Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

I fucking hate my family. I want so bad to just let go and be as happy as I am when they're not around. I have no idea how to stay grounded in their presence. Their attacks are always so fucking personal, and they always gang up on me. It's like their main motivation in my consideration is how to make me flinch.

I'm the type of guy that needs private time to recharge, and I've gotten none and I'm starting to flip the fuck out. For over a week I've had to deal with this crap non-stop. It's fucking killing me. For one thing, in their eyes I can't do anything right. Every single little mishap and they flip out at me. It's fucking ridiculous. I can't even play with my sister's fucking cat because if I do and the cat meows she decides I'm torturing her fucking cat. I can't even close a door without being criticized that I slammed it too hard. It's not that they don't understand me that bothers me. Most people don't understand me. I don't even understand me. It's the fact that they think they understand me. I mean it's a defense mechanism I guess. I'm the black sheep and they need to misjudge me because at least then they'll have an explanation they can wrap their head around, even if it's just a bunch of lies.

They don't see anything positive about me, or if they do then they don't mention it. I don't think I've ever heard them compliment me. They filter everything I do into the most negative possible light. They go out of their fucking way and even end up saying the most outrageous fucking shit just to get under my skin. I don't know if they think it's funny or what. I personally think they do it because it feeds their little egos. And if I wasn't a little petty myself, I'd be immune, but I do take it personally. For instance we were watching Hoarders tonight and my dad decided to call me out on being a hoarder. And I just thought, "Are you seriously fucking comparing a serious psychological problem with my messy habits?" It just seemed sick to me, but the fucking narcissist doesn't even understand an inch of the depth of depravity in his statement. He's not only demeaning me, he's demeaning everyone who hoards. You want to call me crazy go ahead. I have bipolar and you know what I don't do? I don't call people bipolar because they get road-rage. I get lazy, don't feel like picking up for a few days (typically during a depressive cycle) and suddenly I'm a hoarder.

The shitty thing I can't even tell my family I'm bipolar. I tried to tell my Dad once and he instantly decided I should be on medication and if I ever use my bipolar as an excuse for why I need to be alone or just be away from them he'd just tell me I need to be on medication which is not an argument I feel like having. He doesn't understand a fucking thing but he thinks he does. He is one of the most frustrating people to talk to because he thinks everything he says is God's gift the human ear and frankly I can't stand the sound of his fucking voice anymore. It's like there's no arguing with him about shit, if I don't want to take medication I'm obviously an idiot ruining my life and there can be no other explanation, black and fucking white. He doesn't understand a world still exists outside what he thinks of it. And he's ruled by fear. Why would I ever listen to anyone ruled by fear?

So tomorrow's my birthday and because we're helping my sister move they decided they wanted to have my birthday dinner tonight. I'm fine with that, except they couldn't even reserve the for hours of time between dinner and bed to treat me with some fucking respect. I'm turning 24 and I kind of wanted to celebrate. It represents the end of a crazy intense year for me with lots of changes, obstacles, opportunities, etc. And I'll remember 23 as one of the most important years in my life. And this is how I get to celebrate its close out, watching a family feign respect for me with hidden snickers. Why even go through the effort to buy a cake for me? I just don't get the point. You treat me like shit then buy a cake and sing happy birthday and for what? How is that supposed to make me feel? All you've done is make me feel like shit. All my good feelings recently have been in spite of you. I respect you only for the opportunity to rise above you and learn how to deal with the worst of humanity. I mean seriously, how can you celebrate someone's birthday but not even let them choose which fucking television show to watch or which game to play? You think it was my choice to watch Hoarders? Fuck no, that show is gross. I wanted to watch Ancient Aliens or one of those other hilarious shows.

Anyways yeah I had more compassion for my mom than my dad and sister because I only saw her two days. That's saying a lot considering she's the worst at all of the above criticisms I had. She's convinced I'm going to be homeless some day, and she's basically called me worthless for as long as I've known her. She just seems so pathetic now, I can't help but feel sorry for her. I think that's the limit I'll be drawing on the rest of my family from now on, too. This last week has been a week of regression. I can rise above it and get very quickly back to the place I was at before but first I have to get the fuck away from these people. Right now I feel like heaven again, because they went to sleep and I don't have to fucking deal with them until morning. So I've vented and I can put that shit behind me, enjoy the moment. And it feels really good. But when the music stops I hear my dad breathing and even the sound of his breathing awakens some inner resentment.

I frankly just don't feel like spending a drop more time than I have to with people that don't respect me. It's time like these when I miss my friends. They would have thrown a proper party for me to celebrate a proper year of my life. God... I love my friends so much it's ridiculous. And I never think about it when I'm with them, but I've never appreciated my friends more than I do right now.

I can tell my family's just playing a drain game. I can tell because I know what it feels like when someone is draining you, I've been around enough psychological vampires to know exactly how it feels. It feels like you can't argue rationally, like your ability to articulate your thoughts is being blocked. And that's exactly what's happening here. So I just stay quiet and try to wait it out. I have no idea how else to respond. All I can do is remind myself that I will never, ever, ever have to see them ever again and frankly I don't think I will.

Originally Posted by ThePreserver

My friend has been complaining about how her parents knock once and walk right in regardless of what she is/might be doing. That idea freaks me out; do lots of parents do this? If so... that's shitty.

My parents do that. And my sister. And my dog.

Originally Posted by Crashyy

Life's absolutely shit. Six years ago, I should have made a completely different choice. I had to choose between two high schools. And at that time, it seemed the right one. But now I totally regret it. I will never ever forgive myself for that. Yet another reason to hate myself..

