Cairus
piqued passerby

Non dream|nonlucid|lucid

It's just barely my birthday. I decided to take a short nap.

I lay for a while, body starts twitching, vibrating all over. I start seeing random partial scenes, still unsure as to whether I'm 'far enough in yet' to start building. I try, just a little, to move my body. I'm in SP. Feel like my fingers weigh a ton. Okay, I think, so I'm good to go. I stare into the darkness. Ask myself what I should be doing. Show me something useful. Remind me what to do. Ah! A lightbulb comes over my head. I've never flown. I guess I'll try it. I'm not sure what else to do with myself. I've tried 'flying' before but I just ended up jumping really high, wasn't trying hard enough. Well, here goes. I stand straight and insist that I'm 'like a bullet fired up from the ground'.

Well, I flew alright- STRAIGHT UPWARD. I start SHOOTING into space, weaving between asteroids and past planets. I see Jupiter and Saturn go by. I start going faster and faster, and I'm starting to freak out because the speed is causing 'wind resistance' as I cut through friggen space, and the roaring of it is making my ears hurt really bad. (Wtf.) I say to myself hey, it doesn't matter. It's just a dream. It's not like my ears 'actually hurt'. I try to ignore it. The pain just ramps up.

I feel my head start lolling to the side, sliding down the pillow.

The pain has gotten intolerable. I sigh and stop, floating in space. The ROARing in my ears still continues like I've got the meanest invisible earbuds playing static on max volume. It's like some kind of glitch is happening and I'm still 'hearing wind resistance' even though I'm stationary- and what's worse, it's *in* my ears, not coming from somewhere else.

I feel my hand now also begin to slide off the couch. My body begins to follow it, slowly rolling down onto the floor.

I try to do my usual 'hand crank in the air to turn down the volume'. The volume won't go down. I begin to wonder if something in WL is causing this. The pain doesn't stop. I start to lose my concentration. I feel my center of gravity get all jacked up, like my body is being flipped over.

I hear the halfglass of water and box of tissues get knocked off the foot of the couch by my feet as I roll over and fall, on my back, onto the floor. I lay there for a while, completely still, wondering if I can just keep dreaming regardless. I keep my eyes closed and focus on the planets I'd just seen move by. No dice. I open my eyes and start trying to move, but I'm still coming out of sleep paralysis. (For me, trying to move during sleep paralysis feels BADONG and uncomfortable- like a turd going back up your ass when you're trying to pinch one off.) I lay there for a while with my eyes barely open, unmoving. I look over and see that I've somehow overturned the couch while falling. Sigh.

I wrench myself out of it and get up, to set the couch back upright again. I start clearing the table and cleaning the house like I should've been in the first place. I am grouchy now. The couch is heavier than I expected, I start putting all my weight into shoving it. HRRGHHH

Realize the 'HURGH' discomfort is coming from my body, still in SP, still trying to move. I see the livingroom light behind my eyelids now. I'm awake. I lay there for a while to make sure I'm out of it before I start moving. I get up. DRAT.

NOTES: In the FA, there were several things that should have indicated it wasn't WL, that I failed to notice: 1. I was in my exboyfriend's flannel robe. I went to sleep in a pair of shorts. 2. THE COUCH WAS SIDEWAYS. No matter how hard a 125lb person 'falls off' a 6foot couch, the couch does *not* 'flip over' from the sheer force of them falling off while sleeping. Wtf. 3. I ONLY 'fall off the bed' during FA's! I've only fallen off the bed 'for real' ONE TIME when I was a kid. How would I be 'sliding off the 'bed' during SP?! Derp. 4. The livingroom light was off, and the lamp was on- so it was dark. In WL I'd left all the lights on.

