Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

I think I'm starting to develop a crush on two of my close friends, who are currently dating each other. At the moment I'm blaming another friend of mine for it. Like a little over a month ago now he started telling me how he was starting to get really close to this couple (both guys) and how he was conflicted about it because it seemed like one of the guys wanted to fool around with him but he didn't want to risk messing up their relationship because the other guy wasn't aware of any of this, but before long he was told and he was all for it too. So I got to watch how adorable my friend was (and pick on him a lot for it) as he tried to resist every step along the way to his eventual descent into polyamory, but now the three of them have all formed a triad together and are really enjoying it. So I'm thinking that since I've been seeing this from the sidelines and how actually tame and romantic their whole experience has been it may just sort of feel like threesome love is in the air right now. But despite coming to that conclusion, it's hard to argue with my feelings.

The couple I'm interested in is a guy and a girl, and I've known the guy for years. We used to be tripping buddies and went through a lot together, and I've already had feelings for him in the past that I've had success pushing aside for the sake of the friendship, and because I knew he still liked the girl that he's now with. I only met her once they got back together like a year ago, and I've only recently started getting to really get to know her, and we're starting to really click too. Lately I've been hanging out with them a lot and just today I've started realizing that my feelings for the guy are beginning to resurface and I'm finding new feelings for the girl, and I'm starting to think I just have a crush on their relationship in general. The more I think about it the more I see that many of the reasons that I personally connect so well with either of them are also reasons that they connect so well with each other. I've also been making it worse on myself. I started inviting them to BDSM events around here and have been just trying to get them to be part of the community here, so now sex discussions are becoming a regular part of our interactions too.

Earlier today I was smoking with them and found myself entertaining some very interesting fantasies. I actually had trouble focusing on anything else because they were there. I've had lots of triad relationship fantasies in my life but I've always been able to admit at the end of the day that those come from just an active sex drive and would really just be experiences to have for the pleasure and not something I would consider when looking for something serious, but these were different. These were fantasies of actually planning a life together, the kind of things you think about when you have real feelings.... Of course, when I'm thinking logically, I know I'm not really looking for a relationship of any kind right now, but it's not like I can just easily choose not to deal with these feelings at least in some way either. I'm just not really sure how, this is a whole new dynamic for me. And I'm also just getting really tired of becoming attracted to close friends. >_>



Hi guys.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

And I'm also just getting really tired of becoming attracted to close friends. >_>

It's a bitch, ain't it?

I think you should go for it, bring it up with them and see what happens. Just say you're curious and if they don't want to, nbd.

Sorry I haven't responded to your last e-mail btw. I saves a draft at least 3 times now, but every time I was drunk and lost ability to type, then forgot to finish it off in the morning.
I'll reply soon!

Spenner, sounds like an awesome experience. I'm glad you were able to enjoy it, especially after everything else that's been going on.

Aly! So great to see you!
As for your troubles... I'm more of a prude and I would err on the side of caution. Your post also brought back some confusing feelings. My ex-hubby kept wanting to bring another woman into our bed. He'd have me work up the idea with a couple of friends. Looking back, it feels predatory. I wasn't much into the idea at all. So maybe my cautious stance just comes from bad experience (we never did get one of my gf's involved but eventually, we got one of the gf's older brothers. Everything was well and good until Russell became more interested in my ex than me )

As for the toilet link... that's an interesting idea. I've always had tummy troubles. When I was a kid throughout my 20's, during my worst episodes, I would squat on the toilet seat. It helped a LOT.

My rant- if it is a rant- is that I woke up to no Coke. I didn't even go to the bathroom after I woke. I got straight into the car and Speedy Gonzales-ed straight to Exxon (a 5 minute walk, but I was impatient). Now I can't unwind. I've not eaten anything yet. I always watch a show while I eat but I can't unwind.
SO- is this the secret to energy lol? Maybe I should exercise when I first wake up?
Whenever I wake up, I always pop a caffeine pill with my breakfast. I definitely don't need one today!

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

I think I'm starting to develop a crush on two of my close friends, who are currently dating each other.