Don't hate yourself because of a bad decision. Life isn't shit, it's amazing. Don't think like that. I've made mistakes that still affect me now and so has the rest of the world.

I'm worried about you because you always seem so depressed. I'm sure there's something that you're good at and like to do. Do that more often. And maybe spending more time in nature could help. And you might want to stop taking anti-depressants (if you do) unless they work for you; they made it worse when I was depressed and they have actually caused suicides, possibly more than they've prevented.

Originally Posted by ThePreserver

My friend has been complaining about how her parents knock once and walk right in regardless of what she is/might be doing. That idea freaks me out; do lots of parents do this? If so... that's shitty.

My whole family did that until they caught me fapping a few times, each.

Originally Posted by Suena

Christmas just made this adjustment even harder... I love my family, but damnit... they suck at giving gifts. Seriously, my two year old doesn't need a bike with training wheels... for god's sake he's still trying to figure out his tiny tricycle! (not sure if I spelled that right, oh well). They spend so much money on the most ridiculous things. And T's family likes to buy him LOUD and ANNOYING toys. THANKS GUYS! I'M SURE THAT WON'T WAKE THE BABY WHEN HE FINALLY LAYS DOWN FOR HIS NAP! ... Ugh. What happened to simple blocks and shapes?

And seriously, he doesn't need ten gifts from each grandparent... did you guys forget where we live? -.-

I felt like I was losing my mind tonight... still am. I think I just have to accept the fact that the house will be dirty and that has to be okay as long as the kids are fed and changed...

I just want to take a couple hours to myself and smoke a joint, but baby rules this case--no questions asked. At least his cute little yawns, his coos and yes, even his little burps after a full meal take away the chaos for brief moments and bring an enormous amount of joy for even a minute. I feel sorry for my two year old though... he's not liking this sharing mommy thing. I feel so guilty and I wish I could snap out of it, but I just feel so damn sorry for him. We'll make it I guess.

Is your husband still not giving you time for yourself and taking care of the kids?

You should just sell all those shitty presents. Get stuff which is actually useful, and maybe a gram of weed. lol

Also I demand a couple of pictures of your new baby

Originally Posted by Crashyy

Life's absolutely shit. Six years ago, I should have made a completely different choice. I had to choose between two high schools. And at that time, it seemed the right one. But now I totally regret it. I will never ever forgive myself for that. Yet another reason to hate myself..

As Woodstock said, we have all done that.
I should have chosen different classes in school, I don't even know why I changed my mind from what I was originally doing.
It was fucking stupid, and it's affected my life for several years after.
You shouldn't hate yourself for it. Just make sure you learn from your mistakes. And remember you can't always see the consequences of your choices, that's something you have to accept.
There are very, very few people who just make the right choices all the way through. And those that have, well it can probably just be put down to luck.

Also I agree about the anti-depressants. Since you only just started them (I'm assuming the pills you got were anti-depressants since they made you tired as fuck at first), you don't know how it will affect you, in the first couple of weeks they can make you feel a lot worse. So just keep an eye on it. If you feel really depressed or different than usual it is probably the pills, and it will pass, so don't take the emotions seriously. And if you don't feel any better from them, don't just keep taking them.

Originally Posted by tommo

My whole family did that until they caught me fapping a few times, each.

Haha... Awkward... But effective

It's Christmas eve! (My family couldn't get together until tomorrow to actually celebrate Christmas so we're having our big dinner and gift-giving and everything tomorrow). But my brother's gift (ordered on the 22nd) and sister's (ordered weeks ago) STILL haven't arrived... And they were supposed to be here BY Christmas...

A shame, I was looking forward to giving my sister and brother their gifts.

Has anyone heard from Aly? I'm worrying about her (the last post of hers that I saw was her bad reaction after headache meds and a hot bath).

**EDIT**
I was interrupted during my post.
Suena, OP, Crashyy and others.

Suena, I LOATHED those stupid noisy toys lol. As soon as we got home, I'd hide them in a closet I didn't even feel bad about doing so.

My rant is that I died last night. I've not been getting a lot of sleep in one stretch, so I taped a sign to my door telling my son not to bother me and I put my sleeping sign up on Gmail so hubby wouldn't call. I slept for almost 13 hours.
But I had some demented dreams. The worst one (and the only one I really recall now) was of having skinned kittens in the fridge. I don't know if I was going to eat them or what, but I took one out and then another and both of them were still breathing, though they were completely wrapped in shrink wrap. Hubby threw one of them on the porch and his daughter said we should put the poor thing out of its misery.
The dream was MUCH too vivid, but Ill spare y'all the more graphic of images.
In another dream, I was flying. That's all I recall of it.

My stomach is not happy with me and I'm going to go eat French food in 30 minutes. I've taken 2 anti-diarhea meds but breakfast still has me running to the restroom.
And the bird is STILL carrying on. I wish he'd get it through his head that his mate is not coming back. She's not hiding in the bathroom or anywhere else. He can screech his head off but she's still not going to come back. Ugh... I know he's grieving or concerned about her absence but I cannot take too much more of his noise
I have a LOT of patience and tolerance for noise, but I am being pushed to my limit.

Gotta go finish getting ready to leave.

Zhaylin: Nope, I have not... :/

Crashyy: You don't know 100% that the other school would have been better, yours might suck but it's what you've got. Sounds like cliche advice, but you've got to make do with what you have. And you won't be in the school forever. You know how much better my life got after high school? A ton.

