Why do people cut/hurt themselves? I get plenty depressed, but I still don't understand the point of it. Does pain not hurt? I am not talking about drinking or smoking or other unhealthy things, I'm talking about deliberately hurting oneself.
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Why do people cut/hurt themselves? I get plenty depressed, but I still don't understand the point of it. Does pain not hurt? I am not talking about drinking or smoking or other unhealthy things, I'm talking about deliberately hurting oneself.
It does hurt, that's the point. It gets your mind off things - you don't really have to think about whatever it is that's bugging you, if you're mind's focused on that newly acquired gash on your wrist. You also release certain "feel good chemicals" as a result. Exercise is much more effective though.
An important thing to note is that it isn't for the sake of attention, most people who cut go to great lengths to hide it.
There's many different reasons. I started when I was 7 without even knowing what I was doing. I'd cut my gums where my bottom front teeth came together with my thumb nails. The pain helped me focus in class.
When I was about 13, I "graduated" to a knife to "retrain" myself. I didn't want to turn out like my parents who constantly bickered etc. I set up detailed guidelines on how many times I'd cut if I broke one of my own rules. Some of the rules included: "Don't cry in front of people; don't upset anyone; don't curse." Upsetting others was a bigger no-no so I'd cut myself (let's say) five times, crying in front of other was 3 slashes, cursing was 2 or 3 unless I said G-damn which was 10 times or more. I've forgotten the exact numbers. It's been a very long time lol
When I was about 16 or so, I started having problems with rage and anxiety. My brain would never shut up, so I started cutting myself to "ground" my emotions. I'm a very calculated cutter. I clean my tools, myself, make slow and deliberate cuts, then I clean myself, clean my tools then go back to living. The steps alone help to calm me.
Then I entered adulthood, plagued by unrealistic rules of my own making. I was a doormat with rage issues that couldn't be addressed because I wasn't allowed to upset others OR allowed to cry. I had no emotional tools for coping with stress. Cutting was the only thing that helped.
And no one knew I was a cutter until I got married the first time. Cutting made him very mad at me so I had to become sneakier.
I'm 37 years old and I'm still a cutter. But it's a rare occurrence usually. Now-a-days, it's usually to punish myself for something or to calm bad emotions.
I"ve only done it when I was losing my mind. It didn't help very much.
I second this. Sometimes it was simply to look at the blood, though I hoped the pain would just knock me out of my dreamy haze. Not too useful.Quote:
Originally Posted by saltyseedog
I got curious once while very drunk. All it did was hurt. And it forced me to wear long sleeve shirts for like a week. I hate long sleeve shirts :mad:
The reasons will differ depending on the person. I don't claim to know the main reasons for most people, but I can tell you the few reasons that I've had personally, along with what I've witnessed from others. Perhaps that will help to clarify it in your mind. I realise that it must be quite a confusing, nonsensical issue to people who have never felt inclined to do it themselves.
Like Zhaylin, I found myself naturally self-injuring while I was quite young. The first incident that I can remember was when I was about 9 years old and threw an object at my friend for some reason I don't recall. It hit her eye, she started crying, my mom went to help her, and I locked myself in the washroom and started digging my fingernails into my palms, producing blood. In this case, the reason was that I felt I had done something wrong and deserved punishment.
To be honest, I'm not completely sure what the entire reason is myself. It is hard to explain, and I happen to have been giving this a lot of thought recently. The punishment reason is still largely the case. If not the entire reason, it's almost certainly the main one. But even that reason is a little more nuanced than I've made it seem, especially in cases where I haven't directly hurt anyone. I'll try my best to explain it but can't make any promises.
It always happens during times of severe self-loathing. But it is only in the back of my mind that I ever put blame on another person, people or even society. Consciously, though, I tend to put the blame on myself, no matter who is really responsible. But here's what I think happens. In a way, I do it to prove to myself that I have been caused pain by others, that what I'm feeling has impact and is important, that they've hurt me to such an extent they might as well have beaten me. Emotional pain is invisible. A person can hurt me all they want, I naturally suppress it and am left damaged, yet there are no marks to prove that it's there. Cutting myself and viewing the cuts I've made makes me feel whatever emotional pain I think about while I'm performing that particular incision. The pain and the fact that I can see a visible mark there makes me feel like my emotions are validated. It's like I'm transferring the emotional pain onto my physical body, expressing it, so it's there and visible, even though I'm the only one who will see it.