This is like a prime example of a first sentence that will have no problem drawing people in.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

SO- is this the secret to energy lol? Maybe I should exercise when I first wake up?
Whenever I wake up, I always pop a caffeine pill with my breakfast. I definitely don't need one today!

It may be. For a few years I haven't been able to feel properly awake in the morning until I've taken a walk. I don't know whether that's something all people should be doing to feel awake or I just got used to it.

--------

I'm behind on a lot of readings in class because, though I had this entire weekend, I ended up spending it switching my os to linux, from Saturday morning to Sunday night. I can tell it will be awesome once I've gotten used to it. But since not everything is working yet and I'm not used to accessing even the things that are... I'm noticing I feel really uneasy. Similar to when the internet dies for a few hours, or I've gone to a new place without 24/7 computer access or slow internet or something. Like Windows was my home and it's gone now. I literally miss it on an emotional level.

Getting everything set up as been so frustrating. I've done it all twice already, because on Friday night (when I was finally ready to play L4D which had been the plan for the last week), I tried to get better video drivers first and they locked everything up, so I spent the rest of the night on my laptop on Skype with my bf and friend getting drunk without even playing a game and it being all my fault. To make it worse my bf had been telling me the previous day he thinks I should do it all a different day in case this very thing happened, yet I'd been determined to do it. Then the next day I just did the same thing, all day. And I still can't get Borderlands 2 running.

I'm not sure what my problem is but I cannot seem to post anywhere else and I'm starting to feel real pathetic. Anything I want to say is a rant/rave. I just want to talk I guess, but I've been going to this thread and this thread alone for so long now that I can't find a place to just interject anywhere else. Lol. I guess I hadn't expected school to be this slow going, but I'm finding I have a bit more free time than I thought I would. I am taking half the credits I usually do I guess, and that summer term was super fast paced, so I suppose it's not that surprising.

I had a dream about aliens last night. I hate it. They were like a foot tall. I had logged into facebook to talk to someone, but since I deleted it, it was all weird. Someone had stolen my FB page and the name was someone I know, but it had accents like it was another language or something. Then they were there in front of me and they seemed friendly enough, but they were manipulating these little alien creatures in strange ways and it just freaked me out. I have no idea anymore. I can't even begin to understand my dreams lately. I think things are going to get better though. I feel like I'm about to discover me again. Like another 2009 is coming my way. I don't know why, but I loved that year so much. I suppose it may have been all the LSD. lol. I miss that shit, no lies. But at the same time, I'm pretty sure those days are over. Even if my mom would take the kids for the whole weekend, it still wouldn't be enough for me to be comfortable doing something like that, even if the stuff was pure. I don't think I could "recover" in time to take care of my children. I guess I'd be worried about a bad trip, even though I know better and I haven't had a bad trip on anything really. At least not a horrible trip. There are always bad moments, but I seemed to take control pretty easily.

Anyway.. this truly is a rant. I wanted to say something, but I can't remember. I guess it's shower time and then to bed for hopefully some non-alien dreams. But, since I've been talking about it and thinking about it... I hate my conscience sometimes. Don't think about purple elephants. Hmmm.. I could use that to my advantage. But knowing my luck I'll have dreams about purple aliens instead. See what I mean? I suck. Goodnight.

I hope your game starts working for you soon, Dianeva... and that you absolutely love the new operating system once you get used to it. I need to upgrade my machine in a major way, but I always wait for hubby in that department (especially!)