Personally I disagree with the antidepressants statement, each one affects everyone in different ways and OCCASIONALLY make the depression worse. The risk of suicide MAY be higher. I know several people, myself included, who have been helped by medication. I do not know a single one who has been adversely affected. At the worst for me, nothing happened, and I was suicidal to begin with. Depending on how bad depression is, you may or may not want to take that chance. But if you do, try it for 2 weeks minimum (as long as it isn't making you want to kill yourself, self-injure, or any of those other unpleasant things...talk to your doctor if you do feel like that, immediately) and keep an eye on your moods, and don't take them as an end all, be all. Keep a mood journal, that helped me keep track of how much my meds were helping, what my triggers were, when I was happiest, etc.

And just because one pill doesn't work doesn't mean they all won't work! I've tried several SSRIs and have had them affect me in different ways, even though they are the same class of medication and should be affecting serotonin. Then there's SNRIs, MAOIs (try to avoid those, though they would be last resort anyway), etc, etc...

Of course all of that depends on if you actually are or are thinking about getting on meds

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Has anyone heard from Aly? I'm worrying about her (the last post of hers that I saw was her bad reaction after headache meds and a hot bath).

I haven't seen her post anything in a few days. The last thing I saw her post was about smoking weed in the middle of the night for trippy dreams.

Originally Posted by NewArtemis

Personally I disagree with the antidepressants statement, each one affects everyone in different ways and OCCASIONALLY make the depression worse. The risk of suicide MAY be higher. I know several people, myself included, who have been helped by medication. I do not know a single one who has been adversely affected. At the worst for me, nothing happened, and I was suicidal to begin with. Depending on how bad depression is, you may or may not want to take that chance. But if you do, try it for 2 weeks minimum (as long as it isn't making you want to kill yourself, self-injure, or any of those other unpleasant things...talk to your doctor if you do feel like that, immediately) and keep an eye on your moods, and don't take them as an end all, be all. Keep a mood journal, that helped me keep track of how much my meds were helping, what my triggers were, when I was happiest, etc

I tried a few different anti-depressants. None of them helped and some made me feel worse. I know they do help some people, but they usually don't. That's why I said he might want to think about it unless they help him instead of telling him to definitely stop.

Originally Posted by Woodstock

I tried a few different anti-depressants. None of them helped and some made me feel worse. I know they do help some people, but they usually don't. That's why I said he might want to think about it unless they help him instead of telling him to definitely stop.

I'm sorry they didn't work for you. It's kind of the "usually don't" part I'm having an issue with, but whatevs.

Another thing to consider is what is causing depression, whether it is some event in your life, bad choices, or if it can't be attributed to anything. I know mine had a bit of connection with poor choices, but I was also making poor choices because I felt crappy all the time. I think this country is over-medicated, and some people should just be making better decisions, not taking anti-depressants to make them feel better. Working out your problems helps. Obviously.

And there's also the cyclical nature of thoughts in depression, it can be tough to get out of the "I suck" mentality. I noticed my thought pattern change when I started feeling better, but you can also try to address those head-on (which is probably healthier anyway.) Black and white thinking, global statements, thinking of situations as unchangeable and for forever, placing the blame on yourself when it could have happened to anyone or it wasn't your fault, these can wreck your self-esteem. They are errors in thinking.

Situations change. Nothing lasts forever, and you can influence what happens.
People make mistakes. Think about what was your fault, what you could have done differently, learn from it, and let it go.
Don't take one experience (or even more than one) as your destiny. Saying "I will never be good at ___" is defeatist and totally unhelpful. It might take you more work than other people, but you can get it.
Finally, the most nasty one: "I'm worthless, stupid, and will never amount to anything." Every person has worth, and every person influences the world in so many ways it's mind-boggling. Think about all of the atoms and molecules that are shifting around just by you being there. All of your actions add up in so many ways, people you influence, and you don't even know. People I've just passed by, never even talked to, have convinced me not to cut (which was huge for me). Stupid: We all have things we aren't great at. Some people are super awesome at one thing, other people it takes lots of work. Here's the key though: Don't compare yourself, and know that you will get better with time and effort. And the never amounting to anything, well, how the hell do you know? A lot can change in a decade, a year, or even a day. Don't decide your fate in a few seconds. Aren't you the least bit curious about what will happen tomorrow?

Sorry I kind of went off on a tangent here, I wish someone had said this stuff to me when I was going through all this. Of course it's a whole other matter actually listening.

Hey guys! I am so sorry to have worried anyone! I'm totally fine, I just haven't had time to be on at all for the past few days. I've been taking advantage of the winter break to see people that I don't get to see very often or ever anymore, and I've been really, really high during it (which is also my rant). I may not be on very often for the next couple of days either, but I could float around a bit. I have a good number of threads to check and PMs to respond to so I apologize to everyone for that, but I will get on it. This may be the only thing I really do for now, as I actually just woke up to discover that I'd fallen asleep on the couch in the living room again and it was 4:20 AM, so I smoked a celebratory bowl and then decided to get on here. And I've been smoking since then so I don't know if I'll really stay awake or what, though I'm thinking about cracking open that sparkling rosé....

