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    Thread: Talking to Exceedingly Boring but Exceedingly Attractive Girls...

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      Gear Trembler ThisWitheredMan's Avatar
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      Talking to Exceedingly Boring but Exceedingly Attractive Girls...

      This might not be the best place for this question, I'm not sure what the average age is here on this forum, but it's currently the only online community I'm a part of, and I can already predict accurately the advice my meatspace friends would give me, so there's no point asking them.

      I'm 22, almost 23. My adolescence was largely defined by an obsession with girls and an inability to accomplish anything with them due to a crushing fear of rejection. I'm well past that phase, through a pretty simple technique (which can be summed up thusly: "stop giving so many fucks"). If I like a girl and she's interested in me on any level I've found I can pretty reliably do whatever I need to do.

      But now I'm encountering a new problem. Now that I'm no longer trying so hard, or don't really care so much, I'm finding it difficult to pursue girls with the same energy, because of the following problem: I live in Orange County, and for most of this year I've found that *most of the girls here are not worth liking*. That is to say, there are tons and tons of gorgeous women here, but many of them are BEYOND DULL. Like, I can't even begin to impress upon you how dull some of them are, just try to imagine it. Maybe picture trying to draw with a completely unsharpened pencil.

      Sometime last year I decided I was past the 'phase' of being completely and totally girl-crazy. As a result I have put way less energy towards the whole process, and have been spending more time comfortably alone. The problem is this: I'm beginning to realize I can't just walk away completely. I still need some degree of... romantic intimacy, for lack of a better phrase, and I'm realizing I have to put a bit more energy towards seeking that. Now, I do meet girls who are both attractive AND interesting, but they are exceedingly rare for me (my interests being somewhat unorthodox). The majority of girls I meet who I find attractive and in whom I sense interest in me are REALLY FUCKING BORING.

      So my question is this: While I wait for interesting girls to come along, should I pursue these boring girls for the sake of 'getting my fill,' so to speak, or should I be ignoring them and toughing it out until the blue moon occasions of actually great girls show up? That is to say, I'm currently texting back and forth an exceedingly boring girl who is very attractive and seems quite interested. I'm not terribly comfortable with leading people on, so if we did anything I'd have to make clear I have no interest in anything serious with someone so boring (wouldn't put it like that of course..). The thing is, as far as I understand people, if they want something serious from you, and you tell them you're not looking for anything serious, they'll claim to be fine with this, but in reality will still carry that torch for you, and in essence you're still leading them on despite their consent.

      TLDR: Is it morally iffy to pursue a girl purely for physical intimacy who I suspect is into me more deeply, even if she gives token consent or agrees on the surface to stay casual? I feel a sort of guilt when I think of doing this, but I feel guilty about EVERYTHING so I need outside opinions.

      A corollary question to this would be, if it's fine because she gives consent and that's all that really matters, how the fuck do you handle communicating with someone so dull? We seriously have absolutely nothing in common beyond our mutual attraction to one another.
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      Member TheGritz's Avatar
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      Its OK to have relationships with people you don't see yourself having a future with, it's just important to not let the relationship get any more serious than you want, and if you foresee yourself wanting out of the relationship in the near future don't string the girl along. It's important to realize that many lasting and strong relationships aren't always started with the intent of them being that way.
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      LD's this year: ~7 tommo's Avatar
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      Find wisdom in their ignorance. It works VERY well, almost too well.

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      Gear Trembler ThisWitheredMan's Avatar
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      That sounds promising Tommo, could you elaborate?
      "Less of a young professional, more of an ancient amateur."

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      Xei
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      inb4 all of the interesting girls reject you for being so dull.
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      LD's this year: ~7 tommo's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by ThisWitheredMan View Post
      That sounds promising Tommo, could you elaborate?
      Well, I hung out with some VERY dull girls for a couple of years, not too long ago.
      Basically I realised that in their simple mindedness, I could find a way to be happier and more at peace. They themselves are not, because they've never thought enough to find any higher levels of consciousness, so to speak, but coming from the way I think, I could gain insight in to how to live without over thinking everything all the time.

      Sometimes they had the best insights in to things, because most things are really not that complicated. Thinking very little about something is often the best way to deal with it, or otherwise put it out of your mind, obviously.

      I also learned to enjoy a lot of simple things.

