Have you done it, has someone done it to you, WHY do people do it, and lastly please tell me that most people don't actually do it and that I shouldn't worry about it.
(I ask because my past relationship has left me a bit traumatized. :( :( :( )
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Have you done it, has someone done it to you, WHY do people do it, and lastly please tell me that most people don't actually do it and that I shouldn't worry about it.
(I ask because my past relationship has left me a bit traumatized. :( :( :( )
Well OK, let me tell you about cheating. First, let's define terms here:
Cheater: 1) A selfish b@stard - male or female - who thinks that their personal whims are more important than their integrity and the well-being and feelings of those they falsely proclaim to love. 2) Several of my Ex. girlfriends.
Cheating: A selfish act perpetrated by a cheater upon a mistreated, well-intentioned romantic partner.
Cheating is one of those things that p!sses me off and diminishes my respect for people. I've ditched friends for cheating on their partners and I've lost lovers to cheating. Your integrity is all you've got in life. If you lose everything, your character is what will determine the outcome of the experience. Your character reflects your, actions, your circle of friends and your life's path. Why compromise your character? It's your most important attribute.
Equally as vital is the effect on those you lie to and steal from. Cheating is lying and stealing. If you don't like being lied to and stolen from then you'd better not do it to others. If you aren't satisfied with the one you're with then say so and get out. But, damn it, don't f*ck over others for your own selfish pleasures.
As may be evident, I hate liars, I hate thieves and I hate cheaters. I've been screwed over by too many of each in my life. I don't screw you over, don't screw me over.
Now, in the interest of full disclosure - and so I'm not a hypocrite - I must confess that I slept with a soon-to-be-married woman once (when I was right out of high school). I lost a friend that day, I lost a little respect for myself and I had to cope with the guilt for awhile. They ended up getting married (postponed) still but I hate the thought that I screwed over two people that day. I knew damn well I was wrong but I was stupid and selfish. I learned from the other side of the fence that day that the grass is not greener on the other side.
I would never do that to some one I pledge my heart and commitment to. It just isn't fair to either of us. It just isn't worth it.
I wish I could tell you that cheating isn't common but, it seems like every you turn, there's some @sshole sleeping around. That's why I've been single for a few years. When I find some one I feel I can connect with again, they're already taken. I don't trust too many women these days. I'm not the type to be jealous and worried all the time. I'm also not the type to jump into a relationship for the sex alone. Oh, I love the sex - don't get me wrong - but if that's all there is then don't waste my time.
Did I mention that I'm a bit gun-shy these days?
Wow. That's a lot of pain. Although I agree mostly.Quote:
Originally Posted by Oneironaught
I would say that there is another category of cheaters, who fall into the "I'm shallow and need it to make me feel better about myself" category.
I can understand to some extent how some people could do it, I am in a relationship, very seriously, with someone whom I love and trust completely. Yet at the same time I am attracted to other people, mostly physically (one emotionally) whom I could very easily sleep with or cheat on my girlfriend with, and I would consider it something completely pysical and nothing more that filling the primal urge to "spread my seed" as a man.
But, I don't, because cheating isn't about sleeping with someone, it's about breaking trust. As soon as I do something to break my girlfriend's trust in me, I have cheated, whether it's sleeping with someone, or asking them for the time.
I wouldn't be able to wake up and look myself in the mirror each morning knowing that I've done something to break her trust in me, to hurt her, for however simple, selfish, or completely accidental reasons. So that's why I won't do it.
I have NEVER cheated on any girl I have been with. But I have been cheated on. And I am of the thinking now that it is infact the minority that don't cheat. It's a nasty thought to have, and the more you are hurt, the more your going to e suspicious of new relationships! I don't know how I'm going to let go should I find someone again. I have been hurt plenty in the past!! So much so that the last relationship I got into I already had the mentality that it was all going to end with me being hurt, so didn't really put much expectation in to it being worth trying for. And it did all end in tears!
But, I might just be unlucky I guess. Maybe I attract the wrong type of girl, who knows?