But anyway, my rant. The main three people I've been seeing so far are my friends O, J, and R (hooray for letters). Some quick background.... O is the friend who plays as a DJ at lots of big clubs and owns an afterhours club in the city. He's also still going to school and is doing student teaching to get his education degree, so between all of that, my school schedule, and the fact that he lives 45 minutes away and on a tight budget, amounts us barely ever getting to just chill. J is the friend who hosted the Hanukkah dinner I went to that I posted about here when I was last on, and he goes to school out of state so of course I almost never see him. Through our better years of pre-college school, me, O, and J were all really close friends, and they're some of the only people I can still get together with and have it be like not even a day has passed since we last hung out. Also, aside from M (the girl who threw the party I went to where that girl was all over me) who just became distant for a year or so before we reconnected, O and J were my only really close friends who didn't just totally detach from me after I started doing drugs, which meant a lot to me. In fact O started smoking weed a couple weeks after I did, at the beginning of summer break, and J started smoking at the end of the break. To make a long story short, they're basically my original take-a-bullet-for-them friends, and I'm the reason they started smoking. Now R, I met him through O at the club where he would eventually begin his DJing career. I actually spoke to him in passing there the week before, but wasn't actually introduced to him until then, and O had met him he night before at the club when he got drunk for the first time (it was "a weekend for new experiences"). I had gone to visit O at his college dorm and I convinced him to take mushrooms with me, for his first time tripping, and we ended up getting R and his friends who he was living with at the time to come pick us up on their way to the club after we decided that staying in the room was driving us insane (we were tripping pretty hard). We had a good fun night, nothing too out of the ordinary, and I got his number and expected that I probably just wouldn't see him much aside from when I was actually there, like most people you meet at the club. But not long after that I got some really clean and speedy ecstasy tabs and decided that I wanted go to my psychology class while rolling, but I was getting impatient during the day and decided to pop them a little earlier and just head to the campus and walk around until class started. When they actually hit I decided that I looked way to fucked up to be walking around there and headed back to my car to call everyone in my contact list and tell them how much I love them, and that's when I came upon R's number. He was one of the only people who had time to really talk and so after some conversation we ended up planning to hang out and smoke. And this is pretty much the point of this story; he expected to only smoke a bowl or two and move on, which is apparently what the other people he's used to hanging out with had always done, but that's not how I operated. We smoked bowl after bowl after bowl after bowl after bowl, and it got to the point where I'd just starting loading the next one without saying anything and he'd look up in disbelief and be like "Really??" Again, long story short (kinda late, I know), we started hanging out all the time after that and the weed smoking just got heavier and heavier, as did the drug use in general after I introduced him to psychedelics. He was my main rolling/tripping buddy and we had some of our craziest experiences together, and we even lived together for a couple weeks (of constant drug use). We pretty much had this thing going where you never had to ask to get fucked up.... Whenever either of us got some drug, which was all the time and often for free, we would always make sure to get three times as much of it as we wanted so that we could take one third, give one third to the other, and then half way through the experience we could look at each other and say "Fuck it, let's take the rest." *nostalgia* Good times....

Aaaaanyway, now that that's out of the way.... So I try not to smoke that much anymore just because it gets tiring being that fucked up all the time, and I get plenty high even from small amounts these days (and sometimes painfully high from any more than that). But, when I'm hanging out with O and J I can't exactly not smoke like crazy. We basically never get to see each other, and the fact that we all started smoking together because of me, and we all have such great comedic chemistry that just gets better and better the more stoned we are (at least to us lol). The plus side is that even in the height of my panic attacks I've never once freaked out while hanging out with them, I don't think it's possible. So I just ended up being really baked, and I've lost a lot of minor memories from the past few days because of it. I've been to the point of feeling like I'm tripping a handful of times already. And then it just gets even worse with R, who I was hanging out with last night (in addition to N, who I see all the time). Because of all that stuff we went through, he never lets me off easy. He'll load something really strong in a bong and just keep it going, and whenever I try to push it away and say "I'm done, I can't take any more." he'll just give me an amused look and push it back in my direction until I say "God damn it." and take the hit. It got to the point where nothing that was happening around me registered in the slightest (we watched a few anime episodes that I remember none of) and my vision was blurring and shaking like I was drunk or something. And honestly that's about where my memory starts becoming choppy, I remember very little of the rest of the night, just that I got home and smoked a bit more and then ended up passing out on the couch, apparently anyway. And then I smoked some more. >_> (Still am.) I really need to let my head clear, but it's just so easy to let loose at this time of year....

I guess that's about it. It's already 6:17 AM now, so I guess I might stay up.... Eeeeh....

Happy to see that you are alive Aly.

Aly Lives! Just tell your friends you're burning out and need a break.

As for meds... I couldn't survive without mine... well, I could, but I'm not sure I would want to lol There is a LOT of trial and error in finding the right med or med cocktail however!! I have been prescribed just about everything imaginable. Family Doctors thought I had bipolar but mood stablizers REALLY screw me up. Zoloft did nothing for me. The first time I took Wellbutrin (as whatever it was called for quitting smoking) made me insane. Now-a-days, it helps counter the sedative effect of being on Celexa for so long. :shrug: And it takes a lot of patience and dedication to find what works. 3-6 weeks to see if something will even help. If it doesn't, it takes time to get it out of your system before trying the next thing which is another 3-6 weeks

My rant is that I don't really know how to proceed with monitoring my BP. While I'm sedentary, there is no significant change- cigarettes, caffeine, it doesn't matter. And I'm 90% sedentary lol so that works out perfectly. If I get up and move around though- even just to walk to the car or something, my pulse will shoot up to an easy 110. But that's just me being out of shape and having a naturally fast pulse.
So, how do I proceed from here? And why do I care lol I think I'm just more curious at this point. It's not something that worries me in the least.

