Thread: bipolar is a bitch?

I think you need a beer .

noooo~ ;;

I been drinking too much. I was drunk pretty much all last week,
AND took several oxys. or maybe that was the week before?

...SEE?
a glass of merlot does sound very nice...but I shouldn't.

I just need to get this out of my system, need open ears...or...eyes? (whatev.) thought my friends here at dreamviews might be the ones.

(............... :\)

I just want to know if anyone here knows what this is like. surely there must be at least one other bipolar, frequent poster or at least someone who's experienced racing thoughts before.

Start a stream of consciousness weblog.

I'd read it.

oh I knew someone would say that. sorREE for posting a 'journal entry' here.

I've got a journal, I use it, but I put this here because I'm temporarily freaking out and I was hoping to talk to people I know. the post does have a point, I'm asking, basically, have you ever felt quite like this? I'd just like to find someone I can relate to. I can't do that in a journal.

despite the tone none of that was meant to be rude. I promise. :(

[edit] I'm sorry, I believe I misinterpreted your comment, Xaq. I took it as, "what is this doing here, go write in your journal and keep your shit out of the forum." ?

Do you think writing about your thoughts could help you though? Maybe it could offer some type of release, in a sense. Relocating this torrent of concepts and ideas from your mind to paper, and then paper to trashcan, maybe.

I have *some* idea what you're talking about. I experienced bipolar-type cycling in high school and college to the extent that I certainly could have been diagnosed with something, but not of the severity that you're describing and that I've read in other accounts of bipolar disorder. My upswings would probably have been characterized as hypomanic: staying up a couple days at a time for weeks on end, jumping from one activity to another on impulse, seeing connections everywhere sometimes to the point of near-hallucination. Honestly, except for the inevitable depression and the way I'd sometimes rattle something off at someone and they'd just...back away...it was kind of awesome . The depressions were more severe than the mania, but still not on par with the worst cases of clinical depression I've read and heard about.

Fortunately, that was around the same time I took up meditation, and as kind of a side effect I learned to recognize the early signs of mania coming on and smooth it out before it got rolling. With me it would be a gradual build over a day or two or three, and if I caught/catch it in that window, I could let it go and kind of short circuit the cycle. My first couple times cycling, I would actually encourage the build-up, not having firmly made the connection: mania-->depression. Eventually there were enough out-of-control incidents both when depressed and when manic that I was convinced it was a bad thing

I'm not saying that my methods would be at all effective for more severe symptoms, just that's how it went for me. A lot of people have a 'dormant' period in their 20s, but I'm already pretty well past the time when I would be due for a relapse.

All that said, your reaction to events is not totally overblown; that series of "little things" would have been plenty to push me up to the brink of an episode a few years back.

Originally Posted by nerve

tornado never came, they were everywhere but
HERE where I wanted one to be. just because I craved excitement.
...
even though the sirens ran which was exhilarating.

We're probably a lot more alike than I had first suspected.

but I can't stop THINKING and it's extremely frustrating that I can't keep all my thoughts in my head.

And this too, except that I don't get the amnesia feeling when I "lose sight" of thoughts. Endless thinking is the reason I love the idea of sleep: not out of laziness, but because constant, endless thinking eventually makes me feel weary, and the idea of shutting down is always welcome. Except that your case is due to a lot of happenings around you, yea?

And you feel crazy, as in insane? I thought bipolar applied to emotional states.. Unless you feel angry as well. What prompted you to see a psychologist?

oh, I think this thread will be fun c:
(hopefully not just for me?)

first,

Originally Posted by Catbus

Do you think writing about your thoughts could help you though? Maybe it could offer some type of release, in a sense. Relocating this torrent of concepts and ideas from your mind to paper, and then paper to trashcan, maybe.

probably. I would write more, a hell of a lot more, if I had a computer at home. I don't like writing in paper journals, it's far too tedious. I'd like to know - is a blog better than something like livejournal? I have a LJ, but do you think a blog is better? I honestly don't know the difference.

