Thanks to my first LD that I had, I'm stopping LD-ing forever. There is no way I'm continuing this after what I felt and saw. This'll probably be my last post here, unless someone can tell me otherwise. This is what happened.
I went to sleep, and it wasn't much longer from that, and I really don't know how I realized it, but I knew that I was dreaming. It was a great feeling, as I was in a place, not just closing my eyes like my last LD. I was so happy. I wanted to be with someone, so thought really hard of a friend of mine, and when I turned around, he was there. Boy was I excited. Before I even had the chance of talking to him, my body had an incredible wave rush over it. There's no way to explain it. Like my body felt completely unreal. I went up to my friend and tried to tell him what was wrong, but then I lot my connection with my body. I was there, but I couldn't really control it. I remember stumbling around, the sounds and sights meshing together as one. I was starting to freak out. I reached out to my friend trying to call to him, but my body was it's own thing. I remember falling down, and things spinning in my view. Then it hit me again that this is only a dream. I tried to reconnect my self, but I couldn't. I really became scared. I thought I would be trapped in this state forever. Just as that thought entered my mind, something terrifying happened. It hit me that I would be stuck. I had done it. I had dreamed that I would be stuck, and it happened.
The spinning sped up, the sounds died, and all I heard was silence. I spoke in my head something, and heard it loud and clear. Then those last two words, whatever they were, repeated them selves, uncontrollably getting faster and faster, until they were nothing more than a horrific sound, spinning in all directions in my head. And ever time those words repeated, the spinning image repeated. It was like a bad DVD that was stuck in a second of play, and continually repeats that one second over and over again. But this was going faster, continually faster.
The repeating spinning image began to mesh in color, until there was nothing but a white nothingness before me. The sound still was there, and the feeling of repeating was there. I couldn't move. I couldn't act on my own. I was terrified. By this time, the sense of movement faded. The sense of existent faded. I didn't exist anywhere. I was dead. I still heard that horrific sound, flying in circles around my head.
Now I had control of my thoughts. Not completely though. I was there, and I thought to my self, now I've don it. Everything is gone. I can't bring myself back. I'll be forever non-existent. No body, no sense of anything. When that thought truly sunk in, that's when I really started panicking. I tried flailing my arms, but I didn't have any. I had nothing. I WAS nothing. It was as of my thoughts only existed. Nothing else was attached.
I remember feeling alone, scared, destined to be in this white void of nothingness for all eternity. I cried. For what seemed to be hours, I let out all maner of emotions, for that was all I could do. No matter how hard I tried, nothing existed outside my thoughts. I cried for hours and hours. All the while, that sound in my head, almost like it was reminding me that I had done this to myself, never leaving me. It was my last connection to the real world. It's hard to explain, but that sound was angry, hurting me because I trapped myself here. I was angry too. I wanted to kill myself. But there was nothing to kill.
I then let my thoughts go. There's no real way to explain what happened when I did that. I can't say that I just wondered around for what seemed days, because I had no sense of a body, no movement. I can't say I just existed, because I didn't. I was just there. Nothing but the white nothingness, and that god-awful sound. I felt myself go into a deep state of depression. I wanted to be back.
Then, and thank God I did, I had a thought come into my, 'whatever you call it". If I had audible thoughts, then I might have an imagination. I thought if that was true, I might imagine a new world for me to live in. I thought I could give it a try, as I had eternity to work this out. First I concentrated on movement. Somehow, and don't ask me how, I gained a sense of real movement. Oh God, what a relief that was! I had pulled of an amazing change that I didn't think was possible. I remember my head moving back and forth. Little by little. I had no body, yet I had a sense of existing again. I felt so happy. Then, I stared working on image. I thought as hard as I could, and slowly but surly, pictures began flashing in rhythm of the sound. Slowly the sound decreased in speed, and conciseness began to form around me. I felt my body again.
My only thoughts were, I did it. I had made up an entire world for me to live in. I had done it. I can now live again. When I finally pulled everything back together, a wave of exhaustion hit me, and I slumped over, and fell asleep. I then woke up.
I remember waking up uncontrollably twitching. My arms were flailing, my head rolling all over in all directions. Slowly I came to. I sat in my lit room, and took me bout twenty minutes to completely comprehend that what happened was a dream. My existence was real, not my imagination. I did like 10 RC, tests and anything else to make sure it was real. When I finally got up, I was shaking. I told myself that I never would LD again. If I ever become conscious in a dream again, I'd do EVERYTHING in my power to wake myself up. I NEVER EVER want to experience that again. I felt levels of fear that I've never experienced. Levels of sadness, anger, depression and loneliness. It was all I could do in those seemingly real days being stuck there. I could only let out emotions. And I did! They were stronger, more real, more powerful than I had ever felt in my life. I cried real tears, as my face and eyes were wet when I woke up.
Just a reminder, I felt like I spent at least ten days in that void. Time passed just like it would. It was horrible.
If anybody knows what this was, please, tell me. I want to make sure I don't accidentally come across this gain. How do I stop it if I fall in that void again? Thank you for reading this.
