Recurring dream - don't want to act on it...

To make sure this makes sense, I'll start at the beginning and try to keep it brief - although I already know I'm gonna go long on detail!

Essentially, I feel like this recurring dream is just reminding me of a missed opportunity, or even some dormant feelings of mine. But because of my situation, I'm apprehensive about acting on it and would actually like some advice or guidance.

At my old place of work (two years ago! which makes the recurrence of this dream all the more bizarre), a new guy (let's call him C) started working there and we got on really well. We both had Irish names and connected on this. We would hang out at lunchtimes or chat or wave whenever we came across one another. Often we had some pretty interesting and deep conversations. We used to really make each other laugh, too. We also had a good group of work friends going at this point, and I enjoyed the energy and camaraderie.

However, more and more I started to feel this connection (or just attraction) growing. We worked in an art gallery, which provided some interesting moments - for instance, I was standing chatting with a colleague, and as we chatted I looked through a large glass exhibit and saw C on the other side, looking right back at me across the room. We lingered, looking at each other, for a few seconds but what felt like a minute.

There were a few times like this where we would acknowledge one another, or greet one another merely through eye contact, drawing towards each other.

I would be talking to friends and see him walk past, looking at me. I would walk past him and he would look at me. Whether or not this was just him waiting for me to look over and acknowledge him, I'm not sure.

The biggest issue here was that I was already in a long term relationship, with someone who also worked in the gallery (oops!) but in a different department and usually in another branch. To begin with I kept this in mind and, as C and I got on so well and I generally thought he was pretty cool and funny either way, worked really hard not to feel anything for him. This made me anxious around him (I'm an anxious person anyway) - especially when, one day at home, I found myself thinking of him romantically and realised that yes, I did like him. This just exacerbated things.

For a while this caused me to get weird and awkward. C was extremely handsome (and he knew it - girls would ask for his number all the time; people would exclaim, "He is gorgeous!" when he left the room), and while I am attractive as well, I have never had high self esteem and felt like he would never dream of being attracted to me. I feel like this element plays an important part in my recurring dream. There was a time, though, when I was talking to another colleague and they said they had heard someone talking about me, saying "Oh! She's so beautiful!" I asked who it was, but she told me she wouldn't. Obviously my mind went haywire and I really, really hoped it had been C she'd overheard.

Once C and I were sat having break together, and a colleague was stood behind me talking to C about his weekend plans. His family had been to visit and she asked how that went, and he said it went fine. Then she asked, "And...??" in a really interested, insinuating tone. C replied, "Later." As I couldn't see her or his expression as I was reading the newspaper, I assumed she was asking about a potential romantic interest.

In the meantime I handled myself better and was able to get on with C as before. We were working alongside one another one day and he told me he had been to see a, in his words, "lady friend" at the weekend. I said that sounded nice and carried on as before, although never spoke about my boyfriend. I used to have a habit of obsessing over other crushes, especially when with the particular boyfriend I was with now, and would even actively pursue other people (obviously we since broke up and I've realised how little I must have really loved or respected that boyfriend, which is a shame). However, I would still fantasise about C and he held a constant in my mind, even though I never acted on it.

This is when the dreams began. One particular week, every single night I had a dream about C. I forget the actual content of them now but they would certainly feature him in some way, we'd be talking or whatever but he featured every time.

I realise that, as I was thinking about him so much and so obsessively, it is almost certain that this caused me to dream about him so frequently. The dreams came now and then, and by this point I was pretty besotted. However, now that I knew he was unavailable, something changed. I never knew if he was aware I had a boyfriend, nor was I sure what lead to the following event...

Perhaps we were just really close work friends. We had a work Christmas party, and I arrived late with a friend. My boyfriend was at the party already, but my mind was set on C (shameful, I know). When we arrived, already a little drunk, I found him and we had a hug - and when I squeezed him harder, he squeezed back. Something I did not expect. I might add that C did not drink. Later on, I was chatting to somebody else and C walked past. I reached out and he came over quickly and we instantly put our arms around each other. It was awesome.

A large group of us moved on to a nearby bar when the party finished. Both C and my boyfriend were there. At one point, when I was walking into the bar I called out my boyfriend's name, in a ridiculous drunken way, and it must have sounded like C's actual name, because he went "Yes, yes okay, I'm coming", and followed me in.

