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    Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

    1. #19201
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      ^ Today, I opened a can of chickpeas and had one red kidney bean in the can. What kind of kielbasa? We recently went to a Polish store where I live.
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    2. #19202
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      I prefer plain and simple Polish Kielbasa. My son prefers a variety with spices added to it. And he cooks, so spicy it is lol.
      It's an old family favorite. I can't remember how my mom used to always cook it. She probably picked it up from my dad (born and raised in Louisiana). I know it was basically kidney beans with rice and kielbasa. When I grew up, I discovered I liked the taste of black beans more, so I used that instead.
      Then there's my son He uses both beans, diced onions, canned petite (and spicy) tomatoes, sweet corn, rice and kielbasa. His would be perfect if he'd just dial back the spice

      My dad is actually my adoptive step-dad. There's no Creole blood in me and my kids didn't grow up eating my parents cooking (I moved to my birth state). I have no idea where my boy gets his love of spice. I don't even add black pepper to my food

      I could go for some garbonzo beans about now. Actually, the Mediterranean salad from Wendy's sounds heavenly.

      Blec. I am stilllllll sick. My poor nose is going to fall off before it's over. How can one body produce SO much friggin mucus?! I can't sleep because my nose will not stop running.
      Rave: But I finally bought some tissue with lotion (and 2 other boxes with lotion plus Vicks).
      The lymph nodes in my neck are still swollen.
      Rave: BUT, I no longer have a sore throat at all OR gurgly ears

      I hope this cold is short lived and I REALLY hope I don't get the cough most people are fighting.

      Otherwise, everything is a-okay.

      Oh yeah.
      Rant: Except the pup embarrassed me half to death. He was carrying on, barking at the neighbor, so I figured, I'd walk him over (leashed) and introduce them. He acted friggin possessed with the hair on his back raised and everything. To make matters worse, he had his very young granddaughter with him (she hid behind his leg). I explained my purpose and he said barking doesn't bother him, but biting does, so keep him back I dragged the pup back home and along the way, a dead tree near the burn pile randomly split in two and crackled to the ground, setting the pup off again
      But that all got me motivated to find out more info about our towns new dog park. As soon as I'm over this cold, I'll be taking the brat there to be socialized!

    3. #19203
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      RANT: It *feels* like it might be too late to socialize the puppy.
      My kids woke me from a dead sleep. The puppy attacked another dog. I kept hearing- "he needs surgery", "it's so bad" in between my daughter, Destinee's, sobs and wails.
      I throw on some clothes and my shoes, grabbed my e-cig and my wipes then went outside to assess the damage.
      I finally pieced together bits and learned the puppy was tied up when this happened.

      I found the other dog near the house of the neighbor who mows for us. I kept my distance, squatted, talked to the dog. I called it to me and he came. He was limping. I gave him lots of love and tried to find his injuries and looked for a name tag. He was wearing 2 collars (one leather, one choker, no name tag. There was one small puncture on a back leg. There was dried blood on his belly but he wouldn't lay down for me to look.

      Then my daughter, Miley walked over and the dog quickly limped away. The dog was afraid of Miley because when the kids were trying to separate the animals, they yelled and kicked and whipped our pup with a leash. After Miley left, I hung back to see if the dog would go home. He just went to different spots at the neighbors house.

      Then I saw someone across the street walking dogs. I went over to ask if she was missing any. She wasn't and didn't know whose dog could be loose.

      I went back to the neighbors house and the Misses came out. They had seen the dog earlier and it was limping when they saw it. They don't know who he belongs to. I lost track of the dog and went back home.

      Gah! Then I further learned that the dog had been running up and down the street (the same one with the lady walking dogs). Destinee thought he was cute and she wanted cuddles so she called the dog over to also check for tags. Kierra (momma dog) wasn't leashed. She and the other dog were greeting each other and all was okay until the dog got close to the pup on his way to my Destinee. That's when the pup attacked. The dog showed his belly to submit but the pup wasn't having it and chomped down.

      SO- 1) The pup attacked because he's just an asshole.
      2) He was trying to protect Destinee from an "unknown"
      3) It's an "alpha" thing and the pup didn't like the intruder in his space.

