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    Thread: Favorite Quotes

    1. #26
      What a delicious beating! Lomebririon's Avatar
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      Courage is the resistance of fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.
      This one is probably my most favourite quote.

      Nice one Lost Soul. By the way, how's that "Re-evaluating your life" thing going? I haven't heard from you in a while and i'm curious.
      The best times of your life should not be when you're still so young, or else you'll live a life always dreaming of the past.


    2. #27
      Member :: astounded ::'s Avatar
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      My quote collection is randomly displayed here:
      http://www.markfulton.com/index.php?pg=writing
      [link removed]

      The dream is real, my friends. The failure to realize it is the only unreality.
      Adopted by Lomebririon

    3. #28
      Member A Lost Soul's Avatar
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      Originally posted by Lomebririon
      Courage is the resistance of fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.
      This one is probably my most favourite quote.

      Nice one Lost Soul. By the way, how's that \"Re-evaluating your life\" thing going? *I haven't heard from you in a while and i'm curious.
      Thanks! Things are ok, I suppose. I haven't disappeared entirely... I just got quiet.

      Another one of my favorites:
      “Honey, there are a lot of things you can give a man. Your body, your time, even your heart. But the one thing you can never let go of is your power.”
      –Lady Heather (CSI, 2x31 - Slaves of Las Vegas)

      And yes, I am the biggest CSI geek on the face of the planet. (not Miami though, that one sucks because David Caruso's acting talent is about the same as a peanut butter sandwich)

      “Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.”
      - Kurt Cobain (1967 – 1994)

    4. #29
      What a delicious beating! Lomebririon's Avatar
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      Hey, don't knock David Caruso, he's not so bad. I like CSI: Miami... and peanut butter sandwiches.

      Another cool one I saw a while ago that made me laugh to myself was:

      I am a good housekeeper, I leave a man and I keep his house.
      - Zsa Zsa Gabor

      Funny yet unsettling.
      The best times of your life should not be when you're still so young, or else you'll live a life always dreaming of the past.


    5. #30
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      FF9 "Virtue - You Don't Need A Reason To Help People",

      "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned."
      - Buddha


      "An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind."
      - Buddha

      "Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without."
      - Buddha

      "Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared."
      - Buddha

      Virtue - You Don't Need A Reason To Help People...

    6. #31
      Member Identity X's Avatar
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      "Orangatangagram!"
      -Dom Joly

      "No flag or uniform has ever stopped a bullet from a gun"
      -Gary Moore

    7. #32
      Member Identity X's Avatar
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      This is something I wrote when I was bored one night without even thinking:

      "If someone gave you some money, then a week later asked for it back, won't you be willing to give it back? So why, what I give you life, are you upset when I take it? I give you life and ask for nothing in return. So why are you unwilling to give love and ask for nothing in return? Yet I give you something in return and still you are unwilling."

    8. #33
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      You want to know how to make God laugh? Tell him your plans...

      A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world...
      How many are there...

    9. #34
      Member Xisdence's Avatar
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      man who run in front of car get tired
      man who run behind car get exhausted

      dunno were i got it form
      n00bs i love you
      Pics
      http://www.myspace.com/xisdence
      Sig pic made by aquanina
      wuv ya

      http://server3.uploadit.org/files/Xisdence-xissig.jpg

    10. #35
      moderator emeritus jacobo's Avatar
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      ultimately, it is the desire, not the desired, that we love.
      loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
      all are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
      the road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards.
      if you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
      if there is no god, who pops up the next kleenex?
      the reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
      there is no pre-defined moral or spiritual essence to humanity except that which we make for ourselves.
      men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction.
      the fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
      in vino veritas.
      you can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
      argue for your limitations and sure enough, they're yours.
      praise is more intrusive than blame.
      if you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
      when things are peaceful, the warlike person trips over himself.
      clear eyes. strong hands.

    11. #36
      Member Krippe's Avatar
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      Fuck everyone else, you die alone anyway[/b]
      it was on someones sig. dont remember who's tho.