Suena, I hope your life becomes all you wish for and more. And about the dreams. I know EXACTLY what you mean (as I suspect everyone else does as well. At least here ) The other night, I fell asleep thinking: "I would really LOVE a great flying or spinning dream." And sure enough, I had a spinning dream. It was one of the greatest I had had in a very long time. But, I usually end up with a jumbled hodge-podge of things as well

My rant is ??? allergies? a cold? just the weather getting cooler and drying me out? I don't know exactly. But even when I'm wide awake, I want to crawl back into bed because my EYES feel tired. Dry eyes do that to me every time.
Also, the cops finally came over today to talk to my son. They wanted to know about a FB account created. It used all of his personal info but it was the one used to harass my daughter. They seemed to take our word for it that neither he nor I knew about the account. From the point of view as being a suspect, it was a relief to get it out of the way. As the mom of a possible victim, I expected more. I've been expecting them to seize my cellphone and computer. I want to know who's torturing my daughter and why. But it seems, more and more, as if my daughter is doing it herself. The cop hinted that the investigator in my daughter's town thinks she was the one behind the cellphone calls. Or that she was making it up.

If my daughter is so far gone that she's crying out for help in such ways, I sincerely hope she gets it and finds some peace and closure. But, I fear, so long as I shelter my son that will never happen. Curse me for always playing the Devil's Advocate. Curse my inability to rise to rage over things that matter. Curse my son for being a pervert and curse them both for getting high and stupid.
I fall asleep every night thinking about her and feeling what must be but a tiny bit of her pain. Sometimes I just hate life.

My other daughter is talking about dropping out of college and moving back to town. Gah! Curse me for accepting my kids warts and all. She needs a kick in the butt. But I played the Devil's Advocate yet again. 'If it's truly in your best interest, go ahead. Drop out of college. But understand why people are angry and upset with you. You ARE making a mistake. You ARE intelligent and able to do it if you really want to. But am I mad at you? No. Come home if you must.'


On a less serious note... a cut the skin above my thumb nail a bit too short. And I didn't even get the exact spot where the callous (of sorts) is. So the skin is rough and peeling in places and constantly snags my yarn when I crochet... which is all day, every day.
I'm still working on a skirt. Single crocheted. Which translates: tiny stitches which take way too friggin long Out of curiosity, I'm also *trying* to crochet a pair of basic panties. We'll see how that one goes lol

I'm blazing through the audio book of "Duma Key". I absolutely love it. I'm about to begin CD 11 out of 18.

A mini rant is that I tried to finish my responses to people before I had to get ready to leave but failed. I'll definitely finish them when I get back though!

A rave (depending on how you look at it) is that I'm about to head to my first day at a job.

Here is something very frustrating that happened today.

To begin with, I am an introvert and I'll gladly stay in my flat for days without meeting anybody. And that's what I did last weekend. I had just recovered from fever, was extremely tired and needed time alone to regain my energy. I switched off my phone and slept for 2 days, getting up only to eat. On monday, I woke up feeling refreshed and posted an introvert cat meme on facebook:

imageos.jpg

The next thing I see is a friend at my workplace attacking me verbally with a burst of emotion. Some fragments of what she said are "you don't want people to talk to you", "you don't want them to disturb you on weekends", "you don't want to see their faces", "you don't care about people", "you sit and post anti-human quotes on facebook", "i will never disturb you on weekends nor show my face to annoy you".

She didn't even give me a few seconds to explain myself and took personal offence on a harmless facebook post.

GOD! Why are some people so difficult to deal with?!

Thoughts, anybody?

Have a great first day, Aly!!

Anju: drama. Some people eat, breathe and live it. I'm an introvert as well and the older I get, the more I exclude drama kings and queens from my life. I don't dislike them. I'm not angry or annoyed with them most of the time. I just sort of view them as psychic/emotional vampires and I simply don't have the energy to deal with such people regularly.
Hope you're feeling completely better and enjoyed your rest

Crocheting is awesome, my mother used to do that Zhaylin. Better post a picture when you're done with that skirt.

Rant: Lately I've began going to school again as some of you may know, and it's all going great. I'm doing my homework, I'm studying and I made my first test today. It went great.

But for some reason I have a feeling of emptiness in me, a void. I need to fill this up, but I absolutely have no idea how. It's not that I'm not happy, I am in fact. It just feels as if something is missing. How can I discover what it is?

And when I have free time I have absolutely no idea what to do and all I do feels like it's a waste of time unless it's sports.

