Kiza's Relationship Advice Thread

[Kiza]

Ask me questions. I will answer them.

[slayer]

So I started talking to this girl online that is also into catgirls... What should I do?

[Kiza]

The first step is to discern whether or not she is a real person. This may include watching her while she sleeps, or sending her notes written in your own tears. PM me if you need any help in that department! Next, if you are sure she is a real person, use skills of seduction, such as throwing bricks through her window and making wild dogs attack her when she walks along the street, and save her from them. If she falls for you, do not proceed to step 3. Step 3 is only if step 1 and 2 fail. It consists of violent screaming outside her house at four in the morning, and cutting yourself with a rusty tin can then sending her an envelope filled with the resulting blood. If this does not cause her to fall for you, there is definitely something wrong with how you are executing the steps.

[Techno]

Hi, so this guy who likes catgirls and I started talking online recently, and I decided to pretend I was a girl just to screw with him. But I forgot to tell him at the end of our conversation that I'm really a dude, and that I don't like catgirls.

[Kiza]

Grow a beard and show up at his house with a knife. When he asks who you are, extricate your genitalia from your pants and bellow at him for a full twenty minutes. By then, if he hasn't quite got the idea, stab him lightly in the thigh. Trust me, this is a tried and tested method.

[Man of Steel]

Dear Kiza, I am in love with a Finnish girl's sister, who is 19 but I have never spoken to. I have only ever spoken to her younger sister on Omegle, who said she was quite beautiful. This is all I know about her, except that she has a boyfriend. How do I go about confessing my undying love, and should I kill the boyfriend before or after? Sincerely, Yearning in Yosemite P.S. How do I find her?

[Kiza]

Your undying love may be confessed in three ways, Yearning in Vegemite: 1. Through a series of songs you made from only playing a small clarinet under a full moon; 2. A moustache. Everyone knows the ladies like a moustache so much that they will instantly orgasm upon viewing such a spectacle. If you are not knowledgeable in the arts of moustachery, luckily a kind-hearted individual has prepared a guide for all the uninformed out there. 3. Touching up her younger sister. This will tell her that a) you are capable of touching up in a satisfactory manner, b) you like women (those 15 year olds say they aren't women yet, but we all know they're kidding themself!) and c) you like her genes. Of course, doing all three at once would be optimal. Can you play the clarinet, grow a moustache, and touch up a younger sister all at once? If so, good luck. Sincerely, Kiza P.S I do not know how to find her. I hear Finland is quite small though, so maybe go there and just touch up any young girl? With any luck, it will be her.

[Man of Steel]

I already did these, but this has not yet worked. What now?

[Kiza]

In usual circumstances, I would recommend persistence, persistence, persistence. However, this seems to be a special case. Here is a foolproof plan for you and future generations: First, saw one of your own toes off. Limp up to her house, toe in hand, and collapse at the door. In the morning, she will find you, and take you in. If she does not take a toeless man in her doorway in, then she is a terrible person, and you do not want her. If she does take you in, proceed with the following instructions: On day 1, take it slow. Moan alot. Do not be too whiny, as that is a sure turn-off. This is just setting up your main attack. If she offers to sew your toe back on, DO NOT LET HER. Having nine toes is essential for this plan. On days 2 and 3, your main plan is to advance the seduction. Just little things. Compliment her hair, her laugh, her smile. If she likes smoking, say nice things about smoking. If she does not like smoking, say bad things about smoking. Pretty simple, yeah? On the fourth and fifth days is where the action really starts. Buy a cat, first of all. It has been proven that all Finnish ladies like cats, this is foolproof. While you are buying this cat, cultivate your moustache. In a covert manner of course, because everyone knows half-moustaches are just ugly. Drink a lot of milk to cover it up, I guess, so she thinks you always have a milk moustache. If she is somewhat weirded out by this milk obsession, offer her some. Pretend you are a milk enthusiast. On the evening of the fifth day, wear nothing but a towel. Act like it is nothing. Like you always wear just a towel around. If you have bought your cat in the correct manner, she will similarly disrobe and be clothed in nothing but a towel. Now you are nearly there. Spend day 6 resting and cultivating your moustache. Pretend you care about the cat. Prepare for the coitus that will occur the next day. This day is like the Sabbath Day, but the Sabbath Day of awesome. On day 7, your moustache shall have fully matured into a healthy, young, strapping lad. The important thing is to prepare until the evening, where you will execute the Towel Seduction once again. Take a few deep breaths, as this is where it will all come to fruition. While you are walking around in towels, unveil your moustache. The force of her orgasm will cause her to fall into your arms, be prepared for this. You are not done yet, however. You will need one, final thing. "Westley," she will say breathily, "will you make love to me?" The only way forward now is a pun. Thus you will say, in a charming manner: "Ninetoe times over, my lady." If you have completed the plan successfully so far, it is now ripe time for love-making. Then bone. Bone like a voracious rabbit in the springtime. I hope this helped.

[GestaltAlteration]

I love lamp, however lamp continues to avoid me. How can I let her know that I love her without stepping on her need for privacy? DEAR GOD, KIZA, HELP ME!

[Kiza]

This is a pickle. Lamps are always whiny about privacy and rights and strange, otherworldly concepts like "not selling me into prostitution". I think a direct, forceful approach is needed here. Turn lamp on and off, on and off. Soon lamp will burst into tears. Collect these, and use as a lubricant. Remember: sometimes, the best way is the most violently insane.

[Carôusoul]

fuk u

[Kiza]

Thank you good sir.

