Torturing nightmares for 2 years, won't stop.

My ex left me for another guy 2+ years ago. I'm not over her. Trying very hard to get over her but to no avail. I'm generally depressed but this makes it harder and enhances the depression, that's fine though, I've been combating depression since I was 13 (MDD). But that's not the hard part. I can cope with the depression and missing her, thinking about her everyday and etc.. it's the reoccurring dreams. I can't make them stop. I've had them for 2 years now and they never ever stop. Constantly. 95% of all my dreams are about her. Some are horrible, where I dream about her leaving me or her with her new boyfriend. But some are bliss, I dream about our time together or even that she takes me back. I don't want her back in reality, she left me under not so nice circumstances. But in my dream I have no sense of this, in my dreams all I feel is bliss and happiness when I'm together with her. Except the horrible dreams (they are horrible most of the time).

I've read about reoccurring dreams and how you can try to make them go away, everywhere I look I get the advice that I need to figure out what the dream is telling me... and obviously it's that I want here back still or that I should get over her, move on and accept things for what they are. I try and try to get over her, I do thinking exercises and go through our relationship in my head. Trying to recompile my feelings, to no avail. I try to move on (after she left me I had a new girlfriend for a year but I never loved her, I later realized it was just a charade to dampen the pain, to fool myself that I had moved on). Getting her back is out of question, my subconsciousness doesn't realize that she has moved to the other side of the planet to live with her new bf... I seriously don't know what I should do. It's ruining every aspect of my life and I feel terrible. I sleep horribly and wake up extremely depressed every morning. I'm starting to see only one way out. Please help.

Feel free to ask anything.

HI what i'm reading is that your over her but haven't got to resolve unfinished business. what I mean there are probably things that were left unsaid or you didn't get to say !! and dating someone else is great but your not feeling it cause these people aren't meeting your exspectations of your ex. you should find someone that has potential like when u met her :)

I'm not sure that I'm over her. Partially maybe. I'm very ambivalent about it, I don't want her back after how she treated me and what we went through during her breaking up with me but at the same time I'm longing back to what we had even though I know that is gone. I can never get those feelings back, everything is destroyed and I will never get it back.

You might be right that there might be some things that are unsaid, but I don't know what I would say. After she left me things got complicated and she wouldn't talk to me and we sort of just ignored each other. I feel that she was very cold towards me when she broke it off and didn't care for my emotions, only her own. I haven't talked to her since then but have a common friend with her, he tells me stuff about her new life from time to time and it hurts every time. I have no idea what I would say and I don't think she wants me to contact her. I have tried contacting her once but either she didn't get the request or ignored me, so I gave up on it.

I still love who she was and can't let go of that image in my head. And you are right, nothing compares to her. I had a lot of trust issues with her and we had a couple of problems when she would be talking to other guys and she left me for another guy she had been talking to... so she is far from perfect, she was unloyal and thus that has ruined me. I have insane trust issues now.

Deep inside I just want to let her know how much I loved her and she was the best thing to happen in all of my life. That she changed me in ways no one else could. But I feel that wouldn't be wise, considering we haven't talked and that she has seriously moved on.

My dreams might stop if I talk to her, I don't know how. My dreams might stop if I move on, I don't know how. My dreams might stop if I forget about her, how could I ever do that?

I believe you should talk to her, just tell her all you need, be done with that because it is obviously troubling you. If you have her email, maybe try writting her, just tell her everything you wanted. If you are wanting or expecting her to answer, then I think that is your problem. The fact that it is over and that you need to move on are pushed upon you since day, but I believe your heart,soul and mind want a sort of a confirmation, that the relationship of you two has at its time been something great, when reading it feels as tho your mind is partially stuck in past, in a memory where you felt good, fullfiled, amazing and is denying to accept something like that,that feels so right is over. That and the fact that after all you two had you did not have a chance to even tell her how you feel. That is why I think you should simply write to her, but do not focus or hope that she will reply.Do it for yourself, so you can release the accumulated pain and words that are bothering you for so long.
Other then writting to her, I suggest you give yourself time. Do not push yourself into supposedly happy, good enviroments on purpose, do not try to fabricate fake happiness.Doing this might be the reason that the dreams are reoccuring. Take time to heal. I have been in a similar situation like you in life, in fact, I have been on both sides of this story and what really helped me was just being, not faking that I am happy, not faking that I am not in pain, not believing my life ended, just living my life one step at a time, not letting anything beat me and a fair amount of dreaming.
I wish you all the best and it will get better!

I almost feel like writing to her will stir up my emotions even more. I don't know if I'm scared or just don't want to disturb her. Don't want to remind her of me. She has a new life without me in it. A happy life. And I have nothing. Some things might be unsaid but maybe it's for the best. I didn't take her leaving me very well and my response might have been a little bit too much. It's a weird mix of being ashamed and in complete despair and I'm afraid of her opinion of me even though I shouldn't care. I don't want to be a sad excuse intruding into her perfect new life. You are right, I'm living in the past. I haven't let my memories of her go, and it's her (the memory) I want to talk to, that I want back. Reaching out to her now won't accomplish much I fear.

I can't lie, I want to know when she stopped loving me, how much she loved me. Why did she stop caring about me? Why didn't she talk to me after? She had someone new, was I worth nothing all of a sudden? Everything I had done for her, was it worth nothing at all? Now that she didn't need me was my emotions not important? Did I do something wrong? Could I had done something differently?

I don't know if it would help me to know these things. But I know that I don't want to signal her with my unhappiness and sorrow. I don't want to show my despair and beg for answers. I just want the dreams to stop so I can forget her, so I can move on and live a life without pain. If that requires me to talk to her I don't know what to do, I'm not ready for that. It's been over two years, in despair and depression that is a long time, a very long time. I always wished time would heal it, but how much time is required, I've waited, how much more should I wait. I don't know how much time I have.

