Tell me about this thing called cheating.

I disagree with "you have to go through hell". WEll it's true on some level. But my experience has been "when is this hell going to end." I think it's important to acknowledge crappy emotions when you get cheated on, or when you feel violated. In my experience, as long as i don't dwell on it too much, I'll be ok.

And isn't it important to realise that over time if you are still upset, that the experience you have now is different than the experiences you had then? That, with your new perspective you can learn from those experiences and move on instead of dwelling on it. That now, you can in fact build better experiences with people in the future based on the understandings from your experience.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Burns

I have been cheated on, and my trust of men has never fully recovered.

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I feel your pain. After being cheated on multiple times myself, it's so damn hard to have that trust again. Just when you get cozy, you're haunted by the memories of how perfect everything seemed the last time. You know, BEFORE you were f*cked over, when everything seemed so cinched up and tidy.

Quote:

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I probably sound like a total psycho, but that kind of thing drastically changes your perception of people.

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If so, maybe we can share a "couple's" straight jacket because I can definitely empathize.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by AdamA

Its ok Burns, I asked Mes to marry me and she said yes last night, I will take care of her :)

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Them's :putemuppunk: fightin' words, buddy :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Oneironaught

I feel your pain. After being cheated on multiple times myself, it's so damn hard to have that trust again. Just when you get cozy, you're haunted by the memories of how perfect everything seemed the last time. You know, BEFORE you were f*cked over, when everything seemed so cinched up and tidy.

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Yep, that's exactly the feeling I was trying to describe. And there's always the constant doubt in your mind because of it. *sigh*

And you know what my biggest motivation for letting it go is? My ex would be floored if he knew how much that impacted me, like he had that much control over my emotions for this many years to come. If that's not reason to let it go, I don't know what is.

Well, it's been confirmed, my fiance is screwing some other dude.

Right now, I don't know, I'm furious, depressed, just distraught. And I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but it did. Just a little background info on this whole thing.

I had a friend in the army, we'll call him M. Anyways, decent guy and all, we were bros. So two years after we met in basic, we get back from Iraq, he ditches his wife (whom in reality, the marriage between those two was pretty fake) and gets strung out on drugs, and goes AWOL. Not uncommon to push the limit when you get back from the sandbox, but he went to far (like stealing my Ipod, PSP, cd player, and other things, so he could buy crack). Anyways, so his wife, who I had met before, calls me asking about him, since she hadn't heard from him in months. FYI he was also living with some 30 year old woman at the time, and planning on getting married. His wife didn't know any of this. So I felt bad for her, really bad, and decided I would help her out, since we had both been screwed over by M. So I helped her get her finances straight, helped her through the divorce process, etc etc etc. Also, I supported her emotionally the best I could, since she was a wreck. Well during all this time we kind of formed a bond, and hit it off. After months and months, we knew we were in love and wanted to get married, start a family, blah blah. It should be noted that the amount of heartache, grief, depression, not to mention the amount of money spent on her, I went through for her was amazing in retrospect. I don't know how I did it. My whole drive during all this was the fact that I've tried to devote my life to helping others, and that I couldn't give this up. To shorten this up a bit, let's just say that recently I havent gotten any calls, she never answers the phone, and when she does she is drunk with this one guy. Now this is pretty obvious, but hey, I let her exlpain and like an idiot, I bought it. Tonight though, talking with her sister, she revealed that yes, she was doing this guy, and that they pretty much live together now.

I'm sorry this is such a long post, but I had to get it off my chest. I mean, she was my fiance for God's sake. I know there have been way worse cases of this with actual married couples, but still. It hurts. I know there are plenty more fish in the sea, and that's all I've been hearing from friends, but come on. Every girlfriend I've had, I've been cheated on. Have I ever cheated on anyone? Hell no, and I never will.

Damn, it would just be nice to find somebody who wasn't so damn weak.

That's horrible. After everything you went though this happens? I don't know what else to say but my heart goes out to you.

A very dim bright side to this, at least you found out how she is before you married her.