Very occasionally I'll wish that particular people did know, and so, in a sense, I see where the attention seekers are coming from. When I get this feeling, it's because I want a person to know that I'm hurting enough to have done this to myself, so that maybe they'll care about me and somehow try to help me. This isn't the primary reason though, and only happens very rarely with particular people. I do think that, for a lot of people, attention is the main reason. And the way to tell whether this is the reason for someone is to look at where they self-injure. If it's somewhere visible, like on the arms or face, they're probably doing it for attention.
Because I'm trying to get out all of the possible reasons, I'll also mention that there's a feeling of strength and independence I get while self-harming. I often feel as though I'm judged as weak and shy by others, so it feels a bit liberating to cause harm to myself, because I feel as though I must not be weak if I can bear to cause myself to bleed on purpose.
I've only recently experienced the distraction and endorphins reasons that I've heard others self-injure for. This occurs more frequently while punching myself and causing bruises than with cutting, because I can make myself feel pain throughout my entire body, and it's even difficult to move, as though I've literally been beaten. I concentrate on the pain and it distracts me from whatever I was dealing with before. This reason is mixed with the one I described above.
I think it's important to realise that the pain from cutting or punching isn't anywhere near unbearable. With punching, at least, the initial feeling is so intense it literally feels good, in a sense, even though it's pain. This doesn't happen to me with cutting, but maybe it does for other people. That's a bit difficult to explain and I suppose is a separate reason that's only been occurring for me recently. You might use people who like spicy food as an analogy (not an analogy, actually, since it's the same thing). There are no receptors in your tongue to detect spiciness like a regular flavour. When you eat something spicy, what's being stimulated to create that spicy 'taste' are mere pain receptors. Not many people know this. In a way, anyone who claims to enjoy eating spicy food is self-harming.
Anyway, my reasons might be unique or rare but I hope I've provided some insight.
y'all are crazy. I love spicy food!!!! and I know exactly how you feel dianeva. :hug:
I definitely agree with what Dianeva said about feeling liberated, strong and independent. For me, it's very empowering. It's a controlled pain that's not at all unbearable. When everything else is falling apart and makes no sense, *I* control the pain. And the act helps me exert control over the chaos.
The sight of my cutting also interests me in a morbid way. I'd a bit stupid, so I always wonder at why the skin bleeds as if a sponge. The skin splits and the blood doesn't pour, it just kind of dapples along until it spills over. Then I wonder what would happen if I cut just a little deeper. That part of the act is more a separate sort of compulsion. The body just fascinates me
Maybe it's because I've never had the type of personality to be susceptible to self-harm for stress relief but I just don't understand. At least for myself, sports, physical activity and exercise are amazing stress relievers. Physical activity gives the same kind of "feeling". There is the release of endorphins to the brain which act as a natural pain reliever, anti-depressant and gives "runner's high" which is an amazing euphoric feeling which makes you feel empowered and liberated; the same feelings you describe. It also improves positive self esteem, sex appeal and body image; key factors associated with self-harm.
I just don't understand why physical activity wasn't considered an option for stress relief considering the profound benefits.
This thread again... It's pretty obvious why someone would do it if you actually thought about it.. though you might never know what pushes someone to that extreme, everyone's different and everyone's got problems, some just deal with emotions differently.
Nobody that I know of is trying to claim that it's a positive thing, a stress reliever that's an alternative to exercise. That is quite laughable and I don't know where you get the idea that people are trying to claim it. It definitely doesn't help in the same sense that exercise or antidepressants might take away depression. When it does help, it's more comparable to the release that creative expression brings, or crying.Quote:
Originally Posted by Quantiq
Really? So Asian countries who love to eat spicy food must be sick in the mind. Chilli and spices are considered a good seasoning for food if their family is poor. That makes it double the pain doesn't it? :/Quote:
Originally Posted by Dianeva
So what happens if you grow used to the spiciness and you don't find it spicy any more?