      Ok, i'll give you 10 free punches and money to the cab, then i'll come after you![/b]
      my dad after i've been picking a fight with him
      <div align="center">Raised by: O'nus</div>
      <div align="center">Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing, Doubting,
      dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before
      </div>

    12. #37
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      Claim you humanity or you will become a statistic... -Fight Club[/b]
      I think that one is truly an eye opener...

      I refuse to kneel before the sights to choose to see!- Incubus[/b]
      It's a lifestyle...

      We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives.-Fight Club[/b]
      You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else -Fight Club[/b]
      It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything.-Fight Club [/b]
      The things you own end up owning you.[/b]
      And then, something happened. I let go. Lost in oblivion. Dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom. [/b]
      No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide. [/b]
      Reject the basic assumptions of civilization, especially the importance of materiel possessions. [/b]
      Little bits of truth that are so real they actually hurt....

      The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it. [/b]
      In this paragraph, could the word 'Matrix' be substituted by society? Something to think about when bashing the movie...

      More to come...
      If I hadn't made me
      I'd be more inclined to bow
      Powers that be would have swallowed me up
      But that's more than I can allow...

    13. #38
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      hope you like:

      The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance.
      -Socrates (469 BC - 399 BC)[/b]
      \"When I was a child
      I caught a flecting glimpse
      Out of the corner of my eye
      I turned to look but it was gone
      I cannot put my finger on it now
      The child is grown
      The dream is gone
      And I have become
      Comfortably numb\"
      -Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb (The Wall)[/b]
      \"You laugh and me because i'm different, I laugh at you because your the same.\"
      -ph33r[/b]
      \"It hung in the air exactly like a brick doesn't\"
      -Douglas Adams (The Ultimate Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy)[/b]
      \"Time is an illusion -- lunchtime doubly so.\"
      -Douglas Adams (The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy)[/b]
      \"Legalize it!\"\"
      -Cypress Hill's Legalize It (Black Sunday)[/b]
      \"I never let my schooling get in the way of my education\"
      -Mark Twain[/b]
      -lor4x
      I AM alaurast78'S FATEFULL <STRIKE>SERVANT</STRIKE> ADOPTEE :-)

      "The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance.". -Socrates

    14. #39
      Member Gwendolyn's Avatar
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      "The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you."
      - Jack Handey

      "Folks still remember the day Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon it was bouncing higher and higher. The tire popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept on bouncing. Some say it bounced clear over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar"
      - Jack Handey

      If you rob a bank, and your pants fall down, its okay to laugh. and let your hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.

      - Jack Handey
      Shine on, you crazy diamond!

      Raised: The Blue Meanie, Exobyte

      Adopted: MarcusoftheNight

    15. #40
      Member Joseph_Stalin's Avatar
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      "War does not determine who is right; only who is left." -Betrand Russel

      "Patriots always talk of dying for their country and never of killing for their country." -Bertrand Russell

      "Every man's life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one man from another." -Ernest Hemingway

      "He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare, And he who has one enemy will meet him everywhere." -Ali ibn-Abi-Talib

      "The real and lasting victories are those of peace, and not of war." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

      "If a man does his best, what else is there?" -General George S. Patton

      "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." -Napoleon Bonaparte

      "There are only two forces in the world, the sword and the spirit. In the long run the sword will always be conquered by the spirit." -Napoleon Bonaparte

      "He conquers who endures." -Persius

      "Death solves all problems--no man, no problem." -Joseph Stalin

      and sig vvvvvvvvv

      "In the end, the lord shalth return in full regulation Soviet Uniform, hailing Lenin as thy true messiah." -Siberian Revealations

    16. #41
      Member A Lost Soul's Avatar
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      oh i am a lonely painter
      i live in a box of paints
      i'm frightened by the devil
      and i'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid.
      i remember that time you told me
      "love is touching souls"
      surely you touched mine
      'cause part of you pours out of me
      in these lines from time to time.
      ~Tori Amos, "A Case of You"

      My moral standing is lying down.
      ~NIN, "Only Time"

      Give me peace, love, and a hard cock.
      ~Tori Amos, "Professional Widow"

      The poetry that comes from the squaring off between and the circling is worth it, finding beauty in the dissonance.

