Why Must Loss of Virginity Often Be Under a Lie?

[youssarian]

I apologize if this offense some people. This is something that has been on my mind for a while, and I think it would be good to get some other opinions on this. Perhaps my perspective is limited by my location, knowledge and life experiences. But, at least where I am, parents normally vehemently say "Don't do that!", and yes I understand why. This is not an attempt to invalidate what they say. But it brings up an issue. It means that when you really do have sex for the first time, it's a sign that you probably lied to at least one parent. Or you have violated the trust the parents put in you, if they had any for you. It's violated, it's a lie because they thought you wouldn't, they thought you were a decent person, or maybe you had to look at them and promise, "I will not do that." Yet some time later, you're doing the "disgraceful" act. OK, at least from what I know, most people will lose their virginities in that way. It confuses me that our society is like that, that it has to be a challenge and ultimately a dishonest thing. I'm not trying to encourage people do this kind of thing when they're in their teen years, when it seems to me that people have sex for their first times. But it irritates me that the act itself comes around due to a lie or violation of trust. Hopefully I stated this clearly. If not, I'll be prompt to make such corrections. If anyone agrees, disagrees or somehow differs in opinion, let's hear your viewpoints.

[skysaw]

I don't know what percentage of families have the sort of relationship that necessitates this lie, but it is by no means universal. I am 44 and married for the second time, and I still haven't told my parents that I haven't been a virgin since 1981. Mainly because I was never asked. They would have been supportive first, however. They never asked me not to have sex, but did let me know how to be smart about it. I think having to lie only comes up when the parents use heavy-handed parenting to discourage it as a result of not being willing or able to discuss it openly and sensibly. It's a shame, but they build the foundation for the lie with their initial mistrust in you.

[youssarian]

Indeed. I can see why parents being shy about the topic would lead to the need to prevent it from ever happening. The trust thing likewise makes sense.

[Original Poster]

It's completely unnecessary to lie to your parents no matter what. They will love you even if you break every rule they have. I faced being kicked out of the house and lying to my parents and I chose to lie for a long time because of the strict rules they set but I realized they were each trying to keep order in their own way and though they both absolutely sucked at parenting and were even worse at being married I could be anything I wanted and I'd still have their support. I mean in my case I didn't lose my virginity until I had already moved out but I was definitely doing a lot of drugs in high school and if my Dad knew he would have beat my ass. Doesn't sound very loving, I know, and that's kind of a dilema. How can a child trust his/her parents when they'll judge his/her every action and make them feel inadequate?

[blade5x]

Um... I don't think anyone goes to their parents to tell them they lost their virginity, unless there's a pregnancy involved. But I was definitely doing a lot of drugs in high school and if my Dad knew he would have beat my ass. Doesn't sound very loving, I know, and that's kind of a dilema. You have a good father. My dad was the same way. He was strict as hell with me, but now I'm 21 and am looking forward to a comfortable living in engineering. I was pushed until mid/late high school. Thanks to my parents, I will now make something of myself. I will pay them back one day.

[Seraphic8X]

It all depends on the parents and how they were raised/how they perceive sexual activity: In terms of the siblings age and sex. Many parents I know are very much apathetic when it comes to their children's sex life, though cautious because they hope they make the right decision when doing so. There is almost infinite possibilities for the reactions of either Father to Son, Mother to Son, Mother to Daughter, Father to Daughter and combinations of both. To say that you violate the trust of your parents when you lose your virginity to someone that you love and that they know well is a little harsh. Most parents will hopefully realize it is simply a step in their child's development, and that nothing is going to stop them from being sexually attracted to SOMETHING.

[youssarian]

blade5x: "Um... I don't think anyone goes to their parents to tell them they lost their virginity, unless there's a pregnancy involved." I know that. That's not what I meant. I mean that, it seems as though one might feel a tad bit of guilt when realizing that the act has disregarded an implied trust between adult in child. Seraphic8X: You make a good point. It seems like, at times, parents are deathly afraid of their kids having sex with people. But then, I live in a rather promiscous area, so perhaps it's just the local area. I see what you mean. Instead of being suspicious are accepting thst hey, people are going to do it at one point or another, so it's hoped that there's at least a thought process involved. My one friend had one of those said thought processes: "Fun!"

[bcomp]

People tend to do things they're told not to do, I suppose. I guess teens also sex it up as an act of rebellion, since it's an easy (and fun) way to flip the proverbial bird up to their parents. It also might be to get attention from their less-than-caring parents... to evoke some sort of emotion, even if it's worry. Adolescence is also the time where people develop their independence, so the sex might just be an attempt to fit into the adult world. Unfortunately though, a lot parents make rules for their children, but never explain or enforce them, thus, many teens have no real moral guidelines, so breaking trust with their parents wouldn't be too big of a deal. But you can't put all the blame on the parents... Idk. I think all people have a conscience, so teens should take responsibility for their actions, but parents should also care more about their teens' moral development.