Yeh it's spicy because it's actually burning your mouth.
I guess that must release chemicals/endorphins or something.
My wrist's been feeling itchy for a few days. I used to injure myself but not to the extent of bleeding. Like banging head on the table, punching fist against the wall, cutting myself with blunt things like ruler and a blunt scissors. I got out from it when I realised it was plain stupid. In fact there's something pulling me back now from injuring myself, a reason I'm not too clear of myself too.
I actually kind of like pain, especially if I'm not the one injuring myself, like accidental falling down, happens all the time when I was young. And I would clean my wound too, I tired cleaning it with gushing water at first, then I tried soap, as though I'm trying my limits.
Exercise would be great if I could pull myself up out of a pit of despair and self-loathing long enough to think with a clear mind. For me, Self-Injury is sort of primal.
I need help, there's nothing I can do to make that imaginary "itch" from my wrist go away. Then slowly the "itch" spread to my arm too. I find myself taking out my scissors, washing it and finally "scratching" my arm with it.
Go to the docs, sounds like you have a nerve problem. I had pins and needles in my index finger for a few days from leaning my elbow on a desk, once I realized that was the cause I avoided it and it cleared up.
It's more like a psychological problem. It's like the itch is sending a signal to my brain telling me to cut it.Quote:
Originally Posted by ShadowOfSelf
I take it that's self-diagnosed yeah?
Well I doubt that, if there is no itch then I imagine its your brain pretending there is an itch, so, it's you yourself making a reason or excuse to cut.
If it's a "crawling" like bugs, you should get it looked at anyhow. Like Shadow said, it could very well be something physical.
I get an itchy spot on my finger that I do cut, but it's limited to the side of that single finger. It's weather related (self-diagnosed). And yeah, I'll scratch that spot with anything I can find- from scissors and combs to the edge of my desk. Cutting is the only thing that offers relief and hubby said it's likely because I'm blocking the receptors by a bigger pain.
Every now and then I'll get the crawling bugs, itchy sensation, but that usually has a physical reason as well.
Be careful around your wrist! And look into anything that might be different from a spice to changing laundry detergent. If you're "antzy" and obsessing on the sensation, go for a walk or do something to distract you.
If it's directly related to a mood and you feel you really do need some help, then find someone to talk to- a friend, a religious leader, a counselor... Raging into a journal can be helpful too :)
Wow, I didn't know cutting oneself was so popular. The thought of doing it has never even crossed my mind.
Popular? I think only Zhaylin and I have admitted to doing it on this thread (discluding people who did it once or twice to see what it's like or due to insanity).
It seems to be much more popular on DreamViews than in the rest of society.Quote:
Originally Posted by dave1701
Anyways I have not, nor will I ever self harm
I count 6Quote:
Originally Posted by Dianeva
EDIT:
Oh I see. I was counting those. It just didn't occur to me that folks would purposely cut themselves.Quote:
(discluding people who did it once or twice to see what it's like or due to insanity)
Not saying doesn't mean they didn't do it. ;)
Just saying.
This thread as gone a long a bit, but i'm still gonna give my input.
It's something that happens a lot in the heat of the moment, and it's a very lonely thing. I have like 3 years of experience <_____<
I do it mostly when feeling overwhelmed with anger/sadness. It was calming, like Zhaylin/Dianeva said. It gets your mind off of things, and I also am particular with it like Zhaylin xD It's just this complete impulse that makes me want to feel pain. I remember the first time I did it, i didn't think I'd do it again, but it becomes addicting. There's a literal chemical addiction about it, the endorphins that are released in the brain when pain occurs. Before I started getting "depressed" i thought it was weird too. I never thought it would affect me. It's something that completely takes over your life. I remember for months on end, I would do it for like an hour, multiple times a day. It happened in spurts though, I would go 3 months with doing it every day, to a month with only doing it every so often, and so on. It's the type of thing you can't really explain to people; it's something people don't fully understand, unless they have experienced it personally. A lot of people give it the stigma with attention, a lot of people do it for that reason but definitely not the majority. A lot of people just don't get it though, because it's such a socially unaccepted behavior.
But the first time you did it, couldn't you stop and just... iunno, cry instead? Scream into a pillow? Fantasize about death and suffering or whatever?
No....that's the point.
So the first time you felt like self harming you couldn't control yourself to not do it...
I can't imagine ever feeling like that....
Well your mind isn't really in full rational mode .__.
The first time is usually like an impulse like I said (or at least the initial urge). It's not like my arm was out of control and I had no control of my motor skills. It's a mental thing. You don't really care about anything else.
And I doubt crying and screaming will help much. :?
Ugh. I used to scream. Mentally. I gave myself migraines because I would scream inside my own head so loudly. That did not help at all. When I was a kid/teen, all I wanted a peace and silence. And to this day, I guess that need is what drives me the most.
Chaos has always been my biggest enemy. When my external world becomes chaotic, I hide in my room (when I was a kid I would sneak out of the house, build forts in the woods, write novellas and I even ran away when I was about 14). When my internal world becomes chaotic, cutting drives it back. It clears the head and calms the nerves better and faster than anything else I've tried.
And (unfortunately) I'm all about instant gratification. :bang:
You just gave me an inspiration Zhaylin. I should just run away without telling anyone, probably leaving one small note saying, "Quote:
Originally Posted by Zhaylin
I'm running away.I'll be back. Don't bother finding me.", that would feel so great because I've never been that rebellious.
<entering mom mode> That is a very dangerous thing to do. I don't recommend it. And doggone it, I keep forgetting how old you are!
I was gone for about 10 days. It was the best yet most miserable 10 days of my life. I ended up turning myself in (called a relative) because I felt guilty about the anguish I was certain my parents were going through. I left a note before I left that reminded my mom that I had to go to the library that day, and that I would be home in the afternoon for her to take me. It was a very rotten thing to do.
And after I came home, my relationship with my dad suffered and never fully recovered.
:shock:
I'm 20 this year. I'm coming out to work soon. I was thinking of going on a holiday alone or with a very good friend without telling anyone after I've saved up some money. Probably just leave a note or something. Only problem is my passport is with my mum. :?
Ahhhh, 20 is acceptably old enough to run away if you really want to :)
:hug:
Try to find a way to get the passport from her or save up and buy a replacement (say you lost or damaged yours or something).
I don't think running away is very nice :3
I know. I know my mum will be worried, and probably my family members too.Quote:
Originally Posted by Solarflare
But I find that might be a good way for me to break out of the invisible force that was controlling me for so many years, to be a good person and such. And to tell them I'm really upset. I should start thinking of a good note to write so they don't worry too much.
You are actually going to do it?
Well, good luck on your endeavors.
I've only done it when me and my father have a huge fight, I go to my room and hurt myself by using blade.
Im not a cutter..but i did have a habit of scratching. I would scratch until I bled. A little more effort but way more painful with less pleasure. Although, I mostly would just throw myself at nature and see what she could do. That translates to scars everywhere, lol.
I have a friend would cuts in visible areas only. He is the kind of person who will try to get peoples attention with his pain then drag them into his downward spiral with him. His behavior is poisonous and I had to build some extraordinary walls to keep his negativity away from me.
I still pick when I am experiencing anxiety but I have been really focused on self improvement the last few years so im doing much better. I even have some premature balding due to picking my scalp among other things.
The thing with masochism is general is the emotional gain from the experience. Most of the time it is because the person was not taught how to deal with emotions properly. That happens to be most of the people in the world. We are such an external world that we have no methods for dealing with internal reality.
Its always a vicious cycle...anger..pain..anger..pain..shame..anger..pa in...and repeat...You have to break out of the cycle and that takes constant reminders. Constant vigilance...turn that obsessive power against your negativity...Eventually, you can balance things again, but its just about as hard as pushing a rock up a hill for eternity.
This thought has kept me going....If thats what it takes, I must....
The best way to tell someone you are upset is to say it...dont be afraid of the consequences..you need this courage for yourself because even if you do run away, they will continue to misinterpret your actions. You are expecting them to think a certain way about what you will do but thats not how it will go down. Speak your mind and be sure to back up your words with actions...Maybe telling them how you feel and leaving for a few days would help. But clear communication is key, that way they cant put words in your mouth or say you are doing things for some bullshit reason...Quote:
Originally Posted by Carrot
I was never into cutting, but I used to burn myself with various things daily during the most depressed periods of my life.
Spoiler for previously made statements resonate with me the most:
For me personally, it was about redirecting the emotions that i could not control into something that i could. I felt so helpless in the face of things that hurt me so deeply (emotionally) it felt somehow more bearable to inflict a lesser pain (physical) myself, in order to have some sort of choice in the matter...and also some sort of closure.
Things would escalate to a point where I felt I was simply unable to cope, like I was dangling on the edge of an abyss emotionally...and those were the times where physical pain brought me back to at least some kind of reality, however skewed.
The pain was almost like the sensation of all my anger and desperation and confused emotions coming to the surface, and once I was done it was like I had purged myself of them (at least temporarily). With emotional pain, it lingers...the feeling of being hurt does not go away...with physical pain it is only intense for a short time and when its over it ceases.
Only the scars linger, much like the emotional scars that result from traumatic experiences. But in time I have learned that even those can fade...they may not disappear completely, but at least now I can in some ways limit how they affect me.
The world can still upset me and leave a negative impression sometimes, but these days I try my best not to add my own fuel to that fire.
Don't fucking start. Just don't. Picking up the blade is the start of a never ending roller coaster of emotion and temptation. Something bad happens? You'll think about it. Just a tiny bit sad? You'll think about it. Bored? You'll think about it. Haven't done it in a while? You'll think about it. It will always be in the back of your mind implanted in your brain as the first thing you'll want to resort to.
I do it whenever my emotions get a bit too extreme, it helps me calm down. I don't do it because I want to commit suicide, because I don't. I just don't really know what to do with the emotion.
I wish I'd never started.
I posted this in the R & R, C&C thread
Always Hide mine too, its not about the attention,
I know exactly what you mean, its like a way to release the pain, Its not like I do it when I'm happy, but I have panic attacks and honestly it stops them from continuing or going on, its like letting go of emotional pain through physical pain to match it. and like I said I try to hide it and do for the most part, very few close people ever have known that I have cut.
Honestly it depends on the person. Some people say it's all about the pain, others feel totally numb when they do it. For me I mostly felt numb. It's reinforced positively and negatively, positively because you get the endorphins for pain relief, and negatively because, at least temporarily, it's removing whatever emotion pain or craving you're feeling.
So a lot of people do it again for those reasons.
As for why people do it, that's a bit harder. Not totally sure. And most people have down points in their lives, but some people have that all the time, even to the extent of wanting to kill themselves. A lot of people say "Nothing's wrong with your life, just suck it up", but those are usually the people who've never been that low. It's not that easy sometimes. And how people start... curiosity, a friend does it and says it helps, or I guess instinct. I have no idea how I learned to do it, so I assume it was the last for me.
And for the popularity, it's estimated 1/10 people have tried it. I made an anonymous survey for my high school, and it was pretty much spot on that (out of about 300-400 total results). People are just probably more likely to talk about it because it's the web :)
If you want to ask me anything about it, I'm pretty open. I did it for about 9 years, haven't done it for 2 but I still think about it. A lot. And I've been friends with about 20 people who have/used to, so I know a bit about why they do it. And if anyone else wants to talk or anything, PM me. I've been through it.
Okay, I know this is an old thread but sometimes it feels good to express some emotions.
I self-harmed once, when things were looking really bad in life and I immediately regretted it. It was and remains to be the single, most stupid thing I have ever done in my life and not that many people know about it, I’m truly ashamed of that moment in my life and if I could go back and undo it I would, but the small scars under my watch strap will remain as a testament of my stupidity.
Now if ever I need a pain vent to either hide the emotional pain or just mask it till I’m ready to deal with it I use a multitude of outputs, ranging from pinging an elastic band or hair tie against my wrist or tearing off my cuticles to pressing my fingers against a sharp object like a pen-knife, a pin, a pair of scissors or a reasonably blunt kitchen knife. It helps. Especially the wrist pinging. It helps with me anger as well as… anything else.
