Thread: Just lost my custody battle...

Crap dude that sucks. How old is your son?

2

I absolutely have no idea what to do from here... i'm seriously pondering on the idea of purchasing a plane ticket to another country (Scotland) and just starting completely over. It's the only thing i can think of... you're right, i've never hurt like this in my life.

Is she reasonable? What can you do that will make her more likely to let you visit your son regularly?

Hmmm, I guess you could always appeal you case, or be sneaky like i would be and force her so you are able to see your son when you like. For example saying to her that anytime she has a new partner you will complain to the judge that he is unsuitable to be around children etc. Then again this would be petty.

Originally Posted by IndigoGhost

Hmmm, I guess you could always appeal you case, or be sneaky like i would be and force her so you are able to see your son when you like. For example saying to her that anytime she has a new partner you will complain to the judge that he is unsuitable to be around children etc. Then again this would be petty.

I don't know that it would be petty. I mean, I can see myself lowering to pretty underhanded tactics in this situation. The biggest problem I see with this is a harassment suit which could remove MM's visitation rights completely. These kinds of solutions... blackmail and such... I doubt that they are true options.

I cannot imagine the pain you must be going through since I do not have children, MM. I can understand your desire to move. But I don't know if it will really help the pain. I'm not saying it won't or it will. I really don't know. Is it possible to appeal for at least partial custody, even if you cannot get 50/50?

That sucks man.

I don't know, my mom and dad were divorced when I was 5 or 6, and I went to visit my dad every second weekend. I know kids who stay one week at their dad's and one week at their mom's, but that really just seems very unreasonable. I'm not siding with your son's mom, I'm just saying that you have to consider what your kid needs over what you want, and constantly moving from parent to parent is not what a kid needs.

Stick it out and do what you can for son, and don't let any feelings (negative or otherwise) effect your parenting. Running away, isn't going to help the situation at all. Theres a really good chance that she's doing it because she feels that's the absolute best for the child, however she may not always feel that way. Especially if you stick around and see him, and support him as much as possible. My best advise would overlook the possibility of not seeing your child as much as you would like, and maximize the time you actually get.

That's rough, man. Believe me, I know how you feel.

My daughter's mom and I split up when my daughter was about 2. Her mom wasn't living a very "healthy" lifestyle, so we decided out of court that I was going to take our daughter until her mom got her life together. She was afraid I was going to take her for good, so I promised that, once she got more established, I would grant her custody (I do believe that a little girl needs her mother). So I had been a single dad for 3 years before her mom got her life "straight" (and I use the term loosely), but then when it was time, I kept my promise and she got full custody. (Joint custody just did not seem fair to our daughter, because then she would always be switching schools and being away from her friends for long periods of time and whatnot).

But still, there's not a day that goes by that I don't wish I would have gone back on my word. That little girl means everything to me, and we have a better relationship than she and her mom could ever wish to have. She calls me every night, and can't wait to see me on the weekends that I have her. Believe me, it does suck, but at this point in time, I think it's for the best (or, rather, I keep telling myself that. Lol). But, if you truly love your son, stay in his life. It's going to crush you, to no end, to have such limited visitation rights, but the amount of time that you're able to spend with him means much less than always showing him unconditional love, and communicating with him as often as possible.

The court systems are notoriously biased against fathers in this type of situation, so there are plenty of good fathers out there who have to endure this same, demoralizing bullshit. You don't want to make it worse by seeming petty and bordering on harassment. In the end, it's not going to do you any good, and will likely end up doing more harm than it's worth. You're just going to have to keep your head and ask yourself if you really want to trade being a part time parent for your son growing up without a father at all.

I'm sure you'll make the right decision...

Good luck, dude. If you need to talk about anything, you know how to reach me.

Thank you all, i appreciate all of your comments, i honestly wasn't ready for the results of the custody battle and was left in shock for a while
and didn't know where to go from this point. The type of joint custody i was wanting was that she has him for the months that he is in school and i get the time he's on summer vacation. I thought that would be fair enough (though i really wanted full custody but as Oneironaut mentioned i believe a child needs the mother in his/her life).

I poorly informed all of you on the subject last night, so here it is:

She's the type of woman that feels that she has to hurt me because she thinks i've ruined her life by "coercing" her into marriage and "getting her pregnant". She does things just to see how much it hurts me, as in this divorce, she became upset that with my new position at my job i have a full workload and can't keep my son at the moment (because i work 1pm-12am usually) and so she went (while we were supposedly trying to fix this whole mess) and started seeing someone and rubbing him in my face sending me pictures on my phone of her and him and talking about how much happier she is with him and just shit to see me upset and hurt. Well i finally told her that it doesn't bother me because my only focus is my son. So she then decided to set up a court hearing for the custody and of course the piece of shit judicial system sided with her on the grounds that the mother and child have a "special bond" that shouldn't be tampered with.... I CALL BULLSHIT! I really doubt that my son has to have his mother in his life to grow up to be a great person. I understand where they're coming from, but they make it so that the father is a gear or a cog in the family that can be replaced at any time .

I've decided to try and stay for a few years and see if this pans out and she matures a little more and grants me some form of partial custody, if not then i don't think my mind could take knowing my son is within the same state as me but i'm not allowed to see him...

