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    1. #1
      bleak... nerve's Avatar
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      Sinner sitting on the fence.

      I'm sorry...for whatever I've been lately, I don't know, something, something...careless, self-centered, whatever. I'm so sick of myself, my crap, making excuses, because there is no excuse for myself...and sitting here talking about it is the most pathetic thing I can do. I'm sick of posting, I'm sick, just plain sick. I'm sick of being on the fence. I'm not one way or the onther, I can't make up my mind and I'm too lazy to find out for myself so I can. I'm sick of sitting here watching people go by, expecting them to give me the answers, and if they can't, I talk to them, about all the reasons I hate myself and nothing else...while ignoring the people I love...and even if they do give me the answers, they could be wrong, or lying, and I know that...so I've still gotten nowhere...then I'm sitting there...in the dark...with no one to love but myself...I think..I'll go wandering tomorrow, get off this fence and explore the world around me. Then morning comes, and I drink my tea, I feel comfortable where I am, and I don't budge. Spiders come along, building webs of doubt around me, connected to the fence, and I'm starting to give up...I'm not going anywhere...I start to believe there is no hope for me, and the webs get stronger, I'm giving in, to the thought, that even if I did want to get off the fence someday...the webs would be too strong for me to break free...

      well that's over. I'm putting on my hat and gloves, and I'm climbing off this accursed fence, I refuse to waste away, I refuse to be nothing...

      I will be here a few times a week, to check my sections of the forum...but for now, it's time for me to vanish and leave nothing but my smile.


      Ignorant bliss is an oxymoron; but so is miserable truth.

    2. #2
      Generic lucid dreamer Seeker's Avatar
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      O_O

      Let's talk.
      you must be the change you wish to see in the world...
      -gandhi

    3. #3
      Member Xarious's Avatar
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      here here
      R.I.P.
      Illidan Stormrage, Grom Hellscream, Fenix, Ulthor Lightbringer, Tassadar.

      Greatest Heros Ever.

    4. #4
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      you do that...

    5. #5
      CT
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      Re: Sinner sitting on the fence.

      Originally posted by Paperdoll EP
      I'm sorry...for whatever I've been lately, I don't know, something, something...careless, self-centered, whatever. I'm so sick of myself, my crap, making excuses, because there is no excuse for myself...and sitting here talking about it is the most pathetic thing I can do. I'm sick of posting, I'm sick, just plain sick. I'm sick of being on the fence. I'm not one way or the onther, I can't make up my mind and I'm too lazy to find out for myself so I can. I'm sick of sitting here watching people go by, expecting them to give me the answers, and if they can't, I talk to them, about all the reasons I hate myself and nothing else...while ignoring the people I love...and even if they do give me the answers, they could be wrong, or lying, and I know that...so I've still gotten nowhere...then I'm sitting there...in the dark...with no one to love but myself...I think..I'll go wandering tomorrow, get off this fence and explore the world around me. Then morning comes, and I drink my tea, I feel comfortable where I am, and I don't budge. Spiders come along, building webs of doubt around me, connected to the fence, and I'm starting to give up...I'm not going anywhere...I start to believe there is no hope for me, and the webs get stronger, I'm giving in, to the thought, that even if I did want to get off the fence someday...the webs would be too strong for me to break free...

      well that's over. I'm putting on my hat and gloves, and I'm climbing off this accursed fence, I refuse to waste away, I refuse to be nothing...

      I will be here a few times a week, to check my sections of the forum...but for now, it's time for me to vanish and leave nothing but my smile.
      Feel bored, wasting your time because usually there's nothing worth to reply to usually? Yeah, I've noticed the same thing. You're right.
      Do what makes you happy.

    6. #6
      moderator emeritus jacobo's Avatar
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      start drawing and/or writing more. read a book, watch a movie, listen to music. do whatever makes you happy, but don't be tricked into think that you aren't the only one undecided, also, don't get tricked into thinking that if you don't confom to a side you're a "sinner." sorry, if that didn't help. *suspense*
      clear eyes. strong hands.

    7. #7
      Generic lucid dreamer Seeker's Avatar
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      I'm REALLY going to miss you

      We've had a lot of great times together!!!
      you must be the change you wish to see in the world...
      -gandhi

    8. #8
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      It is easy to get stuck on a place you end up hating, or you have hated since the beggining. It is all about the choices we are able to make, and about those we think we do, but we never had control over them in the first place. It is easy to feel lost, confused by everything that seems to be going on around you; by yourself: This is something that happens to me very often, I feel I am trapped in my own mind, with someone I don't want to be. Compelled to find answers to all of the big questions in life, to find a solution to all my existencial problems, but learning that people do not have such answer, and perhaps there is none.