      That's basically it, but there's more I probably can't even recall right now, it's just become part of me. Go learn yourself, I need to sleep
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      Xei
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      You're a cool guy tommo.
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      Gear Trembler ThisWitheredMan's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by tommo View Post
      Basically I realised that in their simple mindedness, I could find a way to be happier and more at peace. They themselves are not, because they've never thought enough to find any higher levels of consciousness, so to speak, but coming from the way I think, I could gain insight in to how to live without over thinking everything all the time.
      Oh, right. I've kinda already gone through this, this is how I was able to tolerate their presence for my first couple years of... successful dating, I guess you'd call it. Mostly, however, I dealt with it by being so desperate that I didn't mind at all that they were boring as long as they were willing to be with me. I no longer suffer from the overthinking stuff, spirituality and psychedelics have gotten me there... Their lack of depth doesn't come from simplicity of worldview but from a simple lack of mental acuity. It's not necessarily that they have this simple wisdom, but that they're just following the path that has been laid out for them by their parents or society or the expectations of others.

      Sometimes they had the best insights in to things, because most things are really not that complicated. Thinking very little about something is often the best way to deal with it, or otherwise put it out of your mind, obviously.

      I also learned to enjoy a lot of simple things.
      See, I don't suffer from this problem. I used to be a huge overthinker about everything, but now I approach things from an intuitive perspective and do not overcomplicate things. My path to this was not through picking the brains of the simple but through personal trial and error, I guess you could say. Acid and meditation are mostly what got me here.

      For whatever reason, I have a need to be fascinated by someone to be terribly interested in them. Does that make sense? These girls (or, specifically, this one I'm talking to at the moment) do not fascinate me on any level except that they're physically attractive, and I'm not sure that's enough and even if it is I feel moderately guilty about pursuing a girl strictly for physical attraction if it seems like her interest in me runs deeper than that. Of course, I suspect her interest in me only really runs deeper than that because she's one of these serial monogamist types who doesn't necessarily make truly deep connections with anyone. I hate to sound condescending here, and I guess I should make it clear that I'm sure this happens all the time with girls->guys so it's not a one way street, but I guess I just feel like she's operating on a lower level of consciousness. It feels like communicating with a cat. I don't feel like she's able to truly appreciate MY depth, and I don't feel like I could stand to be around her once we'd had sex. I can only imagine how dull the pillow talk would be. It's not about simplicity of perspective, it's about apathy towards depth. She simply isn't a profound person on any level.

      TLDR: I see what you're saying, but I've already got those lessons figured out. I'm something of an introvert as it is, I can't just be around a person for its own sake, you know? There needs to be depth to any relationship in my life. If I'm with a person and there is no depth, I'd rather just be alone. I'd feel quite guilty if, say, we hung out more and slept together and then I immediately was lying there in bed wishing she'd go home so I could read a book or browse these forums Hopefully this is making sense without just making me sound like an asshole...!

      edit: I should be clear that when I say I appreciate depth I don't mean that I need to be having philosophical discussions at all times or things like that. In fact I mean quite the opposite. To me, a perfect day would involve going to central park with a book and reading in the bushes. I find great depth in silence and appreciation of nature and these things, where I think this girl would find doing something like that 'boring'. She watches a lot of TV and is in the sort of over-stimulation mindset modern people are stuck with. Fake depth, you could call it.
      Last edited by ThisWitheredMan; 09-07-2012 at 08:03 PM.
      "Less of a young professional, more of an ancient amateur."

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      This is why I'm really happy I like guys. Girls are boring.
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      Gear Trembler ThisWitheredMan's Avatar
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      Hahahaha. Even if it were that simple, the dudes here are just as bad if not worse in terms of shallowness, and what's worse is they have penises and really gross hairy flabby rough bodies. Girl's bodies are aesthetically wonderful
      "Less of a young professional, more of an ancient amateur."

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      <span class='glow_9400D3'>saltyseedog</span>'s Avatar
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      LOL. I live in oceanside. I know what you mean orange county people are different and weird. If I were you I would stop wasting energy on things that are meaningless to you. If nothing about the girl excites you except your physical attraction to her maybe you are setting yourself up from a complicated trap of emotional drama. It's up to you I guess. I'm not really a shallow type of person. I actually care little about people's physical appearance. I care more about who they really are as a person. I guess I'm really weird, but I don't care.
      Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake

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      Xei
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      Quote Originally Posted by Marvo View Post
      This is why I'm really happy I like guys. Girls are boring.
      Nice casual sexism.
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      Gear Trembler ThisWitheredMan's Avatar
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      Xei... If you're joking, I don't think your brand of sarcasm is working out very well here, you're kind of coming off as a dick. It's not really sexism for a gay dude to say chicks bore him. If it is, it's sexism for me to say that dudes bore the fuck out of me and I generally avoid their company.
      "Less of a young professional, more of an ancient amateur."

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      Quote Originally Posted by Xei View Post
      Nice casual sexism.
      I say girls are boring, because their world vision often seems obscured by fitting into gender roles, more so than guys. A girl that doesn't have that problem is awesome. But a lot of them do.

      ThisWitheredMan, I'm bisexual, but I suppose that wasn't particularly obvious.