Originally Posted by Taosaur

...I certainly could have been diagnosed with something, but not of the severity that you're describing...

you don't know the half of it :\

Originally Posted by Taosaur

...seeing connections everywhere sometimes to the point of near-hallucination.

oh god. THIS. I mean I have all the other stuff, but this just struck me...because I've never heard anyone say it before, I guess? this drives me nuts sometimes. I can't think of any good examples. I have gone through little periods where I think people can hear my thoughts (and are just acting like they can't, so they can use it against me). not really the same though...mm, do you have any examples of connections? I'm very interested.

...it was kind of awesome :paranoid:.

well, YES. aside from being exhausting, mania is like ecstasy sometimes. it's like frolicking through a wide field of flowers and each flower is a million-dollar idea. creativity erupts and flows all around you and through you. you can do anything, and you just know that you will. and I personally become far more articulate, as if all the bigger words that I know are locked in a vault and mania is the key. and, since vocabulary is to me what Jesus is to christians, you can imagine my delight. :)

The depressions were more severe than the mania, but still not on par with the worst cases of clinical depression I've read and heard about.

I think I'm the opposite. my depressions were bad, I'd sleep and sleep and not want to get up because I didn't see the point; and I'd constantly think about suicide (not consider, just contemplate). but, that's nothing compared to real depression, clinical depression. I've read about that too and it's far worse.

but my manias have always been insane. like, you wouldn't believe. I won't go into it too much (man do I have stories) but the worst one, I was actually psychotic. like, totally fucking out of touch with reality. it's a craaaaazy, long story, I thought I was god, I thought I was Satan, I actually told this cashier at a gas station that he was the "physical incarnation of the colour red." yes. needless to say, my family admitted me to the state hospital and I spent a month there. now, I -did- take some ecstasy just prior, but the thing is, I remained in a very high state (and kept getting higher and higher) for a full week after I'd taken the last pill (only took three, over three days). first they took me to the emergency room, they tested my blood and there was nothing in my system save for some marijuana (couldn't have been laced, my friend smoked the same stuff with me). so, what happened?

I don't think we got any clear answers from any of the professionals. I think all the ecstasy just triggered a huge mania to the point of psychosis.

n e way

All that said, your reaction to events is not totally overblown; that series of "little things" would have been plenty to push me up to the brink of an episode a few years back.

maybe, yes, but...it seems like my mania started several days ago, and has just built up and fucking EXPLODED ON ME today. I had a lot of stimulation a couple weeks ago, and nothing happened. although...I guess there wasn't quite so much going on then as now. hmm. I don't know, but thankfully I got a apt. soon.

I have no idea what's going on.

[re: meditation - I keep thinking I really need to try/get into it, but...I just don't. I feel too restless, I guess :\]

Originally Posted by Invader

We're probably a lot more alike than I had first suspected.

HA! that's awesome. you love the excitement of tornadoes/major storms, or something? I was just thinking I was manic, but now that I think about it, I'd probably be excited and happy about it anyway.. only most likely, not so hyper.

And this too, except that I don't get the amnesia feeling when I "lose sight" of thoughts. Endless thinking is the reason I love the idea of sleep: not out of laziness, but because constant, endless thinking eventually makes me feel weary, and the idea of shutting down is always welcome. Except that your case is due to a lot of happenings around you, yea?

I don't know. the medication I'm on (just lithium) should keep me stable. I was for awhile...I think it;s possible that I threw everything off, because a few weeks ago for a while I was missing doses. (supposed to take a certain amount twice daily, was only taking it once daily - may have missed a couple days altogether.) shit. that might be it.

I would say I feel you on the sleep thing, but for awhile when I was more stable, I was chilled out so I didn't have the racing thoughts. actually, I can't say I felt that way before either, because when I was manic I never wanted to sleep (I was even afraid to sleep sometimes, for no apparent reason...not nightmares, not scared I wouldn't wake up, just scared to sleep. +shrug+) and when I was depressed, I slept all the time, not because of racing thoughts but because I just wanted to sleep forever...

And you feel crazy, as in insane? I thought bipolar applied to emotional states.. Unless you feel angry as well.

no, crazy as in why the hell was my brain suddenly flooded with ideas that I can't contain (and losing even one causes me to drop into depression, and I'm lost and depressed until I either remember or something fun/interesting gets my attention)

[ok digression: you know those moments when you're (for ex.) having a conversation and gonna tell someone something, but somehow forget, and it's on the tip of your tongue and driving you crazy? imagine having that 50+ times a day, AND, each time you feel completely lost ("depressed amnesia feeling") when you lose a thought. every single time.]

and, my mood is fluctuating very fast, like from happy, to sad/lost, to ecstatic, to irritability (where I want to growl at people) all this in a matter of minutes. that's what I meant by crazy, yes, emotional, but like...it;s driving me crazy so I feel crazy :p

you know what I mean.