      Doomed to crumble unless we grow and strengthen our communication.
      ~Tool, "Schism"

      When will we learn? When will we change?
      Just in time to see it all fall down.
      Those left standing will make millions
      writing books on the way it should have been.
      ~Incubus, "Warning"

      “Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.”
      - Kurt Cobain (1967 – 1994)

    17. #42
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      From my quotes document.

      "Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "
      ~ Charlie Brown.

      "Anger is a tool, like a razor edged sword. Its not to be wielded bluntly like a mace."
      ~ Daeraug Van&#96;Perce

      "The world needs dreamers and the world needs doers. But above all, the world needs dreamers who do."
      ~Sarah Ban Breathnach

      "A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
      ~Groucho Marx

      “I like to let my mind wander… It hasn’t come home yet.”
      ~Serinanth Van&#96;Perce

      "What we do in life... echoes throughout eternity"
      ~Maximus Decimus Meridius

      "Because I have found. All that shimmers is sure to fade... away... again."
      ~Shimmer by Fuel

      "Duty is everything,
      the greatest of joys,
      the deepest of sorrows."
      ~Aribeth de Tylmarande

      "No act of love is ever wasted."
      ~A Lost Soul

      Cookson Family Motto – Nil Desperandum (Never Despair)

      "There will be times in your life that you leave your friends behind, but they will be there when you get back. Life moves on and things change... but true friendships will always be there waiting for you."
      ~ Penny Matos

      "We are here on earth to do good to others.
      What the others are here for, I dont know."
      ~W H Auden

      "A knight is sworn to valor.
      His heart knows only virtue.
      His blade defends the helpless.
      His might upholds the weak.
      His word speaks only truth.
      His wrath undoes the wicked."

    18. #43
      Member Kuki's Avatar
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      my sig

      "Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side. "

      "When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?' " - Sydney Harris

      "People know the cost of everything but the value of nothing. " -Oscar Wilde

      "The sound of a kiss is not so loud as that of a cannon, but its echo lasts a great deal longer. " - Oliver Wendell Holmes

      "Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. " - Franklin P. Jones

      "Keep your face to the sunshine and you will not see the shadows " - Helen Keller

      "People find life entirely too time-consuming. " - Stanisław Jerzy Lec

      And my favourite:
      "Friends are God&#96;s way of apologizing for our families"
      Remember that happiness is a way of travel, not a destination. - Roy Goodman

    19. #44
      Member Gwendolyn's Avatar
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      ..".the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!' "
      Jack Kerouac

      I've had to guess at her, sewing her skin together as I sew mine, though with a different stitch.
      - Adrienne Rich

      you've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face and show the world all the love in your heart. Then people are going to treat you better. You're going to find, yes you will, that you're beautiful as you feel.
      - Carole King

      If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like ‘Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!’ and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, ‘That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.’ Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
      - Jack Handey

      If a cop pulls you over for speeding and comes over and askes you how fast you were going, a good thing to say is 'I dunno, i was speeding the whole time.'
      - Jack Handey

      Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.

      - Jack Handey
      Shine on, you crazy diamond!

      Raised: The Blue Meanie, Exobyte

      Adopted: MarcusoftheNight

    20. #45
      Member baconmastermind's Avatar
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      "When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy."
      Jack Handey

    21. #46
      Bio-Turing Machine O'nus's Avatar
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      Jack Handey Quotes

      I think out of all my uncles, my favorite uncle is uncle caveman. I like unclecaveman because he lives in a cave and sometimes he'd eat one of us. But then we realised that he was really a bear.

      I bet an indian that if you shot an old lady with an arrow, and she fell over and shot herself with a shotgun, that'd be like the top thing you could do.

      My first instinct when I see on old lady fall on the street, is to point and laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she landed on me, then that wouldn't be good, so I don't laugh.

      I hope that if dogs take over the world, they don't make the largest dog the president of the world, because I get there's a chihuahua with some pretty good ideas.

      To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

      If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)?

      One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting late.

      People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapcable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just a big field full of holes?

      Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about then thousand bees. Whe he says "I'll try," five thousand bees. ("I can," one bee.)

      I'd rather be rich than stupid.

      If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.

      People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blonde hair.

      Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

      Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

      Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our "stink" around. The second is we both get hit by cars a lot. The third is stripes.

      Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers.

      I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.

