Thread: Favorite Quotes

Sorry O'nus if I re-quoted you. I was typing my post at the same time you posted...lol

Originally posted by Paperdoll EP
“A true writer writes, not because he wants to, but because he can’t help it.” - R.A. Salvatore

that quote has really helped and inspired me as an artist and it's helped people that I've shared it with too...thanks to Lost Soul for sharing it on DA <3

He's a super nice guy and I was so lucky to be able to meet with him and chat it up. We were going to hang out and have lunch but he had to catch a bus back to Mass.

That's a good quote, Lost Soul.

"..the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!' "

- Jack Kerouac

Crap...I already posted that one! Oopsie

Originally posted by O'nus
Jack Handey Quotes

I think out of all my uncles, my favorite uncle is uncle caveman. I like unclecaveman because he lives in a cave and sometimes he'd eat one of us. But then we realised that he was really a bear.

I bet an indian that if you shot an old lady with an arrow, and she fell over and shot herself with a shotgun, that'd be like the top thing you could do.

My first instinct when I see on old lady fall on the street, is to point and laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she landed on me, then that wouldn't be good, so I don't laugh.

I hope that if dogs take over the world, they don't make the largest dog the president of the world, because I get there's a chihuahua with some pretty good ideas.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)?

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. \"Oh no,\" I said, \"Disneyland burned down.\" He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting late.

People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapcable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just a big field full of holes?

Whenever anyone says \"I can't,\" it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about then thousand bees. Whe he says \"I'll try,\" five thousand bees. (\"I can,\" one bee.)

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.

People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blonde hair.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words - \"mank\" and \"ind.\" What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our \"stink\" around. The second is we both get hit by cars a lot. The third is stripes.

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers.

I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.

Laurie got offended when I used the word \"puke.\" But to me, that's what her food tasted like.

I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?

It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said \"Dust to dust,\" some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, \"I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun.\"

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says \"You.\" After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It's simple, it comes from the earth, and it can kill you if you disobey it.

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, \"Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!\" We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.

In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.

If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like \"Hey, look, he's carrying a soldering iron!\" and started laughing, I could just say, \"That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.\" Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much. You know what the secret to life is? You must never let yourself become too fond of eggplant quiche.

You know when those things get, like, stuck way back in your teeth, you know - really far back, and you can't get it out even with a tooth pick, and when you dig in there really hard with both hands and everyone in the restaurant is looking at you. I hate that.

Sometimes when the odds are against you, when the chips are down, and you don't think you can do it anymore, when your friends have gone home and there's no one left, a nice cold coke tastes really good.

I remember when my dad used to take me to Vegas, and we'd get drunk and party, and usually get arrested. Wait, my dad wouldn't have done that... who was that?




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To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big \"thing.\" This is truth, to me.

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!

If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, \"Congratulations, it's a girl,\" I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, \"A girl!? You must have me mixed up with THAT dork!\" and point to another father.

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers.

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.

Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said \"Watch For Rocks.\" Marta said it should read \"Watch For PRETTY Rocks.\" I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke---just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.

I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise, it makes no sense.

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: &#96;&#96;That guy sure owed me a lot of money.''

Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.

As the light changed from red to greeen to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected president.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really start to annoy you after a while how they really sort of stretch the definition of \"bag.\"

The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. \"Sorry,\" he said with a smile.

People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair.

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lie down and go to sleep.

Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.

When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, \"I like mayonnaise.\" She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.

If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we're not going to hurt it.

If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.

If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our \"friend.\"

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, \"If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky.\" Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was a flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the surrender.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just say, \"Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?\" (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.)

As the evening sun faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help: \"Black-and-white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella.\"

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, \"Hey, I'm Vine Man.\"

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, \"Hey, can you give me a hand?,\" you can say, \"Sorry, got these sacks.\"

I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have.

If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors.

I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.

Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.

A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there's the monster, sound asleep.

If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.

I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.v

I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw some water in his face or something.

If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.

The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, \"Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me.\"

If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.

Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice it's not the moon but a streetlight? Also what's funny is how we do this every night.

Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.

It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping. \"What?! What?!\" I would yell back, but he never did speak English.

Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I \"swarm about\" to protect my nest of chocolate eggs.

When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.

If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.

I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular sun and \"rogue\" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, \"Regular time?\" And they'd say, \"Yeah.\" And I'd say, \"Sorry, all I have is rogue time.\" It'd be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.

When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, \"No speaka English.\"

You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you.

Laurie got offended that I used the word \"puke.\" But to me, that' s what her dinner tasted like.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words---\"mank\" and \"ind\". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a \"shell\" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself.

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.

When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, \"Why you stupid, stupid jerk!\" Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.

I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF!

Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go \"Whoa! Whoa!\" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.

When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, \"What was THAT?!\"

If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

(No way I was quoting each one)

I think that's the longest post I have ever seen!!! I hope you didn't type that all out...

lol.. you just had to quote that.

Yeah, it has to be typed some time.