Hang in there and let yourself heal. And remember than not everyone is a cheating bitch or bastard. (though it seems like it at times)

lol this MSN convo seemed fitting for the thread. a friend of mine was freakin over some girl.

anonymous- says:
GOD DAMMIT.. that is all i have to say
Trick of the Mind says:
???????
anonymous- says:
you rememeber i said about giving up the other women for that 1chick
anonymous- says:
she played me, big time... mutha fucker
Trick of the Mind says:
oh his is PIMP?
anonymous- says:
actually broke my heart, thats twice that happened to me
anonymous- says:
yep dude
Trick of the Mind says:
oh ok
Trick of the Mind says:
LOL
Trick of the Mind says:
i was just about to go out and see my fb
anonymous-says:
this is not funny... twice my heart been broken this past month lol
Trick of the Mind says:
OMG
anonymous- says:
i only have 1 fb left
Trick of the Mind says:
i so wish i could be your gf and all
Trick of the Mind says:
but i gotta go soon
anonymous- says:
O.o
anonymous-says:
ur worse than her lol
Trick of the Mind says:
playin dude
anonymous- says:
fair enough
anonymous- says:
i see it as opening new doors to me
Trick of the Mind says:
just get out and have some fun
anonymous says:
new women, new experiences
anonymous says:
good luck
Trick of the Mind says:
get drunk!
anonymous says:
nope
-={Kyle}=- says:
don't need to get drunk
anonymous says:
i've learnt from that
anonymous says:
ok dude later, have fun ^-^
Trick of the Mind says:
ok lol
anonymous says:
ooo p.s. also found out i went with my mates gf last saterday
anonymous says:
she lied to me, when she said about not havn a bf
anonymous says:
also today went with another chick with a bf... omg are there any single / honest women out there?
Trick of the Mind says:
LOL
anonymous says:
oh wel i'll enjoy it, and reap the benifits, but i know it will be hard later in life... to trust women
Trick of the Mind says:
i know
anonymous says:
heck only 1 has cum close to my expectations
Trick of the Mind says:
yeah?
anonymous says:
but she is dumping her 2 year bf for my friend lol
anonymous says:
she would never cheat lol
anonymous says:
so she going to just break it off with him for a fling haha...
Trick of the Mind says:
LOL
anonymous says:
youngsters the lot of them
Trick of the Mind says:
crazy bitches.... gotta love em still
anonymous says:
i shouldn't date girls 18-24
anonymous- says:
i prefer 25ish... far more experienced farrrrrr better at being loyal
Anonymous says:
hopefully
Anonymous says:
cause i aint really tried 25+
Trick of the Mind says:
i'm 22 my fb is 30 lol
Anonymous says:
hah nice, but remember women age faster than guys
Trick of the Mind says:
makes me coffee every morning
Anonymous says:
soon she wlil be wrinkly
Trick of the Mind says:
buy's me smokes and t-shirts
Anonymous says:
cool, ur her toy boy
Trick of the Mind says:
i suspect she's fucking other guys... but i don't care really
Anonymous says:
i had the chance to do the same with a 32 yr old woman.. but to me she looked bad... (not attractive)
Anonymous says:
she just found out her husband fucked about with 3 other women
Anonymous says:
she wanted revenge, i was in her house.. lol
Trick of the Mind says:
yeah. i felt the sameway last weekend when some fatty trie to pick me up
Trick of the Mind says:
everyone is fucking cheating LOL
Anonymous- says:
i know
Anonymous says:
that is the only thing i'm dissapointed in
Trick of the Mind says:
it's not just guys, or women... it's everyone
Anonymous says:
i know..it sux
Trick of the Mind says:
well on the bright side. more variety for us!

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also today went with another chick with a bf... omg are there any single / honest women out there?

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I'm really thinking more and more that there aren't. And guys are just as bad. :confused:

Dammit. That entire post p!sses me off. It's so depressing that nobody gives a sh!t anymore. Looks like I'll be single for a long, long time to come. Why the hell bother anymore?

Burns and Adam, wow thanks for the support and offer of physical violence!! :D :hug:

Holy crap, Horizon Driver. :mad::mad::mad: I just can't believe someone can do that!! I can't, can't, can't.

I personally don't like the phrase "plenty of fish in the sea".. I don't want to go through a bunch of fish.. okay I don't know, I'm jet lagged.

