Your favorite Stephen Colbert quotes
“I can't prove it, but I can say it.”
“They're all cult of personality, ... People don't come there for news. They come there for that guy's take on it. It's an editorial. Aaron Brown loves the sound of his voice. He sucks the flavor out of every sentence.”
"Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high!"
"We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in 'reality.' And reality has a well known liberal bias."
"Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head."
"Have you ever looked at a cloud and thought it was something else? Then stop...smoking...dope!"
"In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant, ... One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.'"
"Move over Oprah you fat bitch, tonight every member of my audience receives a priceless gift... the Truth."
"When I think about Truth, I touch myself..."
"Happy Birthday. Charles Darwin ... in hell."
"They found a new Earth-like planet. Drive that Hummer all you want."
"Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family."
"If you non-Catholic Christians are upset, well just have your Pope issue a reponse. Oh that's right, you don't have a Pope. Because your faith is defective. Sorry, Catholicism is clearly superior. Don't believe me? Name one Protestant denomination that could afford a $660 million sexual abuse settlement. I think that Lord has spoken on this one."
"Changing 'French fries' to 'Freedom fries' was arguably this Republican Congress's greatest accomplishment."
"Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one... Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus-or-minus the facts."
"I dare say Gore's movie is the highest grossing PowerPoint presentation in history."
"Contrary to what people may say, there’s no upper limit to stupidity."
"Going to church. It’s my favorite part of being a believer. On a typical Sunday Morning while some people are enjoying brunch or enjoying a good tee time, I sit in church imagining them chained to a burning lake of unquenchable fire. You know it makes even the dullest sermon fly by."
"Everyone knows that Cheney’s pipe dream is driving a bulldozer into the New York Times while drinking crude oil out of Keith Olbermann’s skull"
"Once again, scientists are telling us what 'may' have happened. If they had any balls, they'd just say this is what 'did' happen. with or without evidence. That's what the bible does."