So thanks for the thread, for the place to ‘express’
Don't do it. Having freaking scars on your arms sucks. Having to wear long sleeve shirts because you don't want your family and friends to know sucks. Having to look at the scars and always be reminded of your emotional pain sucks. Then when you get overwhelmingly sad and angry again you'll think of doing it. But it never helps.
It's not always that simple.Quote:
Originally Posted by saltyseedog
when I was a teenager I felt like I was going crazy, the changes of puberty collided with my gender identity, it felt like a wedge was begin hammered between my mind body and soul, it's difficult to describe how exactly gender dysphoria feels but my flesh might aswell have been rotting off my bones.
It wasn't just an internal struggle, externally aswell my family and peers it was obvious that I was a poor imitation for a boy, shy, insecure, effeminate and grossly unpopular. they pressure you to behave a certain way when you don't (And I didn't) you get exposed to horrific abuse. (spat on, beaten unconscious regularly, stolen from, urinated on, thrown in dustbins for starters)
your mum notices you don't goto class and calls you a lazy waste of space ect.
I had no control over anything and I hated myself so badly. So I lashed out against myself with vicious sadistic acts of self-destruction just give you a sense of control. Whether that's carving enormous 1cm deep gashes in your arms and legs and bleeding yourself sick or starving yourself until your skeletal it didn't matter it gave me control that I craved.
I hid these habits and I was so disliked only when 20% of my body was covered in scars and my BMI dropped to 16 did anyone even notice. (and even then nobody did anything)
They didn't care (or didn't understand), I didn't care, Torturing my tiny body to death was the only joy I had. When I wasn't doing that I wishing for death, I did attempt suicide twice.
Guess what after that it didn't get better... it got worse
I lament the fact that I self harmed... but I can't regret it,
it was one of my only emotional crutches in a world of hell, and probably the only reason I didn't die...
I am reminded of the pain seeing them... but that's not a bad thing, It's important for me that I never forget the reasons for the tough decisions I made.
I'm soory if this is a little gruesome or triggering. For me since I was little I liked how it felt when my cats scratched me up, sometimes I would play with them just so they would. Then into teen years I scratched myself up with needles. Then about 2 or 3 years ago It was a bad time in my life, and I got possessed by demons, (I know it sounds silly). So when they tried to over power my mind like they did my eyes I would grab a razor and slice my shin and calves from the ankle to the knee all the way around because my pants hide it and I thought that the air hitting my insides sucked the demons out of me like a vacuum, that's just what I thought. Then I would paint pictures with my blood because I didn't want the blood to go to waste. What put an end to it was the night this man came to my house and he brought with him a very strong demon and it went after me and It tried to get me to sell my soul, I curled up on my bed and did my chants but my bed started shaking so I went and sat on the floor but then the whole house started swaying back and forth so then I swayed so I could pretend it was just me that was moving and I did the razor to my legs thing but It didn't work because it was a big demon, I ran out the room for no reason then became furious for no reason then ran back into my room blacked out because I don't remember doing it but I guess I grabbed the razor then took it to my left arm and sliced it open like butterflied shrimp, it was cut wayyy too deep which brought me back from the shock and the demon got sucked out, but i could see my arm fat in the wound what creeps me out is it never bled as if the demon burnt my blood vessels and veins on the way out. I ran and jammed neosporin in it then a big bandaid, it was so stupid though because now I have this massive scar i have to hide. My grandma and uncle about it, but I have nothing to say. It's embarrassing. now i just stick to peircings, my artwork and short stories from that time scares me so i threw most of it away
Just to add a voice that sometimes self harm can be less extreme, but same principle:
when my parents separated and I was a teenager, and I could not cope with it emotionally, I would literally bang my head against a wall. Not very hard, just barely enough to feel the physical pain, and thus dull the emotional a bit. It helped, it really did.
Now as an adult occasionally when I am too stressed, I will bite my finger, not my finger nail - my finger - but again just barely enough to feel pain, or I will sometimes pull my hair - again just barely enough to feel it.
Usually I will do these things subconsciously without thinking, often when i am too distracted (for example looking at the computer screen), and when no one is around, and they are a sign to myself that the stress has gotten to me too much. If I am good about it, I will catch the message and will start acting to reduce the stress. The thing is that this translation of emotional pain or stress into physical pain actually does work: it helps.
