Thread: Simpsons quotes

Homer: Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.

Anything that takes 12 steps ISNT WORTH DOING

HAHA

GET IT?

12!?!

STEPS!?!?!


its funnier when he says it

"He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?!" ~Homer

lol u c what i did thar?

Kent Brockman: …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

~

Superintendent Chalmers: I’ve had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children…

~

Apu: Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I work, I work.

Omfg you made me waste so much time.

Ralph:
[Singing Spice Girl's Song at a urinal in a gas station]
Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want.
So, tell me what you want, what you really really want.
I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want.
So, tell me what you want, what you really really want.
Principal Skinner: Ralph, are you almost finished?
Ralph: I finished before we came in!

Homer: Don't worry, I have a plan! [Conspiratorial] I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around the city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called... 'The Bus that Couldn't Slow Down'.

Homer: Hmm, there it is, au-strail-ia. Hahha, look at this country: u - are - gay. Hehehehhe.

Homer: Just give me my gun.
Gun shop owner: Sorry, the law requires a 5 day waiting period. We've got to run a background check.
Homer: 5 days? But I'm mad now! [Tries to grab gun, fails]
Homer: I'd kill you if I had my gun.
Gun shop owner: Yeah, well, you don't.

Kent Brockman (news reporter): [Talking about kids] And while we speak in a well-educated manner they tend to use low-brow expressions like "oh yeah?" and "come here a minute".
Homer: Oh yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart, come here a minute!
Bart: You come here a minute!
Homer: [shakes fist angrily] Oh yeah...?

[Moe is hooked up to a lie detector]
Cop: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No!
[BEEP]
Moe: Alright, maybe I did, but I didn't shoot 'em.
[BEEP]
Cop: Checks out. Okay sir, you're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cuz I got a hot date tonight.
[BEEP]
Moe: A date.
[BEEP]
Moe: Dinner with friends.
[BEEP]
Moe: Dinner alone.
[BEEP]
Moe: Watching TV alone.
[BEEP]
Moe: ALRIGHT! I'm gonna sit at home and oggle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog.
[BEEP]
Moe: [Dejected] Sears Catalog.
[BEEP]
Moe: Now would you unhook this already please!? I don't deserve this kinda shabby treatment!
[BEEP]

CIA agent: Now, let's just practice a bit. When I say, "hello, Mr. Thompson," you'll say "hi."
Homer: Check.
CIA agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
Homer: [blank stare]
CIA agent: Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson.
Homer: I got ya.
CIA agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
Homer: [blank stare]
[Time skip, everyone looks exhausted]
CIA agent: Now, when I say "hello, Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
CIA agent: [stomps on Homer's foot] Hello, Mr. Thompson.
Homer: [Blank stare]...[Turns to other agent] I think he's talking to you.

Ralph Wiggum: I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.

~

Ralph: "Daddy, I'm scared. Too scared to even wet my pants."
Chief Wiggum: "Just relax and it'll come, son."

~

Ralph Wiggum: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.

~

Marge: How are we going to get those hicks out of our house?
Bart: We could start a fire and smoke 'em out.
Marge: No fires.
Lisa: [pauses for a moment] Well, we could start a fire...
Marge: No fires.
Homer: [enthusiastically] I got it...
Marge: No fires!

~

Bart: We're natural-born Carnies, Dad. If only we weren't tied down with a family.
Homer: Yeah. We could start our own game, where people throw ducks at balloons and nothing's the way it seems.

