The funniest joke you've ever heard

[Ex Nine]

This topic isn't for the squeamish! I'm not talking about that one you heard last night, which you just told your friend today, right before saying, "I guess you had to be there." No! I am talking about a supernatural occurrence. Something that was so impossibly funny that the persistent urge to giggle could power a city. Scholary investigation would reveal one of the universe's watershed events that violated the conservation of energy, and would only make it funnier. Prolonged study would cause adverse health effects, such the desire sit down and die. I want a near-death experience. I want to hear a joke where you found God. Since such a joke's essence would discernably puncture the fabric of spacetime, it can't be reproduced in any event, and must be contained by the timeless vacuum of consciousness. However, be advised of the uncertain functional limitations of this forum. Do not blame me if you don't laugh or cease to exist. "Surely you can't be serious!" "I am serious, and don't call me Shirly."

[MSG]

lol

[dream-scape]

Originally posted by Ex Nine \"Surely you can't be serious!\" \"I am serious, and don't call me Shirly.\" Yeah that's sort of funny, but nowhere near the hype your describe... I guess you had to be there.

[Ex Nine]

See, D-S, that's what I mean by vacuum. Excellent containment there. Homeland Security should contract you.

[AirRick101]

whoa, it's true, everything you described happened as I laughed to the joke. It took me a while to get it, it clicked when I said it out loud to myself. Oh wait, my house's energy output has been on the whole time.

[O-Nieronaut]

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a peanut? (Scroll down for answer) This one had me laughing for hours when I wan about ten years old. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Answer: Either peanut butter that never forgets, or an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

[TB]

A baby seal walks into a club...

[kimpossible]

So these two guys walk into a bar. You'd've thought the second one would've seen it.

[justme]

Thats from a moive that Surely one heres my clean joke What do u get when u cross a rotweiller with lassie? a dog that will bite ur leg off then run for help

[AirRick101]

That's good. Or u get a dog who bites ur leg off and barks at you to do something about it.

[Mitzie]

These aren't really jokes... Most of the jokes I know might be too inappropriate to post. CONSCIOUSNESS: The annoying time between naps. My dad used to say this whenever I tried to convert him to vegetarianism: "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian. Besides, if animals weren't meant to be eaten then why are they filled with meat?!" If you ever need to borrow money, borrow it from a pessimist. They don't expect it back. Few women admit their age... Few men act it. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it. You may think you are the last one laughing, but really you are the one who thinks the slowest.

[Ex Nine]

These are GREAT. I'm probing them and it really seems like we're on to solving the world's energy crisis. The theory so far is that these are wave/particle fundamental jokes from which all other jokes are made. Under certain conditions they're a particle and they fly right past you. But under other conditions they seem to follow a wavefunction distribution whereby they break containment and "tunnel" out into the consciousness, causing an uncertain period of euphoria and lightheadedness, until they *probably* tunnel back out. Who knows, maybe there are hidden variables involved here. Although the period may be plotted under Bose-Einstein statistics, we are ultimately uncertain of a joke's exact position and momentum, this poses a measurement problem. Nonetheless, their timelessness appears to coincide with the existence of "universal constants," which strikingly help us balance equations. This is a great day for high-energy laughicists. Already some of us are theorizing a "Higgs joke field," that somehow mysteriously leads to the creation of particle jokes, and offer further insight into the "Big Laugh" that created the universe. Originally posted by mitzie_31 You may think you are the last one laughing, but really you are the one who thinks the slowest. We've known about this for some time in comedic cosmology. Since the speed of jokes is presumably constant, we see a warping effect in spacetime and this contributes to the relative experience of time you are referring to above. In conscious "time dilation," a joke appears newer to some and older to others. So, not everyone experiences a joke in the same reference frame.

[s00p]

Why can't Helen Keller drive? ---------------------------------------- -------------------------- ------------ ---- ----------- ------------------------- -------------------------------------- ------------------------- ------------ ----- ----------- ------------------------- ---------------------------------------- Because she's a woman. Written jokes suck. I always read the punchline before the joke. And still laugh, my mind is just that stupid.

[O-Nieronaut]

Originally posted by mitzie_31 Besides, if animals weren't meant to be eaten then why are they filled with meat?!\" This reminds me of something strangely appropriate that I feel I should share now. ================================================== =================== ALIENS Imagine if you will... the leader of the Fifth Invader Force speaking to the Commander-in-Chief... "They're made out of meat." "Meat?" "Meat. They're made out of meat." "Meat?" "There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the waythrough. They're completely meat." "That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars." "They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines." "So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact." "They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines." "That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat." "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat." "Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage." "Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?" "Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside." "Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through." "No brain?" "Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!" "So... what does the thinking?" "You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat." "Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!" "Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?" "Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat." "Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years." "So what does the meat have in mind?" "First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual." "We're supposed to talk to meat?" "That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing." "They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?" "Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat." "I thought you just told me they used radio." "They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat." "Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?" "Officially or unofficially?" "Both." "Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing." "I was hoping you would say that." "It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?" "I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?" "Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact." "So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe." "That's it." "Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?" "They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them." "A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream." "And we can mark this sector unoccupied." "Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?" "Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again." "They always come around." "And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe would be if one were all alone."

