What do you represent? A voice hearers experience with Lucid Dreaming.

I have wrote briefly about these experiences before but I have gone into so much more depth in the last 6 months with this. I hear voices. I have for most of my life. The voices I hear have become like a family to me. I know a lot of people tend to freak out a little when they hear that someone hears voices, that surely that makes that person mentally ill but I'm quite thankful that I do hear voices because for the most part they have been a massive help. I've been interested in exploring the nature of voice hearing, from different cultural beliefs to the mental health system and so on and as a lucid dreamer I figured what better why to get insight into my experiences than asking my subconscious.

The first time I did this was maybe 2 years ago now when I tried to find one of the voices, a guy called Scott. My intention was to ask him why I heard him and what he represented. The first few times I tried I failed. I would become lucid and search for him but he would always be behind this blurry wall and if I tried to ask a question or move passed the wall the words Access Denied would flash up in Red. I took this to mean I wasn't ready to learn. I should also note at this point that as well as hearing these voices I do sometimes see them as well so I knew what they looked like when I went looking for them in the dream.
This carried on for a while and each time I would get a little bit closer. Eventually I managed to find Scott and there were no barriers. I asked him why he was in my life. He handed me his mobile phone and there was a message on it saying "You are only a small part of something much bigger." I took this to mean that my experience of hearing voices was only a small part of something much bigger.
Then I had another dream where I found him and asked the question "What do you represent?" He said that he represented all the things I wished I was. Confident, good at social interaction, good looking, etc. This rang very true for me. Something I don't often admit to is that I am trans. I was born female but transitioned to male as I was never comfortable that way. Scott was almost like the part of me I longed for all my life, to be male. To be a strong, confident, good looking male.

About 6 months ago I tried with another voice, Darren. Darren has been with me for almost 10 years now and he started out as a very angry, very threatening, very malicious voice that was constantly critical of myself and those around me. Being 11/12 at the time this was pretty difficult to deal with and I didn’t tell anyone for a very long time. I always considered Darren to be a negative voice, a voice that I needed to get rid of, and I treated him the same way he treated me, with resentment. In the last couple of years he has been somewhat more reasonable and easier to talk to but I figured he was the best voice to work with as he is the most negative. The experiences I had when finding Scott were amazing but the ones with Darren have been phenomenal.

It was hard to speak with Darren because when I did find him he was always very defensive and reluctant to talk. I then had a lucid dream where I found him in the restrooms of a supermarket. It was kind of weird because we were in separate restrooms but there was a mirror that acted like a window so we could see each other. I asked him what he wanted from me and he said "I just need you to listen." This was quite powerful and made me realise that despite his anger and rage all he really needs is someone to listen to him. For the rest of the dream we just stared at each other and it was like we were really seeing each other. A few nights later I had another lucid dream, this time I was able to be in the same room as him and we hugged. Again this was incredibly powerful and showed we were ready to really listen to one another. When I asked what he represented he was said he was anger. I've always struggled to access my emotions and anger has always been something I've pushed away so Darren pretty much represents that anger and protection from that anger. Being able to really listen to each other and express ourselves has made our relationship stronger.

I have searched for and spoken to some other voices in my dreams but for me these two are the more powerful and life changing examples of how lucid dreaming can really help.
(Below are drawings of both Scott and Darren so you can get a better understanding of what I experience on a daily basis :) )

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