Non-dreamnon-lucidlucid

Kit had described to me a nightmare she had in which there was a family who lived in a home in the middle of the woods. She described that the family overall behaved normally, but that something seemed Very Very Wrong about them. I asked her if, upon waking, she had pinpointed any of the subtleties that might explain the undercurrent of malaise. She mentions that there was melted snow on the lawn, and in the distance the forest is covered in snow, even though it's autumn. They also keep the fire roaring constantly even though the house is sweltering, and the mother is constantly swaddled in down comforters. The bright young daughter repeatedly reminds everyone to 'keep your shoes by the door, just in case!' It's implied that 'something' will come into the house if the place isn't kept very hot. I ask her if she's ever considered revisiting the dream to find out what It is. She says no. I joke about finding out for myself.

My father and I are driving down a long road. As it progresses, we begin weaving through trees. It becomes snowier and snowier, until the veil of white is so encompassing that we can't see where we're going. He stops the car, and we're barely able to see a house off in the distance. He says he's going to go and ask them for help, possibly use their phone, stay right here. When he opens the door to get out, he zones staring into the snowstorm. I ask him 'What's up?' and he says, 'I just... Got a really bad feeling. Bah, nevermind... Hey. Just. Keep the heat running in here, okay? I'll be right back.' I agree and turn the heat on high.

He vanishes into the snow. Inside the car, the heat begins to die. My breath steams up inside. It grows darker, I notice the snow looks less like snow, and more like a blizzard of frozen ash. I hear something moving; the sound of footsteps echoing like stones thrown to the bottom of a deep dry well. They begin circling the vehicle, getting closer. I squint out the window and notice that all around the house, up on the hill, the snow is melted. I realize I'm in Kit's dream.

I pull out my father's business laptop and log on to AIM and start freaking out and asking her what I'm supposed to do to fend off the creature. 'DUDE. I'M IN THE FUCKING ICE PLACE. WHAT DO I DO?' 'wut' 'GOD DAMNIT IT'S COMING FUCK' I hear a strong wind blowing at the door, reaching out for the handle to open it. I slam the lock down. Realize there are three other doors, all still unlocked. It goes for the one behind me, I lock it- but as I'm pushing the lock down, it's already circling around the front and going for the front left. I push that one down, it's already going for the far rear. I hurl my body across the backseat to reach the lock, push it down, landing with my face inches from the window.

What the fuck ARE YOU? A face SLAMS against the window and smears across it. It looks like Ambi(girl who has been behaving like a stalker toward me), but it's more like her corpse, inhabited and puppeted by the ice, partially frozen, blue and wet with rot. Her eye contorts as it smears across the window. I begin to sob. 'There you go, Kit. There you fucking go, it's a SHAPE SHIFTER. It manifests in the form of whatever you're most afraid of, whatever you're most paranoid of, in the moment you see it.' Now that I know what it is, I'm scared thoroughly shitless. Realizing I'm scared has a snowball effect because it means I'm going to lose lucidity, and my ability to steer the dream before I go under.

I have to get out and face the blizzard, and 'fix it' so I stop having this nightmare before my chance is up and I go under. I'm getting rapidly distracted by fear. I open the car door and step out into it, and in a split second I feel my will being whisked away by the blizzard. 'ohfuck ohfuck I have to turn it into something else... Turn into a... a... shit! TURN INTO A BAR OF SOAP!'

I lose control right as the transformation happens. And for a moment actually can't remember why or how the monster turned into a bar of soap, or even that it was a monster. For a few moments I'm terribly confused and start to cry, because 'Oh my god, something is turning people into bars of soap... What the fuck is going on?!!' (note: my non-lucid dream self is usually a blithering idiot) I then remember that 'I'm the one who did this, I turned Ambi into a bar of soap!' despaaairrr, whiiiine! I start beating myself up over how stupid I am, how could I do such a thing- also, I am 'an idiot for choosing a bar of soap, because when the snow melts it will activate the soap, creating liquid soap and suds, the melt will carry it into the gutters and it will travel out to sea and HURT THE ECOSYSTEM OMG'. I bawl on my hands and knees in the snow like a moron. The dream ends.

Now the world is gone, I'm just one...

