before it all fades off. At least it's a pretty shade of purple (they write on your skin to show points of injection/what's injected. Just the top and bottom of each sheet- 8 spots on each arm for the basic test- then more specific somethings on my entire upper right arm (37 scribbles there)).

Rave: I thought I wrote this already, but I guess I forgot. My CPAP was annoying me several nights ago. The sleep Dr was supposed to increase my pressure but since I saw him last it feels like I'm getting less pressure. So I googled "how to hack your CPAP to change pressure settings". Thankfully, my machine was first in the search. It was a YouTube video and was very easy to do. I wouldn't call it "hacking", but I couldn't think of the term at the time :lol: I got into the clinical settings and my pressure was DOWN from the original 7 to 6.4 :wtf:, so I cranked it up to 8. It is now SO much nicer.
I'm still sleeping for crap though (by and large).

:clairity:, everyone.

Before I had some, I remember saying to my brother, "All we need now is some McDonald's version of *The Burger King Foot Lettuce*." I'm still not feeling good.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HIxRjxy6Qak

I had a weird dream about Tropicalbreeze. I recall I was getting into a van. Trop, you appeared out of nowhere with a camera crew. Apparently, you were making a documentary about me in the dream. Then the scene changed. I was now talking about food with my friend Bryan H who's birthday was yesterday.

:rolllaugh::cackle: What the heck did I just watch, IC?
I hope you get feeling better soon.

I had some weird dreams too, but I've forgotten them now (except for a few tidbits)

Rants: I slept nearly ALL FRIGGIN day. Last night, I was determined to sleep through the night. I'm allowed to take my allergy meds now, so I took a Benadryl and 1/2 a Cyproheptadine. That 1/2 was wayy too much....
then Mr.Monthly showed up (RIGHT on time for a change)...

and now I have, what feels like blisters, very far back on my tongue. I've not eaten anything weird or spicy so I have no idea what's up with that.....
I woke up, at some point, and had to change my undies because I had sweat so fiercely that they were soaked through as if I peed myself (and, no, I didn't pee myself :lol:). I had fallen asleep with the AC on but the temp is at a weird stage and I got too cold (at which time, I curl into a tight ball and then my body heat drenches me which just makes me more cold :bang: :roll:)...

BUT, because of the blisters and painful neck glands I might actually be coming down with something. Seriously body? What the heck?

Rave: During a 2 hour period I was awake, I discovered the pilot for a new show called the Crossing (or some such). It was REALLY good.

Peace and health be upon yall

Rant time
I know there was nothing really between us but I hate you still..
In the end everyone gets their life together and get love sex and whatever but not me Fuck this fucking world and everything in it can go to hell ofc only I have to live my fucking life down alone no matter what I do , I could be the greatest inventor or artist but still no one would want me FUCK THAT
This fucking universe was in the proccess for 13 billion years to spawn us on this planet ,into this instance and them creators didnt write the word fullfillment into my fucking chapter, fuck this shit.
This is one of the days where I lose hope
why cant I just win the fucking lottery and retread into one of the snowy mountains into a comfy tree house and FORGET ABOUT FUCK ALL

Its not like I was even trying , but how to even fuckin socialize without making yourself look like a total autisst?
Every day is war

My fingers are probably going to be shaking while I sort out my thoughts on this. I owed my father a lot of money, with college and all in the past. With the debt of moving to another state, it seemed as if I would’ve had to endure with making ends meet and gradually paying it off. Today, he made a deal that after I pay off a small amount with the transition with moving here with the family, he’ll forget about whatever debt I owed to him.

I shook hands with him, and agreed to his one condition – just keep saving up, and just have a peace of mind. But if that money doesn’t add up, excluding monthly upkeep with other stuff, we go back to square one. Sounds like a fair deal, and it wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t keep my patience. Many moments during our transition to moving from state to state – almost dying in the process, I felt an alien barrage of neurosis, depression, and trying to conquer it all like any other enduring human.

To see his disposition change to something like this…I don’t know what to say but to appreciate that he’s moving forward because he saw I was willing to risk my own future for the family. Maybe this is his way of easing the regrets and mistakes that stalled our own progress as a family, but as much as I would like to figure out the psychology behind it all, I feel I can just finally move on. Today has been a joyous day.

A huge rush of existential neurosis and just about anything negative about the human condition is going to be taken out of me over time. I have no excuses anymore. This is the first time in a long time where I feel like crying. Even though he may not be one to apologize directly, I will gladly accept, forgive, and keep living life. I won't get my hopes up, or at least I'll do so in moderation.

:crying: Nefets. I'm sorry you're hurting.
Just try to remember that no one's story is completely written until they die. However, I have to believe that, even though it all seems so random in the moment, most of the time our hand is guiding the pencil as it chronicles our tale. If we don't like the way a few paragraphs are playing out, we can erase what's there and start again.
That's not to say the words were completely blotted out, though. You can still see phantom bits of words or stray letters. You can even feel the scars left behind in the indentations when what was once there was of exceptional passion or cruelty. Life, tragedy, love, happenstance fill the chapters even after our death in ways we cannot even imagine.
It's just all the more ??? beautiful, poignant, purposeful when we can step back from the *moment* and see the possibilities that await.

I don't know. Ignore me. I'm sleep deprived. :clairity:

:hug: Link. Sounds like progress if not an outright (perhaps somewhat bittersweet) victory. I hope you and your dad and move forward to happier, healthier times!

Rave: I am being extremely productive. Since my last post, I've been horribly sick. The "blisters" (?) turned into swollen tonsils as well as the entire back of my throat being inflamed/red/swollen/miserable (which I can't remember ever having a SWOLLEN back of my throat before :wtf: :lol:) I did nothing BUT sleep. Last night, I had finally had enough and I took a Vyvanse.

