* feelings of being controlled by outside forces (i.e. having one's thoughts and actions taken over) *
* hearing, seeing, smelling or feeling things which are not there (hallucinations) *
* unusual beliefs (delusions). [/b]
by these criteria, i have been (am?) skitzophrenic. http://www.schizophrenia.com/ <--browsing this website seems to reinforce that assumption.
i used to hear voices with some frequency, and even came to 'recognize' two of them, and attatched names to them/they named themselves. elisa (or interchangeably elyse, or elisa) was one, and i cannot remember what the other called himself (which is strange, as he once dominated my life....).
it was never clear whether they were external entities, or manifestations of myself. i think the fact i mostly managed to believe the latter most of the time is the only reason i made it through with some semblance of sanity looking back that is certainly the reason i did not end up institutionalized or dead....if ever i had totally believed that these entities were completely external and as real as my family and friends... that's why its really hard for me to hear about people like's gwen's loved one...i realize a very thin line differentiates us...i wish there were something i could do to help them, but know there isn't anything..
anyways, i usually managed to go off alone when the voices were particularly potent, and avoid alerting anyone to just how mentally disturbed i was. to everyone else i just seemed introverted and melancholy.
at times one or both of them would take control of my body. i remember my consolation was the knowledge that "i" was always just strong enough to stop them from hurting anyone but myself...
that was always the way it seemed to work...concessions and compromises were made which nullified possible violence against others, in turn directing it towards myself. i even became obsessed with a bizarre scenario a few years ago where i would sometimes believe my destiny was to one day absorb the totality of earth's suffering, and be crucified by 4 robots (which would effectively pass evil/suffering into mechanical circuitry and purge humanity). essentially i thought myself the second coming of christ i can smile and shake my head about it now, along with most everything else, but at the time all of this was very real. anywhere from 2-4 years was spent under the influence of voices, feelings of being followed, the belief i was christ reincarnate, periods where i felt my throat was constricting and i couldn't breath, etc....
the last yeargive or take is the first time in my life that i remember that i've felt vaguely sane. there was one episode in particular that was a turning point. it is hard to remember clearly, as it has the continuity of a dream.
basically i fully confronted (was confronted by) both elyse and her masculine polar opposite. elyse symbolized everything pure, transcendent....love. the "black" entity personified everything hateful, evil, chaotic, violent....torture.
(heh, i realize how surreal this sounds as i write it....its been awhile since i've dwelt on this...)
anyways, during this particular episode they both became very real, as real as i felt myself. instead of hearing their voices i actually realized with shock that they were now speaking with my physical mouth. it felt like i had no control. the black male was convincing us (elyse was "on my side") that he was too powerful to overcome, and that he was going to kill me.
i can't remember if elyse actually spoke audibly, but she was resisting him...i basically watched helplessly. at one point a compromise was reached concerning slitting both wrists (as this has always seemed a particularly unpleasant way to go for myself...its hard to explain, but the feeling of blood rushing out into empty space makes my stomach feel weightless and my head strange...i still feel this if i think about it).
elyse and myself somehow managed to win a permanent victory barring him from ever inflicting death in this manner, but the stipulation was that he got to brand my wrists as a constant reminder of him. "i" had no control as he peformed this task with a lighter. taking what seemed like forever to heat it burning hot, and then press it to my wrist while i watched and experienced this without the ability to pull away as it slowly cooled on my skin.. and then again on the other side.
anyways, this episode ended with me lying on the balcony shaking and whimpering, and although i can't remember how exactly, he couldn't make me jump.
i still suffered from delusions and severe depression after this episode, but the voices never came back audibly...and first the black entity and then the white eventually evaporated, or were assimilated into my being.
hmm, i wasn't planning on writing all tihs out. actually, its the first time i've explicitly thought about it in awhile, or told anyone about it (you lucky ducks ). i guess my main purpose other than to purge is to share the following comments:
at various points i felt completely and utterly insane. it seemed that my delusions and hallucinations just increased with every day.
many times i would be on the verge of just collapsing and "giving in" to mental instability completely, knowing i would end up in a psyche ward. i knew they would put me on heavy medications trying to help or even 'cure' me.
i can say with 100% conviction that i would be either completely insane or sedated right now (likely both) if i had allowed psychiatrists to diagnose me at that stage of life. no doubt they would have come up with all sorts of official, knowledgable-sounding diagnoses.
this is obviously just my opinion, but fuck that, and fuck them. i'm not saying many in the mental health field aren't geniunely trying to help. but it seems some just want to reduce individuals to components in some theory they first thought of when they had to write their masters thesis. or that certain pharmacuetical companies and their lackeys will do whatever it takes to make a buck...mental illness is big business. and although i am open to the possibility that a very small percentage of drugs/medications actually treat a definite chemical imbalance and do more good than harm, it seems most are just another consumer item
hell, i've watched at least 4 friends start taking various medications for depression in the past, and all of them got worse. in the beginning they were depressed, but who doesn't get depressed? from talking with all of them i know that it was primarily a battle of will....did they want to live, or not.
and all of them allowed someone to label them with this or that, and give them drugs. and each one only got worse. two of them i have lost touch with. both of the others eventually decided to stop taking drugs and listening to those who told them they had some mental disorder, and both are now doing better than they'vee ever been. they have explicity told me it was a matter of will.
f course, nobody needs to have a whole bunch of crazy medications thrown at them, but it does need a treatment of some kind, whether it is through therapy or otherwise.[/b]
*Though I don't agree with people feeding him medication that he doesn't need, he does need a minimal amount of medication to keep his chemical imbalances in check. The problem with schizophrenics is though, a lot of them either wallow in self pity and don't want to do anything about it, or they do not admit to themselves and others that there is in fact a problem.[/b]
i think this last statement is key. it seems far too often the mental health profession only feeds people's problems. they label them and tell them they have to take this pill and that pill or they'll be a hazard to themselves and society. they essentially tell alot of people "oh, its alright to spend the rest of your life pitying yourself....we don't really expect anything more from you...after all, you have disorder X, and look how serious that is..."
fuck that line of thinking. unless they can show absolute and conclusive evidence that a certain chemical imbalance in the brain causes a mental disorder, and only a certain medication can help, why take their word for it?
again, i am 100% sure that if i had been diagnosed a few years ago they would have "conclusively" slapped me with some disorder (likely skitzophrenia or manic depression, maybe more). they would have told me and my loved ones certain judgement faculties and choices were outside of my control, and required drugs to make me somewhat "normal".
i'd likely still be institionalized or on a medication regime.
i don't think mongel's friend is suffering from anything he can't overcome with determination, hope, and honest, frank discussion with himself and others whom he trusts. i dont say that in a way which belittles what he is going through, but just the opposite. it will likely be the hardest thing he'll ever have to do, but i see no reason he can't cope without taking medication and allowing others to arbitrarily label him.
in the end i know three things helped me become the relatively sane individual i am today.
1. the will to keep trying even when things were bleak and confusing (this implies a sense of personal responsibility and pride, even when external and/or internal forces seem to be stronger)
2. a girl i befriended who was going through similar experiences who i could talk with openly, and feel connected with (even though we both had bouts of incoherency). someone who i knew had faith i could become better, and viewed me as equal, and not a mentally damaged freak.
3. luck or chance or god, or ?....
shite, that's a long post
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