Is there a thread for ranting?

**Zhaylin** · 02-04-2009 08:24 PM

I am SO freaggin mad I can hardly see straight, and forget about appetite. I've not eaten anything of substance for almost 24 hours and I was going to go get a bite to eat, but I had to make some phone calls first.
Big mistake that!
I called my former case worker to go over two things she told the psychologist during my stupid psychological/parenting test I took that were inaccurate. I know how to talk to people. I kept the conversation non-judgmental. I said: "they were misunderstandings" and the likes.

I could hear her rolling her eyes because of the exasperated breaths she took. How dare she try to patronize me?! Who the heck does she think she is?!
But, the conversation was still beneficial because she's calling the psychologist to let him know he misunderstood about a point. But it was also raised in the results that I abandoned my kids in 2007 which NEVER happened. I made arrangements with my MOTHER before I left and she was watching BEFORE I left on a trip. I wouldn't put it past the case worker to have fabricated that conversation with my mother (who supposedly told her I abandoned them), but if not.... ???!!! Why the heck would my mother lie?! Why the heck would she try to sabbotoge me?! You better believe I'll be calling mommy-dearest later tonight to get her side of the story, but there may be hell to pay. And she wonders why I'm not close to my family? My family stabs me in the back every chance they get.
Don't get me wrong, I love my family. But that doesn't mean I want to be near them.

And now I have to call my basically apathetic lawyer.
The Case Worker said I didn't try calling her for 4 days after my kids were taken. I tried calling her as soon as I woke up the next day. Through searching my cell phone's call log, I now have proof of that.
They say my children weren't living at our "Farm". But it occurred to me the other day that the matter would be quickly solved by contacted the bus garage and asking for the address my kids were picked up and dropped off at.
Why didn't my lawyer consider those things?
And now everyone tells me: "That doesn't even matter anymore." When my kids lawyer throws it out there every chance he gets.
I wont be called a liar. Even if it wont help my case, I at least want my name cleared and the truth accepted.

And the Former Case Worker is so negligent that she didn't even pass on my test findings to the new case worker who was in court yesterday and told the judge I had to reschedule because I missed it!!!

And my hubby's being a jerk. He's an absolute genius so WHY can't he understand the reason I have to pay child support?! No, he never adopted my kids. No, I have no income of my own. But he married me and most people look at that as if his money is my money. And if I didn't have any income at all, I'd have to find a job. I accept that. I understand. But I still have my $200. a week allowance from him, so I use that.
My only gripe about child support is that I (though having no income of my own) am required to pay more than my ex-husband (who has always been employed).

Forget it all. I'm going back to sleep.
Maybe when I wake up I'll find this was nothing but a nightmare (yeah, right).

**Zhaylin** · 02-04-2009 08:49 PM

What do you think? I'm hoping she takes the bait and admits we made plans before hand cause then I'll copy the sucker off and take it to court with me.

"I spoke with Alison [the former Case Worker] earlier about some things she told the psychologist when I had to go in for that test. I wouldn't put it past her to have misunderstood things, so I thought I should ask you.
She claims that you said I abandoned the kids back in 2007.
You and I both know that never happened. In 2007 Harold watched the kids when we went to Hawaii. And if she meant 2008, you and I made plans for you to come up and watch the kids before I ever left. In fact, we talked at the modular before Jerry and I went on our trip (that was the trip when the furnace died and you and the kids stayed with Debby).
So I'm really confused about what she's talking about.

In other news, the new case worker is talking about perhaps having Ray come down to stay with y'all so long as you pass the inspection. Did you ever hear anything more on that?
As it is, Myles is going to be evaluated at White Oaks on around the 27th of this month and this Friday Ray is moving in with a Foster family in Weston. But he still wants to go to Florida.
Have you heard anymore from Buddy? He somehow weazled his way out of abandonment charges. Probably by claiming he didn't know where they were, even though I have a letter from him that was mailed to this address.
I've also found a way to prove we really were living at the Farm. I just need to get ahold of the bus garage and get a copy of the information about where the kids were to be picked up from and dropped off at.

How is everyone doing? Is Kaleigh doing better? Is she growing much?

Talk to you later,
Tell everyone hi and love them.
Love,
April"

And now I think I can eat something.

