jokes thread

[jacobo]

A man walked into a quiet bar. He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He placed them one beside the other upon the bar. He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with the bartender. The bartender was surprised, but experienced and had learned not to ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks.. They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to the restroom. He left the ducks there on the bar. The bartender was alone with the ducks. There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another. The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation. "Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck. "Huey," replied the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! What else could a duck want?" said the duck. "Oh, that's nice," said the bartender. Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey?," he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles all day myself. If I had the chance another day I'd do the same again!," said the duck in reply. So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even ask what kind of day I've had!"

[jacobo]

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says $1,000". The Father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

[jacobo]

A man, named Shamis, and his young son were walking around scotland when they came across a bridge. Shamis said to his son, "Do you see that bridge there boy? I built that bridge with my own two hands. But do you hear them calling me 'Shamis the bridge builder'? No you don't do you." The two continued on and come across a rock tower. Shamis said "Do you see that tower there boy? I built that tower with my own two hands. But do you hear them calling me 'Shamis the tower builder?' No you don't do you?" "No you don't poppa," said the boy. The two came across a castle and Shamis said "Do you see that castle there boy? I built that castle with my own two hands. But do you hear them calling me 'Shamis the castle builder'?" "No you don't poppa," replied the boy. Shamis then exclaimed, "But you screw one goat!!"

[jacobo]

A mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[jacobo]

Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet. After six months or so of total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... thought you might like to come... about 5:00." "Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you!" Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin' too." Tom says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Lars turns from the door. "More 'n likely be some wild sex, too." "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

[Lowercase Society]

There was a Swedish guy named Sven, and Sven had many hardships in his life. For example, his family was very poor; his father had one eye, and webbed feet. His mother was deaf, mute, and was missing a couple fingers, he had several siblings but 2 or 3 had died from miscarriages, and 2 from diseases. As I said, Sven was very used to hardships. So after considering all of these hardships Sven decided to go to America to find a job, and fewer hardships, but as I said earlier, his family was very, very poor, and couldn’t afford a boat ticket over to America from Sweden. So Sven, motivated to make money for his family, offered to clean the boat, and take the night watch on this boat to earn his way to America, but this was OK for him, because Sven was used to hardships. The ships captain agreed, and said he can only eat minimal amounts of food per day, but this was also ok because Sven was used to hardships. The first night, when Sven is cleaning the deck and going about his business, 12 AM comes by and Sven takes a small break and looks way out into the horizon to see all the glittering water lit up by the moon, and all the stars in the sky, it is SO beautiful that he just can resist himself and jumps into the cold water, but its OK that the water is freezing, cause Sven is used to hardships. As he is swimming out into the ocean, he does the front stroke, the backstroke, the breaststroke, the butterfly stroke, the doggy pattle, and every other stroke there is, and some Swedish ones too. Well he is about 2 miles away from the boat, but that’s ok because Sven is used to hardships, but he decides to go back, on the way back he does the front stroke, the back stroke, the breast stroke, the butterfly stroke, the doggy pattle, and every other stroke there is, and some Swedish ones too. When he gets back to the boat it is roughly 2 AM, and the captain is waiting for him. Well Sven is in trouble, but that’s ok, because Sven is used to hardships. The captain says, “Sven, because you took a swim and skipped work, you will be but in the boats brig all tomorrow, and you will do 2 more hours of work, tomorrow night.” But this is ok, because Sven is used to hardships. The second night, when Sven is cleaning the deck and going about his business, 12 AM comes by and Sven takes a small break and looks way out into the horizon to see all the glittering water lit up by the moon, and all the stars in the sky, it is SO beautiful that he just can resist himself and jumps into the cold water, but its OK that the water is freezing, cause Sven is used to hardships. As he is swimming out into the ocean, he does the front stroke, the backstroke, the breaststroke, the butterfly stroke, the doggy pattle, and every other stroke there is, and some Swedish ones too. Well he is about 4 miles away from the boat, but that’s ok because Sven is used to hardships, but he decides to go back, on the way back he does the front stroke, the back stroke, the breast stroke, the butterfly stroke, the doggy pattle, and every other stroke there is, and some Swedish ones too. When he gets back to the boat it is roughly 4 AM, and the captain is waiting for him. Well Sven is in trouble, but that’s ok, because Sven is used to hardships. The captain says, “Sven, because you took a swim and skipped work, you will do 4 more hours of work tomorrow night, and if I ever catch you again, and you get whipped for skipping work, and if I ever catch you skipping work again, I will consider throwing you overboard to the sharks.” But this is ok, because Sven is used to hardships. The THIRD night, when Sven is cleaning the deck and going about his business, 12 AM comes by and Sven takes a small break and looks way out into the horizon to see all the glittering water lit up by the moon, and all the stars in the sky, it is SO beautiful that he just can resist himself and jumps into the cold water, but its OK that the water is freezing, cause Sven is used to hardships. As he is swimming out into the ocean, he does the front stroke, the backstroke, the breaststroke, the butterfly stroke, the doggy pattle, and every other stroke there is, and some Swedish ones too. Well he is about 6 miles away from the boat, but that’s ok because Sven is used to hardships, but he decides to go back, on the way back he does the front stroke, the back stroke, the breast stroke, the butterfly stroke, the doggy pattle, and every other stroke there is, and some Swedish ones too. When he gets back to the boat it is roughly 6 AM, and the captain is waiting for him. Well Sven is in trouble, but that’s ok, because Sven is used to hardships. The captain says, “SVEN I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!.” Sven runs as fast as he can to avoid the captains grasp, and runs up the crows nest, and the captain says, COME DOWN OR I WILL SHOOT YOU! well Sven stays up there, and the captain takes a shot at him, But Sven dodges the bullet, and looses his balance and falls to the extremely hard deck of the boat, but this is ok because Sven is used to hardships. ------>You can all laugh now.

