Thread: Share a joke

so there’s a duck and a skunk walking beside each other in a park...When the duck realizes he doesn't really know exactly what he is, as he has never seen himself. So they both go down to a pond and look at their reflections. The skunk says "ok...you're yellow, you've got a beak and you’ve got webbed feet. your definitely a duck."
and the duck says..."well you're black and white and smell like shit...you're obviously Portuguese."


...sry for the rascism

EDIT wow i jsut realized this thread started april 05

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it , no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Doctor! Doctor!
I think my wife's dead!
"How can you tell sir?"
Well the sex is still the same but the dishes are piling up

Sorry if I offend anyone

A blonde goes into a store.
She points to a microwave and asks: "How much does that microwave cost?"
The shop owner says: "We don't sell to blondes."
So the blonde goes out to a barber shop, gets her hair dyed and comes back into the shop.
"Good day sir, how much does that microwave cost?"
The shop owner says: "We don't sell to blondes."
She goes out and gets her hair dyed again, and puts on a mask as well.
She goes back into the shop.
"Good afternoon. I am interested in that microwave, how much does it cost?"
The shop owner says: "We don't sell to blondes."
The blonde gets pissed, takes of her mask, and asks: "How the hell do you keep knowing It's me, the blondie?!"
The shop owner replies with: "Because that's a TV".

XD

Edit: What is a skeleton in a closet?
Someone who won with hide and seek years and years ago.

A bear was chasing a mouse into a forest one day and they both came across a magical frog. the frog said "I will grant you 3 wishes each if you promise to leave me alone."

The bear and mouse agreed. The bear went first and followed his pervy instincts by saying "I wish that every bear in this forest was female except for me." The wish was granted.
The mouse then wished "I want a motorbike."

The bear then said "I wish every bear in the country was female except for me." The wish was granted.
The mouse then said "I want a helmet for my motorbike."

The bear then said "Ahh what the hell I wish every bear in the world was a girl except for me." The wish was granted.
The mouse then said "I wish that bear was gay." Then he put his helmet on and rode away on his motorbike.

Btw I'm not being horrible to gays.

Originally Posted by NeAvO

A bear was chasing a mouse into a forest one day and they both came across a magical frog. the frog said "I will grant you 3 wishes each if you promise to leave me alone."

The bear and mouse agreed. The bear went first and followed his pervy instincts by saying "I wish that every bear in this forest was female except for me." The wish was granted.
The mouse then wished "I want a motorbike."

The bear then said "I wish every bear in the country was female except for me." The wish was granted.
The mouse then said "I want a helmet for my motorbike."

The bear then said "Ahh what the hell I wish every bear in the world was a girl except for me." The wish was granted.
The mouse then said "I wish that bear was gay." Then he put his helmet on and rode away on his motorbike.

Btw I'm not being horrible to gays.
[/b]

OWNED! Roffel. That's good.


Three tourists in Africa get lost in a safari and are captured by cannibals. The cannibals (somehow, I didn't make this up, don't blame me) tell the tourists that they must venture out into the forest and gather 10 of any fruit and bring them back for a task. They spread out into the forest and an hour later, the first tourist reappears with apples. The cannibals tells him the task is to shove up is anus without showing even a speck of emotion. If he failed... they would eat him. The first one goes up, and he manages to endure. But on the second one he screams out in pain. They eat him. The second tourist returns with small berries. The cannibals tell him the task and he easily complies. But on the 9th berry, he bursts out in laughter. He gets eaten. The two tourists meet up in heaven. The first one says to the second one, "Why did you laugh? You were so close!" And he replies "I saw the other guy coming with pineapples"

What's the difference between a red and a green ball?
They're both red, except for the green one.

I think that's hilarious.

a bus full of people crashes and they go up to the gates of heavemn. st. peter is standing there and he says since u died so early i will grant u each one wish. st. peter notices that almost all of the people on the bus are very ugly. so naturally the first wish granted is to become very attractive. at this the man at the end of the line smirks. then the next person goes and also wishes to be attractive. now the man at the end of the line starts chuckling... this goes on all the way down the line, with people asking to be beautiful until it is the final mans turn, and at this point he is rolling on the ground laughing. peter looks at him and says alright just calm down and make your wishok? so the man wipes the tears from his eyes and tries to stop laughing long enough to say "hahah... make 'em all ugly again."