I wake up in my bed. I am naked, I wonder at the fact that it's already time for me to awaken, since it feels as though I've only just fallen asleep. I'm about to leave my room, but on the way out I lean against the wall near my door, pressing my forehead against it. 'How can I know whether I'm dreaming, or awake? It's all the same... How can I know any of this is even real... Keep sleeping to dream, because I hate my life, hoping I'll come out of it better, with some shred of something I can use, something to inspire, to move, to find an answer, an escape. But sleep just seems to install new bars into this cell. How can I even know I'm not dreaming right now.'

For the fuck of it, I flip the light switch just beneath my head on and off. Nothing happens. I look at the ceiling, the walls. Everything is here. The mask hanging from my door, the books, the silvery rays coming in through the window. I realize I'm not awake, but still asleep. I reflect for a few moments on how detailed and vivid everything is, how 'real' it is, nothing missing. Realizing this doesn't make me happy or excite me, but instead fills me with a feeling of isolation. The walls no longer real, just pictures of walls, the idea that beyond them, isn't a real city, no apartment, no livingroom, no father... Beyond these walls there isn't a home, because these walls aren't real. They're just my memory of them. And what of the real walls? Those don't build a home, either. I'm upset by the lack of comfort, familiarity, of reality, since this 'room' is just a 'ruse'. My malaise deepens as I reflect on how, 'the real thing', isn't actually any better. What was I expecting?

An anatomically correct digital rendering of someone's face, speaking, crying... The 'realness' of it isn't moving, but disturbing, soul-less. It looks so real, it's 'correct', but it isn't. It isn't comforting. It's unnerving, you become suspect of something so... Accurate, but, lifeless. A doll.

I pull on a pair of jeans and start to slide my belt through the loops. I stop partway through fastening the belt, realizing the pointlessness of getting dressed in a world that consists of only me. I think, I don't want to know what's outside of these walls. And I don't have to, I can leave another way. I open the window and remember how I'd been thinking about jumping out of it. Well, now I can. I remember how much I think about punching it until it breaks, when I'm mad. I slide the window as far open as it'll go, but it refuses to open far enough to let me jump out of it, it jams.

So I punch the window. It doesn't give. 'This is MY DREAM, and you BREAK.' I put my fist through it, it shatters, shredding my knuckles open and raking the flesh off my arm as it goes through. My arm is 'reforming' as quickly as it's being torn apart, as I need to thrust several times to knock out all of the leftover shards. Knots of scartissue creep up my arms like ribbons, replacing the gashes. I rip the frame out of the window and toss it behind me.

For a moment I question whether I'm really dreaming, or just having delusions of grandeur before I jump out of a window and kill myself. 'I'm going to fly,' and I close my eyes and rocket out of the window, or so I think. Turns out I actually just jumped REALLY HIGH. I float back down onto a building lined up right beneath my window. Looks like a warehouse. I am alone. I consider making someone to travel alongside me, consider summoning a DC. I start forming one, particles aligning in the air. I delete it before it materializes completely. There's no point. She's hollow. A shell. Like building a robot of a woman. I can't bring myself to do it. I have to just move forward and hope there's something at the end, hope I'll find someone, find somewhere.

The fastest way to the other side of the warehouse is 'through', so I slide the door open and go in. Inside is a 'panic room', the walls made of steel. I hear the door behind me bolt shut. It's silent, just like outside. Nothing, no one, is in here. I shake my head and laugh, egging on my subconscious. 'I can't be kept in here. Is this supposed to make me afraid?' I go to the far wall and sock it. It leaves a huge dent, but no opening. I take my finger and use it as a laser cutter, slicing out portions of the wall until I have a square opening big enough to step through.

It opens up into a roof top. It's a beautiful day. The sun is out. Everything is clean. Deserted. I look down onto the empty streets below. I snap my fingers and people appear. Down below, their cellphones go off, chewing gum, laughing, signing each other, driving, eating, biking, unknowing. I want to believe they're real, that I can save them, have a meaningful interaction with one if I just greet with selective blindness, be the king of ants. But I can't swallow it. I snap my fingers again and they disappear.

