The World's Funniest Quotes

Post any and all quotes you have ever heard that made you laugh your ass off. They can be from movies, tv shows, your friends, or hell, maybe something you said.

Teenage Girl: "My mom always gives me shit for smoking, but its my body! I should be able to do whatever i want with it"

Cartman: "Yea, my mom gives me shit sometimes, and i tell her to shut her hole or else i'll kick her in the NUTZ!!!"

Cartman's mom: "Eric, pookums, time for mommy to tuck you in with your snuggle-bears for night-night!!!!"

Cartman: "......................cuuuuuming muuuuuuuuuuuumm"

*the treehouse episode of south park*

Kenny's mom: "YOU LAZY ASS MOTHER FUCKER" (she hits kennys dad in the head)

Cartman: "Now the first thing to do in domestic disturbances like this one is to just calm everybody down................RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH!!!!!"

*chicken lover episode of south park where cartman is a cop*

"Oh man, I shot Marvin in the face"

This is a quote from "Pulp Fiction", I just think it's a funny reaction to have considering the situation.

From scary movie 4, which may i add IS A SHIT FILM ( scary movie 1 and 2 are awesome) but its got some funny quotes.

- and then i saw a horrible face!

-did it have a nose?

-yes

-and eyes?

-yup

-your right, that does sound like a face

Scary movie 2

Ghost Voice: Cindy! I want you to know to what happened to me... Look in the music room! Check the music room!
Cindy Campbell: Where are you?
Ghost Voice: Check the fucking music room!


Cindy Campbell: Brenda! The monster is gonna kill us!
Brenda Meeks: IT WOULD HAVE JUST BEEN YOU IF YOU HAD JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!

SPOT RESERVED FOR MORE SOUTH PARK QUOTES AS SOON AS I CAN REMEMBER THEM
:roll:

all we have to do to look for comedy gold. is look to our good friend mike tyson.

“[He] called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a recluse.”

"I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him [Lennox Lewis]. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children."

After biting Holyfield he said, "This is my career. I have children to raise. I have to retaliate. He butted me. Look at me. My kids will be scared of me."

Tyson on Tyrell Biggs' complaining to him about low blows "Low blows? Low blows? Huh! Motherf**ker you're fittin' to die!"

"He was screaming like my wife."

"I paid a worker at New York's zoo to re-open it just for me and Robin. When we got to the gorilla cage there was 1 big silverback gorilla there just bullying all the other gorillas. They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the attendant $10,000 to open the cage and let smash that silverback's snotbox! He declined."

"One morning I woke up and found my favorite pigeon, Julius, had died I was devastated and was gonna use his crate as my stickball bat to honor him. I left the crate on my stoop and went in to get something and I returned to see the sanitation man put the crate into the crusher. I rushed him and caught him flush on the temple with a titanic right hand he was out cold, convulsing on the floor like a infantile retard."

there's simply wayyyy to many tyson quotes. to copy & paste. so i'll vid link ya.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=f6cFxWgLqHA

Ron Burgundy
I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.

People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl "Mom."
- Randal (Clerks)

Wayne Campbell: I once thought I had mono for an entire year. It turned out I was just really bored.


Honey Horne: So, would you like to have dinner one night?
Garth: Oh, I like to have dinner every night.

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Honey Horne: I bet you like to be in control...
Garth: Yes, like when I was 17, my sister wanted to loan my Def Leppard. I said "No way!".

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Honey Horne: I'm goning to be frank.
Garth: OK. Can I still be Garth?

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Honey Horne: Take me, Garth!
Garth: Where? I'm low on gas and you need a jacket.

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Originally Posted by badassbob

"Oh man, I shot Marvin in the face"

This is a quote from "Pulp Fiction", I just think it's a funny reaction to have considering the situation.
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Speaking about Pulp Fiction....
When that guy is talking and making up excuses and all that, and Samuel just shot. Then says "Oh sorry, did I break your concentration?". I lolled hard.

... Is our children learning?

shes a whitch burn her.
no there are ways of tellin if she is a witch.
like wat.
what else burns
wood
good so witchs are made out of...
wood
right and what else floats?
a duck
right so if she ways the same as a duck shes a witch
A WITCH!

monty python and the holy grail

Quote:

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Originally Posted by trogdor1134

shes a whitch burn her.
no there are ways of tellin if she is a witch.
like wat.
what else burns
wood
good so witchs are made out of...
wood
right and what else floats?
a duck
right so if she ways the same as a duck shes a witch
A WITCH!

monty python and the holy grail
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So if she ways.. It took me 4 rereads to understand that. You might.. might, want to work on some spelling/punctuation here >___>

WEIGHS.

More Monty Python and the Holy Grail:

*Scene where Galahad is "rescued" by Lancelot from women demanding spankings*
Sir Lancelot: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Sir Galahad: I don't think I was.
Sir Lancelot: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Sir Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Sir Lancelot: No, it's too perilous.
Sir Galahad: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
Sir Lancelot: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.
Sir Galahad: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
Sir Lancelot: No. It's unhealthy.
Sir Galahad: I bet you're gay.
Sir Lancelot: Am not.

*Scene after Lancelot's killing spree through swamp castle*
King of Swamp Castle: You only killed the bride's father, you know.
Sir Lancelot: Well, I didn't mean to.
King of Swamp Castle: Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head.
Sir Lancelot: Oh dear... is he all right?

lmao

man 1: ni
woman: no no shrubs
man 2: nu
man 1: no its ni your not doing it properly. ni
man 2: nu
man 1: no no ni
man 2: ni
man 1: thats it thats it u got it
man 1 and 2 together: ni ni ni ni
man 3: are you saying ni to that old woman?
man 1: um? yes
man 3: aw what sad times are these that passing rufians can say "ni" at will to old ladies

lmao monty python again

Kung Pow....

..... just about every one one of those quotes is a one-liner.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TweaK

Speaking about Pulp Fiction....
When that guy is talking and making up excuses and all that, and Samuel just shot. Then says "Oh sorry, did I break your concentration?". I lolled hard.
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That's one of my favorite quotes ever. :cooler:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Neruo

... Is our children learning?
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haha a classic Bushism

some more:

"It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then."
—From a 1994 interview, as quoted in First Son, by Bill Minutaglio

"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"
—Concord, N.H., Jan. 29, 2000

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."
—Pella, Iowa, as quoted by the San Antonio Express-News, Jan. 30, 2000

"Actually, I—this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about—when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me."
—Ibid.

I read some where that Arnold Swartzenegger said some thing like this:
"money doesn't make you happy, I have $65m and I'm as happy as I was with $63m."

"People think we make £3 million and £4 million a year. They don't realize that most of us only make £500,000." Some athlete.

Looooooool at both quotes. That's funny. XD

Quotes you'll never hear in a Bond film:

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Ingenius Q! It's a bomb, but also a rucksack![/b]

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My name is Bond, Mohammed Bond.[/b]

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Oh, what a lovely present James, Chlamydia![/b]

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Here's your new car Bond, a Ford Focus.[/b]

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Oh James, is it meant to be this soft?[/b]

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We'd better slow down, there are speed cameras.[/b]

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I hope you're not one of those Russian agents whose name is a blatant sexual pun, Miss Suckmeoff.[/b]

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