Thread: Adult Joke

That's great

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The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

Originally Posted by ninja9578

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

Originally Posted by ninja9578

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

LMAO!!

A man wins the lottery and decides that he'd like to spend the money on a brand new Harley Davidson. When he bought the bike, the owner of the bike shop said that to keep the bike protected, he should coat the bike in Vaseline every time it began to rain. So the man buys some Vaseline from his local supermarket. That night, the man was supposed to visit her girlfriends house and meet her parents.

When the man arrives, his girlfriend explains to him that there is a rule that during dinner, if you talk, you have to wash the pots. When dinner begins, the man decides to take advantage of this rule, and while her parents are eating, he gropes his girlfriends tits. No response from the parents, as they did not want to talk.

The man, taking it a little further, grabs his girlfriend, and starts to have sex with her on the table. Still no response from the parents. The man, astounded, then turned onto his girlfriends mum. Still no response from anyone. The man looked outside, and could see that it was raining, onto his Harley. Worried, the man quickly takes the Vaseline out of his pocket.

The father gets up immediately, and shouts, 'Okay, Okay, I'll do the fucking pots!'

.

There was once a hippy who made it his mission to have sex with as many people as possible. One day he was on a bus and eyed a nun and figured it would be a good challenge so he approached her, but was quickly turned down.

The bus driver saw this and as the hippy was getting off the bus he told him that the nun goes behind the church every night and prays to see god so he should go there at 11 and pretend to be god.

That night he threw a sheet over his head and went to the church where he saw the nun praying. He came up to her and proposed his sexual exploit to her. She agreed, but asked that he do it anally to preserve her virginity.

The hippy finished having sex with her, threw off the sheet and said "haha, I'm the hippy." The nun threw off her cloak and said "haha, I'm the bus driver."

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That made me laugh so hard..

Goodness. That was adult.

Originally Posted by ninja9578

There was once a hippy <SNIP>The nun threw off her cloak and said "haha, I'm the bus driver."

BWAAAHAHAHAHAHA! Like it.. like it..

An american dies and ends up at the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter asks him: "Where are you from?", to which the american replies:

"Ah'm from the good ole US of A!"

"Well.. you can just F**K right off!" replies St. Peter.

"Huh?" replies the bemused american. "Why is that?"

And St. Peter replies: "I'm not making grits for one!"

A woman dies and goes to heaven.

She stands before the gate and st. peter says "to enter heaven you need do one thing."

"What's that?" She says.

"Spell one word." He says. "Love."

"L O V E."

A few years after entering heaven she is walking past the gates again and she sees Peter. Peter asks the young woman to take his place and admit new people for a while he has things to do. While she is there she sees her husband.

"Wow what happened how did you die?" She says.

"Well, after you died I got insurance money, and then won the lottery. My second wife loved to water ski so we bought a house with our own private lake. We were water skiing when I slipped and cracked my head."

"Oh!" She says. "To enter heaven all you have to do is spell a word.

"What word?"

"checkoslovakia...Burn in hell bitch."

This joke was formed before slovikia and the Check republic split up.

Originally Posted by Sandform

A woman dies and goes to heaven.

She stands before the gate and st. peter says "to enter heaven you need do one thing."

"What's that?" She says.

"Spell one word." He says. "Love."

"L O V E."

A few years after entering heaven she is walking past the gates again and she sees Peter. Peter asks the young woman to take his place and admit new people for a while he has things to do. While she is there she sees her husband.

"Wow what happened how did you die?" She says.

"Well, after you died I got insurance money, and then won the lottery. My second wife loved to water ski so we bought a house with our own private lake. We were water skiing when I slipped and cracked my head."

"Oh!" She says. "To enter heaven all you have to do is spell a word.

"What word?"

"checkoslovakia...Burn in hell bitch."

This joke was formed before slovikia and the Check republic split up.

Not funny. At all.