I've got a cold and an incredibly sore throat. I've also got a lot of acid reflux and I keep having to cough. All in all it makes for little sleep. I feel miserable >.<

My stomach is growling and is hurting already for 3 days

Shortly before this school year started, I told myself that I should move on and forget my crush.

I'm currently on my third full week of school... and that ain't happening.

I'll do that Athylus... but it might look more like a blanket than a skirt I am way out of my league. I've lost count of how many times I've re-started this project. I'm now trying to crochet it flat and then I'll sew the edges together. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about the tapering waist. I'm working from the bottom up and seeing that I prefer long skirts, I have a very long way to go before I need to REALLY worry about the waist.
I've found I love crocheting. I just wish my skills were MUCH more than they are.
Grats on school and your test for the void.
A void is one of the reasons I picked crocheting back up. I just didn't know what to do with myself and was sick of feeling sort of aimless. I hope you shortly find something that you love to fill yours.

Khh, Karloky, TimeDragon.
No stomach problems here but I think I do have a cold. I keep waking with a sore throat and fight it a little throughout the day. My nasal passages are swollen. Hope everyone feels better soon!

As for crushes.. they tend to take more time

My rant is that I don't know if I want to go to sleep or try for an all-nighter. If I require more sleep (I've been getting a lot plus long naps), I need to take a Benadryl. If not, I should probably take a caffeine by midnight. I think I'm still sleepy, though I don't know how. The boys have GED tomorrow or I wouldn't worry about this. My oldest had a job interview this morning, so GED had to be moved to tomorrow instead of today.

Another rant is that I don't know how to take a compliment and thwart unwanted sexual advances. I keep running into an older guy at Wal-mart. I mean, it's not often, maybe once a month or so. But I always forget about our encounters after I leave the store. He has a very kind face that reminds me of the husband of one of my hubby's employees. Falling into conversation with this stranger is very easy. I don't even know his name. Every single time I see him, I first think it's the employees husband. How is that possible lol.
But then he starts on about how pretty I am; how he likes seeing women in skirts but wonders how I would look in a pair of jeans. Then it turns to how he'd be so happy if he woke up next to a woman like me.
I always give him a hug before I leave.

He's very flattering and sweet, but he makes me very uncomfortable. But it's the sort of uncomfortable that I can still smile about.

If I could, I would never leave home. I don't like interacting with people in the flesh. I'm not witty and it takes me too long to think and make connections. And I must always be nice

Originally Posted by tommo

It's a bitch, ain't it?

I think you should go for it, bring it up with them and see what happens. Just say you're curious and if they don't want to, nbd.

Sorry I haven't responded to your last e-mail btw. I saves a draft at least 3 times now, but every time I was drunk and lost ability to type, then forgot to finish it off in the morning.
I'll reply soon!

It's alright, take your time lol. There's no rush. (And yes by the way, it is the same couple I mentioned in the e-mail.)

I wish it was that simple, but there's a lot more going on here too that I didn't mention. It's a complex situation, and yesterday just made it so much more so. At the moment I really just wanted to vent about it, I don't plan to make a move.... I really do value our friendships way too much to risk doing something like that, and I know it means a lot to each of them too.... But that doesn't mean I won't continue to slowly nudge the situation in that possible direction over time. >.> Though sometimes I think I won't even have to try. There's... a lot to go into that I'm not going to here, but I'll fill you in on some more details if you ever get around to that e-mail.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Aly! So great to see you!
As for your troubles... I'm more of a prude and I would err on the side of caution. Your post also brought back some confusing feelings. My ex-hubby kept wanting to bring another woman into our bed. He'd have me work up the idea with a couple of friends. Looking back, it feels predatory. I wasn't much into the idea at all. So maybe my cautious stance just comes from bad experience (we never did get one of my gf's involved but eventually, we got one of the gf's older brothers. Everything was well and good until Russell became more interested in my ex than me )

It's great to see you too! And that's ridiculous lol. I wouldn't want to do anything unless they were both up for it though anyway. And that sounds more like a fetish thing, but what I would want out of it is something serious. It is confusing though.... I'm still not really sure how to feel about it. @_@

Originally Posted by Dianeva

This is like a prime example of a first sentence that will have no problem drawing people in.