I slept from 12:30-4:30 this afternoon. I was having an interesting dream but I became lucid and woke All I recall of it was sitting on a bed or a couch and my p-doc found me. I was shaking uncontrollably and was scared about something. But there had to be more to it than that because I became lucid and started to wake up and I yelled at myself: "Don't you dare wake up! I want to see where this dream goes!" But I woke anyhow lol... just long enough to lose the dream and fall into another that I have no memory of at all

And my bird is carrying on. Ugh...
I also forgot to put my 2 liter of Coke back in the fridge before I fell asleep, so I have no cold Coke to drink. But hubby's kids are coming over in about 30 minutes, so I'll just steal one of hubby's soda's

The French restaurant was amazing. I fell asleep into a food coma when we got home from 10-midnight lol. I got full much too quickly though and ate only about 1/3 of my duckling. I brought it home for my son but I should have eaten it myself lol I filled up on the appetizers- mussels in a broth and a crab brulee. And I did force down a creme brulee for dessert

Tonight it's hotdogs I'm sick of hotdogs lol I go shopping tomorrow though and I'm going to pick up the latest thing I love: Tomato Soup and Cheetos

**EDIT**
New rant. Sheetz was having a bad evening. We all loaded into hubby's daughters car and went there for dinner tonight. I decided to get a chicken salad with honey mustard dressing. We get back home and oops... they forgot the dressing. Oh well, hubby had some strange raspberry honey mustard and I used some of that. But the dressing's not really my thing, so I only took a few bites then put it back in the bag to give to my son.
As I was leaving hubby's, it dawned on me. They also forgot the chicken lol.
I have the receipt so I know I didn't screw up on the order. But I don't have the heart to call and complain. The lady taking care of the order usually gets everything perfect. But she's also usually friendly and upbeat. Tonight she was sort of sad looking and didn't chat at all.
If I called and complained, I could get a free salad to eat tomorrow, which would be nice seeing how I'll have no food until hubby gets home from work.
But, I don't want to take a chance in getting her in trouble. So....... I'll bite my tongue. The salad will still be eaten, so it's not like I really lost out on anything.

Agh, I am so tired. Two bad dreams last night in five hours of sleep. Bleh. On the bright side, midnight is two hours before my bedtime, so I shouldn't have any problems staying up tonight

Anyways, my partial rant:

What the hell am I going to wear to the bridal shower? I have like... 4 dresses. I'm not even sure if they fit anymore. And they are all dark colors. Pretty, but dark. We don't have the money or time to get another, so I guess I'll have to pick one of those and wear it, even though I've worn them all to events recently and I shouldn't re-wear them this soon.

Why is that even a no-no? It's a piece of clothing. Why can't I wear it like a t-shirt, however often I'd like? I hate dresses. I've hated them ever since I had to wear itchy ones to church and then I couldn't climb trees or run. And when that one little boy in Sunday School looked up my dress (I kneed him in the balls, I hope that taught him something.)

I'm still worried this whole thing is gonna suck. I'm a terrible bridesmaid. Why do people even ask me? I appreciate the honor, and I do try to help, but planning is so not my strong point. Neither is decorating or throwing parties or being sociable.

Which is another mini-rant:

I was listening to the radio when the song I Wanna Talk About Me came on. Course, it's more directed to girls in relationships that just yammer on and on and on, but I felt it applied to most people nowadays. Asking questions is polite. Yes, to a certain degree I am interested in your life, what you've been up to, how you've been, but I would like a chance to speak too. I would like you to ask me questions too. I would like you to give a tiny crap about what is going on in my life. And most importantly, I don't want to have to listen to you jabbering on for more than ten minutes straight. I'm not a huge talker unless I care about something or I know you well, and I am an introvert. Hearing people talk is draining. And when I do get to talking, it's polite to actually listen and not be thinking about what you want to say next or be ignoring me entirely. We may have different interests, I know we do. Do you think I want to spend the entire conversation talking about celebrities or modelling or any of that crap? I do it because it's what you like, and I'm trying to be accommodating.

At least be polite and listen, even if you don't care so much about the topic.

Now I guess the whole reason why I started this post:

Why can't I make friends? I'm kind of stuck at the apartment without a car, but I do interact with people when I go to class... why can't I make friends there? I'm (usually) a nice person, just on the quiet side until I know you. I'm not shy, I'm just quiet. And I don't need a lot of friends, I only need one or two I see with some regularity. Right now I have a grand total of ZERO friends I see regularly or even talk to. My best friend moved, and the only other friend I have I barely talk to, so the "friend" label is getting kind of stretched.

I need people. It sucks, but I do. I don't need a lot, but why can't I only make one? I have diverse interests. I have flexible morals. I have time.

Is it because my natural neutral expression has been called "intimidating"? Do I look like I could tear people to shreds? (Ok, maybe I do... I remember in high school I was just sitting on the bleachers minding my own business and listening to my ipod, staring off into space (I tend to automatically stare at people when I'm zoning out, if there are a lot around). Conveniently I was zoning out at someone two seats down who started apologizing to me and looking scared. I made her say what she had been saying to understand what the hell was going on, she had been saying some nasty stuff about my brother. I had no idea, I was just minding my own. As far as I know she didn't say anything bad about either of us again.) I also think it's highly amusing that I'm intimidating since I'm thin and out of shape. Funny story, but I digress.