      The pup's been neutered so #3 doesn't really make sense. In fact, his aggression in general doesn't make sense. Unless it all stems from anxiety and not testosterone.
      I should look into buying a muzzle before I take him to the dog park (there is a separate area, fenced in, for dogs needing to be socialized and there's a warning posted that says 'these dogs are learning and might not know their manners yet'.

      The pup didn't walk away completely unscathed. He has several cuts on his face, eyelid and near his ear.
      What a way to start a day!!!

    4. #19204
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      The temperatures reached the mid 80's yesterday. I went to sleep with the AC on.
      I woke up, this morning,absolutely freezing.
      It was 39 degrees at noon

      I tried to get my epi-pen and go for my allergy shot today. Mylan (epi people) are in a shortage. No pen for me. No trip to the Dr. But it was just as well because it rained almost all day yesterday and last night. Today, there is wide-scale flooding. Our City called a state of emergency.
      I called the allergy place and asked if hubby can syringe some epi for me. He's a Doc and has to keep epi on hand. The person I spoke with said that's okay. They don't care how it's delivered, they just need whomever gives the injection to have epi in some form and a crash cart in case I have a severe reaction. And I don't need the pen for the initial visit with them either because they have it.
      *whew* That just saved me $93.

      I get to make the trip on Wednesday- which is going to be a PITA day because I have to take Paula in for surgery at the crack of dawn.

      Rave: I was 90% over the cold or flu yesterday. I relapsed a bit today (down to 80% better). It's still an improvement though, and I'm happy about it.

      Rave: As much as I dislike the cold, I DO love snow. It snowed today for a short time and they were big, fluffy snows

      Rant: Mentally, I'm meh. Sort of bored and just generally uninterested in doing much of anything. So, I'm going to crawl into bed and play my DS or something.

      Rant: My iPad crocheted case is missing. I had it on top of the dryer to wash separately. So, either my daughter got it mixed in with her stuff or the puppy ran off with it. I don't know which would be worse. I put a lot of work into that thing, it better not be destroyed.

      Gah!

    5. #19205
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      Hi all, long time no see! Just thought I'd check in real quick, I've been super busy as of recent.
      Nothing super interesting to report. I got my motorbike license yesterday, it was lots of fun and super rewarding. My country now requires that you do a 2 day course before you have the right to become a learner motorcyclist. I was the only one at training that had never ridden a motorbike before, and so I was the least skilled out of the group, which was a little frustrating for me. I barely scrapped through on the first day, but thankfully on day 2 everything just seemed to click and I did much much much better. I think part of it was also that I convinced myself to relax instead of getting frustrated when I made mistakes and letting my errors stack onto each other in a positive feedback loop. The trainer was also very impatient whenever I made mistakes which made things rather difficult for me. A lot of my identity is built around being competent at things, and so when I start failing at a task my pride tends to suffer. I really should learn to address that character flaw of mine.

      In other news I had my basketball game last night and I performed really well. We didn't win but I was happy with how I played. Also since I bought proper basketball shoes I've been rolling my ankle substantially less, which is of course nice.

      The next few months for me will consistent of a lot of university assignments, not really looking forward to it.

      Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well! Take care.
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    6. #19206
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      Grats on getting your learners Be safe (ALWAYS wear a helmet even if your area doesn't require one) and enjoy the road
      Grats, also, on those new shoes and good form. Footwear can make all the difference in the world.

      Thanks for checking in

      Rant: reflux. meh.
      Rave: Success day getting my first allergy injection. Should be easy sailing hereon out.

      Hope everyone is well and that their weather isn't as whacky as ours
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    7. #19207
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      I have a headache!! OUCH!

    8. #19208
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      I hope your headache is long gone, IC

      Rant-ish- my bum knee is being weird. It *feels* like it subluxing. I've never had that problem before. Too many years of sitting on it and limping, I guess.

      Rant- the back of the house reeks of urine because Miley has stubbornly been refusing to mop. (The pup kept peeing in there until we figured out how better to "sock" (jam) the door.) Because of the smell, I somehow managed to "OD" on peppermint essential oil. How the heck could that even happen? I have a diffuser. It sits behind (more than an arms length) and above me. I've been running it nearly nonstop for 2 days. As I was finally falling asleep this morning, I let out a huge belch and it tasted of peppermint. I had taken a zofran and 2 gas-x's a few hours earlier and wondered if peppermint could be an ingredient (it's not). So it MUST have come from the diffuser. Again, My drinks are always covered and I hadn't eaten anything in my room. How could I have breathed in so much that I BELCHED the tasted out?
      Miley WILL clean the bathroom today.
      What's more, if I'm having a problem with the oil, how much more of a problem has it been for my bird which is closer to the diffuser.