I'm sure I missed something here, but that is what I was going for lol.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Have a great first day, Aly!!

Thanks!! It actually went really well! I'll get to that in a second.

-----

So today was interesting.... I was planning to type much longer responses but I'm just out of it now. It's been a long couple of days. Most of today wasn't really stressful or anything, but it was just mind-numbing. Since it was my first day on the job it was all about orientation and signing agreements, and it was all done on a computer in the kitchen. The manager who was walking me through it all is this kid just a few years younger than me, right out of high school. I spent most of the time talking to him about raves and upcoming events in the area. He was blasting club music throughout the kitchen the whole day, so that's pretty sweet lol. From what I hear that's what it's like all the time, so I think I'll at least like the work environment. The people there seemed cool enough too.

Earlier today was hard though. If I had more time this morning I probably would have gone on this long rant about it, but I've cooled off somewhat now. What it really comes down to is that I desperately need to get away from here. It's been convenient living at home while taking classes, but I have to get out. There's actually a story to it but I don't even know how to begin to tell it without it sounding like just a cry for attention, though I feel like I kind of screwed myself over there by always chasing such an over-the-top life. But basically, being here is causing me to still be stressed out and doubt myself when I feel so confident and relaxed when I'm out of the house. This has all been brewing in me and something my dad said this morning really put me over the edge. My totally positive mood at the time was just shot down, and I can't deal with that anymore. It happens all the time. Now that I'm working I'm thinking about looking for opportunities to move in with a roommate(s) some time soon. There are a few people I know would be up to it no problem, including (sigh) that couple... but I just think it would help so much. It's just depressing to be feeling so good about my life right now and be brought down by something at home. And with the progress I've been making lately, I think it's just the logical next step anyway....

The day's been chill enough since I got home though, so that's nice. I'm planning to type a more spirited post when I actually get some energy back.

Thanks Zhaylin
Yeah, I feel much better now.

Just a suggestion: Isn't it easier if you start with the waist when you crochet a skirt?

Aly. So glad work went well But I'm sorry to hear home is stressing you out.
That does sound like a rockin' work environment though

Anju, that's part of the problem. I have little idea about reading patterns. I've tried and tried but it all looks like gibberish lol I started with the waist in my first few tries, but I have a big butt and big thighs lol I can increase the stitches to make it wider as I go along, but with the skinnier waist I wouldn't be able to pull it up. I tried working in circles AND as a flat piece, but it just never worked.
Now I'm working from the bottom but I'm thinking about leaving a space (after tapering or decreasing the stitches) once I reach my waist that I can lace up to close. But who knows. I might just end up with another blanket- albeit an oddly shaped one
There's nothing special about it. No pattern, no design, just single crocheted. I wanted to try my hand at something basic and functional and warm (with winter coming and all).
Glad you're feeling better

I decided to stay awake. My audio book talked me into doing so I'm finally on the last 2 Cd's and I want to get something new from the Library today. I'm getting sleepy though and it's way too soon to take another caffeine pill without getting nauseous. I took one at 9:30 and another at 3. I shouldn't take another until at least 6. I could go to bed right now and fall right to sleep I hate having responsibilities Being able to sleep whenever I want is wonderful.

You can add a drawstring to make the waist fit.
Now i'm feeling tempted to do crochet

Thanks for the info Tommo, definitely something I'm going to try, something I have yet to do~

Waves of depression have been hitting hard, and substances are at the tip of my temptation, but I resist. It's a good practice, but at the end of the day indulgence is likely, however I haven't been to the liquor store myself in 2 weeks (nearly 3 now)-- not that I am an alcoholic by any means, but the reasoning for drinking sometimes is not what I'd call recreational, and more therapeutic. I'm not going to let that persist...

Couple days ago I just drowned myself to the best of my ability (this was before the trip I had, which seemed to cleanse all of the tension surrounding my current state) with kratom, alcohol, kava, weed, even tried hitting the DPT I have, and a whippet or two. What a waste of a day! I sit here consistently narrating to myself about my demotivation, and lack of a job, and this is how I felt I could be productive...