I am one of the most vocal supporters of sleeping through sickness but, come on. Enough was enough. ESPECIALLY if allergies are contributing to any of this. My room is an outright orgy for dust mites. And, as long as I sleep all the time, nothing would be done about it.

I started with my "bed". Good googally! I don't know if any of y'all are familiar was crocheted afghans, but- take 2 strands of standard width yarn then add two more for the puffiness of my stitches. That's about how thick my afghans are. But still, criminy! I have around 5 of those. THEN, I have 3 extremely tattered and worn ??? cotton covers (thicker than a sheet but not by much considering the wear and holes). Those blankets act as my mattress.
THEN, I have my fitted sheet, my top sheet, my "throw".
I can't remember the last time I washed each and every blanket. I usually just wash the first few. I've been doing laundry (off and on) for some 8 hours (also doing some clothes).

I've been tackling the cobwebs in the corners, organizing and sorting all my odds and ends. I am finally sleepy. Had to take a caffeine pill (I took the Vyvanse at around 11 last night so I'm okay).
But now I have to go make the girls car payment for them because they won't get off work in time... then pick up hubby some food. I haven't even begun the process of making my bed and there's still a ton I have to do before that. My goal is to pass out tonight at 11. I might end up just piling on top of the blankets before then though :cackle:

Blah. I'm just now calling it quits. I have 1 load left in both the washer and dryer but I am too pooped to deal with any more.

It didn't occur to me until much too late that I tackled the task bass akwards. I should have messed with my bed last.
There's still some dust on the walls but opposite my bed so I'll just cover it whenever the heck I get my next wave of energy.

I was thinking my bedroom wasn't very bad at all, other than too much clutter. Until I got around to cleaning under my desk (my second to last chore). No friggin wonder my allergies and sicknesses have been off the chart. I managed to get it cleared out and swept into the bathroom with Miley's help (there's 2 doors to my room- one to the master bedroom, one to the master bath. I live in a space that's around 7 x 12 if I recall correctly).

Then I made my bed, hung up my curtain (which hadn't been washed in at least 5 years), then hung up a thin blanket on the wall behind my bed (just brightens the place). I wanted nothing more than to just lay down and go straight to sleep.......
and completely defeat the purpose of cleaning my bed :cackle: So I forced myself into the shower and now here I am.

I think I woke up at around 2:30PM on Wednesday. I started cleaning around 11:30 that night. And I'm not done yet :bang:
But, I'm actually throwing stuff away and getting rid of a bunch of clothes.
I actually have blisters on my toes. :wtf: I really need to start moving more :roll:

Good night, DV. Hopefully, my hubby lets me sleep all day.

Ugh. I am still extra ill. But this sore throat is the weirdest thing ever. It just *hurts*. Talking doesn't bother it. I can eat and drink with no problems. It's red, swollen and the roof of my mouth near my throat is extra sensative. My ears are very gurggly.
The kids complained about their ears for a couple of weeks, so I may have caught a variation of whatever's going around. It's just weird.
I have to vocally pull out loogies (you know that annoying noise people make when forcefully clearing their throat?- my hubby didn't lol) every morning when I wake up.
All of this is a million times worse when I first wake up until like 3+ hours afterwards :bang:

What the heck?
To make matters worse, my kids are the ???- not the control subjects but examples. And their my kids. So, is this a virus or an allergy? Chances are, they share my allergies. I have no true fever (my normal temp is 97.4 and it's running 98.8-99.)

Curiously, one of the spots that came back positive on my skin test is STILL red. It's no longer puffy but rough. I also have a few dots that are tiny and slightly raised but not significant. The big one is impressive though- about half the size of a dime.

I got rid of one of the worn thin blankets and my golly I can tell the difference. My hips have been killing me lol

Bah! I have to go shopping tonight. I do not want to have to deal with all of that... BUT, I ran out of my Cymbalta 2 days ago PLUS, I need to price check the epi pen I have to buy before starting my allergy shots.
I'm also a little worried about them. I spoke to my mom some more. I had some of her info all messed up. She successfully had allergy shots for several years but after the last one, she had a bad reaction which sent her to the ER. It was so bad that she didn't figure out what caused it.

Hope everyone is well.

Meh. Still sick but not nearly as. My throat feels mostly better. I now have a runny nose and I'm starting to get a cough. Still MUCH preferable. I hate a sore throat. Ears are still gurgly but even that isn't as bad as it was.
I called the allergist and she said to hold off coming in for my shots until next week. She also said the red spot is completely normal.

Rave-ish: I bought the Witcher 3 with DLC's from Steam, last night, for $20. I HATE the controls but the game is fun otherwise.

Rant: My room is echoing again. I got rid of all the stuff in front of me (it's a "shelf" you place on a desk with a blank spot for a small TV, then a spot with two doors above it for like your VCR or something). I keep my coffee pot in the blank space; leave the doors open and have my speakers and mic there, then my PC sits bravely at the top. That blank spot fills up with e-juices and mail and random junk.
I might have to move it all back though. The echo is driving me batty. It sounds more like squelchy feedback from the speakers but I only hear it when I or someone else talks.

Meh- I couldn't sleep last night so I cleaned my PC :panic: No wonder it had been so sluggish. Dust filled the thing and clogged my fans.

Rave: Time to eat some beans/rice/kelbasa :smitten:

**EDIT**
Ha! It WAS squelchy feedback. Somehow. I tried watching a show while I ate but I couldn't turn the volume past a certain point without loud squelch. I unplugged/replugged everything but it was still there. I moved my mic to the empty space and that cleared it up. But, how did talking cause the interference and act as a sort of megaphone? :huh: