My poetry/rap

Hey guys, I gotta write a poem for my HS english 2 class and while I've been interested in poetry and rap for a while now, I've hit a sort of writers block. So any poems or rappers that write something real (If I see Soulja Boi on here ima kill y'all haha) would be greatly appreciated and any tips on how to improve my freestyling and or writing? thanks guys :D btw I especially liked "Something Real" by Elis D. that was a great poem and I would love his input as well as Oneironaut and anybody else with skills or even a minor interest. Thanks a lot guys, Much love
,Blackjack


Heres some of the stuff I wrote:
Illusions
Part 1
Does she like me?
the girl sittin by that tree
thinkin of somethin so free
not a care in the world
like a beautiful pearl
released from her shell
to show me the hell
that is life without her smell
she would be mine
we could walk through time
we could talk
wine and dine
all night long
the renaissance man in a suit
to boot
the declaration
of the quintessential
dimensional, rift that divides
me and her, layers of plugs
stopping my world from leaking into her flower buds
and emerging from the field
with a stronger yield
and a better understanding
of what makes her heart where my love is landing.

Part 2:
See the sun with me
I wanna run with thee
you got my heart poundin
like a speaker bumpin
can't let go of this feelin I got
Assumed I could kill it with all my thoughts
but it can't be bought
I had to embrace it, see you
hear you and be near you
Say yes and I rule the nest
Say no and I tried my best
gimme a chance though
and you'll see me go
fly to the sky
higher than the ceiling of the stars
with my lyrical bars
whack as they may be
or better if they can be
never as good as you and me
the content of this message
may never be received
so the pressures gonna be relieved
through rhyme
the universal language of time
using poetry to survive
the mental minefield that is your mind
oh how I'd love to be those mines

Part 3:
Sense of time slows
when I feel the soft glow
of your warm smile
washin away the bile
that day produced
and that she reduced
to almost nothing but a sore memory
inspirin me to write this poetry
and take the time
to speak my mind
and write this rhyme
let my word
be heard
throughout the world
for every boy and girl



Yea I did that in bout 30 min but I got a lil block and cant think of too many more topics

'Ey, blackjack.

What are you looking to do? Are you looking for an idea for good subject matter to write about (usually the hardest part), or how to choose a format/structure (like how to form your lines and fit the words to navigate the rhythm)?

Hmm Im decent with fitting the lines and the rhythm but my lines fit better when I speak them then when I write em down. But yes the main thing I am looking for is good subject matter and a few tips on how to expand my vocab(e.g. good books or other poems) but anything helps.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by blackjack

Hmm Im decent with fitting the lines and the rhythm but my lines fit better when I speak them then when I write em down. But yes the main thing I am looking for is good subject matter and a few tips on how to expand my vocab(e.g. good books or other poems) but anything helps.

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Yeah, subject matter is usually tough.

What motivates you? What are you passionate about? What excites or impresses you? What pisses you off? Before figuring out what to write, you have to figure out what makes yourself tick. Make a list of things that stand out as significant to you, whether positive or negative.

As far as vocab, probably the best thing that I can recommend is a thesaurus. You may not want to go overboard, so as not to make your piece too hard for the average (or maybe slightly above average) person to understand, but it should help you decorate your writings a little bit.

Here is an example of a poem-rap.

That is pretty creative. It's also pretty funny.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Oneironaut

Yeah, subject matter is usually tough.

What motivates you? What are you passionate about? What excites or impresses you? What pisses you off? Before figuring out what to write, you have to figure out what makes yourself tick. Make a list of things that stand out as significant to you, whether positive or negative.

As far as vocab, probably the best thing that I can recommend is a thesaurus. You may not want to go overboard, so as not to make your piece too hard for the average (or maybe slightly above average) person to understand, but it should help you decorate your writings a little bit.

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awww man, I still haven't figured that stuff out... I know It should be easy but i dont know, for some reason I cant

Quote:

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Originally Posted by blackjack

Illusions
Does she like me?
the girl sittin by that tree
thinkin of somethin so free
not a care in the world
like a beautiful pearl
released from her shell
to show me the hell
that is life without her smell Never rhyme thrice.
she would be mine
we could walk through time Never rhyme twice.
we could talk
wine and dine
all night long
the renaissance man in a suit
to boot
the declaration
of the quintessential
dimensional, rift that divides
me and her, layers of plugs
stopping my world from leaking into her flower buds
and emerging from the field
with a stronger yield
and a better understanding
of what makes her heart where my love is landing.

Part 2:
See the sun with me
I wanna run with thee
you got my heart poundin
like a speaker bumpin
can't let go of this feelin I got
Assumed I could kill it with all my thoughts No triple rhyming.
but it can't be bought
I had to embrace it, see you Hope to god this is not supposed to be a rhyme.
hear you and be near you
Say yes and I rule the nest
Say no and I tried my best
gimme a chance though
and you'll see me go
fly to the sky
higher than the ceiling of the stars
with my lyrical bars
whack as they may be No slang.
or better if they can be
never as good as you and me
the content of this message
may never be received
so the pressures gonna be relieved
through rhyme
the universal language of time A W E S O M E.
using poetry to survive
the mental minefield that is your mind
oh how I'd love to be those mines

Part 3:
Sense of time slows
when I feel the soft glow
of your warm smile
washin away the bile
that day produced
and that she reduced
to almost nothing but a sore memory
inspirin me to write this poetry
and take the time
to speak my mind
and write this rhyme
let my word
be heard
throughout the world
for every boy and girl Doesn't rhyme.



Yea I did that in bout 30 min but I got a lil block and cant think of too many more topics Never.

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I'm a strict critique. Anway, it's really good.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TheLucid

I'm a strict critique. Anway, it's really good.

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oh sorry, I meant the last part I did in 30 minutes. The rest took me like a week.
And thanks, I need strict critics, they improve my work and help me see what I can't.

I wholeheartedly disagree with "not rhyming twice" (or even three times for that matter). If it flows, rhyme six or eight bars if you wish to. There's no reason to limit yourself to one pair of rhyming words.

What I would recommend are multi-syllabic rhymes. Rhyming words with one syllable can get really boring after a while. Even two-syllable words can get a bit mundane. It may take longer, and more creativity, but trying rhyming groups of words, with like 3 or more syllables, together. You don't have to do this all the time, but throwing a long stretch of like 4 bars (lines) with multi-syllabic rhymes is usually a crowd pleaser.

Like take, if you will, this *minute example.*
I've got time to kill, so I'll *write-you a-sample*
of how I do this *multi-syllabic rhyming*
Profound when I spit, *yo; keep diligent timing*
Fit my words to rhythm, *tailored to perfection.*
Take time, learn precision, *and you're through. Objections?*

Just an example. It can be tough to keep a topic going if you're trying to do a lot of lines like that, but lines with that many rhyming words (or vowel sounds, at least) are good to throw in there, every now and then.

I also disagree about "girl" and "world" not rhyming. They don't, on paper, but a large percentage of the rhyming in rap and other poetry is all about pronunciation. Vowel sounds are the most important. If words are close enough in sound, you can pull them off as perfect rhymes. It's all in how you say it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Oneironaut

I wholeheartedly disagree with "not rhyming twice."

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Srry, I meant thrice not twice. But anyway, it sounds better when you only rhyme twice.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TheLucid

Srry, I meant thrice not twice. But anyway, it sounds better when you only rhyme twice.

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If you mean that just because three is an odd number, then yes, I agree. Rhymes should be symmetrical, and split into multiples of two. But there is nothing wrong with rhyming more than that (four or six times) with different rhyming words. I dunno if that's what you are saying or not.

That is not what I meant but you know, that makes sense. Alot of sense. I'll try that sometime in my poems (though I usually go freestyle anyway).

Hmm Been so long haha but heres another....



The Caged Bird
I know why the caged bird sings
It exists to flap its wings
It wants to be free
And not tied to this damn tree
Held down by steel chains
He wonders if it still rains
If the sun still shines
If his friends still dine
When it sees the sunrise
It lifts its eyes
And sings a smooth melody of rhyme
Because it’s time
To wake up from this dream
Yes, that’s what it seems
No, this cage is not his stage
Freedom provides him with a new page
To write on
To fight on
To sleep on
To dream on


But he’s stuck right now
All these ravens tryin to keep him down
All tryin to drown and silence his sound
All hes left are his dreams
…But this is where he begins his schemes
Grab the key
Fly to the sky
That deep blue
It seems to renew
His soul, his spirit
As he inches near it
He can see freedom
He can feel the cool breeze on his wings
But there’s only one thing
The window’s only open for a time
In fact, bout enough for me to kick this rhyme
Will the bird shine?
Will the bird be scared that he dare not defy his master?
And remain plastered on this wall of faceless obscurity
The chains that bind
Bind us to this daily grind
Bind our mind
Chains that blind
Blind us from the truth
It’s been true since our youth
The bird holds himself back when he hesitates
Shifting states
Of mind
Not all of one kind
Changing with time
Good or bad
Happy or sad
Or…
Fiery with righteous anger
That this stranger
Keeps him in this cage
This cage…
This cage becomes his stage
He starts a new page
In this book called life
So take his advice
Think once, think twice
But always remember the price

Ill post some more if people like this one

Haha well I got no responses from the first one so here we go again:

The Slave
Whipped and shipped
To lands unknown
Kids grown
Without a father
... Where was their honor?

Dignity stripped along with their clothes
No one else can ever know their woes
A strange man
In a strange land
… Where was their humanity?

A pale skinned man
Cut off his hand
Cause he dared to be free
Ran away, caught and tamed
What could he say? He covered his shame
Masked his misery
Under a façade of happiness
His nappiness, doomed him to a life of servitude
… Where was their compassion?



Put to work on that cotton
Sometimes even beaten rotten
Grew to hate that cotton
And wished that they had never brought him
Wanted to go home
Wanted to roam
But chained to this plantation
Trapped in a sinful nation
… Why?

Fallen angels
Strangled,
Faceless people fading into obscurity
Never to regain their humanity
Or their sanity
Called them negroes, monkeys, even niggers
They’ll say anything just to pull the trigger
So they can beat him down
Make him look like a clown
For rising up to fill his cup
And just not giving a fuck
This nigger’s had enough!
He washes his hand
Finds the pale skinned man
and stands… Silent.
Refusing to resort to violence
He keeps his morals
… Where were theirs?

He walks away…
His soul stripped
His mind broken
“Back to work! Back to work nigger!” is all he hears
Fears swirlin, his toes curlin
He wonders if his children will be free
Free to think & dream as he once did
And not have this iron lid, placed over their souls
Keepin them from their goals
… What will it take?

What would it take?
To kill this hate
Pointless fury, hate
He must kill it for his children’s sake
… But he’s just one man
Trapped in a strange, savage land
He hopes to one day be free
As he takes his last breath
And he lays himself to rest
It’s freedom he can finally see

I like it. It's a very powerful topic, and the poem covers many different facets of it. I can't say much for the style and rhyme-scheme, because that particular format is not something I'm all too familiar with. So, in that respect, it does kind of seem a little disjointed to me. But, I do know that it is a common style of poetry, so I can neither fault of praise it for that. It's simply not something I'm adjusted enough to, to give a real opinion on.

Overall, though, I thought it was an interesting poem. :)

Yeah that was more a spoken word style that I was working on.
Here's another one that's an actual rap that I'm doing.

This is my ghetto gospel/
so quit bein so hostel/
this shit hurts/
makes me wonder if it's all worth/
or is it worse/
out there on the other side/
the other grind/
I can't afford to take my time/
niggas fallin 6 feet under/
wonderin if they wanna face lead or time,
for their crimes cappin brothas for scraps/
comin outta the womb strapped/
is it all a big trap/
get us stuck in the system/
people won't listen/
cycle of violence/
so childish/
but still can't hide this/
wisdom that came down from heaven to me in a dream/
got me keen on settin the record straight/
killin off this beast called hate/
I was sent to help change our gate/
walkin tall with the strength of a continent/
we been wantin it/
since we were born/
but we didn't know where to look/
so we were torn/ like pages from a book/
between a lifestyle of opportunity/
one of unity/
and death row/
just so you know/
that's another name for the ghetto/
and that's the trap/
niggas gotta hold tight to their gat/
never had a chance/
to make his advance/
hold high his head/
and tread these treacherous waters/
had to use a life raft instead of a boat/
just to stay afloat/
but somehow we survived the storm/
and we may still be reborn/
this time into light/
chase away the fright/
extinct our plight/
magnify our might/
and focus our sight/
on the that one thing that makes you sing/
where it be that wild thing/
or that you just can't wait to be king/
yo it'll come/
and when it does/
just remember... fly to the sun