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      Well Marvo generalized every single girl by saying that they're boring. "It's not really sexism for a gay dude to say chicks bore him". But, it's a stereotype, and additionally some people may find the "chicks" reference sexist. It's all how you look at things. Either you can get offended, laugh a bit, or move on. Personally, I laughed.

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      Gear Trembler ThisWitheredMan's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by Marvo View Post
      I say girls are boring, because their world vision often seems obscured by fitting into gender roles, more so than guys. A girl that doesn't have that problem is awesome. But a lot of them do.
      Okay, actually Xei, I take it back, this is pretty sexist haha... From my perspective it's the precise opposite. From where I am standing, it is generally speaking men who are CONSTANTLY posturing and posing in an attempt to appear more masculine and avoid appearing feminine. Women, from what I see, are more likely to just be themselves and not struggle to appear as either one. These are generalizations of course, and may have a lot to do with where we live and the local culture. I'm in Orange County, where basically every dude here is a complete toolbag trying as hard as he can to seem macho.

      ThisWitheredMan, I'm bisexual, but I suppose that wasn't particularly obvious.
      My mistake! Apologies.
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      <span class='glow_9400D3'>saltyseedog</span>'s Avatar
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      I think it goes both ways. Our society puts alot of pressures on both sexes to act certain ways from the beginning of our lives. Some of it has to do with culture and expectations, it also has to do with media. I mean I always just think they give girls barbie dolls and give boys action figures. And we all on a subconscious level have these expectations for ourselves of what we should be like and how we should live. Maybe I didn't explain it well. Sorry for off topic
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      LD's this year: ~7 tommo's Avatar
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      Yeah I'm with salty. It's not one sex, it's very obvious both sexes generally try to fit in to a role. Which is why it is sexist to only say one sex does.

      Saying it's the opposite; men do it more, is just as sexist.
      Although I'd say it's more your inclination to generalise things without realising it, rather than just sexism.

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      Yes, let's go ahead and make assumptions about me, good plan.

      What I am saying would be sexist, if I said that girls are limited by their anatomy to act in a certain way. From my point of view, a lot of girls are, by our culture, made to be very obsessed with fitting into their gender role, more so than boys are. Indeed, there is put a lot more work into preserving masculinity than feminity, because masculinity is more important, from a cultural perspective. If a girl acts like a boy, it's ok. If a boy acts like a girl, it's not okay. However, to solve this problem, the masculine role is a lot wider, meaning you can get away with a lot more stuff, and stay masculine (in the eyes of society), which you cannot do as a girl, if you want to stay feminine.

      The whole subject is very dependent on the immediate culture. What I have simply observed, with most of the girls I encounter, is that they are more interested in being pretty than discussing, say, politics. It's not that they can't, it's just that they are so hard to get out of their little shell. To get a genuine conversation, instead of a facade. And that's terrible.

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      LD's this year: ~7 tommo's Avatar
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      Just to clarify, I my last post wasn't directed toward you, in case you thought it was.

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      Xei
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      Quote Originally Posted by Marvo View Post
      Yes, let's go ahead and make assumptions about me, good plan.

      What I am saying would be sexist, if I said that girls are limited by their anatomy to act in a certain way. From my point of view, a lot of girls are, by our culture, made to be very obsessed with fitting into their gender role, more so than boys are. Indeed, there is put a lot more work into preserving masculinity than feminity, because masculinity is more important, from a cultural perspective. If a girl acts like a boy, it's ok. If a boy acts like a girl, it's not okay. However, to solve this problem, the masculine role is a lot wider, meaning you can get away with a lot more stuff, and stay masculine (in the eyes of society), which you cannot do as a girl, if you want to stay feminine.

      The whole subject is very dependent on the immediate culture. What I have simply observed, with most of the girls I encounter, is that they are more interested in being pretty than discussing, say, politics. It's not that they can't, it's just that they are so hard to get out of their little shell. To get a genuine conversation, instead of a facade. And that's terrible.
      Your assumption is that this is a fact inherently about girls rather than mixed-gender conversations.

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      No, my post literally says that this is what I have observed, and I know this is just due to the people I encounter. At no point did I say "All girls are shallow make up dolls".

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      To me it's all about chemistry, and frankly I don't usually have good chemistry with the shallow, plastic ones.
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      By boring do you mean simple or girls who follow whatever's the trend, without opinions of their own, forever discussing about which dude's the coolest and nicest looking? If it's the latter, god, I don't even want to be friends with them.

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      Xei
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      Quote Originally Posted by Marvo View Post
      No, my post literally says that this is what I have observed, and I know this is just due to the people I encounter. At no point did I say "All girls are shallow make up dolls".
      I'm not sure what you're saying, but you seem to have missed my point.
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