Is it because my standards are too high? I suspect this is it, but what's the point of making friends if I don't actually like them? I know it makes me sound elitist, but I get along really well with certain kinds of people and I don't like compromising my standards for friends. I like smart people who aren't afraid to think. I like people who can talk about viewpoints other than their own. I like people who aren't so morally uptight then can't get loose once in a while. I prefer quieter people, but that's flexible. I like people who read or play video games or watch the same shows as me, although that is very very flexible and not a requirement.

Everyone around here is a sorority girl or a partier. I don't care about fashion or makeup, but I don't look terrible, I don't care about the crush of the week. I'm not cruising to find a guy, I'm married. That sets me apart from most people my age. I'm not a geek, I'm smart but school isn't my thing. I don't like parties with more than a few close friends. Parties are loud, crowded, and stupid, and if there's three things I hate, it's loudness, crowds, and stupidity.

I hope none of that made me sound like a spoiled baby I just don't see the point in investing time into a mediocre-maximum relationship. I want to find a kindred spirit.

Anti-rant:

We finally finished unpacking the bedroom. It looks beautiful. Very clean. Now we just need to go through the guest room and get rid of the giant pile of give-away stuff in the living room...

And my husband is awesome. Who else is willing to play a full 5 hour game of monopoly with me?

Finally, another mini-rant:

My husband has trouble getting rid of anything. His t-shirts have sentimental value. He has 4 times as many shirts as me, no exaggeration, and that's after he managed to get rid of half a year ago. He won't get rid of stuff he got as presents, even if he has never used it and will never use it. We came across a fitted sheet and JUST a fitted sheet, and he wanted to buy the rest of the set to have an entire set, instead of just getting rid of that one thing. He has 12 Bibles and it took quite a bit of convincing to get him to only keep one. I told him if it was really just sentimentality, he could take photos of the objects since it would take up a lot less space. He hasn't done that yet.

In case this give you any ideas, I'm not a neat-freak. I just like being able to fit stuff in all the storage space we have and look nice, even if it is actually messy as hell. To summarize: If we had more shirts than hangers, his philosophy is to get more hangers, mine is to have fewer shirts.

Aly: I'm glad you're alive

My wolf looks naked. >.> It is naked. Huh.

haha Toby Keith. I've recently been noticing myself being an attention whore more and more I don't know if I am doing it more or just now noticing it, but I have found myself attempting to steer conversations to talk about myself. No wonder I'm a terrible conversationalist. I'm trying to stop that but it's hard to stop a habit that's been accumulating for who knows how long.

That's funny coz you just did it right then, Dave

Originally Posted by tommo

That's funny coz you just did it right then, Dave

ya see wat I mean

lol Dave.
NewArtemis

My rant:
"I always knew, I've always said, That silk and lace, And black and red
Will drive a man right off his head. It's easy....
I try to show, I have no need, I want it all, I don't succeed.
SO! Lets! Bring on the men and let the fun begin, a little touch of sin, why wait another minute!
Step this way it's time for us to play
They say we may not pass the way again, so let's waste no more time
Bring on the men!

I like to have a man for breakfast each day
I'm very social, I just like it that way
Those triple sandwiches are my favorite ones
I'm also very partial to buns
And men are mad about my afternoon teas
They're quite informal, I just do it to please
When I invite the fellas over to dine.
They all come early
In bed by nine!

.....
I suppose a rose by any other name
The perfume and the prick's the same!

....."

BAH! Those are the butchered lyrics from "Bring on the Men" from the musical "Jekyll and Hyde".
It's a very naughty song and I have had it stuck in my head for 2 days now
Now imagine a "church mouse" singing it for hours on end
I try to change the song, but I always end up right back to it.

Other than that, it's been an okay day. Just waiting for hubby to wake up so I can go get some food.

I'm getting fat.

I need to cut off my ass or something, I have the freaking ass of Kim Kardashian.

I can't even tie a balloon because my hands sweat when trying to wrap the end on two fingers, then getting the end between the loop is like taking a huge shit.


I want to enjoy this party that will be starting in 1-2 hours, but I know that:

• moving the furniture
• cleaning and mopping the living room
• cleaning the guest rooms
• vacuuming
• helping prepare things to cook

And then having to clean up tomorrow AFTER the party is done, then moving the furniture back in the positions, getting the chairs out, parties are only fun when you're not part of the group that sets up 95% of everything while having a potluck as well.

I really wish I could workout more, but I'm too busy doing other things, but who exactly do I have to show off to anyway? I practically laugh at other women and start becoming a sexist at them for some odd reason lately, except for her of course.

I wish I could live in an alternate reality int he 1960s when things were slow-paced compared today, where if you did something that's normal here, you'd be a fucking genius.

I also seem to be addicted to the gender display and assumptions of what constitutes masculinity and femininity (the alternate fantasy is for erasing the boiling expressions of racaism), and I simply love how simple everything was imposed on society that the male did this, and the female did this.

And how women had to stabilize the family while the men go to work, creating a preconception for children to associate male symbols for the father, and if they never get to see the father often, they would have this pseudo-facade through those symbols of mustache, suitcase, suit, tie, and other things.

Although, it would be kind of boring since I'm accustomed to fast-paced experiences, and the chilled period during the 1900-1990s continues to amaze me. Even for western and romanticism times dating before that epoch is interesting to me. Experiencing what it would feel like where we didn't have a T.V. , and fishing would be the coolest thing to do at that time.

But I'm mostly interested in things like the Red Scare, Cold War, all of these propaganda, how simple minded people were in their endeavors, and actually seeing college as something that's actually of value rather than some ruined tradition that can make or break a person.

