The day my dreams all became the same
I first started to experiment with lucid dreaming 5 years ago when I learned about it in psych. I got ok at it, and then 2 years later I started to dabble in hallucinagens and things really began to pick up.
I began with Dex, then came acid and I got to face all of the repetitive desires of my conscious mind that go unoticed, what I worried about, what made me sad or depressed or angry in the day always came around and laughed at my while tripping.
Dex gave me intense lucidity. I began to do more then just make choices about how my dream would go, I began to 'create' parts of my dream. I began to change things at will. Small things at first, like objects morphing into more useful or fasinating items, was the focus of my dreaming, but then things changed again.
By third year I started mixing Melatonin (the sleep chemical, not pigmentation) with various things, from Robotussin to weed, MDMA to malt liquer, ketamine to cocain, Kava kava to passion flower, all producing various states of dreaming, some very abstract and non-familiar to this plane of existence.
This produced uber lucidity (especially when mixed with THC, Hops, Kava, or Passion Flower) and dreams that went from being creative explosions to, well, the void.
I started with Melatonin dreaming up landscapes and spacescapes where I could wield objects as illusions, changing them and twisting them in and out of recognisable perceptions. I soetimes would find myself not in a dream to start and literally creating it from whiteness or darkness, making a world to dream in that night...I did whatever I wanted. But after a couple of months of this, things started to evolve again.
I started to realize the futility of creation, I think, or creation became everything in single perceptions. I would make objects and they would blink and change. Endless possibilities now existed and objects in my dreams would morph faster and faster. Soon I began to see objects in semi-permanent states that were really AGES long. My landscapes now grew and eroded in front of my very eyes! Entropy and growth now were constant factors in all my dreams, I saw the lifespans of things I imagined in minutes, even seconds. This sort of dreaming became quite rapid, and i felt fatigued some how by all this constant change.
Soon, I started to eliminate the objects that changed constantly. I started to make them dissapear, when I would dream and something started to rapidly evolve I simply removed it.
Then, one night when I took a whole lot of drugs the day before, I had a dream in which EVERYTHING was changing, everything was growing and decaying at the same time. Images were no loger permanent, they were all of their reicarnated states existing at once. They were also infinitely interconnected with eachother, yet each still somehow separate. Each spinning reels of endless time.
So, in a state of lucid dreaming panic (or maybe enlightenment) I halted them all at once, and there, before me, was the infinite nothing, I adrift in it.
I could still summon any object, yet they were still pale in comparisson to the profound peaceful emptiness I was in. From that point on, I dreamed about nothing. I was dreaming, I was there, but nothing happened. Sometimes I would call an object into view and observe it, view its life-cycle and its possible manifestations and opposites, but I would always tire of this and go back to the blankness. Now I could make perceptions spin like tv channels of information, like movies of life. I could even call in senarios and observe social idiosyncrocies, but I found it was all the same. It seemed that in the nothing, 'what' was happening did not matter, just my inner alignment and how neutral my karma was.
You may have noticed the past tense. Unfortunatly, after this going on for a year or so, most of my dreams have completely stopped. I am still a lucid dreamer, and I have always dreamed in 1st person (even though my 1st and 3rd may be the same) but I now I might be lucky to remember 2 dreams a week.
I am just wondering if anyone can relate to my experience, perhaps shed some wisdom on it.
I tend to believe that the drugs I used accellerated a skill that I had already practiced prior to usage and that, now that I've stopped using all drugs save for ganja, I have lost some of my ability. I now seek to regain memory of my lucid dreaming. Right now I am a practicing Taoist and use Buddhist walking meditation and deep transcendental meditation (which I remember more clearly) and am seeking advice on how to further improve my dreaming without the use of harsh stimulents.
I will probably go back to using melatonin once again (only with ganja -which actually only inhibits REM immediately after smoking and improves it later during the night when REM is at its most potent) and keep meditating.
For now I still dream of the nothing.