Good luck in your search for a decent guy :)
Nope, that falls under my first definition: Cheater: 1) A selfish b@stard - male or female - who thinks that their personal whims are more important than their integrity and the well-being and feelings of those they falsely proclaim to love.Quote:
Originally Posted by 13redfan
I've got to say, I don't like that train of thought at all. That's the kind of thing cheaters tell them selves to justify and excuse their cheating behaviour. "But it didn't mean anything... You're the one I love..." Those words make me cringe.Quote:
...and I would consider it something completely pysical and nothing more that filling the primal urge to "spread my seed" as a man.
You nailed it right there.Quote:
But, I don't, because cheating isn't about sleeping with someone, it's about breaking trust. As soon as I do something to break my girlfriend's trust in me, I have cheated, whether it's sleeping with someone, or asking them for the time.
Thanks for the replies guys.
See that sort of thing would already break my heart a little. Maybe I expect too much by wanting to be someone's one and only?Quote:
Yet at the same time I am attracted to other people, mostly physically (one emotionally) whom I could very easily sleep with or cheat on my girlfriend with.
I don't think you expect too much.. Why would it be expecting too much to have one person as devoted to you as you are them? I would love this! To be able to give my all to someone, without feeling that they might not want to reciprocate...Quote:
Originally Posted by Mes Tarrant
I've never cheated on a girl in my life, but the majority of girlfriends I've had have ended up cheating on me. The past week has been a living Hell because of my fiance, who lives 8 hours away from me and is more than likely cheating on me. Getting drunk with a bunch of guys at her place by herself, then when Im on the phone with her some guy is tickling her and telling her he loves her. What does she do? Laughs it off. Anyways...
Why do people cheat? In the end, they're weak. They are either doing it to get you back for something, or in most cases, they are just too damn weak to suppress their own animal instinct for sex. Extremely sad, in my opinion.
I don't do relationships at all, because of this cheating thing. You're right about being the minority.
You'll have to do it eventually. We're programmed to be happiest in relationships (in good ones, anyway).Quote:
Originally Posted by ranma187
Horizon, I feel like you really have got to have a serious chat with this girl. If you don't you might endure more heartache than you can handle.
Now that makes me more optimistic. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by AdamA
Oneironaught, thank you for sharing those things in your post. Very helpful to see other people's experiences like that.
Well I do have a strange situation, but anyway I don't think you're wanting too much.Quote:
Originally Posted by Mes Tarrant
My girlfriend is my one and only, and I'm her one and only (as far as I know) and I wouldn't consider doing anything with anyone else, regardless, and if I am doing anything that someone might consider crossing the line, I ask her or tell her 1st, if she's not comfortable with it then I won't.
But that doesn't mean I don't find Angelina Jolie attractive, or any other hot girl for that matter. The same as I don't mind that she thinks Johnny Depp is the sexiest creature ever born.
cheating is of the selfish nature of jerks from females to males... they break peoples hearts just to fill their own
I've been cheated on and it wasn't the act itself that broke my heart, it was the complete and irreparable shattering of the trust I'd allowed myself with that bastard.
I didn't care who it was he slept with or why. What I could not stand, and what physically sickened me, was that he'd taken my trust, used it and abused it and then expected me to take him back.
I can not fathom why someone would cheat. I mean, if you want to be out getting laid by someone different every night, don't get into a relationship for Christ's sake. Or at least have the decency to break up with the person youre cheating on so that they can deal then move on.
Exactly.Quote:
Originally Posted by Vex Kitten
I think I'll want a relationship later on in life at course. it's just now i think i need a break.
I've been doing the casual thing for a while. But I'm always honest about it. When some one asks if I'm into a relationship i just say . "I'm not really interested in one right now". Some women have thanked me for being honest about it. BUT, you have to be carefull with it, especially in a "friends with benefits" situation. I didn't know that there was a chemical that goes off in a womans brain, increasing hre emotional attatchment to you every time you spend a night with her.