And it is much more common than people acknowledge.We have popular sayings such as "banging my head against the wall", "pulling my hair out", for a reason: those are ways humans cope. To some extent it is natural to do so, as long as one does not go to an extreme. Society has taboos about it, but society has a lot of taboos that actually repress human behavior to a point that brings it out in a much worse form behind closed doors, I think. I bet self-harm is much more common, but people don't admit it. And small amounts of self-harm such as pulling one's hair just enough to hurt but not enough to pull one's hair out, how does that harm society? And if the person doing it says it helps, is that necessarily a problem?
Of course, anything like this the more extreme the behavior, the worse of a problem it is. Wouldn't want to hurt oneself too much, leave scars and all that. But there is a gradient of this kind of behavior: there are people who don't do it at all, people who do serious damage to themselves, and all kinds of behaviors in between. And all I am saying is that I don't believe all the in between behaviors are a problem necessarily: they are a coping mechanism with a life that at times is too hard to cope with, and if it helps more than it hurts, perhaps it can be a valid way of coping for some or even for many of us?
I used to bang my head against things as well, like the metal doors at my middle school. Immediately takes away the head aches or frustration. From your post, I don't feel as ashamed as before :)
I was possessed by a demon over a year and a half ago. I couldn't sleep for four days because everytime I started to fall asleep I could feel it come into me. And when I did fall asleep I would have some horrible nightmare that looked like something out of the ring.Quote:
Originally Posted by Narwhal
I didn't sleep to well when I possessed either, I would usually get 2 hours of sleep a night and on good nights I got up to four hours then would go a couple day without any sleep at all, but then I started doing something that I still do to this day, I sleep with my tv on so the flashing lights distract me from any of the visual stuff they'd try to do to keep me up, and I would turn the volume low so it was just low mumbling which block all the noise stuff they'd distract me with and I go to sleep facing the wall and my cat sleeps in my room on the floor because my dad told me when I was little that my cat named crow would protect me from the demons, so now I can't help but feel comfort when a cat sleeps in my room with me whether cats scare them off or not :)Quote:
Originally Posted by saltyseedog
I used to hurt myself..... I have cuts on the front side of my whole lower part of my arm..... I did it with knife.... I did it because I feel a lot less worth than others and I was kinda depressed.....after I've done it the first time I did it almost ever since..... I have like 30 cuts ..... or so..... and you don't understand it it became like a DRUG.......I didn't think it would...and yes it hurts...but since I did it the first time then every time I was feeling very bad I had to cut myself but it felt like a drug like something makes me do it....but now I stopped
For about a year I would go onto a chatroom and just listen to what people had to say about their issues, people who partook in self harm all the time.
Honestly the buildup somewhat reminds me of a panic attack in the sense that so much emotion and expression is leading up to it, for an intense release. Everyone's different but that's something I've found somewhat consistent. In that regard, I can relate. There was once a time when I was just so swept up in intense thoughts and emotions and could NOT find a release, and I felt a bit of a masochistic side come about, reached for scissors, and slashed at my chest. I've only done this once (thankfully) but the release of stress felt immensely satisfying. The act of physically opening pores felt metaphorically relieving and since focus has now been diluted, it put distance between myself and the issues I had been facing.
While there was part of me that related back as a kid, injuring myself from time to time as discipline I'd felt I deserved, I knew this was different. It felt more wrong, because I knew at my age that there were alternatives for dealing with the mess I was at.
I did not want to continue doing it because I knew that I would grow to associate it as my go-to means of stress relief, as a lot of people on that chatroom had. Eventually, within that cloud of intense emotions and stress, the immobile image of wanting to cut returns again and again and with that reassociates with the dark emotions that led them to cut once before. Not always, but typically, there's a recurring cycle with someone who has a problem with doing it all the time. Cutting is not solving the root of the stress, just expressing a buildup of emotion. Confronting and resolving the problem at it's core is the only way to stop the cycle (wayyyyy easier said that done lol, don't think for a second I'm implying that it is :P )