[Jeff777]

This is all very hard for me to say. Kiza, You know one time things got so bad until I had to go to one of my friends and talk to him And I told him, I said, “You know I’m having problems with the woman that I love It seems that I call her on the phone and I just can’t get her to answer and then I went to her house and I saw a car parked in the driveway I knocked on the door, but still my knocks went unanswered and then I went home and I-I watched television until television went off and then I played my records until I just didn’t want to hear them anymore and finally I went to bed, but I found myself waking up a few hours later and the tears were running down my face and my friend told me, he said, “Jeff, You just oughta forget about her” but I told my friend, I said, “You know maybe you’ve never been in love like I’ve been in love and maybe you’ve never felt the things that I’ve felt” but this is what I told my friend I said, “You know, sometimes you get lonely". And the tears would fill up in the wells of my eyes. And it got so bad...it got so bad until one day I thought I would roll myself up in a big 'ole ball and die.

[Man of Shred]

Kiza, I'm in a real pickle.... I have a crush on my best friends girlfriend. I think she likes me to 'cause the other day she said "Hi" to me and smiled. Her bf IS my friend and I don't want to overtly kill him so i cn have her all to myself. Is there another, i could get them to break up without knowing it was me, so i can catch her and keep her in my basement?

[dorpis]

I have summer school and I don't want to go. I DIDN'T EVEN FAIL ANY CLASS!

[Black_Eagle]

Kiza, how do I sleep around as much as possible while not entertaining even the vague possibility of any sort of commitment?

[Man of Shred]

Kiza, how do I sleep around as much as possible while not entertaining even the vague possibility of any sort of commitment? Google a guy named "Johnny Soporno" He has a few free vids on this very thing.

[Jeff777]

Google a guy named "Johnny Soporno" He has a few free vids on this very thing. I think he was being facetious.

[Man of Shred]

I think he was being facetious. so was I

[Black_Eagle]

That Johnny Soporno guy actually makes a lot of sense :O

[Man of Shred]

That Johnny Soporno guy actually makes a lot of sense :O Some of his theories are unproven (estrous in women etc.). however his attitude is pretty much the right one.

[Abra]

I'm a 17 year old female in love with Sephiroth (the REAL version, NOT the FFVII one!). I have been having trouble reaching the astral plane as of late, though. I think he's been using his archangel powers to protect me from something there. Should I wait it out, or try to get SP? I'm a 27 year old neckbeard in love with my porn folder. I'm pretty hip, tho, listen to Linkin Park and play WoW. My wife wants to have children, but I'm not ready to give up on livin' the life. How can I please her without, you know, actually pleasing her? I am a bisexual mtf, and I'm currently interested in courting a gay ftm. I forgot what sexuality I should use to get out of the friendzone. Halp? I'm from the internet. What should I do?

[tnemrot]

I'm from the internet. What should I do? Unplug your computer.

[Kiza]

This is all very hard for me to say. Kiza, You know one time things got so bad until I had to go to one of my friends and talk to him And I told him, I said, “You know I’m having problems with the woman that I love It seems that I call her on the phone and I just can’t get her to answer and then I went to her house and I saw a car parked in the driveway I knocked on the door, but still my knocks went unanswered and then I went home and I-I watched television until television went off and then I played my records until I just didn’t want to hear them anymore and finally I went to bed, but I found myself waking up a few hours later and the tears were running down my face and my friend told me, he said, “Jeff, You just oughta forget about her” but I told my friend, I said, “You know maybe you’ve never been in love like I’ve been in love and maybe you’ve never felt the things that I’ve felt” but this is what I told my friend I said, “You know, sometimes you get lonely". And the tears would fill up in the wells of my eyes. And it got so bad...it got so bad until one day I thought I would roll myself up in a big 'ole ball and die. I think you've hit it right on the head there, man. Roll up into a ball. Die. This may seem, you know, suicidal at first, but really it's just a natural response to outside stimuli. When I am in a pickle, that's all I do. Roll. Die. Kiza, I'm in a real pickle.... I have a crush on my best friends girlfriend. I think she likes me to 'cause the other day she said "Hi" to me and smiled. Her bf IS my friend and I don't want to overtly kill him so i cn have her all to myself. Is there another, i could get them to break up without knowing it was me, so i can catch her and keep her in my basement? Throw a brick through BOTH their windows. Just a brick, no note or anything. Once you have done that, depart to Mexico for a few weeks. Hire a Mexican to throw more bricks through their windows. They will get so stressed out that they will be forced to find comfort in each other. So it turns out all along all you were doing was STRENGTHENING their relationship. Ha! How wacky! Cry a single tear. I have summer school and I don't want to go. I DIDN'T EVEN FAIL ANY CLASS! Make a spacesuit, and fly into the sun. This should be enough to knock the sun about a bit, and it'll have moved so far it won't even be summer any more. Thanks, dorpis! I've never really fancied summer. Kiza, how do I sleep around as much as possible while not entertaining even the vague possibility of any sort of commitment? Go to a bar and dress up as a TIGER. Women like tigers, right? I'm a 17 year old female in love with Sephiroth (the REAL version, NOT the FFVII one!). I have been having trouble reaching the astral plane as of late, though. I think he's been using his archangel powers to protect me from something there. Should I wait it out, or try to get SP? I'm a 27 year old neckbeard in love with my porn folder. I'm pretty hip, tho, listen to Linkin Park and play WoW. My wife wants to have children, but I'm not ready to give up on livin' the life. How can I please her without, you know, actually pleasing her? I am a bisexual mtf, and I'm currently interested in courting a gay ftm. I forgot what sexuality I should use to get out of the friendzone. Halp? I'm from the internet. What should I do? You seem to have a whole bunch of problems. Being from the internet is a bit of a problem, so maybe just murder someone and wear his skin as a suit? This pretty much solves all your problems.