Our Memories, Our Atmosphere

I can't decide whether I'm an "adequate" poet or not. Eh, here it is:

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Forgive me if I cannot see
My eyes are lost within my sleep
A dream laid out in front of me
A picture gone so suddenly

It appears I cannot breathe
This sensation smothers me
A tragedy, a quantum leap
From life to love a fall so deep

This pressure will exhilarate
Asphyxiate, intoxicate
Our memories we reinstate
The only things the heat can't take

Take a measure of our days
And hope the memories will stay
A ticking heart bleeds time away
Beating out this Summers day

Forgive me if I cannot see
The sun's light overpowers me
From blindness comes a prophecy:
A love affair, an urgency

A tragedy, a quantum leap
To the sky a climb so steep
Up there our memories we keep
We find the persistance these moments seek

And because they are so far away
Unlike day they cannot fade
At night we see the stars so bright
Our memories turned into light

Forgive me if I cannot hear
Lost in sleep it would appear
Dreaming memories so clear
Suspended in our atmosphere.

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What do you think of it?

I'm not much of a critic but I thought it was pretty good. I really like the third stanza. I don't have any clue what it is about lol but I liked it. As far as "adequate" I'm not sure as it didn't seem to follow strict rules so the poetry gods are shunning you as we speak but for a normal person who just wants to read some poetry I thought it was great and thought provoking.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ThePhobiaViewed

I really like the third stanza.

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That was my least favourite, lol. Too cheap.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ThePhobiaViewed

I don't have any clue what it is about lol but I liked it.

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I was trying to juxtapose (big word!) the seriousness of love ("From life to love a fall so deep") with the fleeting, dreamlike memories and moments that make it ("A dream laid out in front of me"/"A picture gone so suddenly"), but there is no real "story" to it.

Thanks for the comment.

I like the third stanza maybe because all of the "x" sounds are cool and I like the way it ends. The line "The only things the heat can't take" kind of reminds me of when this author guy came to my school and said something about a publisher trying to change his line that went "between the acts, we clowns relax", so your line made me think of that, maybe because of the way they both flow. I like how in your line how there is kinda an "offbeat accent" to put it into musical terms. I like how the t in "heat" and the t in the middle of "can't take" sounds. Its almost like the line "love in a space-dye vest" in the Dream Theater song "Space-Dye Vest".

You probably have no clue what I'm talking about because I just reread that and my examples sound nothing like your line, but they do to me for some reason.

I also found it interesting the way you repeat the line "A tragedy, a quantum leap" in a different part of later stanza. I've never really seen that before, although I don't read much poetry.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ThePhobiaViewed

You probably have no clue what I'm talking about

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LOL none at all :P

I was just about to idly repost this without realising.

So a sneaky necrobump it is.

Any comments? This is pretty much a typical work of mine...