Originally Posted by Sandform

A woman dies and goes to heaven.

She stands before the gate and st. peter says "to enter heaven you need do one thing."

"What's that?" She says.

"Spell one word." He says. "Love."

"L O V E."

A few years after entering heaven she is walking past the gates again and she sees Peter. Peter asks the young woman to take his place and admit new people for a while he has things to do. While she is there she sees her husband.

"Wow what happened how did you die?" She says.

"Well, after you died I got insurance money, and then won the lottery. My second wife loved to water ski so we bought a house with our own private lake. We were water skiing when I slipped and cracked my head."

"Oh!" She says. "To enter heaven all you have to do is spell a word.

"What word?"

"checkoslovakia...Burn in hell bitch."

This joke was formed before slovikia and the Check republic split up.

;_;

HAHAHA Everlong, I love that one, I'm going to send that to my hubby!

Originally Posted by Serendipity

HAHAHA Everlong, I love that one, I'm going to send that to my hubby!

When you're done with your hubby, give me a call.

I told him the joke and he didn't even crack a smile. SOME PEOPLE!!

Originally Posted by Serendipity

I told him the joke and he didn't even crack a smile. SOME PEOPLE!!

Yeh, that always seems to be the problem, half of the people you tell the joke either don't get it or just don't think it is funny. WARNING: Do not tell the Vaseline joke to a chick you are trying to impress...

Here's another one, (slightly more explicit and disgusting) - Don't say I didn't warn you...

Three men are in the middle of the Australian Simpson Desert. These men had been lost for days on end, and now hunger and thirst was really beginning to have its effect.

'I can't take it anymore! I need water!' says one of the men.

'Just wait a f**king moment! Is that a house?' says another one of the men.

'By God! It is!' said the last man.

As the men approached the house, they came across a very crudely drawn sign. The sign said, 'Inhabited by the ugliest chick in Australia. Enter with caution.'

'That doesn't scare me!' says the first man, as he runs off towards the house. The man knocks on the door of the house. The house was answered by an old woman of 75, and she was so ugly, the man couldn't stand her that he hollered and threw up all over the woman.

The first man came running back in disgust, yelling, 'I'm not going in there!'

The second man, who thought he was braver, ran to the house and knocked on the door. Once again the door was answered by the ugly woman. Holding it in, the man stuttered, 'C-c-can I h-have s-s-some w-ater?'

The woman said, 'Yes, but only if you have sex with me.'

The second man barfed, and ran for his life.

The third man, braver than all of the men, walked towards the house and knocked on the door. The same question was asked. The same answer was given. But this time, the man agreed. The man was taken into the womans house, where she promptly showed him a table and said, 'Do me here.'

The man, spotting three pieces of fresh corn on a cob on the kitchen bench, said, 'Okay, but close your eyes.' The woman does what she is told. The man grabs the first piece of corn and -well you know what happens. After that, the woman said, 'That felt sooo good! I'll give you a million dollars if you do that again!'

The man agrees, throws the first piece of corn out of the window and does the same thing with the second piece of corn. The woman, wanting more, said, 'If you do that one more time, I will give you a Jeep to get out of the desert.'

The man agrees, throws the second piece of corn out the window as well, and then uses the third piece of corn. After that, the woman said, 'Thankyou so much, I needed that! The water, million dollars and the Jeep are all waiting outside the house. The man throws the last piece of corn out the window, and walks outside.

As the man walks outside, the two other men come running towards him excited. The first man yells, 'You don't know what you just missed mate! We just had the best three pieces of buttered corn you could imagine!'

Hopefully not too rude...

I knew the punchline as soon as you said he threw the corn out the window.

Sorta does give it away, but without that, the punchline doesn't exist, unless the men were somehow in the house.

Originally Posted by Everlong

Sorta does give it away, but without that, the punchline doesn't exist, unless the men were somehow in the house.

Haha, I still laughed anyway. Good one.