      Laurie got offended when I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her food tasted like.

      I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?

      It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

      Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

      He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun."

      Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

      Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It's simple, it comes from the earth, and it can kill you if you disobey it.

      I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.

      In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

      Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.

      If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look, he's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

      I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much. You know what the secret to life is? You must never let yourself become too fond of eggplant quiche.

      You know when those things get, like, stuck way back in your teeth, you know - really far back, and you can't get it out even with a tooth pick, and when you dig in there really hard with both hands and everyone in the restaurant is looking at you. I hate that.

      Sometimes when the odds are against you, when the chips are down, and you don't think you can do it anymore, when your friends have gone home and there's no one left, a nice cold coke tastes really good.

      I remember when my dad used to take me to Vegas, and we'd get drunk and party, and usually get arrested. Wait, my dad wouldn't have done that... who was that?




      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------



      To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big "thing." This is truth, to me.

      I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!

      If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, "A girl!? You must have me mixed up with THAT dork!" and point to another father.

      Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers.

      If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

      I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.

      Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.

      As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch For Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch For PRETTY Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke---just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

      If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

      I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?

      I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

      I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

      If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.

      I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise, it makes no sense.

      If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

      I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

      I hope that after I die, people will say of me: &#96;&#96;That guy sure owed me a lot of money.''

      Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.

      As the light changed from red to greeen to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

      I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected president.

      Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

      How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

      If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really start to annoy you after a while how they really sort of stretch the definition of "bag."

      The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile.

      People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair.

      What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lie down and go to sleep.

      Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.

      When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

      Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

      The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.

      If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we're not going to hurt it.

      If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.

      If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

      To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

      You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood.

      I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our "friend."

      It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.

      I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

      If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

      To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was a flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the surrender.

      Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

      Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?" (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.)

      As the evening sun faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

      Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

      If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

      If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help: "Black-and-white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella."

      The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."

      If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

      To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

      I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.

      Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have.

      If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors.

      I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.

      Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.

      A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there's the monster, sound asleep.

      If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.

      I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much.

      If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

      I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.v

      I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw some water in his face or something.

      If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.

      The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me."

      If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.

      For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.

      Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice it's not the moon but a streetlight? Also what's funny is how we do this every night.

      Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.

      It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping. "What?! What?!" I would yell back, but he never did speak English.

      Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I "swarm about" to protect my nest of chocolate eggs.

      When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.

      If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.

      I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, "Regular time?" And they'd say, "Yeah." And I'd say, "Sorry, all I have is rogue time." It'd be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.

      When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English."

      You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you.

      Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that' s what her dinner tasted like.

      Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words---"mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind

      Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

      Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.

      Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself.

      One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.

      When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid jerk!" Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.

      I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF!

      Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.

      When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

      I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

      If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.

      Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

      (No way I was quoting each one)

    22. #47
      Member Gwendolyn's Avatar
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      "If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you."
      - Jack Handey

      "Sometimes when I drive through the country at night, I see deer crossing the road-a mommma and two babies. I think how sweet the lil babies look...and then i realize that they're really illigitimate children. Poor deers..."
      - Jack Handey

      "Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn't kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger."
      - Jack Handey

      "Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it."
      - Jack Handey

      "I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe"
      - Jack Handey
      Shine on, you crazy diamond!

      Raised: The Blue Meanie, Exobyte

      Adopted: MarcusoftheNight

    23. #48
      bleak... nerve's Avatar
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      “A true writer writes, not because he wants to, but because he can’t help it.” - R.A. Salvatore

      that quote has really helped and inspired me as an artist and it's helped people that I've shared it with too...thanks to Lost Soul for sharing it on DA <3


      Ignorant bliss is an oxymoron; but so is miserable truth.

    24. #49
      Bio-Turing Machine O'nus's Avatar
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      I forgot this great one:

      \"Life is a bitch; eat her\"[/b]

    25. #50
      moderator emeritus jacobo's Avatar
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      Life's not a bitch, life is a beautiful woman *
      Your only call her a bitch because she won't let you get that pussy *
      Maybe she didn't feel y'all shared any similar interests *
      Or maybe you're just an asshole who couldn't sweet talk the princess.[/b]
      clear eyes. strong hands.

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