Thread: Insecurities

Yeah, and I hate when you can't even tell what people's guidelines are. It would be nice is everyone were just honest and didn't judge me based on that kind of thing.

"How often should I text"
#White girl problems.

Originally Posted by Castles

"How often should I text"
#White girl problems.

It's true. >_< This whole...

Originally Posted by Kaomea

How often should I text, should I have the last word? If I don’t they might think I don’t care. If I do then they might think always have to have the last word.

...thing applies to me so much. Nice post Kaomea, I missed it earlier.

I have no memory of seeing this thread nor responding to it.

That's not good lol. Maybe you were drunk at the time?

Originally Posted by Dianeva

I have no memory of seeing this thread nor responding to it.

Isn't being on DV drunk fun! Wait till you find out what you said in the extended discussion thread.

I kid, I kid

I don't know. It doesn't sound like it.

Kaomea's sig pic is way too sexy.

I could keep track of what people said to me as that guy who sat alone and didn't talk to anyone. There was this one kid from my Tennis team when I was in High School that basically said this to his friend in front of me. If you just looked at the composition of his body, you could easily tell he was a shit for brains, and obviously wasn't going to succeed much in life His attitude towards work, the weird looks he gave me when he moved over to the other lunch table because others didn't treat him well, and then looking at me when I'm with them.

He was worried that he didn't know me because I didn't open up as easily to my teammates or just people in general, because there was no other way he could dislike unless he had a petty reason to not respect me. But I'm no where that guy, and I don't have any troubles with him because I never did, it's just his random dislike towards me that made me laugh.

And especially during the last High School I went to before graduating, I asked a friend of a friend I knew in the previous High School if I could sit with her and her friends, they accept, and I found somewhere to sit because some ignorant prick was mad that I "took" his seat, but he couldn't do anything about it because fighting over a seat would just make him look like amphibious shit.

Then when I start hanging out with these girls (they were all girls in a round table, so I was the only guy). And from to looks of the atmosphere and everyone that was beyond this little circle group we had, I could tell people were keeping secret thoughts of how I shouldn't be hanging with below-average looking girls. (And I knew this because a girl indirectly told me why do the good guys hang out with ugly girls)...and in that school, at least I was the better looking ugly person than most guys there, and I could get the vibe from this girl that she was directing it to me.

And now in college, I find myself holding on to my set of rules and schemata of life because I constantly have a separate thought in my head that there are over 40k+ students in this University. To indulge in being insecure because someone doesn't like how you think, live, (and all the other things the OP mentioned) would be petty, because it's only conforming to a few people. And those few people aren't worth it compared to others, especially with competition.

Everyone tries to compare one another in college in general, when they should realize that there's always someone better. Rather than comparing, they should use this invisible variable of someone always being more qualified than you to motivate them to keep doing better and not slack off. I can see the expressions from people's in lectures, labs etc.

I can see females try to look at me long enough to get their attention, but I don't bother because being interested in that one person feels like it's a waste of time, especially when relationships are short-term because everyone is still experimenting in what identifies them, what gives them some modicum of relief that they know who they really are.

I honestly don't know who I really am because I'm constantly being condescending to myself to force myself to think higher and think more logically, which forces me to be quiet most of the time in college because I know there's always something better I can say

When I started to become more aware that we're overpopulated in this world, I utilized that as my "shield" from luring myself to people who are dipshits, and will pull you down to compel you to become dipshits like them as well.

And for relationships, this is why I've been single all my life. If I were to go out with a female, even if I don't care what people think, my family might have insecurities themselves on who I go with. Of course, I know I shouldn't let that get over me, but there's this separate thought in me that I should at least find someone who matches part of their ideals of a good partner for me.

Of course, my family's ideal is pretty logical when choosing a potential mate, but I find myself walking away from that path. I'm honestly just waiting until I become capable of creating my own life and fading away from my family because I can see their just going to become old and fancy themselves into petty shit like ("Why didn't you do this?" and "Why you didn't do that") and the brief moments of bullshit intelligence when they explain to another about a certain concept to make themselves sound smart, when in fact, they are already at their peak.

As much as I want to be misanthropic and be strong in my ideals, I know I can't just hate people forever (the people that are dipshits, not the ones who know how to be independent and yet sociable at the same time).