**Catbus** · 02-04-2009 09:15 PM

I may sound like a moron, but what's a case worker?

**Zhaylin** · 02-04-2009 09:44 PM

In my case, it's the Department of Health and Human Resources (DHHR).
I left my 16 1/2 year old son in charge of his two younger siblings while I went out of state with my hubby on a business trip. My youngest daughter stayed with a friend and the friends mom was going to check in on my crew every day.
I gave the school my emergency contact number and they called the DHHR as soon as I left the office. We were gone only a couple hours before they picked up all of my kids and placed them into Foster Care. The case was made worse because the kids trashed the house during the day they were there. It wasn't their residence but I wanted them to stay there because it was closer to town if there was an emergency. (We had lived there, but the kids trashed it so much and I was too overwhelmed to clean and fix it up that we moved to our country home during last summer).
I made a terrible judgment call and I'm now in the process of trying to get my kids back (I should get them back in a few months after I take some parenting classes).
The Case Worker is supposed to assist families in reuniting when possible. Our former case worker was a liar or horribly mislead/mistaken about certain things and only made things worse.
Hopefully, we'll have more success with the new one.

IZ · 02-04-2009 10:42 PM

**Catbus** · 02-04-2009 10:46 PM

Oh, well best of luck. That sounds like a horrible situation.

**magical mike** · 02-04-2009 10:48 PM

Why the heck would my mother lie?! Why the heck would she try to sabbotoge me?!

I dint read everything just the first post, and some of the second.
But to answer your question, Probably to get your kids?
Bcause my mom did the same thing to my older sister and her kids, but she said she never took care of them.

**Zhaylin** · 02-05-2009 12:14 AM

Originally Posted by magical mike

But to answer your question, Probably to get your kids?

I guess that is very possible.

Bcause my mom did the same thing to my older sister and her kids, but she said she never took care of them.

That was downright mean. Did your sister ever get her back?

Thanks for the well wishes Catbus!
lol with the icon, IZ It made me smile

**Carôusoul** · 02-05-2009 12:20 AM

Ranting thread:

http://www.dreamviews.com/community/...ranting+thread

**Zhaylin** · 02-05-2009 01:20 AM

WOOT! Thanks for the link. I shall take my whining there from here on out

**magical mike** · 02-05-2009 04:14 AM

No, she just left, and left mom out of her life.

**Zhaylin** · 02-10-2009 12:07 AM

Originally Posted by magical mike

No, she just left, and left mom out of her life.

That sucks, but I'm starting to think more and more about doing the same.
My mother isn't falling for my trap. My 16 year old was just moved into a Foster Home (instead of the shelter he's been at since last November) and he emailed me and told me my mother is stirring up even more crap and spreading more lies. She told my half-sister that I was giving cigarettes to my 16 year old.
First of all, how the hell would she know? I live in West Virginia and she lives in Florida. We speak maybe a few times a year and I don't tell her anything that would be a secret.
Secondly, it's absolutely NOT true. I just did start smoking again (Last April 28th) and money is tight. I couldn't AFFORD to support 2 smokers. PLUS, he's underage and doesn't need this habit. He asked me to hide a lighter for him outside the shelter and I wouldn't even do that. He needs to stay out of trouble!

And NOW my husband is under investigation for "molesting" (?) my 12 year old daughter. In each case mentioned, both of them were fully clothed so how the hell can it be molesting first and foremost? At 12, she's simply self-conscious about her body and her personal space. But when hubby lets her drive the 4-wheeler, with him behind her, where is he supposed to put his hands but around her chest (just as she does to him when he's driving). I have NO doubt that my sister and her hubby are trying to plant ideas into her head. I wouldn't put it past my mother to reward her for lying.
I'm coming to despise my family.

**Zhaylin** · 02-11-2009 06:02 AM

Mom finally emailed me and I have her on email denying she ever said the things the Case Worker said she had.
:woot:
That is something I'm definitely happy about today!

**Zhaylin** · 02-25-2009 09:48 AM

Today is going to be a very bad day. My rage is already building and my anxiety is through the roof... how will I ever make it through Court today?

One of the conditions to be brought up tomorrow for me to get my kids back is that my husband is to have no contact with my children.
How DARE they?! It seems presumptuous of the court to even suggest such a thing.
But I guess I should give a bit of a back story.