What prompted you to see a psychologist?

refer to the story above (where Taosaur says his depressions were worse than manias) :\

Originally Posted by nerve

[SIZE=1]HA! that's awesome. you love the excitement of tornadoes/major storms, or something? I was just thinking I was manic, but now that I think about it, I'd probably be excited and happy about it anyway.. only most likely, not so hyper.

Absolutely. Subtle earthquakes are the natural furies of this particular area (San Andreas fault line baby), and though I sure do get happy when they come around, I know it would be terrible to be crippled if a real douzie of an earthquake came around. There was a storm that came around for a weak, and on one night at 3AM lightning began to strike, multiple times a minute. I took a lawn chair up onto the roof of the three story apartment building and sat in the rain to watch the fun, which lasted a good half hour. It was like a light show orchestrated by the gods, green lightning nets that stretched across the clouds, and fat blue bolts that branched towards the ground, the deep rumbling, crackling noises ripping the air. Ahhhh... There's something wonderful about powerful natural events that can potentially kill or otherwise cause loads of destruction. They remind one of their mortality, and of the fact that they are alive, in the present. It's beautiful in that way.

So to reiterate my answer, yes.

I don't know. the medication I'm on (just lithium) should keep me stable. I was for awhile...I think it;s possible that I threw everything off, because a few weeks ago for a while I was missing doses. (supposed to take a certain amount twice daily, was only taking it once daily - may have missed a couple days altogether.) shit. that might be it.

Did you have to get on lithium because of the episode that landed you in the hospital, or was it something you overcame yourself? Also, do you think you can overcome your depression with out the drug? Something must be causing it. Brain chemicals, sure, but something else outside of yourself that may be leaving you with a lack of fulfillment or something or other. What do you think?

I would say I feel you on the sleep thing, but for awhile when I was more stable, I was chilled out so I didn't have the racing thoughts. actually, I can't say I felt that way before either, because when I was manic I never wanted to sleep (I was even afraid to sleep sometimes, for no apparent reason...not nightmares, not scared I wouldn't wake up, just scared to sleep. +shrug+) and when I was depressed, I slept all the time, not because of racing thoughts but because I just wanted to sleep forever...

I recall you've expressed this before, about wanting to go lights out forever. Do you feel that way now?

[ok digression: you know those moments when you're (for ex.) having a conversation and gonna tell someone something, but somehow forget, and it's on the tip of your tongue and driving you crazy? imagine having that 50+ times a day, AND, each time you feel completely lost ("depressed amnesia feeling") when you lose a thought. every single time.]

and, my mood is fluctuating very fast, like from happy, to sad/lost, to ecstatic, to irritability (where I want to growl at people) all this in a matter of minutes. that's what I meant by crazy, yes, emotional, but like...it;s driving me crazy so I feel crazy :p

you know what I mean.

I wonder if this is something that is completely beyond your control.. About your flipping mood, I mean. Can you, when feeling anger coming on, purposefully relax yourself and remain calm and not angry? You've also mentioned you haven't really gotten into meditation, and I'm interested in how practicing it would work for you as a means of examining yourself and bringing your emotions under your own willful control.

Originally Posted by nerve

[edit] I'm sorry, I believe I misinterpreted your comment, Xaq. I took it as, "what is this doing here, go write in your journal and keep your shit out of the forum." ?

Nope, I meant it would be a good thing to do. It might help you organize your thoughts and get your energy flowing more harmoniously.

Originally Posted by nerve

and I personally become far more articulate, as if all the bigger words that I know are locked in a vault and mania is the key. and, since vocabulary is to me what Jesus is to christians, you can imagine my delight.

I liked these words.

Originally Posted by Siиdяed

I liked these words.

I liked these words.