I had a FWB thing witha woman for about 4 months! so yeah, 4 months is pretty mucha relationship. She eventually sat me down and let me know her true feelings about it. I really like her personality and everything else but she's definately not the type of person i'd see myself with in a serious relationship. That was a tough spot to be in.
I have been cheated on, and my trust of men has never fully recovered.
One night about 7 years ago (when I was still in college), I found out my boyfriend of 2 years had been cheating on me. We were in a long-distance relationship (we lived about 1.5 hrs apart), but I still completely and utterly trusted him. I had never been cheated on before and I thought it was something that happened to other people. After all, he always told me how beautiful and perfect I was, so why would he ever have a reason to cheat?
So when I found out one night he was cheating on me, I was completely shocked and appalled. I felt so confused and betrayed. I lost about 15 lbs (and I didn't have any extra weight to lose) and had no self-worth left. The boyfriend somehow got me to believe it didn't mean anything and it would never happen again, so I continued to drive to see him (he never made the effort to come see me). I found out he was still seeing the whore he was cheating on me with, so I finally got the guts to break it off completely, even after my self-esteem has been completely shattered.
Shortly thereafter, I met my now-husband and I'm very happy now. But I always have the seed of distrust and paranoia that I am going to get cheated on again. I know these thoughts are irrational, but I can't help it. That whole ordeal left me damaged and I'll never be the same again. I don't think about it as much as I used to, and I know my hubby would never do that, but then that little voice in the back of my mind pipes up and says, "but you thought the boyfriend would never cheat either, and you were too blind to notice what was going on", so then I feel like I have to be extra vigilant or I might miss the signs.
I probably sound like a total psycho, but that kind of thing drastically changes your perception of people. I've gotten to the point now that I try to push bad thoughts out of my mind and not let those vile thoughts take root and influence my actions. Whatever will be, will be, and that's it.
I've just never understood why people cheat. If you are in an exclusive relationship, and you feel like fucking someone else, either don't do it, or just break up with that person first! God why is that so hard for people to understand?? In my ex's case, it was just being greedy - he could have me once a week, and the other girl any other time. It makes my blood boil just thinking about it again. grrrr... Death to all cheaters!!!
/rant
I see where your coming from Burns, but I hope when I meet the one, I will know it and will be able to let myself go with her and not ever think about things like this. I'm still hoping that when she comes into my life she will give me everything like I will give to her. I still hold out hope. I have been badly hurt and miss treated by girls, so hoping there is someone out there right for me. Unfortunately I'm a typical Libran :)
Quote:
Librans are sensitive to the needs of others and have the gift, sometimes to an almost psychic extent, of understanding the emotional needs of their companions and meeting them with their own innate optimism - they are the kind of people of whom it is said, "They always make you feel better for having been with them." They are very social human beings. They loathe cruelty, viciousness and vulgarity and detest conflict between people, so they do their best to cooperate and compromise with everyone around them, and their ideal for their own circle and for society as a whole is unity.
In their personal relationships they show understanding of the other person's point of view, trying to resolve any differences by compromise, and are often willing to allow claims against themselves to be settled to their own disadvantage rather than spoil a relationship. They like the opposite sex to the extent of promiscuity sometimes, and may indulge in romanticism bordering on sentimentality.
Their marriages, however, stand a good chance of success because they are frequently the union of "true minds". The Libran's continuing kindness toward his or her partner mollifies any hurt the latter may feel if the two have had a tiff. Nor can the Libran's spouse often complain that he or she is not understood, for the Libran is usually the most empathetic of all the zodiacal types and the most ready to tolerate the beloved's failings.
Yes, I'm sure you will find the One and it will be everything you hoped for and more. And yeah, even though you've been stomped on by other girls, that doesn't mean the next one you date has to suffer for it. Which is the reason I have to try to forgive and forget, and know that what I have going for me now would've never happened if that bastard had never cheated on me, so everything happens for a reason, and I can't imagine my life any other way. Thanks, AdamA, for helping me realize that.Quote:
Originally Posted by AdamA
btw, where did you find that quote info? I'd like to see what it says about Pisces. :)
Yeah, everything does happen for a reason, and what you have now, would never have happened otherwise!!!
http://www.astrology-online.com/pisces.htm
Quote:
Pisces! About Your Sign...