I have to keep moving... Find something, anything, other than this horrible quiet, or the alternative- synthetic companionship. I jump from roof top to roof top, on and on for miles... The buildings slowly become more and more decayed, crumbling, wisteria growing through the old concrete and splitting it. I reach the last rooftop. I've reached the 'end'.

It's a white sand beach, with colorful shells scattered about, and then the ocean, all around. This is the land's end, the very end, and there is nothing else. I look around for someone else, some sign of life, evil, good- either, something other than just.... This. I can't stand how beautiful it is, the perfect waves, the flawless sand and sun, but my heart drained of all enthusiasm. The 'perfect day', unthinking, fills me with agony and isolation. I drop to my knees and thrust my hands out in frustration, reel back and start to scream at the sky. I want to eject this pain, vomit all of it out, be capable of feeling something besides 'empty', 'broken'.

My scream starts out as a human scream, faintly echoing back to me through the hollow corridors of the buildings behind me. I keep screaming, and the scream grows into an otherworldly roar, screeching into the perfect blue. The scream develops earthquakes, the sea shoots up around me in spikes of black water, jutting into the sky, which grows dark, and the wind begins to howl. The clouds and the waves, claw at each other, meeting in the air. Lightning snaps all around, dead sea creatures rise, cooked, to the surface. Cyclones form, hurling debris around me. The tide creeps up and fills all of the sea caves, swallows the buildings, swelling higher and higher, engulfing the land, then, crushing it in a fist of water and black ice. The sky has opened up into the sea, reaching into it, an enormous gaping maw.

I get a view of myself from within the mouth of the sky. A tight cylinder around my body upward, is the only space that is dry, a beacon of sand and light in the havoc. I'm on my knees, still screaming, long hair coiling and snapping like snakes around my head. The rest of me is frozen, fingers curled in agony and frustration, as the scream just rolls on and on out of my body. I'm trying to eject everything, purge it, but it just keeps going. I keep screaming hard and harder, waiting to 'run out' of pain, run out of the need to scream, but the pain doesn't go away. I'm trying to 'let out' something that's endless. The world is destroyed, but the pain goes on, never emptying. The cup continues to fountain and overflow.

This is pointless. I stop. The sky reforms, the tide sucks back into the sea, the sand dries, the buildings reappear, the sun peers back through the clouds. There isn't any trace of what just happened, anywhere in sight. No sight of the pain. It's hidden again. Perfect again. Quiet. It feels the same. I lay on my back in the sand, motionless, wishing my life, my dream, would make up its mind. Please start, or just be over with. This isn't living, and this isn't dreaming. It's over. It fades to black.

FIRST DREAM:

Come across news article about 'Roy Spencer', older gay gentleman, now dead, victim of a hate crime. I write an angry article about how if only anyone gave a fuck, maybe this sort of thing wouldn't happen. (The gays can't even get a leg up, this is a huge fking problem, how's a tranny even supposed to deal when a gay man can't even live without being beaten into a casket.) 'We can all sit around and whine and bitch to other gays within our closed social circles about this, but that doesn't solve the real problem- the fucking problem is Out There, in the REAL WORLD, not in the stagnant, 'safe' homosexual microcosms we create for ourselves in big cities! The only reason these exist is to keep us from remembering the truth- that out there, we're fucking sideshow oddities and second class citizens! Did you know his name? Did you? Yeah, if you did, maybe this never would've happened, right? Because no one fucks with the gays in YOUR social circle. So what, we have to know a shit ton of other gays, be part of a buttfking gang in order to be safe, be respected? What about all of the other gays you don't know, the ones you can't protect because you *aren't* sleeping with each other? No matter how big the homo microcosm in San Fran gets, guess what! Roy Spencer is still in bumfk Egypt, Georgia, getting pillaged to death! THINK about that!' I talk to Justin about this within the dream, as we go for a walk through China town on the way to my old home on Kukui Street. He thinks this is all hilarious, and feigns anger to 'get me all riled up', but the only thing that comes of it is I mouth off to him, too, for being white, male, 'straight', cisgendered and middle class, and to top it off, indignant. END.

SECOND DREAM:

Had a birthday celebration marathon that included many of the students from my middle school, years and years back. Part of the fun was driving racecars around on the ice, which was incredibly dangerous, but we didn't care. This was a race we held every year, but this time it was setup so that it would take place on my birthday. Ambi often won, so she was talking smack about how she was the best, 'because my mom's a racecar driver! And quite frankly, I know how to drive!' But one of the blonde girls from my intermediate school, who played the part of 'the new student' showed up on a Kawasaki Ninja and when it came to the race, left Ambi in the dust. She whined incessantly about this. At the end of the race, her and a Bruiser(from Borderlands) had ended up in a draw, so they had a rematch with just the two of them on a track. We had to ride a trailer to a new track since the cars had turned the road on the previous one to slush.

While we were in the motorhome on the way to the new track I was admiring 'the new girl's skin, which was flawless, and I was thinking about telling her to take good care of it, since she looked like she had the potential to age beautifully, but I didn't have the nerve to even talk to her. She seemed to think I was creepy. I was afraid she'd make fun of me. We decided to stop by the side of the frozen desert at a little roadside restaurant, where it was now Scott's(another kid back from middle school) birthday instead of mine. When I turned a dial, all of the seats rotated so that everyone was sitting in a new formation. I arranged everything so that it would be 'perfect'.

Someone had tacked a note above the table I was sitting at, that had UV reactive ink on it that you could only read with a special flashlight. I found the flashlight in my pocket and me, the new girl, and two other guys, one who wasn't me, but looked like I do in WL, read it: 'The people assigned to sit here, Scott actually has huge crushes on. If any of you would be so kind as to strip or at least get topless once he has his seat next to you, well- that would be quite a present now, wouldn't it?' I remember being surprised that this implied Scott was at least bisexual, possibly more into dudes than girls (wtf?) seeing as to how the fraction was 3:1. I was embarrassed, because I'd stripped my wifebeater off before I'd even read the note, since for some reason it was ungodly humid within the diner.

One of the girls across the restaurant whistled and yelled something like, 'Well, he sure is quick to fulfill wishes, isn't he!?' I heard another girl yell, 'God, he's so skinny! You could eat from the depression under his ribs!' I started to turn red and, stuttering, insisted that it wasn't my intent to 'make a show' out of taking my shirt off. I started trying to scramble back into it before anyone else catcalled me, but Scott was already having a seat. The boy who had my face said, 'Aww c'mon dude, don't fuck it up right when he shows up. At least let him get a look at'cha, Skeletor.' Scott overheard this and was mortified, and said, 'Did... did someone tell you something about me that you AREN'T SUPPOSED TO KNOW?' He started to panic.

I didn't want to lie, but I didn't want to give him the impression I was 'undressed for him', either, but I was also afraid my full explanation would seem like a rejection, not to mention being paired with revealing that people had been gossiping about him. I hated the drama and wished I never knew, and that I wasn't here. END.

I was the ambassador from planet Xander(this is a play off my name, 'Ambiria' is a play off of hers).

Ambi was this short squat angry military commander, and was wearing some crazy Xena armor. Her planet was a powdery purple and the surface looked like the moon, with craters in it. She had a squad of angry feminist generals. You know, the 'men are slaves!' and 'vaginas are magnificent!' cliche. I remember feeling like I was in some pretty hostile territory, and the women were giving me a wrathful eye because of my parts. I was trying to keep the mood light and remember thinking, 'Wow, some verrry hostile vaginas up in here...' Their troops were organized in a standing formation, we had a wide berth, but they were all around us, thousands. The foot soldiers, were men.

They had been abducted to fight for the feminist army, under the command of the beautiful angry women. Ambi told me that her planet 'needed my DNA'. I asked her why she needed my sperm, and she explained to me that 'relinquishing your DNA shall be for the greater good of all Ambiria- with it we can create clones of one suitable man, and we can genetically alter him to be more subservient to us as well, and he will be the best putty from which to create the perfect soldier. We will no longer need to force other planets to... persuade... other planets to surrender their newly mature males to us.'

At this point the foot soldiers all around us, all men, also began giving me the evil eye, angry that I'd been 'chosen' by the commander instead of them. Some of them were jeering about how skinny I was, and what a shitty soldier clones of me would make, and they should beat me up, and things. One of the generals shouted 'SILENCE! Or there shall be PAIN!' And all of the men hushed, but continued to stare me down. I asked her why she couldn't just splice DNA from one of her warrior princess generals. She told me 'No! Our soldiers must be men! Women are fit to rule, men know how to follow orders! No self respecting: Ambirian woman would allow herself to be a foot soldier, it is a waste of her intellect!'

I 'paused' the scene.

I said 'hang on, Ambi, can we talk for real for a second?' 'What's up, Alex?' 'What do you think all of this means? I mean I can try to interpret it later, and see what J thinks, but I wanna know what you think. But not your waking self, because I don't wanna deal with it, and there are things I can't say to her, because it's just bullshit drama, and I hate that.' 'Well, what do you think it means?'

'I dunno. It's very weird. I mean, what's with the angry man-hating women who think men 'should be slaves'? If this is all coming out of my subconscious, doesn't it imply in some way that I think women are evil, or... I don't get it. It seems kind of misogynistic, and I worry about that. I don't want to be one of those asshole fucktard misogynistic guys. Is this what I really think about them?'

'Well obviously Alex, this dream just symbolizes that you're refusing to be my boyfriend because you're afraid of commitment, because you're immature. You're just like every other boy, you want an 'open relationship' to cover up that you're just scared shitless of actually committing to me like you're supposed to!' 'What??' ''poly' my ass! You're monogamous like everyone else, you're just too chicken!'

I stuck my finger in her face and said, 'No, you listen here, you stupid ass- I am NOT letting you put that on me, it's classic. 'I want you to worship only me, so if you don't it's because you're a sissy bitch'?! No. Nuh uh. Fucking no. You are such a manipulative little bitch, and you know what? I can't have this conversation with you in person, because your dream self I can bitchslap into oblivion and not care, but in person? YOURE the one who's too much of a pussy to DEAL with how shit really works!''If I talked to your face how I'm talking now, how I really feel half the time, you'd cry and cry and be so hurt, and I would fucking hate myself and regret it and be fucked up for so long, and the damage wouldn't be WORTH IT. I hate this!'

She continued trying to correct me and explain again, because I 'didn't get her point', which was that I was supposed to be monogamous with her, and 'treat her right'. I really hate that I tried to ask for her opinion on themes and symbolism within the dream, and she just twists it to talk about her personal needs and how I'm not fulfilling them, which is completely irrelevant. I'm being kinda 'deep' and shit and she's all 'wahh!'

We went back and forth like that for a bit, me trying to talk about something 'deep', and her saying something self serving and annoying in response. She kept trying, in vain, to 'connect' what I was saying, to what she was saying. i.e., 'so I think I might be dehydrated because the temperature has been up lately causing...' 'it's because you aren't treating me right!' 'that isn't relevant.' 'yes, it is, let me explain...the temperature correlates to.. how you feel about me, and it's... like, rising, which is causing the air to dry out, so it's sapping moisture from your skin, because you aren't closer to me.'

MJ: That's what the dream means, though. The dream is a situation that's familiar to you. You walk into a planet unsuspectingly as a diplomat, and you're faced with a demand and hostility, tangentially involving gender. The "evil feminists" are there because Ambi seems to be of that opinion, because she keeps erecting barriers between you and "real men", cisguys. Ambi leads them, of course. And the "soldiers" are ephemeral partners of Ambi, who do as instructed. But only your sperm is the kind she wants, because it carries the genetic information to make her children "easily controllable". When you try to talk to Ambi about this, she says the same thing. She demands you stop resisting and commit to her, i.e. surrender. The second part is you going "Whoa I don't get this" so your subconscious runs over the same material again, as a dialogue. Your subconscious is sketching an image of Ambi as someone who needs to be the 'center' of a relationship, and who wants to be served.