      Rave- someone gave away a beast of a TV. I went with Paula, in her Explorer, to pick it up. Because of my knee, I wouldn't even lift it. Thankfully, the owner was still home (he set it outside for us) and he helped. It barely fit in her vehicle. It's one of the old-timey plasma TV's (it's fatter than current models) and comes on a built-in stand which contain the speakers. Paula did it for Miley and Ray, , because the TV they use has a burned blotch up the center.

      Annoyance- I drove to pick the TV up. I had to back up to closer. I had TWO spotters (Paula and a neighbor of the guy) trying to tell my how to back up. I am THE QUEEN of inch-worm maneuvering. I've also spent more hours driving a 36 foot long RV while pulling a 16 foot long car trailer, than Paula's spent driving her entire life. I know what the heck I'm doing.
      And just as I thought that, my brain humbled me by "showing" me banging into the side of the guys trailer "Yeah, yeah Brain, I can be humble and I'm thankful they're trying to help and everything and I realize that I'll have an accident as soon as I get too cocky, but seriously, kid gloves and treating me like a "female driver"? I just wish they'd get out of my way!"

      Rant- My neck wont pop. The left side NEEDS to pop. It's NEEDED to pop for several days now. I'll tilt my head to do just that but nothing. Or worse... I don't even know how to explain it. It's like it will start to pop but then the cartilage (or whatever) just grinds and it wont.

      Despite all of the above, I'm actually having a good day Just another average day with nothing special going on. I have to pick hubby up some dinner in an hour, then I'm free and clear to game or binge shows.
      Which reminds me...

      Rave- the reboot of Lost in Space was amazing. I loved it a lot and wish there was more to watch. But I finished the season

      Meh- Paula bought some Ramps today (sort of a cross between wild garlic and wild onion). They taste too greasy and strong for me. I've always hated them. Back in the old days, when my mom was in school, they would actually close the schools for a day or so after the start of Ramp season because everyone would reek of them I might not have to worry about the smell of pee OR peppermint here soon

    9. #19209
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      I think I'm going to get another "migraine". I actually fell asleep before midnight, last night. Woke at 5AM starving to death, so I ate a Rice Pudding, took a shower and then went right back to bed. I slept until 2PM
      I've been a little headachy tonight my now my eyes and head are all floogally and I'm starting to get cranky for no reason.
      Friggin great.

      Rave- Paula made fried potatoes with kielbasa and ramps earlier. I ate some. I couldn't taste the ramps at all..... but I couldn't "taste" much of anything because the spices she used were SO overpowering. They laughed at me when I told them I was dripping sweat and wanted milk to dull the fire from the spice. She used less than a pinch of Cayenne. Or so she says My tongue doesn't believe her. But I've always been a wimp when it comes to spices.

      Rave- I bought household trashcans tonight, as well as a door knob to try on the bathroom door. That door is still intact. I just hope it's small enough. It's for closet doors (no lock), so I'm hopeful. If not, I also bought a basic hook and eye type thingamajig to use (thingamajig is an actual word? It's not showing up as a typo lol).

      Rant- Facebook is broken. It refuses to show me as invisible in the chat sidebar and it wont keep the sidebar hidden.

      Rant- My knee hurts. I tried to make myself walk on it instead of limping. Guess it's time to try a Dr again.

      Rant- hubby's BP was something like 230/120 earlier today because of Office drama. He got it under control with BP meds and valium, but it's still concerning.

      Goodnight everyone. Hope y'all are well.

      Oh yeah. Rave- When I woke at 5AM, I was scratching the skin off the top of my foot. It FINALLY dawned on me that I had walked the dog before laying down. I walked through some tall grass. I'm allergic to a couple different grasses. That's probably been my problem all along. I'm going to have to put on tennis shoes from now on. The tops of my feet and my shins have always been the worse. I live in sandals.