Jack handey was meant to be typed to share his insanity with the world!!!!

william blake

He who binds to himself a joy *
Does the winged life destroy; *
But he who kisses the joy as it flies *
Lives in eternity's sun rise[/b]

He who desires, but acts not, breeds pestilence[/b]

Prudence is a rich, ugly, old maid courted by incapacity[/b]

i LOVE these three and i hope i can live by them

Quotes is very fascinating. Here is the quotes I like best:

"A good idea is never lost. Even though its originator or possessor may die, it will someday be reborn in the mind of another...."
- Thomas Edison

"Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per cent perspiration. Accordingly, a 'genius' is often merely a talented person who has done all of his or her homework."
- Thomas Edison

"Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do in the first place doesn't mean it's useless...."
- Thomas Edison

"The computers will one day think. My cat can think, I think."
- Alan Turing

"Instead of trying to produce a programme to simulate the adult mind, why not rather try to produce one which simulates the child's? If this were then subjected to an appropriate course of education one would obtain the adult brain."
- Alan Turing

"Here the roles were reversed and I was the patient myself, bewildered by an experience, a sort of "alienation" of an injured leg, which I could not comprehend or communicated to my doctors. My only relief was to write about it."
- Oliver Sacks

"Now, we talked to Joan Hanover. She and her husband, George, were visiting with us. They are near retirement — retiring — in the process of retiring, meaning they're very smart, active, capable people who are retirement age and are retiring." —George W. Bush, Alexandria, Va., Feb. 12, 2003

"Our country puts $1 billion a year up to help feed the hungry. And we're by far the most generous nation in the world when it comes to that, and I'm proud to report that. This isn't a contest of who's the most generous. I'm just telling you as an aside. We're generous. We shouldn't be bragging about it. But we are. We're very generous." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., July 16, 2003

"The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the — the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Oct. 27, 2003

"Perhaps one way will be, if we use military force, in the post-Saddam Iraq the U.N. will definitely need to have a role. And that way it can begin to get its legs, legs of responsibility back." —George W. Bush, the Azores, Portugal, March 16, 2003

"I'm a follower of American politics." —George W. Bush, Crawford, Texas, Aug. 8, 2003

"Washington is a town where there's all kinds of allegations. You've heard much of the allegations. And if people have got solid information, please come forward with it. And that would be people inside the information who are the so-called anonymous sources, or people outside the information — outside the administration." —George W. Bush, Chicago, Sept. 30, 2003

"We had a good Cabinet meeting, talked about a lot of issues. Secretary of State and Defense brought us up to date about our desires to spread freedom and peace around the world." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Aug. 1, 2003

"I'm the master of low expectations." —George W. Bush, aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003


These crack me up every time! Bush is a retard

Those quotes are priceless...what an ass

"The key question here is: Is our children being educated?" --George Bush

"FUCK OFF OR GO FUCK YOURSELF!" -Dick Cheney to Senator Patrick Leahy


Best. Vice President. EVER.

Actually Dick Cheney also called Senator Patrick Leahy a "bad catholic"
I don't think it's right of anyone to criticize someone elses religious beliefs, especially if the person criticizing is in favor of many 1st amendment violating faith-based initiatives.

Worst. Vice President. Ever.

"I contend that we are both atheists, I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."


By... some guy on the internet.

hmm. liking this quote makes me seem like some guy who hates other people who do believe in religions, while I dont. I just want everybody to do what the fuck they want while respecting other people's space and things and stuff.

Seriously though, Dick Cheney is the worst bastard to ever "Grace" this earth. I hope he gets a heart attack and vomits his intestines onto Bush.

"Dreams are the touchstones of our character."
-Henry David Thoreau

This quote suits here at DreamViews. :happygolucky:

Originally posted by A Poetic Genius+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(A Poetic Genius)</div>

When your swimming in a creek, and an eel bites your cheek, thats a moray![/b]

<!--QuoteBegin-Evanescent
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

I just don't know which one I like better.

"There ought to be limits to freedom." -Bush, after he was critizised on the internet

"The military should rethink their position. That's not a religion." -Bush, referring to Wiccan

"SHE IS A MEMBER OF A LABOR UNION AT ONE POINT." -Bush, reffering to Linda Chavez

Those are my favorite of the bushisms, theres a million on this site: http://www.politicalhell.com/bush-quotes.htm

My favorite quotes is "There is a light at the end of every tunnel. Just pray its not a train"

I will not let the government lead me off what I believe to be a cliff, when they're telling me it's a bridge. If it's a bridge, I'm just wrong. If it's a cliff, we all die. -unknown

Schools are out to teach patriotism; newspapers are out to stir up excitement; and politicians are out to get reelected. None of the three, therefore, can do anything whatsoever towards saving the human race from reciprocal suicide. --censored author Bertrand Russell

Man, I love that guy! Oh yeah, Bertrand Russel is my god!


Just kidding

I saw a quote today from Bush, I can't remember it exactly, but I'll give it a guess: "To do anything but christian prayers is unamerican"

As the wise Jack Handey one said:

Life is a constant battle between the heart and the mind. But guess who wins. The skeleton.[/b]

For more quotes by Jack Handey, search for \"Deep Thoughts\" on Google or something.