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I'll go first
I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.
"Fancy buying me a drink?" She said,
"Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose."
"Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?"
"Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best."
"Okay," she giggled. "You can choose for me."
So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke, mate."
The Wilson family bought a pet parrot.
Jimmy the young son of Mr & Mrs Wilson decides to teach the parrot to swear.
That Sunday Gran & Grandpa Wilson come for Sunday dinner.
At the dining table the parrot blurts out, 'I caught mummy sucking off daddy'.
There was stunned silence, apart from Jimmy who burst out laughing.
Mrs Wilson said she would check on the desert & took the parrot cage with her into the kitchen.
She took the parrot out of the cage and said to him, 'You are not going to swear in this house again and to make sure I'm going to put you in the freezer for two hours as punishment'.
Dinner was finished and Gran & Grandpa went home.
The two hours was up and Mrs Wilson went back into the kitchen.
She opened the freezer and the parrot was shivering with a light coating of frost. It was flapping its wings close to its body and let out a, 'Bbbrrrrrr' as he was so cold.
She took him out and said, 'I hope your punishment has taught you a lesson not to swear int this house again'
The parrot looked at her then turned to look back at the freezer and said, 'Fuck me, what did the chicken do !!!?'
A nun and a priest walk into a bar together.
The priest says to the bartender: "Give me a drink."
The nun says to the priest.......
.... "I've got your drink right here." :D
My life
What do you call a woman who sets fire to her electricity bill?
Burnadebt
God
lol. Anyway, where will you find new yet ancient artifacts? *Giggles* At the Newseum! *Laughs*