~

Chief Wiggum: Uh, I hate to interrupt your fun boys, but I got a few complaints that your game is crooked.
Homer: [laughs] And how.
Chief Wiggum: Gee, I'd hate to close you down. Maybe we can reach a little, uh, understanding here.
[holds out his hand]
Homer: [monotone] I understand.
Bart: Um, hey, Dad, I... I think he wants...
Homer: Not right now, Son. Daddy's talking to a policeman.
Chief Wiggum: Uh, let me put it this way. I'm looking for my friend Bill.
[glances down at the cash box]
Chief Wiggum: Have you seen any Bills around here?
Homer: No.
[points to Bart]
Homer: He's Bart.
Chief Wiggum: [groans] Listen carefully, and watch me wink as I speak, okay?
Homer: Okay.
Chief Wiggum: The guy I'm really looking for, wink,
[winks]
Chief Wiggum: is Mr. Bribe, wink, wink.
[winks twice]
Homer: It's a ring toss game.
Chief Wiggum: All right, that's it. I'm shutting this game down.

Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!

~

Ralph: I cheated wrong. I copied the Lisa name, and used the Ralph answers.

CHALMERS: Are these children as smart as they look?
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: Well, let's pick one at random... ummmm how about that one?
CHALMERS: You mean this boy here?
SKINNER: Nooo! Lisa Simpson
CHALMERS: When was the Battle of New Orleans?
LISA: January 8th, 1815. Two weeks after the war ended
CHALMERS: First rate
RALPH: What's a battle?

-----------------------------

RALPH: My parents won't let me use scissors
CHILDREN: hahaha
MISS HOOVER: The children are right to laugh at you Ralph, these things couldn't cut butter

Homer: You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

~

Homer: Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

~

Homer: Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

~

Homer: Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?

~

Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.

~

Homer: You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don’t work out in real life, uh, Christianity.

~

Duffman: Duffman can’t breathe! OH NO!

~

Mr. Burns: "Smithers, are they booing me?"
Smithers: "Oh, no, sir. They're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns."
Burns: [to crowd] "Are you saying 'boo' or 'Boo-urns'?"
Crowd: "Boooooooooooo!"
Hans Moleman: [to himself] "I was saying 'Boo-urns'."

~

Homer: Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

[While digging up the Simpsons' backyard, Santa's Little Helper tears up the television cable, disrupting service in the neighborhood, including at the Wiggum residence. Chief Wiggum and his wife are in bed watching TV when the picture goes off.]

Chief Wiggum: [crestfallen] "Awwww!!"

TV Announcer: [pleasant voice] "Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties. Please do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless."

Chief Wiggum: [peering under the covers] "Well, I'll be damned."

~

Apu: "Apu Nahasapeemapetilon."

Nigel: "Hmm. Never fit on a marquee, love. From now on, your name is Apu de Beaumarche."

Apu: "That is a great dishonor to my ancestors and God...but okay."

~

Bart: (after looking at record sleeve) "You wrote a song, dad?"

Homer: "I'm surprised you don't remember, son. It was only eight years ago."

Bart: "Dad, I can't even remember what happened eight minutes ago. [everyone laughs] No, I can't. It's a serious problem!"

Homer: (laughs) "Who cares?"

~

Bart: Oh boy! Free trading cards!

Milhouse: Wow! Joseph of Arimathea! 26 conversions in A.D. 46.

Nelson: Whoa, a Methuselah rookie card!

Flanders: (chuckles) Well boys, who'd have thought learning about religion could be fun?

Bart: Religion?

Milhouse: Learning?

Nelson: Let's get out of here!

~

Marge: Your teenage son or daughter will think this wishbone necklace is really cool.

Man: I doubt my son or daughter is that stupid.

~

Reporter: I have a question for Apu du Beaumarchais. Isn't it true that you're really an Indian?

Apu: By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie.

~

Reporter: Principal Skinner, you've been referred to as "the funny one." Is that reputation justified?

Principal Skinner: (seriously) Yes. Yes, it is.

~

Homer: What'd you kids get?

Bart: I bought this cool pencil holder.

Homer: Heh heh, far out man. I haven't seen a bong in years.

Homer: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

------------

Homer: I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

------------

Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Willie: It's impossible for me to fire a pistol. If you'll check me medical records, you'll see I have a cripplin' arthritis in me index fingerrrs. Look at 'em! [holds them up] I got it from Space Invaders in 1977.