Has anyone tried this: at the beginning of a relationship, sitting the person down and making it clear that trust is everything? Maybe these people just don't realise how important that is. I mean if you have trust, nearly everything else can be worked on.

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Dammit. That entire post p!sses me off. It's so depressing that nobody gives a sh!t anymore. Looks like I'll be single for a long, long time to come. Why the hell bother anymore?

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Pleaaaase don't say that. :(:( It will be okay. In fact just recently I chatted with someone who thought the same way. Maybe people just think it's cool to sleep around with as many people as possible. Somehow I don't think they'll be happy in the end. But there are those rare few who have something called morals. Now if we can only find a way of detecting them.. hmmm.. must make a machine of some sort. ;)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Mes Tarrant

Has anyone tried this: at the beginning of a relationship, sitting the person down and making it clear that trust is everything? Maybe these people just don't realise how important that is. I mean if you have trust, nearly everything else can be worked on.

...But there are those rare few who have something called morals. Now if we can only find a way of detecting them.. hmmm.. must make a machine of some sort. ;)

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I thought they already had that. They call it a ** machine ;)

I'm just saying.

I'd also like something less subtle though.. something that's bulky and beeping. :D To be used in highly public places.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Mes Tarrant

I'd also like something less subtle though.. something that's bulky and beeping. :D To be used in highly public places.

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Fair enough. Subtlety is not my specialty :(

well for the moral thing. What you could do is create a test for the person without them knowing. Some may think it's Immoral but if it gets you what you want.... Remember the movie Anger Management?

all i Know is that people I meet on the street, bars etc. tested my character many times until i figured it out. That's why i had a hard time, taking what people ask at face value.

example of test:

scenario: A woman is at a bar, club, social event. She meets a nice charming guy named john. The attraction is obvious. BUt she's not sure if this is a guy who will just pressure her and use her for sex. she wants to find out if He'll like her for HER and not just her body. How would she find out?. she could ask. BUT in her experience she's been lied to by guys before. So she can't take what he says at face value.

So what does she do? creates a test to reveal his character traits that he doesn't know about.

She might ask him "so, are you here to pick up girls?" slightly seductive tone, with sexually implied touching.

Surface structure of the question:

Are you here to pick up girls?

deep structure: Implies sexual encounter.

Deeper structure: She wants to find out. what his traits are. Will he just use me?

John answers: WEll yeah! are you offering???

John's answer reveals he is primarily interested in sex. In fact it comes off a bit weak and needy. He fails the test.

instead if john answers: Yes! seen any good ones here?

Answer reveals he has a sense of humor. He may be interested in sex but certainly isn't needy about it. she thinks "is this because he values more important things?"

he passes test.

John answers: Yes, of course, I'd love nothing more than to have breakfast with you. BUT, i think it would be better we get to know each other better first.

Johns answer reveals he has a sense of humor. He clearly states his sexuality. yet, he is not needy about it. in fact He is interested in her as a human being. She thinks "This guy is a catch. a rare one indeed!

John passes test.

For all of you who think I'm a quack for posting this. This Stuff is real. All you have to do is be social and you will run into it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ranma187

Remember the movie Anger Management?

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Yes, funny movie. Funnier than I expected.

Quote:

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For all of you who think I'm a quack for posting this. This Stuff is real. All you have to do is be social and you will run into it.

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I don't think you're a quack at all; I know you're right. I'm just chicken sh!t most of the time. Unless I see something really special I take the passive route. That route does nothing for me either but at least it's easier on the nerves and heart.

Plus, if you heard the way I talk to women you'd know that I'm telling the truth. I tend to "wear my heart on my sleeve" and I don't think that works too well for me - at all. In fact, I'd venture as far as saying that it's a huge turn-off and that it actually works against me. But, that's the way I am and I doubt I'll change any time soon.

Or maybe it's that I'm too picky. Either way, I'm a sad, sad man who needs a good, swift kick in the @ss.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Mes Tarrant

But there are those rare few who have something called morals. Now if we can only find a way of detecting them..

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*Put's up hand*

:p

I'm surprised that 100% of the posters were 100% against cheating.