My oldest daughter doesn't like my husband for two reasons: One, is that is she very developed for her age and my husband told her her boobs were falling out of her shirt and she should change. Somehow, she connected that to him hitting on her. The other, unrelated, months separated event was my own stupidity. She answered the phone and hubby asked me: "Who answered with the sexy voice." I thought it was funny and told her. He thought one of my friends was visiting and was merely teasing. So she tells everyone he's a "dirty old man". I asked her if I was a "dirty old woman" because I tell her her boobs are falling out all the time and explained it's a parents job to make sure their kid dresses appropriately. But my family hates my husband and who knows how they're encouraging her mindset.

The second incident involves my 12 year old daughter- the only one of my children who WANTS and TRIES to spend time with my husband. With my encouraging, he started taking her for rides on the 4-wheeler and eventually she wanted to try to drive it. He sat behind her. And he held on to her the same way she held on to him while riding, by putting his arms around her chest. But she's at that self-conscious age. I asked her in a non-confrontational manner exactly what had happened when issues started coming out. NOTHING inappropriate occured.
I was molested as a teen and I KNOW what it's like for people not to believe you. If there was ANY truth behind any concerns regarding my kids and my hubby, I would leave him without hesitation.

I had to speak to the police about this a month ago. Nothing has come of it. No charges are being pursued as far as I'm aware, so I repeat: "How DARE the Court" try to dictate my family arrangement?!

And because they're playing such hard-ball, hubby is wanting to play likewise. Tonight was the first time he's ever mentioned divorcing me. Not for the purpose of ending our relationship though but so the court will have to start paying for our support. He's given me homestead rights to the Farm.

And excuse my language but I am thoroughly PISSED!

And now I'm hungry lol Being this mad always makes me crave red meat

**Mes Tarrant** · 02-25-2009 10:18 AM

Um wow.

I understand what you're saying, but it strikes me as odd that both of your daughters have expressed similar concerns. Sounds like you are just brushing them off.

**Zhaylin** · 02-25-2009 11:27 AM

Thanks. But I'm definately NOT brushing them off. The incidents with my oldest daughter were about 3 years ago and she has since come to understand what was really going on better.
What happened with my youngest was back this past November-ish. They were always in view and until the day they were taken she asked if she could spend time with my hubby. And I told the cop exactly that- if she was groped she would try to avoid him

My family is very... malicious. They speak behind my back and put my hubby and I down all the time and THEY call hubby a dirty old man. I KNOW they're influencing my kids in that aspect for the worse.
Which makes me even more angry and frustrated.
I could rant for hours about my family lol.

Plus, there's something wrong with my moms mind. She's been CONVINCED I was molested by my step-father. She tells me to 'tell her the truth' almost every year since I was 14 (I'm now 34). It was my uncle. She's stayed married to him though despite her doubts which sort of disturbs me. Now she seems to view almost all men as molestors.

I wish my family wouldn't project their own issues onto my life or my kids life, but it can't be helped at this time.

**Kiza** · 02-25-2009 11:29 AM

Cut them. Cut them all.

**Zhaylin** · 02-25-2009 11:51 AM

If only. But I am loyal to a fault. They are family. But I have as little to do with them as possible lol

**Zhaylin** · 02-25-2009 05:08 PM

Well, that was a complete waste of time. The State said they were NOT negotiating on my hubby having absolutely zero contact with my kids. I said I will fight them on that. It's impractical. I'm living on HIS property for one thing. For another, we live out in the middle of nowhere. I have no friends or family nearby. If one of my kids got sick or injured then, and my car broke down, I guess the Court would sooner have my children die than have him take us to the hospital.
But basically, it comes down to: We wont live together as one big happy family like they want so they're making life as difficult as possible.
Fine. I'll go ahead and divorce my hubby and become a welfare bum (needing welfare doesn't make one a welfare bum- but abusing the system so you don't have to work and have the State support you might IMO). We have a prenumptial in effect, so I will walk out of the marriage with absolutely nothing. No money, no vehicle, no valuable possessions, no job experience.
But hey, I guess that's what they really want after all.

I took half a vallium and half an inderall before going to the meeting so I am thankfully relatively calm about the whole thing- though I did want to rip out my kids lawyer tongue a couple times.