    10. #19210
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      *ECHO... Echo... echo*

      Where is everyone? Y'all know this is Rant OR Rave, right? No one has ANYTHING going on right now

      Rave: I went to hubby's office today and he successfully gave me my allergy shot.... then we went and looked at lawnmowers. I keep trying to tell him **I** would mow our yards if I had a riding mower. Then we wouldn't have to rely on the neighbor (who's very unreliable).

      Rant: BUT, I'm fairly unreliable too, lol... or, my track record points to that pattern. I always point out to hubby, though, that I mowed the yard at the Farm which was an absolute bear to do (steep hills and deep valleys).

      Our neighbor wants hubby to buy a riding mower for him to use on our property. Hubby says the man will take a major pay hit if we have to supply our own mower (neighbor charges something like $17. an hour). If the neighbor ever stops mowing, hubby's going to put up a fence around our property I swear. People always laugh and whine about women holding grudges, but I've always found men to be the worst.

      Other than that, all is quiet. I did end up googling if CPAP machines can worsen TMJ. Sure enough, it does get worse for a very few number of people. I don't know how to get around that. I seldom grind. Maybe it's just that I have to keep my jaw locked throughout sleeping (if you open your mouth, the air escapes and makes a terrible noise lol I have just the nose mask) I also had to change my settings back to 8. I tried 10 for a few days because my numbers haven't really been improving. 10, however, makes me feel like I'm going to blow out my eardrums

      That's been my life in a nutshell.
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    11. #19211
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      Rant: My hands are freezing. I gave the girls back their huge heater yesterday, but they haven't returned my small one yet.... BUT, the way the weather currently is, if I turned on a heater anyhow, I would be burning up in no time flat.

      Rant: I had more bad dreams last night. I don't HAVE bad dreams. Every dream is an adventure.

      Rant: I woke with a headache and my bird is shrilling unhappily which isn't helping matters at all.

      Rant: The puppy REALLY does not like the neighbor who mows for us. I took them out to go potty and the neighbor was milling about his yard (he's a good distance away. I have perfect vision but he's at a distance that I can't make out any features... however far that may be )
      The pup was on his leash but he was barking and pulling me and the hair on his back was raised. What the heck? Our other neighbor (MUCH closer) was on his riding mower and the pup ignored his presence completely.

      Rave: Hubby remembered my b-day. We don't celebrate and I'm annoyed how "conflicted" I am about "my day". I took down my day from social media and such because I don't celebrate and it gets annoying having to tell people that when they just wish the best. At the same time, it's great to be remembered lol.

      Rant: But hubby was a Witness. He knows I don't celebrate. I guess the conflict lies with my spiritual side vs my material/worldly side. On one hand, I want to lecture hubby (OF ALL PEOPLE); but on the other hand, I want to give him a kiss and giggle like a school girl
      EVERY year, he asks if I want to do something special. EVERY year, I remind him I don't celebrate EVERY year, we do something as we would any other day but then he calls it a birthday meal or birthday movie Turkey.

      I hope everyone is alive and well out there in DV. I'm starting to wonder.....

      **EDIT**
      Oh yeah. I wasn't ODing on my Peppermint oil afterall. Last night, I had a lot of gas pain, so I took 2 gas-x followed by a giant swig of Coke and a huge belch sometime later. And once again, the belch tasted of Peppermint. What the heck? I've not used my diffuser since my last post about this. I had eaten nothing with mint.
      I love a good mystery but I can't solve this one. I've been googling "is there peppermint in Coke" but I just get page after page about the Mentos in Coke challenge I google "is there peppermint in gas-x" and get page after page about the gas-x that has a peppermint coating or flavoring additive. Um, no. I'm just taking the plain ole, old school green pills.