The secret agent embodiments like James Bond, the shallow convictions of sexualities, the competition between countries, and many other aspects.

This period feels so stale, it's just waiting for drastic and abstract change to actually be interesting at all. It's so easy to do something if you have the brains for it, but if you're having things blocking you from seeing those options, it's just going to be a dull life with occasional struggles, etc.

---

Also, I can't even bother to really appreciate the little things in this life anymore because I treat the whole thing like a dream. Arguments, parties, friends, school, relationships, ambitions, celebrations, parades, elections, news, television, video games, everything seems just like something I decided to make static, and having this dissociation from seeing how higher states of consciousness is definitely more enticing.

Even if I do get what I want, it feels that these things that I'll gain from that personal endeavor with consciousness would make this reality seem like child's play. I also am starting to acknowledge how that I can easily get my thoughts out, disrupt myself, check a sentence real quick and continue going on and on and on and on.

It's like so useful, especially when doing multiple tasks at once, and I recently I'm understanding that if you want to get things done, do it your own fucking way. This is excluding obvious limits like making a car (since from scratch you can't really do that legally and other obvious things), but like....seriously, people who pay others to do this when they know they can do it if they can just get their lazy asses and just do it.

Then with things that come up both in real life and digitally that claim to be some magic pill, the whole misguided speculation with hedonism and the desire to get things done cheaply and maximizing profits when you can make more profits by delimiting yourself from feeling that you have to be controlled by authority or you're limited to doing certain things.

There a lot of things I want to talk about, but then it's just going to become evil and unnecessary for this thread.

---

Anti-Rant: I managed to count to 741 breaths, both inhaling and exhaling, and I'm glad I was able to concentrate for that long. I finally got into that state where the sounds from your environments get muted, and going into this deep relaxed state, not acknowledging what's occurring with my body and just remote viewing from time to time while trying to improve on visualization techniques, doing sitting meditation is so fun now.

I just ignore slight discomforts here and there, especially with my throat and saliva, and really appreciating the constant force of reminder from breathing will hopefully get me into the next stages of meditation and going into a trance like state during the median of being aware and going to asleep to accomplish things people do not even consider to be worth their investment. And the challenge of having to be pure and cleansed from the bullshit in this life so I can move on to higher states of consciousness, or suffer my ego conforming to my desire to understand these abstract concepts of awareness of this reality and potentially more.......it's all too wonderful.

And if I get there, there's no turning back, the only thing to do at that point would be the explore, embrace its wonders, completely ignore these mental BS filters that make me feel negative at times when trying to be open-minded.

Ugh, even with this fascination and motivation to just get better and better with meditation, I still can't disregard reality completely. Although it would be nice, since this current perception just sees it as a movie where there's intermission during sleep.

Now, being able to change the segments of that movie to my own will, and completely have a indirect middle finger to this reality's expression that you are only limited to this kind of perception or that kind of perception.....that will really make me enjoy this life a lot....A LOT.

Sick. Dying. People outside playing football. Can't sleep. Why are they yelling so loudly?

Ughhhhhh *coughs lungs out*

This thread is interesting... I've never actually visited this one before. After reading many of the posts here, it warms my heart to see people looking out for each other on this site. I could not, however, spend more time in here than I already have because these posts remind me of what I left behind to make myself happier. Even the memory of what it was like living in that nest of negativity I used to call home is a downer, so I feel for everyone who has yet to escape. Hang in there everyone. Just remember that because something is ongoing now, it doesn't mean that thing has to continue forever. Everyone here has the choice to better their lives to an extent. Not everyone has the means to just pick up and go, but it starts with you. People can influence you only as much as you let them. I understand this is easier said than done, but it can be done.

I don't mean to trivialize anything that anyone here is going through, but I do wish to say that you can make a change. I also wish to say " best of luck" to all of you, and I hope I never see any of you on the evening news...

Originally Posted by PlanesWalker

it starts with you. People can influence you only as much as you let them. I understand this is easier said than done, but it can be done.

I don't mean to trivialize anything that anyone here is going through, but I do wish to say that you can make a change. I also wish to say " best of luck" to all of you, and I hope I never see any of you on the evening news...

PlanesWalker (If you ever return lol) BUT, just because people complain doesn't mean they life their life in a state of negativity. I complain here a LOT, but I always look for the bright side. I always give people the benefit of the doubt. And I feel that life is, largely, what you make it to be.
I'm going to butcher this parable, but it's how I remember it.
"An old man and his young grandson worked at the last gas station on a road to another town.
One man stopped and asked "What is the town and the people like?"
The old man asked him "What was it like at the last place you lived?"
To which the traveler replied "I couldn't wait to leave. The town was boring and the people were mean."
The old man shook his head and said "I'm afraid you'll find much of the same in the next town."

Another man stopped and asked the same question.
And again, the old man asked what the town he left was like.
"It was a wonderful place full of wonderful people. It actually breaks my heart to have to leave."
To which the old man told him the next town was going to be exactly like that.

The grandson was extremely confused. "They're going to the same town. Why did you tell them different things?"
[And I ALWAYS forget the punch line lol]"

So I googled it. It's called "The Town up ahead." And I guess it doesn't have a "punch line". There wasn't even a grandson lol

ANYHOW... I love that parable. It reflects my views on life. If you expect crap, you'll get crap. So always try go into something with positive expectations
I don't always succeed though (especially if it involves traveling ) But I try.