Two Irish guys are sat at a bar, absolutely wasted. One says to the other, "well, I think i'd better get home, the missus'll be getting worried." so he finishes his drink and gets to his feet. The moment he lets go of the bar, he slams down to the floor, unable to support his own weight. Confused, he tries again. He drags himself back to his feet, and once again as soon as he lets go of the bar he falls flat on his face. "Well, there's only one thing for it" he says dragging himself out of the bar by his hands. He drags himself all the way home. When he arrives home, he drags himself through to the kitchen to see his wife stood waiting for him with a very stern expression on her face. "what's the matter with you?" he asks. "your boss phoned" she said, "you left your wheelchair at work again".

One sunny afternoon, a fireman is polishing his truck, when he sees a little girl on the side of the road with a dog, a cat, and a big red trolly with "fire truk" painted on the side. He walks over and as he gets closer he notices that a piece of string connects the dogs collar to the trolley, and another piece of string connects the cats testicles to the trolley. The fireman says, "that's a very nice truck you've got there, but it'd probably go a lot faster if the string was connected to the cats collar." the girl considers for a minute, before saying, "yeah, but then i wouldn't have a fucking siren would I"

LOL, those are all good. I don't get the red ball green ball though...

What do you get when you cross a pit bull and a lassie?
A dog that will bit your leg off, then go for help.

Here's a polotics joke. Good for any polictial party .

Two (opposite party)s were walking down the road and saw a girl selling puppys. The girl said 'My puppys are (opposite party)s' The two (opposite party)s thought that was cute so they came back next week with another (opposite party) friend. The girl was still there with her puppys. The two (opposite party)s asked the girl what her puppys were. The girl said they are (your party)s. The two (opposite party)s said what? Last time you said they were (opposite party)s? The girl said, I know, but then they opened thier eyes.

hmm lets see
what do you get when u cross a blonde and a donkey?
a retarded donkey.

A bunny rabbit and a snake are both making their way through a forest, when they bump into each other. "I'm very sorry" the rabbit says, "I didn't see you because I'm blind. I don't even know what animal I am because my mother died when I was born." the snake replied, "really, I've got the exact same problem! Maybe we could help each other out. I'll feel out what sort of animal you are, then you can do the same for me!" so the snake slithers all over the bunny rabbit, inspecting the bunny rabbits shape. "well you've got a wiggly nose, you're covered in fur, and you've got a fuzzy little tail, I'd say you were a bunny rabbit." the rabbit is very pleased and begins to return the favour. "well, you're long and slimey, you've got no real backbone, and you've got a forked tongue, you must be French"

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull out the pin and throw it back.

No offence to blondes.

A huge earthquake rocks Mexico. 150,000 are killed, and millions injured.
Europe sends millions of tons of water, food, and clothes.
Canada sends it's military to help with the cleanup.
The US, not to be outdone, sends 150,000 replacement Mexicans.
God Bless American.

The only seat available on a train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her small poodle.
The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after searching the train, end to end, he found that the only free seat on the whole train was being used by the pFrench womans poodle. Again he asked, "Please, ma'am. May I sit there?". I've come a very long way, and i'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"

The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know,sir, you Americans do seem to have a nack for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

What's the difference between a frenchman and toast?
-You can make soldiers out of toast

What's the difference between the french and a catfish?
-One is an ugly, scum sucking, ungrateful bottom feeder and the other is a fish

Why do french tanks need rear view mirrors?
-So that they can still watch the battle

[Some unnecessary posts have been removed. Plus, let's try to avoid jokes involving babies in microwaves and whatnot shall we?]

Hahahaha icedawg, can I tell jokes about babies in my garage though?

Q: Why does a blonde like a car with a sun roof?

A: Extra leg room

Originally Posted by tiddlywink101

Q: Why does a blonde like a car with a sun roof?

A: Extra leg room
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why dose a blonde where flannel underwear?
to keep their ankles warm.

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."

Which 6th grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead? The blonde - she is eighteen.

How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm? Wipe your dick on the curtains

What's invisible and smells like worm? A bird fart.

Share a joke[/b]

...women's rights.

I rofled hard.