As far as seeing connections, the most intense was during and after a poetry class with an especially passionate professor(who later got dicked over, per the English dept.'s policy on good teachers ). The classroom was this echoey, whitewashed concrete bunker, and he's expounding on whatever poems with his words bouncing off the walls, and I'm looking around at my classmates, and BAM: total perceptual shift. Instead of individual people, I'm seeing shifting, interpenetrating streams and motes of information, meme-bodies, flowing, bouncing and drifting throughout the room. I wasn't receiving different visual information or laying different visuals over what I was seeing, but my boundaries had shifted so that the idea-complexes were the individuals and the humans were just conglomerations and waystations.

This vision persisted for the remainder of class, and I was incapable of speech. I think someone tried to talk to me as we were leaving, and I just shook my head and probably opened and closed my mouth like a fish, and walked out.

Outside, I had to cut across a tree-lined parking lot to get to my dorm, and it was a mostly clear, warm day with sun coming off the cars and shade dappling the lot, and I could see time. It was my first, but far from last experience of time as a spatial dimension. The cars, trees, buildings, sky all branched forward and rooted backward through time, the interlinking history and future of all their components plain as day, not as a process with beginning and end, but just as part of the object. Again, I wasn't seeing anything that wasn't there; my perceptual boundaries had just shifted radically, yielding new information.

Ya I know what your talking about. I'm also bipolar I haven't slept in about 2 days or somethin idk.

This thread made my head spin.

Originally Posted by Invader

Ahhhh... There's something wonderful about powerful natural events that can potentially kill or otherwise cause loads of destruction. They remind one of their mortality, and of the fact that they are alive, in the present. It's beautiful in that way.

well, I think we may differ a little on why; I feel like I'm already dead, and I feel my mortality every day all day long. nothing reminds me of it, nothing 'wakes me up'anymore, I stopped waking up a long time ago. nothing seems to phase me, at least not to a core level. actually, I don't know what I'm saying. it could be the exact opposite. and think about it, no one has come in my house or a building where I am with a gun. am I making any sense at all? I think what I mean is, I have never had a real, actual brush with death. so I'm relying on my fairly vivid (I think, from talking to people about it), but still-not-the-real-thing imagination. I still don't know what I'm saying but where we differ I think is that your fascination with natural disasters comes from the high of a reality check, whereas mine is more like...me wanting to externalize (or see externalized) the storm in my head. did that part make sense at least?

Did you have to get on lithium because of the episode that landed you in the hospital, or was it something you overcame yourself?

I don't understand this question. it looks to me like "do you walk to school, or carry your lunch?" but I'll do my best to answer

Spoiler for long ass fucking story, that's 'long-ass story' not 'ass fucking story':

I was put on a whole fun bag of medication right after I got out of the hospital. I don't know WHAT all they gave me while I was in there, it seems like a little dixiecup of 3-4 pills morning and night, and I think they changed it all up every few days or so. there was lithium in there at one point, I know that. then they treated me like SHIT when I started rolling myself across the walls and around the floor and banging myself into the furniture, because all those different medications they had me take caused akathisia. I was rolling on the floor and some nurse said, in a nasty tone and with a scowl, "get up off the floor, it's dirty."

oh, and they took away my visitor privileges, which were EVERYTHING to me, when one day my mom and sister came to visit and I begged them to take me with them, they said they can't, and I kept feeling worse and worse until I SNAPPED and got on the floor covering my head screaming something like "STOP MY MIND" over and over.

uh, sorry, [/tangent]

let's see. after I left the hospital, no one knew what was wrong with me. see, they thought it was all drugs. they insisted I was addicted to marijuana, and made me go through this three month, out-patient program including bullshit 12 steps. (oh funny story, can you guess the first thing I did after "graduating?" I bought a pipe and some green and lit up.) anyway, because they thought I was just some drug addict/attention whore, I was not properly evaluated. I took risperidone for psychosis, citalopram for depression, and something else I don't remember. I saw a psychiatrist soon after, because (since I got out) I could not sit still. if I did I'd shake my leg furiously. guess I was still suffering from akathisia. anyway she gave me seroquel, which seemed to help a little at first, then did nothing. the akathisia eventually subsided, and I stopped going to see her...actually, I just remembered, this point was probably the deepest depression I've ever been in. I just sat and stared all the time, and would ignore people talking to me...

anyway, time passed, and then around february of last year I got a new friend (who hooked me up with alcohol, I was not yet 21), fell madly in love with this boy at work, a lot of shit was going on, I was -extremely- manic. my belligerent ogre of a stepfather kicked me out of the house for drinking and smoking upstairs, so my grandparents who live down the road, took me in. my mania escalated.