The truth is almost never absolute.

I would never cheat, because it goes against my personality.
but other people, in some situations can find cheating a legitimate action.
For example:
1) when you found out your partner is cheating on you: before you confront the partner, you can cheat a little. This may have the advantage of being able to forgive your partner more easily.
2) when you are happily married for a long time, you can cheat on extremely rare occasions. For some people this will help them to keep the marriage going well.

I agree both of these examples are debatable and controversial, but like I said this is not as absolute wrongess as all of the posters seem to believe.

People who cheat sicken me. I've been cheated on, and it is not fun. Thank goodness that I have a person like I do, who understands this premise as well as I.

Quote:

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1) when you found out your partner is cheating on you: before you confront the partner, you can cheat a little. This may have the advantage of being able to forgive your partner more easily.
2) when you are happily married for a long time, you can cheat on extremely rare occasions. For some people this will help them to keep the marriage going well.

---

I am much more understanding toward the first one but not the second... wtf?? How does the second one make any sense?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Mes Tarrant

I am much more understanding toward the first one but not the second... wtf?? How does the second one make any sense?

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I was wondering the same thing... :wtf:

I think possibly what dodobird might be getting at are some relationships, or marriages dont have the physical side to them, so people might cheat to get that satisfaction out the way and then concentrate on everything else in the marriage, thats about the only thing I could come up with.

Either way people suck, and will always shit on others!!

To the married thing. I heard a guy who was a hypnotherapist once talk about his practice and women. (his website is www.trucor.com).

for years he had women come into his office. None of these women had any specific problems. they just wanted a way to feel good about themselves. Most of these women were married. Of the married clients. no 50% not 80 or even 90%, of these women, were either having affairs, had affairs, or thinking about having them. but all of them!

All these women were unhappy with their mairrages. either their husbands didn't listen to them, gave them shit, or failed to sexually satisfy them on a regular basis. Now a lot of girls on here might argue with me here, BUT it is a FACT that you cannot have a succesfull relationship without SEX. I hate DR. Phil but even HE aGREES with me on this one. I'm not saying a relationship IS SEX, but it is an important factor, as listening, communicating, and appreciating each other's needs.

What i think the problem here is honesty.

WOMEN, if you are in a relationship with a guy who treats you bad, is bad in bed, doesn't listen to you, or lies. GET RID OF HIM and only go for what you want. search high and low... you will find him! my promise! start with me:p

Because i am sick of hearing women in my town and in my social circle say stuff like "i love him, but he cheats. Does he really love me." honest to god, the last woman that told me that, had two guys over at her house THAT NIGHT. Neither of them was the guy she was talking about. and neither of them knew of eachother. How do i know this? I'm dating her sister!

First off, if you want guys to be honest with you, and not cheat. DON"T LIE AND DON"T CHEAT. Do unto others..... It's not rocket science! I'm not saying ALL women are like this but in my experience, MANY MANY are.

Guys, SAME thing! being a "player" will get you bad karma. if you use women and are dishonest about it. whenever you find the ONE you want, and she cheats and lies. That's karma.

personally i think both men and women on this subject. should first SHUT UP (including me). and start behaving in an honest way. Be honest with yourself, and eachother. Respect yourself and Eachother. it's the only way ANYONE is gonna be happy in this matter.

Thanks, ranma. I think most people replying to this thread though are honest in relationships and are trying to understand why an honest person has to suffer.

I think that if you're in a good relationship but the guy (or girl) is bad in bed, well, that can be worked on! And I say it'd be a blast working on it, too. Personality is what's the constant.

Damn did i ever get just tottally cheated on.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ranma187

Damn did i ever get just tottally cheated on.

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Sorry to hear that, man. I'll never understand why so many people are like that.

honestly i think it's an insecurty thing.

A lot of people who have low self esteem - when they stumble apon something really good, they think they don't deserve it. So they sabotage it unconciously and their self worth becomes a self-fullfilling prphecy.

I think I'm definately gonna have to figure out where a girl is at in her confidence level. If they don't love and respect themselves, how can they love and respect you? from now on I'm gonna elicit each potential GF's values, on life and herself.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by dodobird

I'm surprised that 100% of the posters were 100% against cheating.