But even still, my blood pressure is 135/98 with a resting pulse of 107. I'd hate to see what it would have been if I hadn't drugged myself.

Needless to say, my post adjudacory (sp!!) out of home evaluation period has been postponed for another month.

I'm seriously thinking of packing a hobo bag, walking out the door and never coming back. It's probably best for everyone. And if I did leave, no one would ever be able to find me. There are deep mountain ranges in these parts and I know how to survive off the land. It is VERY tempting.
But........... abandonment is contrary to the core of my being, so I am stuck for now.

**Zhaylin** · 03-11-2009 01:05 AM

I have another MDT meeting tomorrow at 9:30 and I am dreading it because- low and behold, I get a phone call TODAY saying my lawyer will not be present at it... which means I shall have to fend off the wolves alone yet again.

I've decided to go along with their requests. If it breaks up my marriage, the State can support me. I'm almost apathetic at this point.

A doctor for my son Myles came out to see me today and that went well enough, but she woke me up and the RV was messy because I thought I wasn't meeting with her until tomorrow afternoon (I got my dates mixed up).

I have a killer headache and still no appetite, but I made myself eat thinking it may help my head. It did for awhile, but now it's back- at the back/bottom of my head and behind my eyes mostly. I just returned from Wendy's with a large coke, large fry and a side salad. If it does nothing, then valium and sleep will be the only thing to get rid of it.

I'm neglecting my emails. I need to reply to some people but I lack the emotional fortitude. I still want to run away.
I worked on my scarification tattoo some but other than that, I'm doing well enough though negativity is starting to force its way into my thoughts. I'm vegging a great deal to avoid thinking and feeling lol

*blah*

**Zhaylin** · 03-11-2009 04:25 PM

Today was a grade "A" nightmare and I am now in a very bad emotional place. I'm too numb to physically beat myself up, but I did chop several inches from my hair.
Though suicide did briefly pass through my mind, I am not suicidal. I am done. I have reached my emotional limit and if anything topples me within the next couple of days, I WILL run away.
If I disappear from DV for awhile, don't worry. I'm okay, just roughing it in the mountains to ground myself some. There are MANY things to consider though. If I fall far enough, I wont ever come back home- but I'll stay in touch with my kids. All they need is to feel completely abandoned by me.
But I cannot compete with habitual liars and manipulators. My kids are young and can be excused for the most part. But now my "family" and ex-husband are adding fuel to the fire. He didn't know where his fracking kids were? Bull!!! His last letter was to THIS address in 2000/2001. We didn't move until last summer and even then I keep the mailbox here active.
I'm sick of being everyone's fracking doormat.

I did yell at the meeting today. My kids lawyer threw his hands in the air and exclaimed: 'I can't reason with her!' I laughed and told him 'I feel just as frustrated about you so I guess we're even on this one.'

And my fracking lawyer wasn't there AGAIN!!!!!!
I told them I agree to all their terms and conditions.

I was so upset I felt like puking and almost did a couple of times.

The legal system is a complete joke.
I just can't take it anymore.

**Zhaylin** · 03-23-2009 06:52 PM

And here I was worried about my kids' lawyer being a pain in my arse (as complained about in another thread).
But MY lawyer is the biggest pain of all. Today was an actual COURT date, before the judge and everything and guess what.............................................. ....................

He wasn't there AGAIN. But at least this time he sent someone to the Courthouse to tell me what was going on (barely). My hubby gave his lawyer permission to advise me and speak for me if necessary a few weeks ago. Hubby's lawyer actually told me more about what was going on- the State and my lawyer have been negotiating terms. I asked him if I should fire my lawyer and represent myself because at this point I feel completely strongarmed by the system and as if I have no options other than to agree to all their terms and conditions. He told me that's one of the things my lawyer and the State were working on. He said what was going on was total nonsense and that my hubby may be permitted supervised visits with my kids.

I just want this over with. My kids all want to come home desperately and even though I still feel- deep down inside- that they are MUCH better off without me, their emotions and emotional developement would be greatly hindered if I didn't fight to get them home as fast as possible.
So we went into the chamber- me, alone among the judge, 2 DHHR officials, my hubby's lawyer, my ex-hubby's lawyer, my kids' lawyer, my lawyers stand-in and a few assistants. No wonder my anxiety always spikes before these things lol. Me- an uneducated, undisciplined ruffian among giants of men. Ihate this SO much.