I thought and wrote and did crazy things, including somehow getting a bus all the way to cleveland ohio at the very last fucking minute for a show
(that I believed I was "supposed" to go to).

then a depression.

then another mania in mid-late summer in which I became obsessed with organic food, cleanliness, purity. (my manias usually have some "theme," some key fixation.)

sometime during the mania, I decided I should probably go back to the psychiatrist. and that's when I was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and prescribed lithium. so, to answer your question - no, I didn't get on lithium because of the hospital episode, not necessarily anyway. the hospital staff/"professionals" were all sloppy and apathetic, and they all believed I was just a lousy drug addict. but the hospital episode did help with diagnosis.

I didn't 'overcome' anything...at least I don't think so? what exactly did you mean by that?

Also, do you think you can overcome your depression with out the drug?

probably not.

Something must be causing it. Brain chemicals, sure, but something else outside of yourself that may be leaving you with a lack of fulfillment or something or other. What do you think?

I have no idea. possibly. I have this whole spectrum of thoughts and ideas, and details details details, tiny details, ranging from sickening, depraved, perverted, horrible and vile, to warm, delicious, grandiose, wonderful, splendorous, beautiful, magical.

I don't like saying this because it probably sounds pretentious, but I think I have way more in my head than the average person. and sometimes I feel like I'm gonna over fucking flow. when I say 'way more,' I'm not talking about intelligence necessarily. just...details.

and I desperately want to share it with someone. someone who will listen, someone who is genuinely interested, someone to whom my words will be like soft butterflies fluttering about, or warm sunshine pouring over them, or summer rain. someone who can see. feel. think.

someone who can enter my little dimension and realize just where they are.

"A soul seeing another soul - that is the thread (or string) that holds all of existence together."

otherwise, my only friend is solipsism.

imagine this: you come up with a truly hilarious joke, and excitedly tell it to a group of people/friends. you deliver the punch line, and...nothing. blank stares. (they just don't get it.)

then, while taking a solitary nature walk, you see a glimmer in some dirt next to a creek. you check it out, and uncover an impossibly beautiful gemstone. it almost looks like it contains a real nebula, and the beauty is indescribable, it's like nothing you've ever seen before. you immediately decide to give it to a particular loved one (it was your first thought!). you race home, "this is for you! I found it by a creek, isn't it amazing? I want you to have it." you anticipate their response with even more excitement than when you unearthed your pretty little treasure...

"oh hey, yeah, that's neat."

they immediately toss it in a drawer.

(do you see why I use drugs?)

I recall you've expressed this before, about wanting to go lights out forever. Do you feel that way now?

Originally Posted by nerve

LOL, oh, I just want to disappearrrrrrr ;_;

yeah.

not right this second, though. I'd like to see how this movie ends, it's the only one I'll ever get to see. I've recently thought about walking out...but only if a certain person escorted me, which will never happen. but hypothetically if this one person had a gun and could shoot me and everyone be ok with it, well, then, maybe.

but this fantasy is farfetched,
and I'm not in my right mind now anyway...

so if I disappear for awhile, I'm probably just partying with my cousin at home :p

I wonder if this is something that is completely beyond your control.. About your flipping mood, I mean. Can you, when feeling anger coming on, purposefully relax yourself and remain calm and not angry?

I've never had problems with anger. just not an angry person. it takes a lot to really set me off. I get irritated a lot sometimes, and I think it probably always shows to the exact degree. in other words, I may not have much control over it (I don't know), but I don't ever get very angry.