Wiggum: Aw, yeah. That was a pretty addictive video game.

Willie: [surprised] Video game?

~

Homer: "Hey, where's Charlie? How'd he get out of this?"
Carl: "Uh, he's at home on disability."
Lenny: "Yeah, he got injured on the job and they sent him home with pay. It's like a lottery that awards stupidity."
Homer: "Stupidity, eh?"

~

Homer: "I've gotta call the plant and warn them!"
(Homer pushes buttons on the phone)
Recorded Voice: "The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm ... now."

Marge: Homer, just where were you planning to keep this horse?
Homer: I got it all figured out. By day, it'll roam free around the
neighborhood, and at night, it'll nestle snugly between the cars
in our garage.
Lisa: Dad, no!
Marge: That's illegal!
Homer: That's for the courts to decide!

Homer: [at dinner] ... and then I sped away without anyone seeing my license plate.
Lisa: Sounds like you had a good day today, Dad.
Homer: Yeah... except I forgot to go to work.
[everyone looks at him silently]
Marge Simpson: What did you do today, Bart?
Bart: What didn't I do?
[hands his mother a newspaper]
Marge Simpson: [reading] "Boy Discovers Comet"...
Lisa: What?
Marge Simpson: "A young Springfieldianite has discovered a new comet to be known as the 'Bart Simpson Comet'." Oh honey, I'm so proud of you!
Bart: But then, you've *always* been proud of me.
Marge Simpson: [pauses] Yes...

Okay brain, you don't like me and I don't like you. But lets just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.

Homer: "Oh, so they have internet on computers now!"
~~~~
Homer: "Homer no function beer well without."
~~~~
Homer: "Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep... In a giant blender."

Originally Posted by Morten

Bart: What do they do there?
Homer: What don't they do? They do so many things, they never stop. Oh, the things they do there, my stars!
Lisa: You don't know what they do, do you, Dad?
Homer: Not as such, no.

~

Homer: Why won't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?

~

Grampa: Ok, I'm an Elk, a Mason, a Communist, the president of The Gay and Lesbian Committee for some reason. Oh, here it is... The Stone Cutters.
Homer: Yes, thank you dad. Lets go!... I'll take this Communist one too!

~

Homer: I'm going to follow them tonight and see where they go.
Marge: Oh, Homer, don't start stalking people again. It's so illegal. Remember when you were stalking Charles Kuralt because you thought he dug up your garden?
Homer: Well, something did!
Marge: I don't want you stalking anyone tonight.
Homer: Oh, okay, have it your own way, Marge. I'll be back in a minute. I'm... going outside to... stalk... Lenny and Carl. (pause) D'oh!

~

Homer: You better run, egg!


~

Homer: I always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is. And it's me.
Marge: You're not a god, Homer.
Lisa: Remember Dad, all glory is fleeting.
Homer: So?
Lisa: Beware the Ides of March.
Homer: No.
Lisa: Dad I know you think you're happy now, but it's not gonna last forever!
Homer: Everything lasts forever.
Lisa: Don't you see, getting what you want all the time will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and joyless.
Homer: Remove the girl!
Lisa: Dad you're not with your Stonecutters now. There are no lackies to carry out your every-
(Bart appears, puts his hand over her mouth, salutes Homer, and then drags her away)

~

Homer: I could help others... I'll get a bunch of monkeys, dress them up, and make them re-enact the Civil War!
Lisa: Dad, that doesn't help people.
Homer: Couldn't hurt. Unless the monkeys started hurting people... which they almost certainly would.

~

Marge: Kids can be so cruel.
Bart: We can? Thanks, Mom!
(Bart runs into Lisa's room and smacks her)
Lisa: Oww! Cut it out, Bart!
(Bart laughs)

My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is *not* a porn star! - Grandpa

Haha ^ I love that one.

