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Thread: Cletus
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11-06-2009 04:34 PM #1Rational Spiritualist
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Cletus
I'd like to talk to you guys about something that's very important to me; Cletus. Cletus is my friend and he could be your friend too. It's so nice to have Cletus as my friend, to always feel him inside me, to feel his big, strong, masculine hands guiding me and to know that he's watching over me all the time; I love Cletus and Cletus loves me. He could love you too.
Aside from reassuring me with his constant presence, he also teaches me stuff. Did you know that thinking differently than Cletus and I about morality leads to immoral behavior? Neither did I until I found Cletus. I used to be so confused but now that I've found Cletus (He was in the dirty laundry one day) everything is clear and certain. I know who the good guys and the bad guys are and my relationships with women have become so much simpler: If they refuse to spread their legs or clean or cook or be my servant or complain that I love Cletus more than them, I just beat them because that's what Cletus says to do; How else you gonna keep a bitch in line? If Cletus says to do it, then it must be right! Right?
Another way that life is easier with Cletus in it is that I don't have to learn anything because anything that I need to know, Cletus has already told me! Cletus didn't just save me from eternal torture, he also saved my from having to worry my precious little brain about how old the earth is or how all this life came to be. Cletus just farted it all out about twenty three years ago. He could save you too if you let him.
Cletus wants to save you. Won't you let him? Just feel him standing behind you with his big, thick, masculine arms wrapped around you, his body pressed firmly against yours. At this point, Cletus may instruct you to bend over and act like you're trying to touch your toes: the next part hurts for a second but all you have to do is surrender to Cletus. Just submit to his ever present will and let him dominate you: you won't regret it. I didn't.Previously PhilosopherStoned
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11-06-2009 05:47 PM #2Consciousness Itself
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How do you know you are not dreaming right now?
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11-06-2009 06:03 PM #3Antagonist Achievements:
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I'm sorry, I submit only to Lady Gaga.
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11-06-2009 06:13 PM #4Ex Tech Admin Achievements:
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Hmmm... Sarcastic bastard much?
(Not towards me though, I'm guessing towards the religious ones)
Unless my first impression was correct, which is that this doesn't belong in R/S at all...
And unless I am terrible at interpreting things.
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11-06-2009 06:22 PM #5Member
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FEAR THE LORD CLETUS - OR I SHALL SENDETH FORTH THE RABBIT SHADOW PUPPET OF DEATH TO SMITE THEE
Gospel of Bo - 3:7Every Man and Every Woman is a Star - There is no god but Man.
The word of sin is restriction - Thou hast no right but to do what thy will.
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11-06-2009 07:12 PM #6Rational Spiritualist
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Lady Gaga is a fairy tale. Nobody believes in that anymore. Even if Lady Gaga wasn't a fairy tale, you're going to Hazzard County Jail for eternity for believing in her. Cletus brings the one true way! Everything else is ridiculous.
Originally Posted by Invader
Is belittling my religious beliefs a bannable offense yet? Originally Posted by slash112
PRAISE BE TO CLETUS!Last edited by PhilosopherStoned; 11-06-2009 at 07:15 PM.
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11-06-2009 07:40 PM #7Banned
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You don't say... Originally Posted by PhilosopherStoned
The coincidence is not accidental. Cletus is a pawn of ERIS!
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11-06-2009 07:45 PM #8Consciousness Itself
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Ah, but you also have to consider the book of Boss Hog 14:22... Originally Posted by evildoctor
FEAR NOT THE LORD CLETUS - OR I SHALL NOT SENDETH FORTH THE RABBIT SHADOW PUPPET OF DEATH TO SMITE THEEHow do you know you are not dreaming right now?
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11-06-2009 07:46 PM #9Member
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Originally Posted by grasshoppa
Hmmmm. Sorry PhilosopherStoned. Grasshoppa does make an excellent point.
Eris is HOT and a very very very very bad girl. My kind of goddess.
And the law of fives is indeed everywhere.
I may have to convert.
Every Man and Every Woman is a Star - There is no god but Man.
The word of sin is restriction - Thou hast no right but to do what thy will.
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11-06-2009 07:48 PM #10Member
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How can I find Cletus?
I want to allow Cletus into my life but I don't know where to find him
This shit never happens to me
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11-06-2009 07:55 PM #11Banned
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Originally Posted by evildoctor
Hmmmm. Sorry PhilosopherStoned. Grasshoppa does make an excellent point.
Eris is HOT and a very very very very bad girl. My kind of goddess.
And the law of fives is indeed everywhere.
I may have to convert.
There is no going back. It's okay to worship Cletus so long as you know he's second to the all mighty goddess Eris. By worshiping Cletus you are inadvertently worshiping Eris.
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11-06-2009 08:03 PM #12Rational Spiritualist
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Originally Posted by grasshoppa
Lies! Why is it that both posts you have ever made on DV are about disrespecting my religious beliefs? Can't we all get along? If you want to be an inferior human being and spend eternity in the Hazzard County Jail, that's your business. I'm not saying anything insulting. Why do you have too?
Don't be a fundamentalist and interpret stuff literally: Boss Hog and Cletus are one and the same. Originally Posted by Universal Mind
You're going to hell. Originally Posted by evildoctor
Hmmmm. Sorry PhilosopherStoned. Grasshoppa does make an excellent point.
Eris is HOT and a very very very very bad girl. My kind of goddess.
And the law of fives is indeed everywhere.
I may have to convert.
First you have to send me a check. Then Cletus (Or a carefully chosen representative) will show up and penetrate you with their holy spirit. Originally Posted by Fableflame
How can I find Cletus?