You've also mentioned you haven't really gotten into meditation, and I'm interested in how practicing it would work for you as a means of examining yourself and bringing your emotions under your own willful control.

yeah, so am I. too bad that will never happen!!!! u_u

Originally Posted by Taosaur

As far as seeing connections, the most intense was during and after a poetry class with an especially passionate professor...

that is an interesting story. I think I've experienced some things like it...yeah, but not so intense as to leave me speechless.

when you said connections, though, I was thinking like parallels. something like: this is like that, which must mean this. I don't know why I can't think of a specific example; it happens all the time.

ok, I'll just make something up: I bake some chocolate chip cookies, and they are cooling in the kitchen. I'm in the living room with my cousin, watching tv, waiting for them to cool. I get up to get us a couple, and as I'm walking back to the living room, one of them falls on the floor. I think, that cookie fell on the floor, so it must be meant for my cousin. :p

okay, that was a joke. seriously:

a friend of mine introduces me to someone named Thomas. their name is Thomas, so they must be a skeptical person.

there's a note with a personal, but somewhat vague message followed by a bible verse left on a bench outside a store. someone must have left it for me.

I don't know, those aren't the greatest examples, but it's basically coming to ridiculous conclusions based on weak, farfetched connections.

Originally Posted by Xaqaria

Nope, I meant it would be a good thing to do. It might help you organize your thoughts and get your energy flowing more harmoniously.

you're right. I'm doing it.

Originally Posted by Lucidness

This thread made my head spin.

why is that? jw

Originally Posted by nerve

so if I disappear for awhile, I'm probably just partying with my cousin at home :p

This is true

Originally Posted by nerve

ok, I'll just make something up: I bake some chocolate chip cookies, and they are cooling in the kitchen. I'm in the living room with my cousin, watching tv, waiting for them to cool. I get up to get us a couple, and as I'm walking back to the living room, one of them falls on the floor. I think, that cookie fell on the floor, so it must be meant for my cousin. :p

Fuck you man! Jk I would eat it even if you told me it fell on the floor haha

Originally Posted by OldManRiver

This is true :D

ohp, there you have it, verification!

Fuck you man! Jk I would eat it even if you told me it fell on the floor haha

I'll be sure and drop all your food on the floor now since apparently you don't care. :p

Originally Posted by nerve

ohpI'll be sure and drop all your food on the floor now since apparently you don't care. :p

If you do that, I will shave bosie.

my mind is moving very fast and very slow at the same time and I'm a little scared. I feel very queasy, and I think this is why:



all of that through my head, in one minute.

the smart thing for me to do would be go home and get some rest.
but instead I'm going to a club meeting and will probably drink.

life's a bitch,

:::::hugs::::: Hope the world slows down and stabilzes for you soon!!

I go through self-induced hypomania through lack of sleep. There was a time I was a rapid-cycler but that's because doctors thought I was bipolar and gave me meds to treat it, which actually gave me symptoms of bipolar lol.
Through several years of medication trials and tweaking and therapy it was discovered that I am not bipolar after all I just have severe anxiety.

My anxiety makes my brain ramble on and I have just enough OCD that I fixate on weird things and thoughts often enough.
I have come to truly appreciate sleep because it's majorly stabilizing. I take Ambien or Melatonin to shut up my thoughts so I can sleep.
If I'm feeling creative though, I'll skip sleep to induce hypomania but I do so knowing I'll pay for it in the long run (so I try to schedule such bouts when I'm able to accomodate the inevitable crash that follows).

why is that? jw

The fast writing ect.

Originally Posted by nerve

well, I think we may differ a little on why; I feel like I'm already dead, and I feel my mortality every day all day long. nothing reminds me of it, nothing 'wakes me up'anymore, I stopped waking up a long time ago. nothing seems to phase me, at least not to a core level. actually, I don't know what I'm saying. it could be the exact opposite. and think about it, no one has come in my house or a building where I am with a gun. am I making any sense at all? I think what I mean is, I have never had a real, actual brush with death. so I'm relying on my fairly vivid (I think, from talking to people about it), but still-not-the-real-thing imagination. I still don't know what I'm saying but where we differ I think is that your fascination with natural disasters comes from the high of a reality check, whereas mine is more like...me wanting to externalize (or see externalized) the storm in my head. did that part make sense at least?

It did make sense, yes. It's the feeling of witnessing something much larger than myself. I know that on a cosmic scale a lightning storm is very small, but they are, to me, huge and loaded with a power and a life of their own. The idea of externalizing your feelings is something I'm not unfamiliar with, but it comes about not from the sense of "craziness" in the head that you seem to be getting. Wanting to externalize (for me) comes from that feeling of aliveness in which you feel like you can jump buildings and can punch through plated steel. Sometimes it feels like recklessness, but it's very rare. Actually, it's not, it comes from drinking coffee some times. I guess stimulants can do that. But the natural love of storms does come from that feeling of making me alive, yar, so we're probably a little different there.