______________________

Homer: Mmm... elephant fresh.

~

Lisa: Mr. Blackheart, are you an ivory dealer?
Mr. Blackheart: Well, I've had lots of jobs in my day: whale hunter, seal clubber, president of the Fox Network. And, like most people, yeah, I've dealt a little ivory.

~

Lisa: You're all forgetting the most important thing! Which is that it's wrong to imprison an animal!
Homer: Lisa, go to your room.

~

Homer [to Bart]: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose. It's how drunk you get.

~

Homer [to Bart]: Well, these bills will have to paid out of your allowance.
Bart: You'd have to raise my allowance to about a $1000 a week.
Homer: Then that's what I'll do, smart guy.

~

Homer [about Stampy]: Maybe if we tied it down so it couldn't move it wouldn't get so hungry.
Lisa: You can't do that, Dad, it's cruel!
Homer: Oh, everything's cruel according to you. Keeping him chained up in the backyard is cruel. Pulling on his tail is cruel. Yelling in his ears is cruel. Everything is cruel. So, excuse me if I'm cruel!

~

Homer: Look at this, Marge! $58 and all of it profit! I'm the smartest businessman in the world.
Marge: Stampy's food bill today was $300.
Homer: Marge, please, don't humiliate me in front of the money.

~

Lisa: Dad, I think he's an ivory dealer! His boots are ivory, his
hat is ivory, and I'm pretty sure that check is ivory.

Homer: Lisa, a guy who's got lots of ivory is _less_ likely to hurt
Stampy than a guy whose ivory supplies are low.

~

Lisa: Mom! Dad! Bart and Stampy are gone!
Marge: Oh my Lord!
Lisa: I bet it's 'cause of that horrible ivory dealer, [accusing]
_Dad_.
Homer: That wasn't part of our deal, Blackheart. That wasn't part!

Homer: Oh, so they have Internet on computers now!

Originally Posted by Seroquel

Homer: You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the BC Teachers way

Fixed.

Also. Homer: D'Oh

Superintendent Chalmers [to Principal Skinner]: You're fired!
Principal Skinner: I'm sorry, did...did you just call me a liar?
Superintendent Chalmers: No, I said you were fired.
Principal Skinner: Oh. That's much worse.

~

Chief Wiggum: (to a skinny-dipping Homer and Marge) Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked. Aw, come on, continue! Come on! Aw. All right, Lou, open fire.

~

Ralph: [whispering] Lisa, what's the answer to number seven?
Lisa: [whispering] Sorry, Ralph. That would defeat the purpose of testing as a means of student evaluation.
Ralph: My cat's name is Mittens.

~

Bart: Tomorrow morning, when Allison comes out of her house, we spray her with the hose, soaking her from head to toe, leaving us relatively dry.
Lisa: Relatively?
Bart: Well, there's bound to be some splash back.
Lisa: Bart, her being wet won't help me to win the competition.
Bart: We could just sabotage her diorama, humiliating her in front of the students and faculty.
Lisa: Perfect!
Bart: Leaving her primed for the most traumatic hose-soaking of her life!
Lisa: Enough with the hose!

~

Ralph: [whispers] Hey, Alison, what's the answer to number nine?
Alison: [whispers] I can't tell you, Ralph.
Lisa: [whispers] I can't tell you either, Ralph.
Ralph: [to Lisa] Leave me alone!

~

Marge [to Grampa]: And remember, every morning give one bowl of Kibble to Santa's Little Helper. Do you want me to write any of this down?
Grampa: No! I ain't senile, dad-blast it.
Marge: OK, bye bye.
Homer: Bye!
Bart: Bye!
Lisa: Bye, Grampa!
[Homer drives off]
Grampa: Wait a minute! What was that last thing you said? "Grampa's Little Helper"...what's that? [looks to the animals] Which one of you is the mailman? [the animals roll their eyes slowly towards one another]