      Ignorance is bliss, I see it everyday. People living their lives by the little things, the details and happenings that do not matter in the end. But they are happy. Why can't I be like them? Why must I obsess about what I cannot find, what doesn't exist. It is not easy, what I do, and I would not wish it to anyone else. But I wouldn't have it any other way. It is my burden, it is my gift....It is my life!

      Anyway, I urge not to stay on top of your fence, for outside you will discover marvelous sights, even with your cynical and weary eyes. That is why life is worth living. That is where the secret must lie, in the natural beauty of this world. Go, by all means, leave and explore your existence, alter your perception of reality but never loose that ability to see past all that isn't real, to discern the meanial from the absolute.

      Anyway, check back with us, so we can see how this journey of self-discovery goes......
      If I hadn't made me
      I'd be more inclined to bow
      Powers that be would have swallowed me up
      But that's more than I can allow...

    9. #9
      Member KalmaH's Avatar
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      Take care of yourself.
      Early Morning Moment,
      A Glimpse of Joy,
      But soon it's Over, and I return to Dust...

    10. #10
      Member ffx-dreamz's Avatar
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      Don't...do it....

      well, take care.....
      You guys suck.

    11. #11
      Member RedStarSoldier's Avatar
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      Everyone has to do a little soul searching once in a while. Goodluck. *hugs*

    12. #12
      Member ffx-dreamz's Avatar
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      She won't enjoy that hug...
      You guys suck.

    13. #13
      Bio-Turing Machine O'nus's Avatar
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      Sometimes we'll all become lost and have to stop to ponder life for a while. We'll sit on the sides of the city streets watching everyones lives pass by. We'll contemplate what people are thinking, their desires, and then relate them to ourselves.. Taking lessons from peoples lives and gradually deciding what to do with ours, while evaluating other peoples lives..

      Here are two good quotes to live by in this phase:

      "When you pluck a beautiful rose, dirt must come with it"

      "Just because the masterpiece falls off the wall, doesn't mean the nail is broken."

      I know this observation point of life very well..

      Waiting idly by for someone to have the answers for you.. to understand you.. Feeling ostracised from society.. alone.. and confused..

      "This fence around your garden, won't keep the ice from falling"

      The courage to get out of this position and look for a way out is good, keep with it. Once you find something you love, hold on to it as long as you can.

      Good luck Paperdoll. All the love and luck to you.

    14. #14
      Happy Dreamer Lucius's Avatar
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      Good luck there, you will manage,if you go out,in nature, do what I told you about, it will come, it will be ok. Worry about yourself, and when you find out that there is nothing to worry about, worry about others, and do what you must for them. May the eternal balance give you strength. But you have it in you, you just have to find it.
      "You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."
      ~Buddha

    15. #15
      Member Lowercase Society's Avatar
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      Re: Sinner sitting on the fence.

      Originally posted by Paperdoll EP
      I'm sorry...for whatever I've been lately, I don't know, something, something...careless, self-centered, whatever. I'm so sick of myself, my crap, making excuses, because there is no excuse for myself...and sitting here talking about it is the most pathetic thing I can do. I'm sick of posting, I'm sick, just plain sick. I'm sick of being on the fence. I'm not one way or the onther, I can't make up my mind and I'm too lazy to find out for myself so I can. I'm sick of sitting here watching people go by, expecting them to give me the answers, and if they can't, I talk to them, about all the reasons I hate myself and nothing else...while ignoring the people I love...and even if they do give me the answers, they could be wrong, or lying, and I know that...so I've still gotten nowhere...then I'm sitting there...in the dark...with no one to love but myself...I think..I'll go wandering tomorrow, get off this fence and explore the world around me. Then morning comes, and I drink my tea, I feel comfortable where I am, and I don't budge. Spiders come along, building webs of doubt around me, connected to the fence, and I'm starting to give up...I'm not going anywhere...I start to believe there is no hope for me, and the webs get stronger, I'm giving in, to the thought, that even if I did want to get off the fence someday...the webs would be too strong for me to break free...

      well that's over. I'm putting on my hat and gloves, and I'm climbing off this accursed fence, I refuse to waste away, I refuse to be nothing...

      I will be here a few times a week, to check my sections of the forum...but for now, it's time for me to vanish and leave nothing but my smile.

      Last night, when we had our discussion on AIM, i didn't think it was this serious, you said you would be fine eventually, i would have stayed longer if i know you were going... but as i said last night, you need to find the answers for yourself, no one will give you the answer, and you need to stop looking for others to bring it.
      I HATE THE FACT that you will not be posting regularly...i will miss you so bad. You have no idea, you are one of the people here i look up to, when i was a noob, you helped me when i asked for it, and your advice has worked so much.