I have an irrational bout of anxiety if I think about anything that has to do with: getting a job, working for a job, doing something for money, doing important work. I have to go to a client's house to discuss a helmet design but I have been avoiding it like the plague, and the longer I wait, the harder I keep slapping myself.

I'm hoping that in another week when this house is sold/moved out of, things will magically purge into a more balanced lifestyle. But I don't have high hopes. The demotivation is crippling, as is the depression, being away from my girlfriend for 4-5 months won't help matters. Insomnia has been as rough as ever for me, I don't know if I slept last night. I remember being in a dream but to me it was flowing like a regular thought process, no more than a daydream, but all sleep is like this for me. I close my eyes, the mind drifts, and if I'm asleep I just can't tell. I just assume I'm awake, because my mind stays the same. I don't want to go back on Mirtazapine but I might have to, no other OTC sleep aids have been helping much. 100mg dimenhydrinate made my BODY sleepy but it did absolutely nothing to slow the mind down, and that's my only issue here. Chemical lobotomy is the way to go then, with mirtazapine, eugh.

Other than some of the negatives, I guess some of the positives have been that my thinking has felt better lately. I started taking noopept sublingually instead of just swallowing it. While bitter, it seems to work quickly and far stronger. Part of me believes noopept is making my insomnia worse, but without it, I feel helplessly confused all the time, have no attention span, no capacity for learning or creative work, etc.

This is just a frustrating cycle between intense mental stimulation, and then trying to shut it all down, day in and day out. The stimulation part is easy enough, but shutting it down? That's a whole other mess.

I miss being productive, and I miss having money. I really need to get a job but the thought of spending 8 hours a day doing something I don't absolutely feel like I love doing feels like imprisonment. Bah.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Aly. So glad work went well But I'm sorry to hear home is stressing you out.
That does sound like a rockin' work environment though

Thanks, I'm looking forward to working there. And it's alright, I'm not letting it get me down. The energy's coming back today and I'm just going to keep staying on track.

Originally Posted by Spenner

Insomnia has been as rough as ever for me, I don't know if I slept last night. I remember being in a dream but to me it was flowing like a regular thought process, no more than a daydream, but all sleep is like this for me. I close my eyes, the mind drifts, and if I'm asleep I just can't tell. I just assume I'm awake, because my mind stays the same. I don't want to go back on Mirtazapine but I might have to, no other OTC sleep aids have been helping much. 100mg dimenhydrinate made my BODY sleepy but it did absolutely nothing to slow the mind down, and that's my only issue here. Chemical lobotomy is the way to go then, with mirtazapine, eugh.

Have you tried smoking blue lotus?

Anju, are you a sister crocheter Or are you wanting to take it up? I'm absolutely loving it. Have I said that already
The drawstring method was my first thought and 1-3 or so tries lol. I really wish I could read patterns. The abbreviations are starting to make more sense to me, but I (somehow or another) ALWAYS screw up my stitch counts. Even using markers
But try, try, and try again- right?

Spenner. No words of wisdom here. Just hugs.

YAY, Aly for good energy and higher hopes

My rant is a basic one. I (mostly) slept in the car instead of reading I only got about 30 minutes (out of 4 hours) of reading done. But I needed the sleep and it was good sleep.
I went to the Library on the way home and picked up another audio book "The Visitant" by Kathleen and Michael Gear. I asked the Librarian about a missing book in the Longhouse series. They don't have it. They have 1, 3 and 4 but no 2
But they're going to try to order it. That would be wonderful. And the sooner the better (before I start forgetting the first one).

When we got home there were 2 praying mantises (manti ? lol) at the garage. One was on one of the doors, the other was on the ground. I stood at the car and just watched them for about 10 minutes. We get some huge mantis' around here. I noticed their colors were different than what I normally see. They were a mostly brownish color instead of green. And the one on the ground looked like it was sort of playing. Now I need to consult the Oracle (Google :lol) and see if the different colors are due to the coming of winter or maybe they're different sexes. I'm also curious as to whether or not bugs CAN play lol

All in all, it's a pretty good day thus far.