When someone makes fun of another person because of how they act, for example, a girl/guy who walks in weird clothing and is just considered "weird" overall to people, and they make comments about him to make themselves feel better. They have this mentality of "Oh look, it's that guy, he looks like shit, so let's talk shit behind his back while we boost are egos."

Everyone will talk about someone, I know that, but for petty things like that? That's what makes me not have friends at all. Even when I come into terms with competent friends, they will always find someway to make themselves look like shit because they're trapped by their other friends who are just a waste of space. It really sickens me, and ever since I joined this forum, I've been more independent and strong in my ideals because I've always been interested in seeing beyond the world, beyond the petty shit people get stressed over too much. I love being ambitious and just forgetting about people (but at the same time, trying to have few friends and respecting them for what they believe in).

But with insecurities, sometimes competence makes it compelling to regress back to the petty shit of others.

An example can be me trying find a way to teleport to another world (cliched I know, but it's something) that is light years away from us. I believe in Astral Projections/OBES, but not fully because I only had 1-3 of them honestly. I get this notion in my head that I could use that to travel around space and find things beyond our reach, and to just become fascinated at it's presence, and to see that Earth is just a grain of sand compared to the potential the Universe has to offer.

And yet, I know I can't physically prove that these things might be possible because I'm not capable of doing so. Things like that would require larges sums of money, a lot of guinea pigs (since carrying your genetic code over millions and millions of years to another place is bound to screw up sometime)

It's that overzealous ambition to go for things that are impossible that forces me to think outside the scope of the average joe. I hate my family even more ever since I started to attempt lucid dreaming because I know one can find better experiences and better replacements (feeling unconditional love that isn't saturated with tolerance to satisfy our state of being, but rather seeing a person for who they really are, and loving them for their differences instead of trying to impose that the other person's ideals is better than the the other).

I find myself worrying less about people, but the problem with that is, they start to care more about me. It's like a thorn on my side, whenever my family tries to show love to me, I always respond in pretentious manner because it's sickening to see how fragile they are.

Especially parents and family, they work so hard to train a child to hopefully become an adult and not a reject/low-life/waste of effort/waste of space/whatever-you-think-is-a-way-to-put-a-person-to-shame....and then they try to pull them back down with their petty shit when they see their child has the potential to grow and become more superior than previous generations (isn't that the point of passing on genes? To create something better and to keep elevating that standard instead of having random generations of success, failures, failures, success, failures, or whatever combination.

Even when one does have a stable schemata and knows what they want, and do not jump on the bandwagon so easily when they see another ideal introduced to them, it's the fear of incompetence of going further in life, (in my opinion), that prevents them from become too, how do I say this...."Divine, pure, and powerful at the same time."

Which is why I try to lucid dream, and go beyond that really to see what I can be capable of, and these things compel me to believe that this life is a stepping stone. But if anyone doesn't believe that, I have no qualms with them, because it's their life.

Too bad I didn't see this thread earlier, I feel like I'm just extending what Kaomea said, but I believe she's right.

But one thing I can't define and can't escape is my limits as a human being. I know I can have a strong mindset and find who I really am to know what I want and know what I accept as right and wrong, but it's always that law of mortality that gradually edges me back to the pettiness of others....it's almost disgusting that I'm not trying hard enough to forget about the world (while still being able to live and operate to sustain the rudiments of life of course) without thinking about the well-being of my future partner that I have to use to pass on my genes, and hope that those vessels will be able to surpass the peak we've reached ourselves.

Anyway, I better stop before I find myself repeating things in a different syntax

I wish I could find the words to describe my thoughts of what I think about life with human beings. I'd say it's more of "If they can relate to you and respect you, great. But if they end up going somewhere in life and move on, even better. It'll make me want to find my own path and to keep trying to excel and not let others try to degrade me." It's not a "I don't care" facade, it's just letting things leave and come in.

But it's so much deeper than that, it's like breathable hatred that just sends that ideal even further down into darkness.

But I do know that the people I normally talk to here are the best people I've met because we mostly came to this forum for the sake of dreaming in general, and because of that, that means the people here are open to subjective truths, rather than being absolute with their ideals that can always be modified.

Even though the people I know here on DV may be strangers, at least they usually share this interest of seeing other solutions, and realizing that their schemata is not always perfect in distinguishing between reality and illusion. I start appreciating members here despite their differences, because I know they're trying to go beyond. (At least, that's what I think when I socialize with these certain groups of people).