      Then I googled if there's peppermint in Simethicone and now I'm looking at all the inactive ingredients. It's weird. I can't find anything at all lol

      ***EDIT***
      SUCCESS!!!!! https://dailymed.nlm.nih.gov/dailyme...7-b17ba1e67d5c
      There is, indeed, peppermint oil as an inactive ingredient. Booyah!!!
      Last edited by Zhaylin; 04-28-2018 at 09:02 PM.
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    12. #19212
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      Hi Zhaylin, hope you're enjoying life in the echo chamber
      Sorry I can't be around more, I'm flooded with university assignments at the moment.
      Regardless, take care! Warm wishes
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    13. #19213
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      Heheh, thank you Yuppie I do understand the concept of "real life". I'm just not sure I've ever experienced it

      Rant: Momma dog might have cancer. She has a tumor in her ear. BUT, she has chronic allergies and ear gunkiness so it could "just" be a staph infection or a cyst from an infection. My daughter's taking her to the vet in a couple weeks when they get paid next.
      Puppy's been very sweet trying to clean it. If it's staph, I don't know how dangerous that could be for him. Hmmm...

      Everything else is quiet and peaceful.

      lol- a tidbit from a dream last night "You can never trust a person with too many keys. Who knows what they could be hiding."
      The dream with triggered, in part, by my hubby saying he needed to get rid of some of his keys because they're too heavy. (he's a key hoarder).

    14. #19214
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      I'm back!
      Glad to see this thread still active.
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    15. #19215
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      I know this is the wrong place to ask for career advice, but I'm desperate. If anyone has insights to give me, please do.

      I'm totally torn between 2 job offers. Both are well-paying jobs (roughly the same pay) with offices in the same location. Both are fast growing companies.

      Company A -
      Less interesting, less exciting.
      Boss is okay but I have a hunch that I may not like him.
      Work is totally outside my comfort zone and will be challenging.
      I will learn a lot of new skills and have more options the next time I change jobs.

      Company B -
      Very exciting and interesting.
      Boss is a sweetheart.
      Work is within my comfort zone, therefore not challenging.
      I will specialize and develop the skills I already have, but it may limit my options the next time I change jobs.

      For immediate happiness, I'd definitely choose B. But A may help me 'toughen up' for the long term.. I don't know..
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      Quote Originally Posted by Anju View Post
      I know this is the wrong place to ask for career advice, but I'm desperate. If anyone has insights to give me, please do.

      I'm totally torn between 2 job offers. Both are well-paying jobs (roughly the same pay) with offices in the same location. Both are fast growing companies.

      Company A -
      Less interesting, less exciting.
      Boss is okay but I have a hunch that I may not like him.
      Work is totally outside my comfort zone and will be challenging.
      I will learn a lot of new skills and have more options the next time I change jobs.

      Company B -
      Very exciting and interesting.
      Boss is a sweetheart.
      Work is within my comfort zone, therefore not challenging.
      I will specialize and develop the skills I already have, but it may limit my options the next time I change jobs.

      For immediate happiness, I'd definitely choose B. But A may help me 'toughen up' for the long term.. I don't know..
      lol I feel like I am not the kind of person to be giving you advice either but i think the real question sounds like more money in the future. If you get more skills with that first job then it will be easier to get better jobs later, but if you get the latter job you will be happier. So I guess it just depends whether you are happy with your employment situation now or if you want to improve, excel, and make more money later. It might sound like I am telling you I would choose A but I would actually choose B.

      As for complaining I just have one thing to say: I really hate college presentations with time limits. I always go over the time limit
      edit - actually I hate presentations in general. just give me the final test I don't want to give a presentation
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    17. #19217
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      heh, I say go with your gut, Anju. Ask for a second interview (in a way that doesn't seem weird), or visit the places if possible. There's a reason you're not sure about the one boss. Maybe he reminds you of someone you distrust, or maybe he was just having a bad day, or maybe- just maybe- he's a royal creep and getting stuck with him would be a nightmare.
      If possible, speak with some of your future co-workers and see how they feel about the bosses.

      Jewel, I've always hated presentations too.
      When giving mine (religious based), I would write word for word (heh, inflection for inflection even) of what I was going to say as well as the person with me (women always give theirs informally and with a sidekick). I'd work with a stop watch until I had it all down perfectly.
      But I always sat sideways to the audience so my hair would hide my face (I get a twitch when I'm nervous).
      We were always encouraged to NOT be scripted, but I just canNOT do that. I'm not one for improv.

      I hope yours goes well.

