You can't fight darkness, only accept it

It was a very long time from my last visit. The reason is that I was very occupied and distracted, but I did not give up on lucid dreaming, only paid less time to it and let it happen more spontaneous than controlled and it was a good think because it happen only I need it. I never had full control over my dreams, but I managed to be lucid and control my actions, not to try to change anything around me until something that changed my perspective about myself happened.

One night I woke up to go to bathroom, I returned to my bed felling very tired. I decided that this is a good moment to try some WILD and try to visit for first time my wonderland during a lucid dream. I started to visualize it: a glade surrounded by a dense green forest, with a lake filled with koi fishes in middle and an wooden hut in a corner. The image of it started to become more and more vivid, natural and realistic until my body fall asleep, but not my mind that remained inside my fantasy. Everything was nice and I fell like a god having the power to create a world, my own peaceful and beautiful world. But something happened. The purple clear sky and full of stars become cloudy and dark and a black substance started to cover all trees. I tried to fight back and clear my green trees off that black goo, but its expansion was too fast, too powerful and too aggressive. I was powerless in the middle of invaded world and the blackness is starting to cover me and I let it until more than half of my body was covered. I regain my power and unleashed it to free and clear myself. Now I'm glowing being covered in a fire like aura that is warming me and protect from the goo. And I said: "I'm not afraid of you!" and the black substance is vanished. Now I'm in middle of a deserted tenebrous forest, with no leaves and shadows crawling around me. Zoey* is with me, but she didn't appear like a fully grown wolf and she's scared. A big black beast with sharp teeth is in front of me. Zoey growl at it trying to protect me, but she's visible scared by it. I'm not. I come closer and tell it: "I'm not afraid of you any longer, you are me and I'm you, if you want to be here so be it, I accept you now." The beast and shadows are vanished now and I remained in the middle of that gloomy forest. But now I'm felling free and at peace. The chaos is now order. Now this my my wonderland, my inner reality. The green glade and forest was just a fantasy that I thought it will make me happy, but it isn't. Now I'm happy and I'm felling unchained and accomplished. Now inside me is a quiet and peaceful place and full of mystery. Maybe this forest has no limits, maybe there is something at the end of it that will be uncovered at the right moment. But until then, there is the place were I fit.

I learned that fighting against darkness is just a useless try to change instead of accepting myself as I am. Trying to change yourself can cause more harm than good. I no longer care what other people think about me, even it is a good opinion. I know who I am and what make me happy. Fortunately there was always people around me that never asked me to change, because they accept me as I accept myself now and they can be called true friends. There was and are people that are trying to force me and others to change to become like them. I no longer care about this kind of people, they are just losers that overestimate themselves, that is trying to lie themselves and others that they have a good life, but in reality they live in same monotony and routine every day, doing nothing, but gossip about others. In reality they are unhappy and frustrated, but I don't care.

*Zoey is a white wolf female. She appeared in my dreams when I was a child to protect and help me. For a long period of time I didn't saw her in my dreams, but now she have returned as my companion.

Few things about myself. I always darkness in real life. "Darkness" in my story is more a metaphor. I always loved dark, quiet and cold places. Also I enjoy the cold from I was a child because my body can warm itself very fast and I can go outside in summer clothes during winter. The only time when I fell the cold is when there is a really low temperature or some thoughts really bother me and I can be calm. My self warming is natural, but I need to be calm to happen. But I can't cool myself during summer and this made me to hate high temperatures, also my eyes are sensible at light and that the reason why I enjoy dark and cold places instead of warm full of light ones. I'm not depressive and never was. I just had for a very long period of time a very agitated sleep or lack of it and this made me very sober and detached from everything and people simply confused me with a depressive person. But again, I never was, because I always had nearly everything I needed or wanted and that because I'm not pretentious and materialist.