I am a crocheter Learnt it in fashion school. But now I kinda lost touch.

Crochet is a great stress buster! I can't read patterns either. I make my own patterns.

I've been wanting to make something like this: a61c2e28fec37e258f11e2a3895851f5.jpg
(without those hanging loose ends)

VERY pretty... but looks uncomfortable.
My own trial of making undies wasn't successful yet. I'm trying to learn how to make triangle shapes- it hasn't gone very well just yet I'll keep trying, but my focus is the skirt for now.
Make your own patterns?! Most impressive!

We'll have to start a crafters thread

All day, such a fucking battle fighting terrible PMS. For the last few hours, everything I think about is either so irritating I want to kill someone or so depressing I want to kill myself. I spent the whole 1.5 hour bus ride on the verge of tears, trying not to cry because I was in public, because I kept thinking about death. It started when I saw this elderly lady sleeping on the bus.... and it just looked so pathetic. Imagining becoming old and useless and disgusting, everything I love dying, knowing that will probably happen, as I'm female, and I'll probably outlive my partner, and I'm almost positive I'm not having any children. The only way I could stop thinking about it and come to some resolve was to convince myself I'll kill myself before I let that happen. If life is just misery with no chance of getting better, then there's literally no reason to keep living. It would be the rational move.

But when you're that depressed about something, or when I am, during pms, every little thing that goes wrong which normally would barely phase me suddenly seems so stressful. I just can't deal with anything. While walking home I dreaded opening the door and my dad saying hi, and having to say hi back... it just seemed so irritating, I didn't want to have to interact with him at all. It's just so irritating that he treats me coming home as this big event, like he has to say hi and try to have a conversation with me every time, even though he knows I'm tired and don't want to. Instead of respecting the fact that I need to be alone and can't stand talking to him, instead of respecting that and giving me some time at least before talking to me (if he absolutely has to), it's like he thinks I'm rude for not wanting to talk or something. So he becomes passive aggressive and talks to me anyway. I was dreading that and thinking about it almost non-stop during the 15 minute walk home. And sure enough when I got through the door, he says "hi" and I said "hi" but I guess it was too quiet and he says "Hello...?" as though irritated and thinking I'm ignoring him, and I said "HI" in an exaggerated loud voice. I then ran up to my room, into the bathroom and threw something. Then I went to get food as I hadn't eaten all day and couldn't stop sobbing. Luckily he either didn't hear any of it or had the sliver of common sense necessary to realize not to come in there.

So I took a shower and finally felt somewhat okay, preparing to talk to my boyfriend. Background info is that we keep getting less and less time to talk. He started working at a different place a couple months ago, 5 days a week ending at 1 am. Then I started going to school so we had less time, and for the last month he's had to work 6 days a week, giving us only 1 night a week to actually talk long enough to get into any sort of meaningful conversation. It was difficult but it's finally over. Except... when I got out of the shower, the first thing I see on Skype is that he found out his new work schedule, which will be in place for at least 1 week, likely longer. He now has to work 5 days a week from 6pm - 6am. Considering my school schedule, that will give us literally no time to talk besides the weekends. Unless I start waking up really early and he wakes up in the 'middle of the night' to talk to me. Then I instantly became miserable again and started sobbing.

Only now it's finally started to get a bit better. A sort of calm feeling after being miserable for so long. Appreciating moments of mental stability. It might be a good time to distract myself by doing some school work... Oddly that actually seems fun now, just doing something that doesn't involve emotion at all.

On another issue, I need a fucking smartphone. It's not just that 'everyone has one, therefore I want one to fit in', it's that not having one literally gets in the way of my life. There are certain ways of doing things for which phones are essential now. I've noticed that there are even less hung-up clocks than there were a few years ago, because everyone has a phone so there's really no point in wall clocks.

Then again, maybe the two complaints are related.....:

Spoiler for Comedy: