jellybeanrains
Lurker

i'm watching a girl's story. there is a gas station on the street. she steals a car? or parks it wrongly in the median. something falls apart--- finally her cheating and her lying caches up with her and the truth is revealed. we learn the truth, she was not supposed to have her car there, probably not supposed to have that car at all. she was selling things from it and making her way, as a ticking time bomb. you could tell she was resigned to her fate, just trying to manage while she could. maybe she had also retended to be a teacher, and all the deception ws being revealed. i think it was only revealed when she died on that street.
i'm with a group of people. watching the story unfold. this other girl has a family. two families come together. something terrible had happened in the past to her family. they had all been murdered by the Dothraki....the new family she was becoming a part of brought her in under their wind to comfort her, to be her new family, and to also honor the pain she came from and to bring some sort of retribution to the past pain and injustice.




Comments: i have watched the Game of Thrones series a ton and read the books, so family, honor and death are parts of that, as well as the Dothraki, the feeling of having a clan, and the loyalty of family.
I am currently with a new baby. At this time of my life, I have reconnected with my mother, grandmother and brother SO much, and have been considering their role in my life, and mine in theirs... how much i really want to be part of their lives, and have them in mine. in one way, it's so nice to feel lke a tight knit family again...and also, it is very unsustainable, and i woke up thinking about how everyone could dies very soon...my grandma is 92 and could go any day. my mother is 65, so she will only see this baby to 20 or 30 years old, at the max. and my brother is very sick, and i don't know if he's gonna start getting better and live a long life, or if he will give up on this round. so, i could be without this clan very soon.

maybe this dream is about me losing my family and having a new one take me in. but it almost feels like the new people taking me in could represent my blood family, because they are taking such good care of me right now, when i feel like i can barely take care of myself, let alone a new life.
it could mean to really appreciate family, and to have loyalty to them while i am part of them. to remember to appreciate them while i have them, because they are mine and i am theirs and we won't be around forvever. but also, i can trust that no matter what the next chapter it, and whatever pain i suffer losing my family, i will have a new life, a new family and be held and have my life continue to be supported by community and tribe.

at a restaurant, or at a political meeting that had a restaurant's menu. i was looking at the menu, with my mom. i was trying to decide what to get. there was a pork thing that looked ok, kind of like pork fajitas. but something about it wasn't perfect. the pork looked really plain and boring. there was a sandwich on a huge loaf of bread, it looked gross cause it had too much bread. and it came with this weird rice patty that didnt look good...plus that would be too much starchy in one meal. i asked my mom if there were more choices on the other isle.

i found old pictures, and was going thru. they took a couple seconds of movement. it was some fancy film my mom had gotten me once. i decided i really liked it, and since technologty could handle it these days, i'd get it more often. there were pictures of old guys i used to date. or jessica did. 3 guys, all 3 pretty decent cute. i went into the memory, and got the 2 cutest so we could hook up or kiss or something. they seemed to be remembering me, a little playing uninterested, but they came with me.

at this political thing with my mom and other people. a lady gets a bouquet. she asks where she should put it, should it be displayed in a certain way for the event's benefit? no, the flowers are just for her own personal use in whatever way she would like, the event has enough
bouquets of its own. so she is happy, and tries to find a vase to keep them in. i look with her. there are two vases. one looks much to big and wide. so i pick the other one. she wants to keep the flowers private for herself. wheni put them in the vase, part of the boquet gets smushed in the sides because the side flowers are too short and go too deep into the vase so the glass covers them. i'm disappointed, and know she must not be satisfied with that. i think maybe the wide one would be better, even if it is too big, at least the wideness wouldnt smush the flowers. but i think the boquet might already be somewhat damaged, so it wont even be as pretty as it was. the side flowers were pretty delicate




notes:
just got home from moms, back at my house. barely got any sleep. stayed up all night reading about dreams and lucid dreaming, wanting to do that.

dreamt about my mom, political event and food because my mom is really invovled in politics right now and always going to events for it, and food because i am on a new diet with my brother that is low carb/starch/sugar. the flowers were like when i volunteer at the farmer's market and bill gives us a boquet of flowers as a thank you to take home with us.
i dont know why i dreamt of the boys or photos. maybe because i was looking at photos on my computer last night, and i wouldnt mind some male companionship. amanda did just send an email saying how she thinks i really do want sex and a man, just am not focusing on it right now.

what this dream could mean: i want to fulfill my desires, i want to make the right choices, but sometimes the choice doesn't even seem to be 'on the menu' or available, so i just have to settle for something that won't be too bad. i'm learning what i want and what things i like and starting to make decisions about how i want my life to be and how i want to spend my time. (like recording my dreams again and doing dream work and trying to lucid dream etc) i have a desire to help people and i think i am recieving a good thing, nice insights, great talent, opportunities etc, but i dont have the right "container" for them, to support the life i desire, maybe not living in the right place, dont have the right community, or enough energy, etc....need to find the right container because i feel like the delicate beauty in my life is being spoiled and not seen.