I'm starting to think that there is nothing I can do. Talking to her is too hard. And I don't think she would want me to.

There's an old trick my mom told me about from way back in the day that might help. Write a letter to her - say everything you want to say to her, and then 'deliver' it into a trash can. But as you're writing it think of it as if you'll actually mail it to her. You can get a lot of repressed stuff of your chest this way, and it might actually get into your subconscious as if you actually said it to her (the sub-c doesn't know the difference).

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Originally Posted by Darkmatters

There's an old trick my mom told me about from way back in the day that might help. Write a letter to her - say everything you want to say to her, and then 'deliver' it into a trash can. But as you're writing it think of it as if you'll actually mail it to her. You can get a lot of repressed stuff of your chest this way, and it might actually get into your subconscious as if you actually said it to her (the sub-c doesn't know the difference).

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I will try this, thanks.

Hello, I don't know if anyone cares but I just wanted to update on some potential progress which I think you guys helped me with.

Tonight was the first night in 2 years that I didn't dream of her. It felt amazing. It's just slight progress but compared to the usual dreams it was such a relief. It was still influenced by her but my mindset in the dream and after I woke up was compared was night and day.

In my dream I dreamed that I was a journalist for a gaming site/newspaper (which I'm not in any way in real life, I could also fly for some reason). I was free to interview any Starcraft 2 player I liked. So I flew to this one player. This player that I choose was a girl named "Starz" (doesn't exist in real life, made up in dream). Now she looked like my ex (with slight alteration) but it wasn't her. In my dream I was constantly aware and convinced that this was a player named Starz that played protoss. I think I was slightly aware that she looked like my ex but it wasn't my ex. I arrive at her house and present myself and let her know that I want to do an interview for this site/magazine. She's okay with that and I start asking her why she stopped playing Starcraft, because after talking a little bit to her she tells me that she started playing World of Warcraft instead a couple of weeks ago. This shocks me and I ask her why one of the best protoss players in the Starcraft scene would waste her time with such a bad game. She becomes flattered and falls of her chair. Now, the room we're in is strangely enough my old bed room in my childhood home. She's sitting on a 2 meter high chair and I'm sitting in my old bunk bed next to her, that layout is very illogical. I reach and catch her hand as she's falling from the 2 meter high chair and "save" her. I help her up. In this room is another guy (her brother) and she points to him and says he told her to stop playing and start with Wow. I wake up shortly after this.

This is a really pointless dream but I still wanted to write it down even if no one cares. It was really nice to dream something new for a change and I think you guys helped me with that, thanks. I hope this is the first step towards some change.

I am glad you finally had a night of relief and I hope it continues.

Well for me. I got to talk to my ex and let out all the steam I had pinned up inside me. The thing that bothered me the much was thinking she was going to hell. But ya this sound like you have alot of things you want to get out but have no way too. And, inturn that seep's into your dreams of a way of letting it out. Man, this is tricky...I would suggest that you atleast date and try to move on I know you have heard this but, there is hope.

Agony42, Im glad you decided to come to these forums with your story. Coincidentally, I have been having recurring dreams about one of my exes for the past couple years as well. My story is slightly different however.
All the dreams of her involve this same emotion. Its like I am reliving the happiest moment he had together in every dream. This is where it gets interesting. I have also been having dreams with that same feeling, but with women I have never met. They are women whom I would consider "my type" or a "dream girl" if you will, pardon the pun. They are beyond beautiful, and that same alluring, entrancing emotion accompanies them.
Here is my take on this:
There are emotions that we feel when we are around specific people. We feel them because we are able to open a place in ourselves whenever those particular people are around. In dreams however, that limitation is gone. We can feel whatever emotion in whatever degree possible. The possibilities are truly endless. My point being, that these people show us pieces of ourselves and we feel a certain way being around them.
There are a couple ways to go about solving this issue. One is to find someone else that satisfies those desires. There are many people that open those emotional doors, even though everyone has different and very unique effects on us.
The other solution which I favor, is to explore those feelings through dreams, and daytime activities in order to be able to find that place myself. That doesn't mean it takes away all desire and need for companionship. What it does mean is I have found a way to relieve the obsession. After many dreams, I have finally come to a place where I can interact with that part of me without it being negative or oppressive.
There are a lot of mitigating factors that I won't go into, but the best thing to do in my opinion is to explore these images in dreams and in your thoughts. That will show you where the need is coming from, then you can devise a way to deal with the issue.
One final note: some people choose to suppress these emotions through various means. The key here is to bring them to the surface so they can be properly addressed.

Hope to hear from you soon!

Upon reading the first post, I was thinking you should forgive her for whatever. Forgive her 490 times in total and you'll have some relief (Take it in seven or ten forgiveness intervals.) And I still think you should do this when anyone wrongs you; The more you do it, The quicker you may learn to do it and the less you'll let your anger control you.

I then kept reading. Correct me if I'm wrong but it appears you're trying to figure out what she's thinking without asking her. Any time I've tried to figure out what my Father was thinking (Particularly when I was angry,) I usually turned sour myself and I'd sometimes burst with ignorant, But unmerciful and hateful anger.

And I don't believe your dreams are meaningless. Why see point in one and call another meaningless? You may think of dreams some time later and know what they mean or meant at the time. Recently, I figured out something that makes sense with recurring nightmares I had about five years ago which were of me being stuck scared in a graveyard in the middle of the night outside the city walls with zombies roaming around and I believe it was parallel with me playing Xbox Live among people who treated me (And many others) badly. (I no longer own a working Xbox.)