But, at least the next meeting is next Friday... which may also get me out of taking a weekend auction trip with my hubby, which is oddly a plus. I love spending time with my hubby. I rarely see him at all and when I get the kids back we'll never see each other again (exaggerated but not by much).
Ijust feel so thoroughly stupid, humiliated, ANGRY and anti-social that even posting on this forum is hard. I want to crawl into a hole and disappear. Just wake me when all this chaos has passed.

But I walked in among those giants with my head held high and a polite smile in greeting to those in the room. No matter how badly I want to bash some heads......... I was completely composed and for that I am proud of myself. But I was only with them for about 10 minutes lol. Who knows how it could have turned out

I even put on makeup today.

Oh yeah, I mentioned last time that I had butchered my hair but I had actually done no such thing. I don't know why I'm this way- it completely baffles me- but when I am in total shut down/about to go crazy mode, I want to shave my head bald. But my hubby would totally flip out and it's not socially acceptable, so I pull my hair back into a pony tail and chop off the excess instead. After that, I go to Wal-mart and have them even it up

But at my last posting, I hung my head upside down and cut off a couple inches and my hair actually looks nice. It even comes down to just past my shoulders instead of above my ears as usually happens.

**Zhaylin** · 08-21-2009 08:23 PM

I am in need of some SERIOUS ranting.
I went to register my daughters for school today. I walked in, went to the front desk in the Office and simply said: "I need to register my daughters for school. They've gone here before but were transfered to another school last year."
The Secretary then disappeared into another room for a few minutes and came back to ask: "Do you have custody of them?"
To which I replied, "Yes."
Then she went on to say they'd "need proof of that... because... well, because of everything......"
I smiled and said certainly then left the building with swear words rolling off my tongue. And words I never say, I might add.

I'm not a person prone to bouts of paranoia but frack me! She didn't ask MY name nor my daughters NAMES, which tells me all too clearly that our small town is much smaller than I ever imagined. Our community will never mind their own fracking business so, I called the Case Worker (got her answering machine) and asked her for info about homeschooling.
If I can't homeschool my crew, I think I'm going to leave them where they're fracking at. I'll be absolutely DAMNED if I put myself or them through this ordeal ever a-fracking-again!
I'll jump off a freagin bridge before that ever even comes close to happening again.

I saw my pdoc before trying to register them... with my current mood, I wish I had waited. I could use his listening ear right now.
I'm actually thinking about asking hubby to buy us another home in another town (hell, another freagin state!)....

I truly loathe small town biddies who have nothing better to do than gossip about the local doctor and his messed up family and make our lives hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Zhaylin** · 08-22-2009 05:12 AM

To reply to Taosaur in case he stumbles into this thread... I am also on "the outs" with God right now.
In February 2008, I was officially disfellowshipped from my congregation because I couldn't keep my house clean. Though I was improving, the congregation was forced to take that action because of similar small town biddies whom I still have trouble with. My actions and inactions were affecting the reputation of the congregation as a whole.
A month or so later my sister shows up and tells me my parents are about to call the State on me and that she would take the kids so I could get the house in order. She was supposed to have them until the Summer.
They got fed up with the kids and sent half of them back 2 months later.

We then moved to the Farm for a fresh start when I made some poor judgment calls and all my recent crap started.
I have remained out of God's favor for nearly 2 years and it's killing me.
Last April- or was it the April before that, time is such a blur now-a-days... I started smoking again. It was April 2008.
I will remain separated from God until 1) I get my kids back 2) I stop smoking 3) I become reinstated to my congregation.

It's pointless for people to debate matters of theocracy with me. I've searched long and hard and know I am where I'm supposed to be spiritually speaking. The rest is up to me.
I've been so depressed and anxious for so long, though, I've become rather jaded.
But I'm still hopelessly optimistic at heart. I KNOW I'll regain my spiritual ground if I live long enough.
I just wish I wasn't hit by so many things all at one time. Not having my friends to talk to and turn to for support has been most unbearable (when one of Jehovah's Witnesses are disfellowshipped they are no longer permitted to speak to other congregation members on a social level).