Just kind of skimmed through. I know I suck. But I love Kahn Academy, to throw that in there.
Anyway...
I had an interview today at Wal-Mart (I know it's an evil giant, but I don't have many options living in a small town and I need to make a little money). I was interviewed by two people. The first person made me really nervous. She was laid back, but I couldn't tell what she was thinking and it really upped my anxiety. The second interview went more smoothly and I didn't feel as nervous. They asked me a bunch of "describe a time when.." type questions which I hadn't prepared for. I used a lot of experiences from school since that's what I've been doing the past two years, aside from all of the drama at home. Apparently I made a good impression, because they offered me the position of a cashier (woohoo) but I was told to wait for a call to set up a drug test. I actually partook in a little joint smoking session on Sunday so I was a little nervous about that. But I'm not a regular smoker anymore, so I'm thankful for a little extra time to be certain it won't show up. I guess I can't be certain, but hopeful. I was worried they'd make me do it then and there. I drank so much water today, lol.
I know it's not a big deal and everyone gets nervous about starting a new job, but the reality of it kind of hit me when I got home. I haven't worked in over two years. I'm not worried about the work as a cashier or anything. I know I can do the job well. I'm just nervous about meeting new people and making the right impression. When I say that, I don't mean I want to "wow" everyone at how well I can do a clerk's job or anything. I just want to get off on the right foot, maybe make friends. I don't want to get wrapped up in those kinds of people that we all have had jobs with... the ones that just gossip and are negative about being there all of the time. It just seems like those are the types of people that I tend to fall into whenever I work at a job. I don't think it's because that's the type of person I am--at least I don't want to be that type of person, but I think I get so nervous that I just end up wanting to fit in and so I go along with gossip and reveal too much about myself from the start. Does that make sense?
I already feel like I'm getting off on the wrong foot. When I was sitting in the break room, a younger girl came in, a cashier, and she was talking to a manager. She smiled at me before she walked out and it gave me the sense that it was a friendly work environment. I mean, the smile was genuine. However, when I left the interview I still needed to get a few things for dinner. This same girl was working the express checkout and I went down her aisle because I thought she was nice. But she hardly spoke to me as I checked out and in fact there was this kind of edgy look she was giving me in place of a smile. I thought that maybe she was just curious about me as a future coworker, you know. Just kind of being standoffish, and maybe trying to judge my character. This could be true, but it also felt like she automatically didn't like me. She was real friendly to the next person in line, so, I don't know.
I know it's silly to base my feelings off of one person working there, but it was kind of a representation of how I felt in the past with other people. I just know that there's more going on in their head, and the fact that they don't say anything, not even a little small talk makes me wonder if they simply don't like me. Which brings me to the thought of, why does it always feel like I bare the mark of the beast on my forehead? What is it about my face that automatically makes people not like me? (Yes I am aware that much of this is ALL IN MY HEAD). But really. I'm friendly with anyone who doesn't give me a reason to be otherwise. I smile, and I feel like I say the appropriate things. I ask them how they are doing and genuinely care. I'm open to new people, but I suppose, simply, that people aren't generally open. Is that a bad thing? To be open? I hate it sometimes. But then there are times that I really admire that quality because sometimes it makes someone's day.
I guess my point is that I feel like I'm at a crossroads. There's this path that I really want to take which allows me to be myself, but a more conserved and controlled self--and then there's the path that I generally fall down on, which is the path of chaotic interpersonal issues of awkwardness and shyness and nervous laughter. There is no amount of advice I feel like I could take that would truly help me with this problem. Not even the right kind of anxiety pills.. because pills wear off, and only make reality much more harder when the effects are gone (at least for me). This is truly a personal rant, isn't it.
I'll stop here, because I'm tired and I might start ranting about that instead. Night.
|
|
Bookmarks