Pisces,
Pisceans possess a gentle, patient, malleable nature. They have many generous qualities and are friendly, good natured, kind and compassionate, sensitive to the feelings of those around them, and respond with the utmost sympathy and tact to any suffering they encounter. They are deservedly popular with all kinds of people, partly because their easygoing, affectionate, submissive natures offer no threat or challenge to stronger and more exuberant characters. They accept the people around them and the circumstances in which they find themselves rather than trying to adapt them to suit themselves, and they patiently wait for problems to sort themselves out rather than take the initiative in solving them. They are more readily concerned with the problems of others than with their own.
Their natures tend to be too otherworldly for the practical purposes of living in this world as it is. They sometimes exist emotionally rather than rationally, instinctively more than intellectually (depending on how they are aspected). They long to be recognized as greatly creative. They also dislike disciple and confinement. The nine-to-five life is not for them. Any rebellion they make against convention is personal, however, as they often times do not have the energy or motivation to battle against the Establishment.
Pisceans tend to withdraw into a dream world where their qualities can bring mental satisfaction and sometimes, fame and financial reward for they are extremely gifted artistically. They are also versatile and intuitive, have quick understanding, observe and listen well, and are receptive to new ideas and atmospheres. All these factors can combine to produce remarkable creativity in literature, music and art. They may count among their gifts mediumistic qualities which can give them a feeling that their best work comes from outside themselves, "Whispered beyond the misted curtains, screening this world from that." Even when they cannot express themselves creatively they have a greater than average instinct for, and love of, beauty in art and nature, a catlike appreciation of luxury and pleasure, and a yearning for new sensations and travel to remote, exotic places.
They are never egotistical in their personal relationships and give more than they ask from their friends. They are sexually delicate, in the extreme almost asexual, and most Pisceans would want a relationship in which the partner's mind and spirit rather than the body resonated with their own. Unfortunately they can be easily misled by a lover who courts them delicately and in marriage makes them unhappy by a coarser sexuality than they expected. They are nevertheless intensely loyal and home-loving and will remain faithful.
In their employment they are better working either by themselves or in subordinate positions. Their talents are individual in a commercial business or similar undertaking. They would be afraid to manage more than a small department, worrying always that they would fail in a crisis. They can make fair secretaries and bookkeepers.
Their sympathy equips them for work in charities catering for the needy, as nurses looking after the sick and as veterinary surgeons caring for animals. As librarians or astronomers they can satisfy their mental wanderlust, and their fondness for "faraway places with strange-sounding names" may turn them into sailors or travellers. Many architects and lawyers are Pisceans, and when the creative abilities are combined with gifts of imitation and the ability to enter into the feelings of others, Pisceans find their fulfillment on the stage. Their psychic and spiritual qualities can lead them into careers in the church or as mediums and mystics. They may find an outlet for their creativity as caterers, and are said to make good detectives because they can imagine themselves in the place of criminals and understand how their minds would work. In technical occupations they are well employed in dealing with anaesthetics, fluids, gases and plastics. Because of their lively versatility and inability to concentrate overmuch on any one project, Pisceans often simultaneously follow more than one occupation.
Well, I'd say that's right on. :) Thanks, AdamA.Quote:
Their sympathy equips them for work in charities catering for the needy, as nurses looking after the sick and as veterinary surgeons caring for animals.
Sorry, Mes Tarrant, for hijacking. I'm sorry you've had to experience the whole cheating thing too, but everything will work out for you, and you are too young and beautiful to be hurt by such a worthless loser. Want me to hunt him down and hurt him for you? :D
Its ok Burns, I asked Mes to marry me and she said yes last night, I will take care of her :)
Great! :D So you can "take care of" that cheating bastard for her then! I will lend you my Doberman if you need help running him down. :wink:
No need, I'm sure he has realised his mistakes and is hurting enough from that! If not, there is no need for revenge, some people will never change, and lowering yourself to the level of others who firstly don't respect others, and secondly don't respect themselves is not the answer.
Good things happen to good people in the end :)
In regards to this topic, when I was all depressed and part psycho from being cheated on someone took me aside and explained, "Sometimes you have to go through hell to get to and appreciate heaven."
I believe that. It's what helped me climb out of the hell I was left wallowing in after I was cheated on.
Cheating is just for idiotic people that don't know what they want.
I disagree with "you have to go through hell". WEll it's true on some level. But my experience has been "when is this hell going to end." I think it's important to acknowledge crappy emotions when you get cheated on, or when you feel violated. In my experience, as long as i don't dwell on it too much, I'll be ok.
And isn't it important to realise that over time if you are still upset, that the experience you have now is different than the experiences you had then? That, with your new perspective you can learn from those experiences and move on instead of dwelling on it. That now, you can in fact build better experiences with people in the future based on the understandings from your experience.
I feel your pain. After being cheated on multiple times myself, it's so damn hard to have that trust again. Just when you get cozy, you're haunted by the memories of how perfect everything seemed the last time. You know, BEFORE you were f*cked over, when everything seemed so cinched up and tidy.Quote:
Originally Posted by Burns
If so, maybe we can share a "couple's" straight jacket because I can definitely empathize.Quote:
I probably sound like a total psycho, but that kind of thing drastically changes your perception of people.
Them's :putemuppunk: fightin' words, buddy :DQuote:
Originally Posted by AdamA
Yep, that's exactly the feeling I was trying to describe. And there's always the constant doubt in your mind because of it. *sigh*Quote:
Originally Posted by Oneironaught
And you know what my biggest motivation for letting it go is? My ex would be floored if he knew how much that impacted me, like he had that much control over my emotions for this many years to come. If that's not reason to let it go, I don't know what is.
Well, it's been confirmed, my fiance is screwing some other dude.
Right now, I don't know, I'm furious, depressed, just distraught. And I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but it did. Just a little background info on this whole thing.
I had a friend in the army, we'll call him M. Anyways, decent guy and all, we were bros. So two years after we met in basic, we get back from Iraq, he ditches his wife (whom in reality, the marriage between those two was pretty fake) and gets strung out on drugs, and goes AWOL. Not uncommon to push the limit when you get back from the sandbox, but he went to far (like stealing my Ipod, PSP, cd player, and other things, so he could buy crack). Anyways, so his wife, who I had met before, calls me asking about him, since she hadn't heard from him in months. FYI he was also living with some 30 year old woman at the time, and planning on getting married. His wife didn't know any of this. So I felt bad for her, really bad, and decided I would help her out, since we had both been screwed over by M. So I helped her get her finances straight, helped her through the divorce process, etc etc etc. Also, I supported her emotionally the best I could, since she was a wreck. Well during all this time we kind of formed a bond, and hit it off. After months and months, we knew we were in love and wanted to get married, start a family, blah blah. It should be noted that the amount of heartache, grief, depression, not to mention the amount of money spent on her, I went through for her was amazing in retrospect. I don't know how I did it. My whole drive during all this was the fact that I've tried to devote my life to helping others, and that I couldn't give this up. To shorten this up a bit, let's just say that recently I havent gotten any calls, she never answers the phone, and when she does she is drunk with this one guy. Now this is pretty obvious, but hey, I let her exlpain and like an idiot, I bought it. Tonight though, talking with her sister, she revealed that yes, she was doing this guy, and that they pretty much live together now.
I'm sorry this is such a long post, but I had to get it off my chest. I mean, she was my fiance for God's sake. I know there have been way worse cases of this with actual married couples, but still. It hurts. I know there are plenty more fish in the sea, and that's all I've been hearing from friends, but come on. Every girlfriend I've had, I've been cheated on. Have I ever cheated on anyone? Hell no, and I never will.
Damn, it would just be nice to find somebody who wasn't so damn weak.
That's horrible. After everything you went though this happens? I don't know what else to say but my heart goes out to you.
A very dim bright side to this, at least you found out how she is before you married her.
Hang in there and let yourself heal. And remember than not everyone is a cheating bitch or bastard. (though it seems like it at times)
lol this MSN convo seemed fitting for the thread. a friend of mine was freakin over some girl.
anonymous- says:
GOD DAMMIT.. that is all i have to say
Trick of the Mind says:
???????
anonymous- says:
you rememeber i said about giving up the other women for that 1chick
anonymous- says:
she played me, big time... mutha fucker
Trick of the Mind says:
oh his is PIMP?
anonymous- says:
actually broke my heart, thats twice that happened to me
anonymous- says:
yep dude
Trick of the Mind says:
oh ok
Trick of the Mind says:
LOL
Trick of the Mind says:
i was just about to go out and see my fb
anonymous-says:
this is not funny... twice my heart been broken this past month lol
Trick of the Mind says:
OMG
anonymous- says:
i only have 1 fb left
Trick of the Mind says:
i so wish i could be your gf and all
Trick of the Mind says:
but i gotta go soon
anonymous- says:
O.o
anonymous-says:
ur worse than her lol
Trick of the Mind says:
playin dude
anonymous- says:
fair enough
anonymous- says:
i see it as opening new doors to me
Trick of the Mind says:
just get out and have some fun
anonymous says:
new women, new experiences
anonymous says:
good luck
Trick of the Mind says:
get drunk!
anonymous says:
nope
-={Kyle}=- says:
don't need to get drunk
anonymous says:
i've learnt from that
anonymous says:
ok dude later, have fun ^-^
Trick of the Mind says:
ok lol
anonymous says:
ooo p.s. also found out i went with my mates gf last saterday
anonymous says:
she lied to me, when she said about not havn a bf
anonymous says:
also today went with another chick with a bf... omg are there any single / honest women out there?
Trick of the Mind says:
LOL
anonymous says:
oh wel i'll enjoy it, and reap the benifits, but i know it will be hard later in life... to trust women
Trick of the Mind says:
i know
anonymous says:
heck only 1 has cum close to my expectations
Trick of the Mind says:
yeah?
anonymous says:
but she is dumping her 2 year bf for my friend lol
anonymous says:
she would never cheat lol
anonymous says:
so she going to just break it off with him for a fling haha...
Trick of the Mind says:
LOL
anonymous says:
youngsters the lot of them
Trick of the Mind says:
crazy bitches.... gotta love em still
anonymous says:
i shouldn't date girls 18-24
anonymous- says:
i prefer 25ish... far more experienced farrrrrr better at being loyal
Anonymous says:
hopefully
Anonymous says:
cause i aint really tried 25+
Trick of the Mind says:
i'm 22 my fb is 30 lol
Anonymous says:
hah nice, but remember women age faster than guys
Trick of the Mind says:
makes me coffee every morning
Anonymous says:
soon she wlil be wrinkly
Trick of the Mind says:
buy's me smokes and t-shirts
Anonymous says:
cool, ur her toy boy
Trick of the Mind says:
i suspect she's fucking other guys... but i don't care really
Anonymous says:
i had the chance to do the same with a 32 yr old woman.. but to me she looked bad... (not attractive)
Anonymous says:
she just found out her husband fucked about with 3 other women
Anonymous says:
she wanted revenge, i was in her house.. lol
Trick of the Mind says:
yeah. i felt the sameway last weekend when some fatty trie to pick me up
Trick of the Mind says:
everyone is fucking cheating LOL
Anonymous- says:
i know
Anonymous says:
that is the only thing i'm dissapointed in
Trick of the Mind says:
it's not just guys, or women... it's everyone
Anonymous says:
i know..it sux
Trick of the Mind says:
well on the bright side. more variety for us!
I'm really thinking more and more that there aren't. And guys are just as bad. :confused:Quote:
also today went with another chick with a bf... omg are there any single / honest women out there?
Dammit. That entire post p!sses me off. It's so depressing that nobody gives a sh!t anymore. Looks like I'll be single for a long, long time to come. Why the hell bother anymore?
Burns and Adam, wow thanks for the support and offer of physical violence!! :D :hug:
Holy crap, Horizon Driver. :mad::mad::mad: I just can't believe someone can do that!! I can't, can't, can't.
I personally don't like the phrase "plenty of fish in the sea".. I don't want to go through a bunch of fish.. okay I don't know, I'm jet lagged.
Has anyone tried this: at the beginning of a relationship, sitting the person down and making it clear that trust is everything? Maybe these people just don't realise how important that is. I mean if you have trust, nearly everything else can be worked on.
Pleaaaase don't say that. :(:( It will be okay. In fact just recently I chatted with someone who thought the same way. Maybe people just think it's cool to sleep around with as many people as possible. Somehow I don't think they'll be happy in the end. But there are those rare few who have something called morals. Now if we can only find a way of detecting them.. hmmm.. must make a machine of some sort. ;)Quote:
Dammit. That entire post p!sses me off. It's so depressing that nobody gives a sh!t anymore. Looks like I'll be single for a long, long time to come. Why the hell bother anymore?
I thought they already had that. They call it a ** machine ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Mes Tarrant
I'm just saying.
I'd also like something less subtle though.. something that's bulky and beeping. :D To be used in highly public places.
Fair enough. Subtlety is not my specialty :(Quote:
Originally Posted by Mes Tarrant
well for the moral thing. What you could do is create a test for the person without them knowing. Some may think it's Immoral but if it gets you what you want.... Remember the movie Anger Management?
all i Know is that people I meet on the street, bars etc. tested my character many times until i figured it out. That's why i had a hard time, taking what people ask at face value.
example of test:
scenario: A woman is at a bar, club, social event. She meets a nice charming guy named john. The attraction is obvious. BUt she's not sure if this is a guy who will just pressure her and use her for sex. she wants to find out if He'll like her for HER and not just her body. How would she find out?. she could ask. BUT in her experience she's been lied to by guys before. So she can't take what he says at face value.
So what does she do? creates a test to reveal his character traits that he doesn't know about.
She might ask him "so, are you here to pick up girls?" slightly seductive tone, with sexually implied touching.
Surface structure of the question:
Are you here to pick up girls?
deep structure: Implies sexual encounter.
Deeper structure: She wants to find out. what his traits are. Will he just use me?
John answers: WEll yeah! are you offering???
John's answer reveals he is primarily interested in sex. In fact it comes off a bit weak and needy. He fails the test.
instead if john answers: Yes! seen any good ones here?
Answer reveals he has a sense of humor. He may be interested in sex but certainly isn't needy about it. she thinks "is this because he values more important things?"
he passes test.
John answers: Yes, of course, I'd love nothing more than to have breakfast with you. BUT, i think it would be better we get to know each other better first.
Johns answer reveals he has a sense of humor. He clearly states his sexuality. yet, he is not needy about it. in fact He is interested in her as a human being. She thinks "This guy is a catch. a rare one indeed!
John passes test.
For all of you who think I'm a quack for posting this. This Stuff is real. All you have to do is be social and you will run into it.
Yes, funny movie. Funnier than I expected.Quote:
Originally Posted by ranma187
I don't think you're a quack at all; I know you're right. I'm just chicken sh!t most of the time. Unless I see something really special I take the passive route. That route does nothing for me either but at least it's easier on the nerves and heart.Quote:
For all of you who think I'm a quack for posting this. This Stuff is real. All you have to do is be social and you will run into it.
Plus, if you heard the way I talk to women you'd know that I'm telling the truth. I tend to "wear my heart on my sleeve" and I don't think that works too well for me - at all. In fact, I'd venture as far as saying that it's a huge turn-off and that it actually works against me. But, that's the way I am and I doubt I'll change any time soon.
Or maybe it's that I'm too picky. Either way, I'm a sad, sad man who needs a good, swift kick in the @ss.
*Put's up hand*Quote:
Originally Posted by Mes Tarrant
:p
I'm surprised that 100% of the posters were 100% against cheating.
The truth is almost never absolute.