      Rant: hubby's having a problem with a tooth. It's been triggering really bad dreams/memories. My teeth were in bad shape when I was in my 20's. I had no money and neither did my family. I'd need extensive work for some of them. My grams found a shady dentist who agreed to pull ALL of them over four different visits. Each time I went in, the anesthesia worked less and less. He had to stand on the lowest rim of the chair and forcefully yank out some. I could feel most of it. I was digging out stray bone shards, from my gums, years later. I've not had such dreams (persistently) for a long time, but boy they're making up for lost time.

      Rant/Rave: I got a feminine menstrual cup a couple weeks ago. My period is supposed to start tomorrow. I hate that I'm having it but I'm curious to try out the new product

      Meh: Bed time.

      Sweet dreams, DV.

    18. #19218
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      I have a severe migraine.
      Deep in the human unconscious is a pervasive need for a logical universe that makes sense. But the real universe is always one step beyond logic.

    19. #19219
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      Rant: I just found out my dad has Lyme disease. Oh, and our truck caught on fire. Oh, so shitty day...

    20. #19220
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      Quote Originally Posted by Jewel View Post
      lol I feel like I am not the kind of person to be giving you advice either but i think the real question sounds like more money in the future. If you get more skills with that first job then it will be easier to get better jobs later, but if you get the latter job you will be happier. So I guess it just depends whether you are happy with your employment situation now or if you want to improve, excel, and make more money later. It might sound like I am telling you I would choose A but I would actually choose B.
      Gaining a broad skill set does not mean that you make more money. It's a question of, "Do I want to be Jack of all trades or Master of one trade?". If I'm jack of all trades I have more mobility between industries and can apply to more number of jobs. But I'll be making money either way.

      Quote Originally Posted by Zhaylin View Post
      heh, I say go with your gut, Anju. Ask for a second interview (in a way that doesn't seem weird), or visit the places if possible. There's a reason you're not sure about the one boss. Maybe he reminds you of someone you distrust, or maybe he was just having a bad day, or maybe- just maybe- he's a royal creep and getting stuck with him would be a nightmare.
      If possible, speak with some of your future co-workers and see how they feel about the bosses.
      Haha no way, I'm not asking for anymore interviews! I'm done! I've already visited both the places, spent the whole day, met the people and asked everything I wanted to ask. No more interviews for me.

      I'm going with company B. I'll be joining as their senior designer, and I'll be designing augmented reality games. Woo.
      Jewel and Zhaylin like this.

    21. #19221
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      I hope you're feeling better Naturespirit.

      IC. I hope for healing and comfort for your dad. I don't know much about Lyme Disease.
      Sucks about your truck too! "When it rain, it pours." Is what we always say. I hope monsoon season is over for you.

      Anju, lol, I remember hating interviews too. Grats on your decision. I hope you love it there and make some awesome stuff.

    22. #19222
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      I been lurking this thread now and then, but never really participated. I guess I'll give it a go. Hope it won't be too heavy for this thread. ^^'



      Ever feel you are alone and unwanted? As if people around you really don't care? Like if you were to cease living all that'll do to those around you is just trouble them with funeral and stuff like that? As if there is no real loss for them?

      I feel like that all the time and with good reason. I think I'll go on a quick rant.

      My significant other and I kept to ourselves all our lives and didn't mingle with family or friends much growing up. We wanted to be social, but the two of us were just so comfortable with each other that we didn't have much motivation to mingle with others. That is until the universe stole me of my SO.

      I opened up a bit to family after my SO's passing, more as an excuse not to go insane. I thought of it as a quaint distraction. The nephews probably cared at all about me only because they got access to games through me. Xbox, PlayStation, Wii, PC etc. The younger one doesn't even remember my SO. For a while their parents, my brother and sister, were like "don't be a stranger" but the novelty of me being a survivor soon wore off. Parents try to be caring the most, but the impact of loss is lessened by my survival. Ultimately they siphon off all the money they can and get lost in their own health issues in their advanced ages without a care that I have not nor will ever recover from my bereavement.

      I've outlived my purpose. I shower them with gifts on birthdays and other holidays and that's enough for them. As long as I was there as a financial source, it was enough for most of them. They don't even talk to me for weeks even though nephews stay over frequently and parents lives with me. Not even a simple "hi..." This is ironic considering how everyone was telling me not to close off from those around me and to mingle with them in those days when I was falling deeper and deeper into depression, but looking at it they didn't really mean it. They just didn't want to go through the trouble of dealing with another one passing away. Yes, there were suicide attempts, but not important right now. The family dynamics they have among each other is strong and surreal to me. It is probably my fault for not being part of it growing up. I'm supposedly part of the family, but I'm an outsider looking in.

      Then there are the friends. Several of them I lost because they couldn't handle me as someone who lost a significant other. They didn't want to be sensitive about it and felt it better to cease contact altogether. There are very few who stuck together even knowing I'm not whole anymore. Most of them just wanted to ignore my SO ever existed. Surely I can't do that, my SO will come up in conversations if you expect to me my friend.

      So I exist outside of family and friends circle. Just belonging to these groups in name alone as an outsider wandering about trying to put life together to realize my SO's dreams.

      So, are you an outsider looking in too? Sorry for the grim post. I'm just feeling melancholic.

    23. #19223
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      Quote Originally Posted by lucidbunnie View Post
      I been lurking this thread now and then, but never really participated. I guess I'll give it a go. Hope it won't be too heavy for this thread. ^^'



      Ever feel you are alone and unwanted? As if people around you really don't care? Like if you were to cease living all that'll do to those around you is just trouble them with funeral and stuff like that? As if there is no real loss for them?

      I feel like that all the time and with good reason. I think I'll go on a quick rant.

      My significant other and I kept to ourselves all our lives and didn't mingle with family or friends much growing up. We wanted to be social, but the two of us were just so comfortable with each other that we didn't have much motivation to mingle with others. That is until the universe stole me of my SO.

      I opened up a bit to family after my SO's passing, more as an excuse not to go insane. I thought of it as a quaint distraction. The nephews probably cared at all about me only because they got access to games through me. Xbox, PlayStation, Wii, PC etc. The younger one doesn't even remember my SO. For a while their parents, my brother and sister, were like "don't be a stranger" but the novelty of me being a survivor soon wore off. Parents try to be caring the most, but the impact of loss is lessened by my survival. Ultimately they siphon off all the money they can and get lost in their own health issues in their advanced ages without a care that I have not nor will ever recover from my bereavement.

      I've outlived my purpose. I shower them with gifts on birthdays and other holidays and that's enough for them. As long as I was there as a financial source, it was enough for most of them. They don't even talk to me for weeks even though nephews stay over frequently and parents lives with me. Not even a simple "hi..." This is ironic considering how everyone was telling me not to close off from those around me and to mingle with them in those days when I was falling deeper and deeper into depression, but looking at it they didn't really mean it. They just didn't want to go through the trouble of dealing with another one passing away. Yes, there were suicide attempts, but not important right now. The family dynamics they have among each other is strong and surreal to me. It is probably my fault for not being part of it growing up. I'm supposedly part of the family, but I'm an outsider looking in.

      Then there are the friends. Several of them I lost because they couldn't handle me as someone who lost a significant other. They didn't want to be sensitive about it and felt it better to cease contact altogether. There are very few who stuck together even knowing I'm not whole anymore. Most of them just wanted to ignore my SO ever existed. Surely I can't do that, my SO will come up in conversations if you expect to me my friend.

      So I exist outside of family and friends circle. Just belonging to these groups in name alone as an outsider wandering about trying to put life together to realize my SO's dreams.

      So, are you an outsider looking in too? Sorry for the grim post. I'm just feeling melancholic.

      Sorry your going through such a complex situation lucidbunnie. I have yet to lose someone that close to me but there have been a few people around me I knew that did pass away. I always promise myself that I will never forget them and its okay to speak of them when needed because that memory we have of them indeed keeps them alive in a way. I also know you want to be with your SO, i wanna bring back those who were around me and aren't anymore too but since we can't i think they would just want us to continue to find things about life that we love and to continue on living despite the bad. They wouldn't want us to suffer and they are okay now

      I have experienced both sides when it comes to family interaction.When I was in highschool my family would for the most part just arrive home and go about their buisiness. We didnt really end up spending quality time together and at times we would end up greeting each other at night. The excuses were that they had a lot of work and were tired, which is true, but i did wish we could better the situation somehow.