Link.
I sympathize. I was a size 0 when I met my hubby. I weighed 98 pounds. 15 years or so later, I weigh close to 150 But do I really care lol Not really.
If you're happy with yourself, who cares.

My only real rant is that the bird is carrying on.
I had sweet dreams for a change and I slept for 9 hours

This is getting tiring. Still been smoking like crazy, and drinking too. Now I'm just really hungover and feeling totally beaten up, I need to take a break... but my parents are going to be getting back in town soon too, so after this I pretty much need to start cleaning up the house since it's pretty trashed. Argh.

I also need to stop reading Wikipedia articles, it's making me even more neurotic. I'm a hypochondriac, so when I get caught up reading all these different articles about mental and physical diseases are start thinking that I have all of them, for the most part. And even after all these years of doing it (at least since early middle school) it can still be kind of hard to tell when I'm actually on to something and when I'm just over thinking things, so it gets kind of distressing. I'm pretty sure I found some more things I have though. >_>

And thanks for the thoughts, everyone.

Adding 1 more rant to the thread. I'm still awake at 5:48am.

I slept for around 11 hours and woke up in the late afternoon, about two hours later I realise I still don't have enough sleep so I collapsed on the sofa for around 3 hours. Which explains why I'm awake now. And I need to wake up at 8am if I go to sleep now (I still need to bathe too)?

So this chick last night at the New Years Party was being super nice to me, and I tried not to judge anything from that behavior, but the moment when she said that we should hang out some time, and then proceeded to go through statements that barely gave me any chance to respond to, before I knew it, BAM, "we have to hangout sometime," and she leaves that statement hanging and looks at me with, "WE ARE GOING TO FUCKING HANG OUT."


"Your number is still the same right?"

Lmfao, I can't believe she asked me that. xD


But dang it, you have a boyfriend, why would I want to hang out with you when you have a boyfriend?!!?!?!? I have a girlfriend, and I'm not going to hang out with a chick I have no friendship with whatsoever. When people say we should do this sometime and don't do it, just don't use it in a conversation!

If you tell me you have free time tomorrow, get your boyfriend, hang out with him! I'm not going to be one of your used trophies.

And like, the conversation starters she was using, even I could've came up with better topics to discuss.

Here's the thing she was talking and asking about the major I'm taking (hopefully I can still do it -___- )

- "Is that the thing where you put the thing in the vials?"

Me: "No, not exactly."

- "I heard it's rough......."

Me thinking: (No, you clearly don't know anything about it because (I can't really talk about what she did))

Me: "Yeah..."

-"....especially with the Biology and Chemistry........"

Me thinking: "You just split the fucking name of Biochemistry just now."

Me: "Yeah...."

-"How are you doing?"

Me thinking: "Oh, just trying to babysit your younger siblings while everyone has a good time with the party and to make sure they don't break my stuff, which should be something you should be doing since you're here...."

Me: "Oh you know......" (I honestly had nothing to say because I was so stressed out with the children screaming in my room).

Then there's the little fucker who completed a few games I had on his own, so when the kids who want to play the game, he tries to tell them what they have to do.

NO YOU FUCKING LITTLE SHIT, LET THEM PLAY AND DON'T SPOIL IT FOR THEM.

Of course, I'm not going to actually say that to him, but SERIOUSLY, god, JUST let them PLAY THE GAME.

"Nooo, you have to get Tails over the other side!"

NO STFU

And when I ask him to not mention anything, he starts telling the kid to the left of him, "Good luck with this level."

This little condescending motherfreaking, oh my god, you're like ELEVEN and you're so fucking cocky man...oh my god, just calm down bro, it's not the end of the world if you don't save them from dying...and besides, if you wanted to get a lot of turns playing the game, LET their stupid asses play so you can play more.

Fucking dipshit children I swear! NO I WANT TO PLAY, BUT I WANT TO BRAG HOW MUCH I KNOW HOW TO BEAT THIS LEVEL SO I CAN BITCH HOW I DIDN'T GET MY TURN.

GAH!!!!

And they might be coming today as well, since there's usually that hangout for hangovers after everyone drinks their vodka and stuff the day before.

Anti-rant:

Their mother has an iPad, and when I asked them to let me use it, which they did of cuorse, BECAUSE IF YOU FUCKING USE MY GaMING CONSOLE, YOU GIVE ME A TRADE TOO YOU LITTLE SHIT, I really fell in love with this thing. I just don't have enough money to buy these things, which is why I don't really bother to look into them more, but oh my god,

I fUCKING LOVE TEMPLE RUN, THAT GAME IS SO AMAZING. It's so simple, one objective, but it's SO ADDICTING...I always wonder why people are bragging about Temple Run on their iphones and other smartphones....it's soooooo fun.

Then I played versions of Angry Bird...OH MY GOD, it's so funny seeing these birds go suicide mode when you launch them lol.

inB4Peta.

And like, oh my god, the tennis game she had installed, fucking BRILLIANT game to kill time. And I was trying to pretend I'm Roger Federer and looking at the ball instead of what my opponent will do.

Raped the shit out of the UK and Poland by the way, they had NOTHING ON ME....too bad I didn't get to Germany Though....but I think I raped almost every country there.

DANG IT, I WANT TO play TENNIS again....ugh, I miss doing those one-handed backhand shots....just get into the right position, set the racquet, make some tennis magic with that shit...OOOH, it's been like 2 years I think now of no tennis.

Okay, just realized how bipolar I was in this rant and anti-rant. I'm sorry, I just needed to vent because these children are going to come back again.

That felt good. ^___^