(((((Memento)))))
I understand some of what you're going through. I lost my kids for a year to Foster Care, but it was my fault mostly. It still hurt like hell, but I had the "bright side" of being able to improve my life and getting them back- which I did.

Yeah... I'd advise you to stick it out. But if she's completely irrational, and there's absolutely nothing you can do, live your life but still keep in touch with your son. Send him postcards, call him, etc, etc.
But if you have him every other weekend (or can work toward that), then definitely stick it out.

It's hell though.

Thanks Zhaylin, i really appreciate it. I've been meditating on and off of it for a bit and i'm coming to an insight it feels like. I'm usually able to work through anything but this is hell, it's probably the hardest thing i've ever had to go through.

You're all much better people than I am, apparently. I'm not sure I'd be able to keep myself from resorting to murder. I'm not a violent guy by nature, but I think that kind of ultimate separation would push me over the edge, leading me to gut that woman like a trout. (I'm pretty sure I would also bomb the judge's house, just for good measure.) I've already got a little taste of parenthood, with all the time I spend with my baby nephew...and let me just say, that feeling is something I would never give up willingly. Especially not to some gold-digging thundercunt who enjoys to see me suffer, and sure as hell not to a broken judicial system that crucifies the penis because "the woman is always the victim" in divorce and child custody cases.

My prayers are with you and your son, MM. Kudos to you for not following my would-be example and snapping.

Originally Posted by Lëzen

crucifies the penis

Lol, so funny, yet so true.

Aw man, no way. I am so sorry. I can't imagine...

Well, I know you've said you always wanted to move to Scotland (Skye, right?)
If that is what your dream is, then you should chase the dream, if it's drive through life that you are needing.

And about the "special bond" thing between mother and child, well, I don't know about anyone else, but most people's actual role model is their father, especially for boys. So I feel sorry for your son too.

So yea, basically, you should set your eyes on your dream, and chase it. I'm not saying it will take your mind off the situation fully, but it will give your life some meaning.


Again, I am so sorry, man.

thanks Lezen, i might have if it was any earlier in my life... not as intense but would've done something stupid.
I appreciate the thought though.

Slash, man i really want to, but i think it's because i feel like i'm trying to replace the loss of drive to do anything and that that may loosely cover that hole. Though i know it would weakly numb the pain.

But if it doesn't seem to turn around that may be what i do indeed. I've already checked on ticket prices and began looking for housing.... about to buckle down and learn Gaelic for just in case measures. I hope she changes her mind and grants me some sort of custody...

Originally Posted by MementoMori

thanks Lezen, i might have if it was any earlier in my life... not as intense but would've done something stupid.
I appreciate the thought though.

Slash, man i really want to, but i think it's because i feel like i'm trying to replace the loss of drive to do anything and that that may loosely cover that hole. Though i know it would weakly numb the pain.

But if it doesn't seem to turn around that may be what i do indeed. I've already checked on ticket prices and began looking for housing.... about to buckle down and learn Gaelic for just in case measures. I hope she changes her mind and grants me some sort of custody...

Do you live in the same town as your ex? If so, that takes away most of the fuel for the 'Partial custody screws up school/friendships' argument.

The circumstances of my life have made it so that I honestly can not relate to this in any way at all. That being said, I feel bad for you, man. My suggestion is don't do anything illegal with regards to seeing your son, that'll only make things harder. You might want to consider trying an appeal for at least some custody. If all else fails, like Zhaylin said, you should send him postcards and the like. I'd not suggest running away from this as it'll only make it worse in the long run. I think.
Sorry if this isn't too helpful. I'm not a father, or even a father figure. You have my empathy, though. I hope this all works out in some way.

Originally Posted by spockman

Do you live in the same town as your ex? If so, that takes away most of the fuel for the 'Partial custody screws up school/friendships' argument.

I live a town away, and wouldn't have trouble getting him to where he needed to go to.

and thank you Kinkyinc, i appreciate it.

Well, if there really is still hope to change her mind, then in that case, if I were you, I wouldn't give up trying to change her mind.

Then if worst comes to worse, then you could start your new life.

that's the plan i think i'm going with, to stick it out for a bit more and see if things change. If not then i'll for sure be heading to Skye definitely. Life here without my son is worthless to me, i only stayed here for my son after we separated because i thought i would get partial custody. But without getting to see him, this town the state and the country really hold no appeal to me at all.

I wonder how many good fathers in america get shafted everyday like i did, somethings just blow my mind...

Originally Posted by MementoMori

So i just lost the custody battle for my son, i was fighting for joint and she wanted full.

Now she has my son until he's 18... i have limited visitation per scheduling and approval by her...

this is probably the worst feeling i've ever had
anyone ever dealt with this?
I have no idea of what to do now, my drive and direction in life was based around my son... now i'm a little lost..

What a bitch...

Your kid will want to be with you a lot at 18, specially if his mother doesn't let him see you like he should be able to. Also taking out anger on people in Lucid dreams is fun.

Originally Posted by MementoMori

I wonder how many good fathers in america get shafted everyday like i did...

One too many. I believe you have a right to be his father.