      To be honest, your an amazing friend, and we are all going to miss you. Is there any way you can stay?
      "i am the crumpled sheets of paper behind an artists' attempt at perfection"


      www.myspace.com/mattnocas (more recent pics and info)
      Pictures of me here-----> (4 years old now)
      http://www.dreamviews.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=5073

    16. #16
      Member A Lost Soul's Avatar
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      Wow... computer problems kept me away and I come back to this?

      Paperdoll, hon, I'll miss you and for what it's worth you are in my prayers. I agree, everyone needs to do a little soul-searching once in a while. There's nothing wrong with having questions and doubt. In fact, I encourage you to have questions and doubt. It's a great way to learn. You've got a very open mind and you're strong. I have faith in you. You'll come through this just fine, and all the wiser for it. I wish I could say or do something to help you on your way, but I can't. No one really can. What I can offer is my continuing friendship and support. I can also offer a shoulder if ever you need it. Remember that, ok? Remember that you're not alone. No matter how alone you feel, someone somewhere has walked a similar path and can help you when you're lost. We love you and we'll miss you, but don't forget that we're still here for you, too.

      “Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.”
      - Kurt Cobain (1967 – 1994)

    17. #17
      Member icedawg's Avatar
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      aww... please don't leave. well, i mean, you know what you have to do better than i, so if that's really what you have to do then i wish you the best. i just think it'll get crappy around here w/o you. normally this is the kind of thing where i post threats about coming to your house with my board-with-a-nail-through-it for teaching you a lesson about leaving, but i guess that's not really all that appropriate here. good luck though sport! (i had to call you sport...i'm sure you'll understand. )
      Each new day is a chance to turn it all around.

    18. #18
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      Well, i'm perpetually in a state of observation and soul-searching...although it is just the way i am, i guess it could sort of be a way of keeping myself somewhat more controlled and consistent - rather than binging on it every time i feel i'm canyoning. i definitely understand and i know that i'm not a big part of this board (i'm pretty haphazard sometimes), so there may not an identifiable sort of appreciation for what i say...but you are not at all alone. some days i feel the exact same kind of restraint as balancing on your fence...only for me, it's like something is balancing on me, and i cannot act without it in mind or it will fall off my head.
      such is the way of art...we all see things for more than just the sum of their parts, beyond their presentation. and i guess enlightened awareness brings just as much bad as good sometimes...but ignorance is no sort of bliss for me, i can't allow myself to deny something - that's a false sense of security. to be truly happy you much be fully in tune as well as content...i wouldn't have it any other way.
      i truly do believe that we're all plugged into the same energy. i can't name it, but often, others of like mind will present me something that i should've already known i agree with - find words that i'm looking for, create art that's been lost somewhere in my imagination, etc. i'd swear sometimes that i've found my same-sex soul mate...so anyway...even if we are only a spittle of cosmic soup on the rein of a bee searching for its all-but-forgotten bird...don't let that devalue love. no matter how fickle, this life is as spontaneously given as it is taken and i feel grateful to have been given this time. find love and enjoy the ride with hands in air.

      so, Paperdoll EP (don't even know anyone's name ),i wish you the best in whatever endeavor of your self-discovery! no "goodbye"s here, only "see ya later"s!...well, sooner or later. so here's to better self-discovery - cheers!

      ~Daniel
      "Nothing is true. All is permitted." -last words of Hassan i Sabbah X
      "As understanding reaches everywhere can you be innocent?" -tao te ching 12

    19. #19
      Used to be adroid28 Achievements:
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      Wish you luck. I hope you'll find your answers...
      Are yαυ dreαψιng?

    20. #20
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      Originally posted by azwe_echo
      We all see things for more than just the sum of their parts, beyond their presentation. and i guess enlightened awareness brings just as much bad as good sometimes...but ignorance is no sort of bliss for me, i can't allow myself to deny something - that's a false sense of security. to be truly happy you much be fully in tune as well as content...i wouldn't have it any other way.
      That is precisely what I think. Ignorance is bliss, but for those that never had the knowledge. They will never know anything like that existed and will live their lives not knowing the truth, but nonetheless happy. Probably even more happy than those of us that do know it.

      That is why I say I shouldn't wish it for anyone that is satisfied with his/her life, limited as it may be. But I, personally, wouldn't have it any other way....If I were to go back and choose between the pills, the red pills would always be my choice...

      And the truth shall set you free!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      If I hadn't made me
      I'd be more inclined to bow
      Powers that be would have swallowed me up
      But that's more than I can allow...

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