I don't understand this question. it looks to me like "do you walk to school, or carry your lunch?" but I'll do my best to answer
...
[long ass fucking story]

You answered the question. Your lithium was for bipolar disorder. Part of the question was also whether you got over the episodes in the hospital on your own or through meds, which you answered as well. But how did it all begin, when did these manic episodes really come into your life? What drugs were you on at the time (or was it just marijuana? No harm there)? Also, when you were on your 'purity' thing, did you stop drinking/smoking? So much to ask in order to understand.

I have no idea. possibly. I have this whole spectrum of thoughts and ideas, and details details details, tiny details, ranging from sickening, depraved, perverted, horrible and vile, to warm, delicious, grandiose, wonderful, splendorous, beautiful, magical.

I don't like saying this because it probably sounds pretentious, but I think I have way more in my head than the average person. and sometimes I feel like I'm gonna over fucking flow. when I say 'way more,' I'm not talking about intelligence necessarily. just...details.

and I desperately want to share it with someone. someone who will listen, someone who is genuinely interested, someone to whom my words will be like soft butterflies fluttering about, or warm sunshine pouring over them, or summer rain. someone who can see. feel. think.

someone who can enter my little dimension and realize just where they are.

"A soul seeing another soul - that is the thread (or string) that holds all of existence together."

otherwise, my only friend is solipsism.

imagine this: you come up with a truly hilarious joke, and excitedly tell it to a group of people/friends. you deliver the punch line, and...nothing. blank stares. (they just don't get it.)

Yes. I mean, I don't agree with the solipsism part, but this desire to not be the only one experiencing your own reality... I wish I could put what I want to say in better words.. You are full to the brim with details and a myriad of thoughts. Who has a similar enough story to yours who can not only relate, but share the experience of life in the way that you can both feel and ultimately understand? Someone that you feel you can speak to beyond words.. See, I feel like this isn't coming out right. Your thing with details is particular to you. I've been wondering lately about a "little" trait of my own that's been very difficult to resolve in my head. I think I'd rather PM it to you.

There is one experience I would not mind sharing publicly though. I was under the impression at one point that I had found this person. It was very bizarre, but bizarre in the way it would be to stumble upon a door that goes to another spectacular world. I met this person face to face, we talked, we drove around, and the more we shared the more I got the feeling I was talking to some form of myself in the flesh. We had the same life desires (even had ideas to work for the same company), had preferences for so many of the same things that I had begun to take a list on a piece of note paper. This person's mannerisms were so familiar I felt like I'd known them from somewhere. I was hearing the meaning of their words, and not just the words to interpret. There was a point at which I made this screeching noise with my throat that used to drive my friends nuts, something they couldn't do when they tried to (I felt comfortable enough around this person to do this). My new friend (and what an understatement that feels like) pulled off the same noise to a T, and told me that their friends hated the sound. Wow.

Long story short, this person had no interest in pursuing our friendship any further. The whole thing was some kind of sick cosmic joke, and, ultimately, a metaphorical kick in the balls. The rest goes into that PM I mentioned earlier.

then, while taking a solitary nature walk, you see a glimmer in some dirt next to a creek. you check it out, and uncover an impossibly beautiful gemstone. it almost looks like it contains a real nebula, and the beauty is indescribable, it's like nothing you've ever seen before. you immediately decide to give it to a particular loved one (it was your first thought!). you race home, "this is for you! I found it by a creek, isn't it amazing? I want you to have it." you anticipate their response with even more excitement than when you unearthed your pretty little treasure...

"oh hey, yeah, that's neat."

they immediately toss it in a drawer.

(do you see why I use drugs?)

I do. I do. The item I had given was something I made. It was likewise rejected in similar fashion. I feel you on this.

LOL, oh, I just want to disappearrrrrrr ;_;

I wasn't referring to that. You had mention it months earlier to me.

yeah, so am I. too bad that will never happen!!!! u_u

If it's something you have control over, why admit defeat so soon, especially if it could end up working to your benefit?