The truth is almost never absolute.

I would never cheat, because it goes against my personality.
but other people, in some situations can find cheating a legitimate action.
For example:
1) when you found out your partner is cheating on you: before you confront the partner, you can cheat a little. This may have the advantage of being able to forgive your partner more easily.
2) when you are happily married for a long time, you can cheat on extremely rare occasions. For some people this will help them to keep the marriage going well.

I agree both of these examples are debatable and controversial, but like I said this is not as absolute wrongess as all of the posters seem to believe.

---

I definitely see what you are saying. But I also understand what everybody else is saying about how cheating destroys trust and causes great pain. That is very true. If a couple has an understanding that it is all about the two of them and that neither one can have sex with anybody else EVER, then when one of them has sex with somebody else, that trust has been violated. If the other one finds out, it can cause horrible pain, which the cheater took a gamble on creating. I agree with all of that. However, I also see where the cheaters are coming from. I think that expecting a person to have sex with just you and nobody else ever as long as the two of you are together is asking for something gigantic, and I would almost say that it is unrealistic to expect it. Again, I understand why people would expect it, but the will to have sexual variety, especially for men (due to nature's "spread the seed" principle) is so damn powerful that a person is almost defeating the forces of nature by adhering to monogamy. I don't really understand how anybody does it. Such an idea feels unnatural to me personally, but if others can be about it, then I can respect that. I have never led a woman to believe that she would be 100% it. I have told several women early on that I am not the commitment type and that I can't make any promises. Some of those situations turned into relationships where freedom was involved. In stating that I wanted my freedom, I of course in turn gave the women their freedom, and I never felt jealous over the idea of one of them sleeping with somebody else. I think sex and romance are two things that often go together but that they are not the same thing. A relationship with that perspective is the only kind I will have. I don't want to live a lie and end up hurting somebody. If I ever get married, which I probably won't, it will have to be an open marriage. I couldn't deal with anything else. Eternity is a very long time.

From that perspective, I can understand why committed people cheat. I think they are due a certain degree of understanding. Because the will for variety is so strong, I truly believe that in some cases, cheating can be good for a relationship. The will for deviation can build up to something so overwhelming that it destroys a relationship. That factor becomes especially serious with married couples who have kids. I adamantly believe that couples who have kids need to do everything in their power to stay together and raise the kids together, unless there is abuse or something. If they just absolutely have to fight, they need to get the Hell away from the kids to do it. They need to hold on with everything they have to keep the marriage together so the kids can have both parents raising them. Occasional cheating, done with extreme caution so the spouse/mate doesn't find out, can relieve a great deal of the tension that comes with the very rigid state of being committed to one person. That tension can cause a great deal of stress, which turns into resentment and hostility. Cheating, even just once in a while or for short phases, can mop that up extremely well. I have seen the evidence that it does in some cases.

I know people who have been in very long relationships who cheated sometimes and swore that their relationships would become much more upbeat and positive every time they did it. The ball on the chain doesn't seem so weighted to the ground afterwards. There is increased relaxation and decreased claustrophobia that results. I can completely see how that would be the case, and I have seen the positive reactions that result. A lot of relationships would not make it very long if cheating were not involved. But that is only when it is done by people who know how to pull it off without raising any suspicion. The result of getting found out is emotional devastation of somebody innocent and very likely a really nasty ending of the relationship, which could be a divorce that puts children through total Hell. That is why if a relationship is dependant on occasional cheating, it has to be done with supercaution.

My point is that I see the pros and cons. I myself don't ever get committed enough to do what could be called cheating. I don't want to be dishonest or untrustworthy. But I also see how there are certain pros involved when a committed person does cheat. I am just explaining what I honestly believe are facts people should consider. And very importantly, if any of you get cheated on in the future, your anger and devastation are understandable, but don't jump to the conclusion that the cheating is total proof that your mate doesn't love you. It is not proof of that. It is only proof that the person caved in to a very powerful force of nature. I think understanding that can take away at least some, and maybe a lot, of the pain of finding out your partner has cheated on you. It seems that it would help on at least some level.