I want to allow Cletus into my life but I don't know where to find him
LIES! LIES! There is none but Cletus! Quit being so intolerant of my ideas. Originally Posted by grasshoppa
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11-06-2009 08:10 PM #13Member
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How much money and where do I send it? Originally Posted by PhilosopherStoned
My life is a wreck and I definitely am in need of Cletus's intervention.This shit never happens to me
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11-06-2009 08:11 PM #14Member
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oh dear! Originally Posted by Universal Mind
The new religion is barely a few hours old and we already have our first example of contradicting scripture!
Ooh! Ooh! I know - CLETUS MOVES IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS, OURS IS NOT TO WONDER WHY, A DAY TO CLETUS IS AS A 1000 YEARS AND 1000 YEARS AS A DAY, HE COMETH AS A CORNHOLER IN THE NIGHT.
Fixed!Every Man and Every Woman is a Star - There is no god but Man.
The word of sin is restriction - Thou hast no right but to do what thy will.
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11-06-2009 08:22 PM #15Ex Tech Admin Achievements:
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Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think this should in fact be in SB.
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11-06-2009 08:25 PM #16Member
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You don't see it do you? Originally Posted by slash112
This is quite the clever thread.
Kudos, Philosopher.This shit never happens to me
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11-06-2009 08:27 PM #17Ex Tech Admin Achievements:
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Nah, I'm pretty sure this should be moved to SB. Originally Posted by Fableflame
Besides, you would get more lulz if it was moved. So it is a good thing for you guys.
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11-06-2009 08:33 PM #18Member
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This thread isn't just for lulz. Originally Posted by slash112
It belongs right here in R/S.This shit never happens to me
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11-06-2009 08:34 PM #19Consciousness Itself
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Satire is a form of argument, not that this is satire. Originally Posted by slash112
Praise Cletus!
How do you know you are not dreaming right now?
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11-06-2009 09:00 PM #20Rational Spiritualist
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Originally Posted by Fableflame
We'll discuss location later. Cletus himself is booked all this week but we can send out one of his carefully selected represenatives:
Rates are only $200 per hour. If you get two of his carefully selected representatives, It's only $350 for an hour.
FALSE! This is the oldest religion on the planet. This is how we know it's the only good one. This is true because Cletus told me so. Originally Posted by evildoctor
PERSECUTION! Why is it that us pious Cletus worshippers must constantly deal with persecution. I'm getting sick of it. Maybe if you weren't a homosexual athiest, you would see that The Way of Cletus is the one true way. You make me sick and the Hazzard County Jail is waiting for your kind. Have a wonderful day. It was so nice to meet you. Originally Posted by slash112
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11-06-2009 09:16 PM #21Banned
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I'm not disrespecting you. You said yourself that Cletus farted everything out 23 years ago! Eris operates via the law of fives, the number 23 is apart of this law THEREFORE Cletus is a pawn of ERIS! I think we need to add an Erisian segment to the holy text of Cletus. Originally Posted by PhilosopherStoned
The bible has a new testament does it not?
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11-06-2009 09:21 PM #22
He he
This thread is just great.
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11-06-2009 09:40 PM #23Member
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Time to start a devotional.
I will start with one of my favorite passages from the Revelations Of Crazy Cooter. I picked these verses as these troubled times, and its comforting to remember that CLETUS has promised the righteous entry into the Boars Nest when we die. It also reminds us of the bounty and abundance of Daisy Dukes breasts, and the comfort that may be found therein.
And Bo said, Brother! I ask you not to stare directly upon the glory of our sisters jugs. For in Cletus’s wisdom no mortal man may gaze upon the wonder of the holy tits lest they bursteth into flame and their pants explodeth.
Cooter 2:2
And Luke was saddened and stricken with remorse. Why therefore dideth the lord Cletus bless us with such splendor and temptation?
Cooter 2:3
And So Bo said. Take heart my brother and be strong .Yea, If thou must look then gaze furtively out of the corner of thy eye. The Lord Cletus knows it is hard and forgives us of this. Then thou must depart to the wilderness or outhouse until thy bulge hath subsided.
Cooter 2:4
Know also brother that in the Boars Nest ,the house of our lord Cletus, the holy may dwell forever in the bounty of his paradise. The Miller Lite is free and runneth cold and Daisy be forever topless. Know also that upon arriving at our fathers house thou will be received into the midst of the chest of our sister, therein thou shalt place thy face, wiggle it about, and make the BLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLB noise.
Cooter 2:5
And Verily Luke was much cheered, he knew it was truth and good, and yea gave thanks to Cletus, yea praise be to Cletus.
Cooter 2:6Last edited by evildoctor; 11-06-2009 at 09:43 PM.
Every Man and Every Woman is a Star - There is no god but Man.
The word of sin is restriction - Thou hast no right but to do what thy will.
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11-06-2009 10:14 PM #24Credo ut intelligam Achievements:
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I'm afraid I've not seen any historical records catalouging the existence of cletus.
Nor have I seen a five thousand year old book catalouging all his works.
I haven't heard about fifty thousand testimonies from real life people today, and from hundreds of years ago telling me of his amazing grace.
I'm afraid "cletus" is the worst analogy I've ever heard in my life.John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
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11-06-2009 10:19 PM #25Member
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BLASPHEMY!!!! Originally Posted by Noogah
Stone the heathen, Burn him! Both at the same time!!
And his family and his entire town!Every Man and Every Woman is a Star - There is no god but Man.
The word of sin is restriction - Thou hast no right but to do what thy will.
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