Thread: Did Jesus Masturbate

Seems legit...

Well I guess we need something to explain why God has children.

Originally Posted by littlezoe

Dude I'm serious.
Like, super srs.

Originally Posted by Jesus of Suburbia

The only thing sinful about masturbation is the lustful thoughts, and it's totally possible to masturbate without lustful thoughts, therefore Jesus totally could have masturbated, and I say he probably did.
BTW if you google images "jesus masturbating" there's a picture of him masturbating and that's more than enough proof for me. I don't think it's photoshopped cause they didn't have photoshop in Jesus's days.

I think this is a legitimate Theological question. If Jesus was supposedly both God and in a human body, with all the bodily functions of a human body, then... what exactly would prevent Jesus from doing all the ugly corporeal things that we as humans do?
Some theologians proposed, well maybe he had a rough human life up until his teenage years, and kind of "cleaned up" during his adult life, or something like that. Some said, "no, he was always completely pure and 100% Godlike".
It's an interesting question. I mean... did Jesus wipe his butt? It's a serious question. Did Jesus get the hots for cute chicks? Did Jesus have wet dreams? If he was human, then yes... But people don't like to imagine that their God was so unclean.

Better question: How big was Jebus' dick? And also was he circumcised? Did they do that back then? I know he was a Jew and all, but I don't know how far back circumcision goes.

[Edit:] Nevermind. Googled it, and yeah, he was cut.

Out of interest, why are you asking this question?

Originally Posted by Pensive Patrick

Out of interest, why are you asking this question?

1. Offensive = funny
2. I am genuinely interested. I was talking to some friends and it came up and now I can't stop thinking about it.

Haha, OK.

Hope it doesn't bother you that no-one will ever know

Originally Posted by Pensive Patrick

Haha, OK.

Hope it doesn't bother you that no-one will ever know

I *now* know what question I will ask God when I go through the pearly gates.

Well, was Jesus not known as a drunken heretic in his time?

Originally Posted by Supernova

Well, was Jesus not known as a drunken heretic in his time?

I have no idea.

Your avatar is the bee's knees.

We're all the children of God, Jesus was not saying anything profound about himself, personally, it just got taken that way. And they executed him for it, then later agreed for political reasons that he actually was the son of god. But just him, no one else was allowed to make such a statement, if they did, we'd execute him too, or at least ostracize him.

And everything we do is sacred because it's the action of a sacred life-form in the sacred moment. Filth is the only rule. Everything is covered in layer upon layer of grimy, putrid, holy purity.

In short I believe Jesus masturbated but only for health reasons.

The conversion of base sexual essence into a purer form is the basis of prolonged 'mystical' experience. There's a reason the bible spoke of 'becoming a eunuch for heaven'.

But in order to transform the energy you have to embrace it rather than suppress it.

Consequently however, lust is often considered another way to suppress sexual feelings, just by going the opposite direction. One tries to suppress them by feeding them thoughts and actions until they go away.

HOW BIG WAS JESUS'S PENIS?!a

Originally Posted by Jesus of Suburbia

HOW BIG WAS JESUS'S PENIS?!a

Your obsession with penis is interesting, but this is the wrong message board.

May I recommend: www-gayspeak-com

Because of his point of evolution he may have transmuted his carnal desires but I certainly wouldn't be surprised at all if he engaged in sexual self-gratification.

Ive always wondered if he ever screwed Mary Magdalene.

I think the current average size of an Asian man's penis is 4 inches. Giving the height of men 2000 years ago the average was probably 3 inches at a guess.

Originally Posted by Fechtel

Your obsession with penis is interesting, but this is the wrong message board.

May I recommend: www-gayspeak-com

Not obsessed with penis, obsessed with divine penis.

Originally Posted by mcwillis

Because of his point of evolution he may have transmuted his carnal desires but I certainly wouldn't be surprised at all if he engaged in sexual self-gratification.

Ive always wondered if he ever screwed Mary Magdene.

I think the current average size of an Asian man's penis is 4 inches. Giving the height of men 2000 years ago the average was probably 3 inches at a guess.

The retard who started this thread probably only has around 4 inches himself.

Edit: I meant 4 inches erect, not flaccid.

Originally Posted by Jesus of Suburbia

Your avatar is the bee's knees.

Why thank you. You familiar with that film?

Yours is quite nice too. Anything that makes Hitler look that silly is quite nice, really.

He probably didn't need to. probably had chicks swarmin him.

Moved to SB where it will get the audience it so deserves.

Originally Posted by Supernova

Why thank you. You familiar with that film?

Yours is quite nice too. Anything that makes Hitler look that silly is quite nice, really.

No, what film? I just thought it looked cool.

Agreed. I've started a kind of collection of those. Anime Hitler and Afro Hitler are my favorites. I post all the ones I have sometime.

Originally Posted by OpheliaBlue

Moved to SB where it will get the audience it so deserves.

It was expected.