[Leo Volont]

I once an essay by a French Philosopher who explained why some things were funny. We laugh for two reasons, or three. Reason One: we laugh at things that remind us of our mortality, or that remind us of our animal natures in the face of our spiritual pretentions... things that puncture our sense of inflated Human Dignity. This covers sex jokes and poop humor. The second thing that is funny is Ambiguity... repeating words again but in a context whereby they suddenly deliver a different meaning... people always can't help to find that clever. All puns are functions of ambiguity. Innuendo is fun because it consists in ambiguity. The third form of humor our French Philospher did not approve of at all, and mostly because many people did not find it very funny, and that is absurdity -- weird and senseless behavior, silliness, making faces and strange noises. some people laugh at such things, but other people walk out. Some people would rather go to the dentist then have to sit through a Woody Allen movie. Which leads us to the funniest joke I ever heard which involves every element of humor -- Mortality, Animality, Ambiguity and even a little bit of silliness. It was told to me by an American. It seems that in 1949 when Alaska was made a State, a gentleman from Texas, who's chief sourse of pride and self-esteem had been that he was from the largest State, found that he could no longer face himself in the mirror with Texas having been made second best as regards to size. He no longer had any peace of mind, and so he determined to go at once to Alaska and claim citizenship and once again be a member of the biggest and therefore the best. But he was stopped at the border, and found that he would have to complete three conditions before he could claim for himself the privelege of being an Alaskan. He would have to drink a quart of Alaska Tundra Vodka, then he would have to kill a murderously vicious Kodiac Bear, and then, finally, he would have to top it off by making love to an Eskimo woman. Why sure, he was ready to do anything and so he started off by drinking down the quart of Tundra Spirts practically in one large gulp. Glug glug glug. Wiping his mouth on his sleeze he went off in search of that terrifying Kodiac Bear and was pointed off to the bear's Cave. Oh, it sounded like a horrible and bloody battle with screams and roars, but eventually our man came crawling out of the cave, clawed and all torn up, his cloths shredded and blood dripping from front, back, face and every limb. He was indeed a gory mess. Then he said, "Okay, where is this Eskimo woman you want me to kill".

[Leo Volont]

I've heard this joke in several contexts but at the British Royal Archeological Society they did not have much time for humor. Travel restrictions were lifted from Burma and finally after years of waiting they could assemble a team to explore and perhaps find that long lost Golden Reclining Buddha. It had to be off in the jungle somewhere. So the best Archeologists were assembled from the finest Universities. Since it was England, that only amounted to two -- Oxford and Chambridge. Well, as the Planning Committee adjourned for a brief break, two of the scholars, from different schools met in the Water Closet, needing to relieve themselves after having had drank all the tea they can drink over there. Anyway, the first, finishing his business walks over to the sink and begins washing his hands. The second just zips up and heads for the door. Well, the first gentleman clears his throat and says to the other "I'm sorry, old chap, but don't they teach you in Oxford to wash up after urinating". Well, the other scholar turned around and replied, "and don't they teach you in Chambridge not to piss on yourself".

[Leo Volont]

In Occupied Iraq, several miles outside of Basra, there had been a rash of suicide car bombings which had destroyed many of the garrisons and hotels, and so many people were left without living quarters. But this one Farmer, a Coptic Christian, agreed to open up his barn as temporary living quarters for whoever wouldn't mind sharing quarters with some of his animals. Well, there was a team of Doctors from Israel, but they soon came to Farmers door and complained that they had not known that their were pigs in the barn. They thanked the Farmer for his hospitality, but certainly, because of Religious constrains, they could not think of sleeping with pigs. They were simply ceremonially unclean. "Thank you, but we must look elsewhere. Shalom". Next, some Shia Muslims stopped by and soon they too came to the door with similar complaints. There religion too forbade them sharing close quarters with swine. Indeed they were just a bit indignant that it was even suggested that they could sleep with pigs. But the Farmer apologized, and said that he was offering a roof, and if they preferred to go elsewhere, they certainly could. Next came a Platoon of U.S. Marines who filed into the barn. Some time went by and just when the Farmer was beginning to feel that finally his hospitality and charity were being accepted in the good spirit with which it was offered, there comes a knock on the door. The Farmer opens the door, and there are the pigs.

[dream-scape]

This is from a movie, but is quite possibly the funniest thing I have heard in awhile. 1: Crying is for little girls, babies, and men who just had their ears ripped off. 2: Who are you? 1: I am Oobedoob Benubi. I have the silliest name in the galaxy. 2: What's your middle name? 1: Scoobi-Doobi. 2: Oobedoob Scoobi-Doobi Benubi?

[GirFox101]

"is ur refridgerator running?" "um i believe so" "because if it is, it must be running like u, very homosexual like..." - Family Guy

[scorpifly]

there are footprints on your ceiling!

[InTheMoment]

Q: Why does a chicken coop have only two doors? A: Because if it had four it would be a sedan!

[Kastro187420]

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle....? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > A poodle with an 18 inch ass hole

[Merlock]

Aah, but reading jokes in a forum thread is different... The funniest joke would consist not only of the jokes essense but also how it was told and when because circumstances apparently have an important effect on how funny a joke is. Thus, the jokes posted here may have made people laugh for hours when they heard them but won't have nearly the same effect due to the circumstances being different.

[Ex Nine]

Originally posted by Merlock The funniest joke would consist not only of the jokes essense but also how it was told and when because circumstances apparently have an important effect on how funny a joke is. Aha! You are squeamish!

[andorf]

Originally posted by TB A baby seal walks into a club... probly the funniest one so far but i believe its allready been said in the origonal big joke thread which i have to say was far better than this knock off