Then we were sat at a table - I was being a drunk idiot and after this night had been pretty sure there was no way C would be attracted to me - and somebody said, "So where is this boyfriend of yours?" My boyfriend was sat on the table behind, so I introduced them and, feeling a pang of guilt (at both neglecting my boyfriend and revealing to C that I had a partner, even though I wasn't sure there was actually anything going on between us...??) I spent the rest of the night with them. I didn't see C again that night.

After that, something changed. For some reason I was mortified, like I had done something wrong to C, and so began asking for work at another branch of the gallery.

One day I had a day off but came in with my brother to see an exhibition. I was standing in the entrance looking for my boyfriend, who would normally be nearby, and I could see C some distance away, talking to a colleague but looking at me. Another time I came in to meet my boyfriend, and out the corner of my eye again, C was standing alone, but he looked at me and then moved carefully behind a wall. However, I still felt embarrassed and was actively making the situation awkward myself.

Although I did see him at an exhibition of mine and a few colleague's work. We said hello, and he hugged me and gave a kiss on the cheek. We talked for a bit, but my boyfriend was present. He also had a girl with him, who I didn't recognise but out of the corner of my eye looked like a fellow colleague who was also exhibiting. I had looked forward to seeing him and my looks had certainly improved and I felt much more confident since we last met. However, this moment being sated, I went home with my boyfriend and brought my mind back to the present.

After that we didn't see each other. A month or so later, an email went round that C was leaving. I left soon after, and by that time had worked hard to forget about him. Even when I broke up with my boyfriend a few months later, I never thought of contacting him. In my mind, I had been an anxious, freaky idiot and he wasn't even interested in me anyway. The dreams had long since stopped.

I can't remember when it was, but my mind was wandering back to him (this is last year now, so some time after it had happened and I had since had other love interests) and somehow my brain put two-and-two together and figured that he had actually been interested in me all along. The hugs at the Christmas party, the eye contact, the connection, his piqued interested when I started talking about a previous boyfriend...

Now, in my mind, I feel like I missed out on letting my feelings be known to C. The situation was clearly not right, with the timing bad for both of us. After this I might have had the odd dream about him but stowed the remaining feelings away, feeling like there wasn't much point pining over something which happened in the past.

Two years on, I am in a relationship with someone I actually love and have respect for, and therefore have not pursued or even flirted with others. We recently went on a two week holiday, which was incredible and we had fun.

One night during the holiday, lo and behold, I dreamt of C. In the dream I was searching for him in a busy environment. I found him and we talked throughout the rest of the dream, although what else happened I don't recall.

I enjoyed the rest of the holiday with my boyfriend, but the feeling of yearning and searching that I had felt in the dream towards C remained in the back of my mind.

I returned home a few days ago. Last night, I dreamt of C again - but the dream was more sinister. The dream started with my boyfriend, and a long story short, he was trying to kill me. I escaped him in the dream and woke up, but soon fell asleep and back into the same dream. I had escaped, and was joining a party where I knew C would be. I hung out with him and a group of people, and we got on well and it was actually fun. At one point in the dream, C had given me a note, pretending that he wouldn't be able to see me again. But I found him again and we stayed together the rest of the dream, hanging out. The dream ended with us hugging tightly, him behind me, and I woke up feeling such a strong, lovely connection. When I fully awoke and realised I was alone in bed and not with C, I was overcome with sadness and yearning.

It has been two years since I last saw C, and I have no idea whether he is in a relationship now or has even moved out of the city. Last time I heard, he was working in another gallery where another former colleague started working (and where I actually came very very close to getting a job at before all this! Another missed opportunity). I have thought now and then of stopping by and hopefully finding him.

My boyfriend and I have been through a tough time recently, and I have worked hard to restore my trust in him. But these dreams of C are so upsetting and I know that in real life, that "love connection" will most likely not exist, although the yearning for him, in moments like that I am experiencing now, is still strong.

Should I track him down? Even if I do, and if the conversation goes so that I am able to tell him that I think about him, have always "held a candle" for him, and even maybe that I dream of him (which is already a bad idea), what good would that do? I have a boyfriend who I am committed to. He probably has a girlfriend who he is committed to. What's more, what if my initial doubt was correct - that he never wanted me to begin with?

I just want to act and put a stop to these dreams!