      Than there is the other side with my brother who left to study at a college campus far from me. Whenever he came back he would mostly focus on his friends. Even before he left it was like that. So I decided to just do what he was doing. That way i wouldn't feel bad about being separate from him. If thats what he wanted than I would leave him be. It was like that for a long time till i realized i dont care if he focuses on his friends, im going to be around whether he likes it or not. I pet his head at times, tease him playfully and show him i care, maybe in ways he might feel he's out grown but when he smiles i could tell deep down he likes my presence in his life.

      I also recall a time when i was sensitive to death. When i was younger i was so sensitive that it boosted my anxiety, especially when it came to the news. People are on different levels of experience/knowledge when it comes to it. So don't feel bad if they didn't know how to handle it and in a way ran away. They cant run away from it forever. They will come bsck stronger and face the realization someday. But lucidbunnie, although it feels like your weak at times, you are also getting stronger. Talking about your feelings surely helps and from our actions we can show others how to cope too. Cause none of us are immune to the downsides of this world but we can ofcourse build eachother up. Than others will follow.

      To be honest, I do still have times where i feel like im outside the circle but that's okay. There is good and bad in a day. However, dont wait for your family/friends to change or give up on your relationship with them. Make the moves needed to help restore it and you'll see that it was worth it.
      Last edited by DawnEye11; 05-02-2018 at 01:05 PM.
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    24. #19224
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      lucidbunnie: Man that's sad! Terrible. So am I getting this right? You're family don't want to include you in their lives? I'm an outsider in social situations but of a different sort... I don't have many friends, like only 2 or 3 and that's it; the rest of them are acquaintances and then there are some that sadly don't want me. The main thing is that I've learnt to enjoy my own company, hence why I focus on my dream environment a lot and develop my dream guides to love me and care for me. My dream guide does what my parents and most "friends" can't. I'll be honest, when it comes to social interactions, my dream environment is much better than in waking life (that is, when the dreams are vivid); sometimes, when I'm at home, it feels like I'm in prison. But as I said, I don't let waking life let me down... I pretty much keep that mask on the whole time. The reason I'm so vigilant in writing my dreams down because once their in the journal, I treat them like happy childhood memories; they are the fuel for me to live my life to the fullest. My dream guides are there to tell me how I can carry on and make my situations worthwhile when originally, I would just want to throw in the towel. In summary, I am good at shifting between my dream life (what I want to do) and my waking life (what I must do). I want to get far in life, hence why I make all the measures to "robotize" myself into waking surroundings even though these actions don't feel natural to me. There is a saying that I like, it's "fake it 'till you make it". If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. Try some in-dream therapy yourself. Would creating an image of your S.O and having them become a dream guide help? If thinking about your S.O hurts, is there anyone else to become a dream guide and give you some worthwhile advice? Advice not only about your current situation but about yourself and who you are and what to do when negative situations get the better of you.
      DawnEye11, Zhaylin and lucidbunnie like this.

    25. #19225
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      Welcome to the thread, LucidBunnie.
      I'm so sorry for all the pain and confusion and loss that you're going through.
      Have you tried speaking with a pro? I love my psychiatrist even though he's little more than a "sounding board" at this stage.
      If it's any consolation, at all, time does make things better. At least, it has for me.

      I remember being outright crazy when I was a teen through my early 20's. I remember being out of sorts into my 30's.
      I'm 44 now. Those emotions are lost to me almost completely now. They're just very vague memories. Like I *know* I felt and acted this way or that but it's now like retelling a story 100 times- the facts are there but the emotions aren't. I've also been on anti-anxiety meds for over 10 years so maybe that truly has helped

      I've never belonged. I have 1 friend- my hubby. I am not deeply saddened by anyone's death (the effect it has on the survivors hurts me more). If my hubby was to die, I would be grieved to my core and I would forever share stories of him and us. But I wouldn't be destroyed. Even the deaths of my children wouldn't destroy me.
      So, in a way, I'm a little envious of you. You've loved someone with such passion that you no longer feel complete.

      My one bit of advice is to just try not to let the emptiness consume you. If sad thoughts crowd your mind, tell yourself "Shut up brain" and replace it with happier thoughts. It's a constant effort. I used that method eons ago to reroute my thinking. It took months and constant vigilance but it did help.

      lucidbunnie and MadMonkey like this.

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