[jacobo]

[Umbrasquall]

OMG I can't believe I read all that... I should have quit after the first sentence.

[KalmaH]

Originally posted by Squall OMG I can't believe I read all that... I should have quit after the first sentence. Are you are refering to LC's Sven joke, he got me too the first time I read it.

[Lowercase Society]

AH HA! got ya! I could have made it like 53283235 pages, describing EVERY little detail...but i would have been dead by next week. if i tell the story, it can last for 30 minutes or so, possibly.

[Kaniaz]

This, in my opinon, is the best joke in the world: insert the best joke of the world here[/b] See, wasn't that hilarous?! (well, not really).

[munkle]

They say the best joke in the world is something slightly morbid. You've probably heard this one but... This guy and his buddy are out hunting but his friend accidenlty falls into a large hole. However the guy has a cell phone and calls 911. Emergency Operartor: What is the emergency? Guy: My friend fell into to a hole and I think he might be dead... Emergeny Operator: Before you do anything, first make sure he is dead. *BANG* Guy: Yep, he's dead....

[jacobo]

what did the paraplegic baby get for christmas? almost there... cancer.

[dougdrums]

So, a pirate walks into a barrrrrrrr, and the bartender finds that he has a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. He asks the pirate, "Isn't that a bit uncofortable?" "Arrr", says the pirate, "Its driving me nuts!"

[ffx-dreamz]

Originally posted by dougdrums So, a pirate walks into a barrrrrrrr, and the bartender finds that he has a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. He asks the pirate, \"Isn't that a bit uncofortable?\" \"Arrr\", says the pirate, \"Its driving me nuts!\" That really was funny doug.

[KalmaH]

What did the 5 fingers say to the face??? SLAP! P.S. Works better in person, the look on the victims face is priceless when you slap 'em. Afterwards you MUST say "I'm Rick James bitch!!!"

[ffx-dreamz]

Two rednecks, Hank and Jenny Sue went for a walk in the countryside. After a while, Hank had to answer a call of nature. Spying an outhouse, he excused himself. Jenny Sue waited for Hank...and waited, and waited. Finally, she looked inside and saw Hank stirring around in the outhouse muck with a stick. "Hank, what the hell are you doing, stirring in the shit?" she yells. "I dropped my jacket down the hole, " he complains. "It's the one my momma gave me." Jenny Sue shakes her head. "You're crazy ... you're not gonna wear that thing now, are you?" "Hell no, " Hank assures her, "but there's a baloney sandwich in one of the pockets!"

[Lowercase Society]

SAY THIS ONE OUT LOUD TO YOURSELF OR IT WILL NOT WORK... What do you call a fish with no eyes? (the punch line is comming up...) a FSHHHHHHHHH! You can all die laughing now.

[nerve]

*dies....but not from laughing. appearently she shot herself.* *twitches*

[CocoDan]

Loved the Dark in Here, The Godfather, and Driving Me Nuts jokes. And that asshole Lowercase almost got me again!!! That is the best joke in the world though. Only good once. P.S. Lowercase is not an asshole.

[Lowercase Society]

[Kaniaz]

I heard this on the radio today. Presenter: Okay, start with any number. Add 5. Co-Presenters: Yeah... P: Add 8. CP: Yup... P: Subtract it by the number you started with... CP: Yes... P: Add 16... CP: Yup... P: Now close your eyes... CP: Uh, yeah... P: Dark isn't it?

[jacobo]

*follows paperdoll's lead*

[Kaniaz]

Look out guys! If we keep telling these crappy jokes, we'll end up having half the population of Dreamviews dead!

[CocoDan]

Less senseless banter then.