I would never cheat, because it goes against my personality.
but other people, in some situations can find cheating a legitimate action.
For example:
1) when you found out your partner is cheating on you: before you confront the partner, you can cheat a little. This may have the advantage of being able to forgive your partner more easily.
2) when you are happily married for a long time, you can cheat on extremely rare occasions. For some people this will help them to keep the marriage going well.
I agree both of these examples are debatable and controversial, but like I said this is not as absolute wrongess as all of the posters seem to believe.
People who cheat sicken me. I've been cheated on, and it is not fun. Thank goodness that I have a person like I do, who understands this premise as well as I.
I am much more understanding toward the first one but not the second... wtf?? How does the second one make any sense?Quote:
1) when you found out your partner is cheating on you: before you confront the partner, you can cheat a little. This may have the advantage of being able to forgive your partner more easily.
2) when you are happily married for a long time, you can cheat on extremely rare occasions. For some people this will help them to keep the marriage going well.
I was wondering the same thing... :wtf:Quote:
Originally Posted by Mes Tarrant
I think possibly what dodobird might be getting at are some relationships, or marriages dont have the physical side to them, so people might cheat to get that satisfaction out the way and then concentrate on everything else in the marriage, thats about the only thing I could come up with.
Either way people suck, and will always shit on others!!
To the married thing. I heard a guy who was a hypnotherapist once talk about his practice and women. (his website is www.trucor.com).
for years he had women come into his office. None of these women had any specific problems. they just wanted a way to feel good about themselves. Most of these women were married. Of the married clients. no 50% not 80 or even 90%, of these women, were either having affairs, had affairs, or thinking about having them. but all of them!
All these women were unhappy with their mairrages. either their husbands didn't listen to them, gave them shit, or failed to sexually satisfy them on a regular basis. Now a lot of girls on here might argue with me here, BUT it is a FACT that you cannot have a succesfull relationship without SEX. I hate DR. Phil but even HE aGREES with me on this one. I'm not saying a relationship IS SEX, but it is an important factor, as listening, communicating, and appreciating each other's needs.
What i think the problem here is honesty.
WOMEN, if you are in a relationship with a guy who treats you bad, is bad in bed, doesn't listen to you, or lies. GET RID OF HIM and only go for what you want. search high and low... you will find him! my promise! start with me:p
Because i am sick of hearing women in my town and in my social circle say stuff like "i love him, but he cheats. Does he really love me." honest to god, the last woman that told me that, had two guys over at her house THAT NIGHT. Neither of them was the guy she was talking about. and neither of them knew of eachother. How do i know this? I'm dating her sister!
First off, if you want guys to be honest with you, and not cheat. DON"T LIE AND DON"T CHEAT. Do unto others..... It's not rocket science! I'm not saying ALL women are like this but in my experience, MANY MANY are.
Guys, SAME thing! being a "player" will get you bad karma. if you use women and are dishonest about it. whenever you find the ONE you want, and she cheats and lies. That's karma.
personally i think both men and women on this subject. should first SHUT UP (including me). and start behaving in an honest way. Be honest with yourself, and eachother. Respect yourself and Eachother. it's the only way ANYONE is gonna be happy in this matter.
Thanks, ranma. I think most people replying to this thread though are honest in relationships and are trying to understand why an honest person has to suffer.
I think that if you're in a good relationship but the guy (or girl) is bad in bed, well, that can be worked on! And I say it'd be a blast working on it, too. Personality is what's the constant.
Damn did i ever get just tottally cheated on.
Sorry to hear that, man. I'll never understand why so many people are like that.Quote:
Originally Posted by ranma187
honestly i think it's an insecurty thing.
A lot of people who have low self esteem - when they stumble apon something really good, they think they don't deserve it. So they sabotage it unconciously and their self worth becomes a self-fullfilling prphecy.
I think I'm definately gonna have to figure out where a girl is at in her confidence level. If they don't love and respect themselves, how can they love and respect you? from now on I'm gonna elicit each potential GF's values, on life and herself.
I definitely see what you are saying. But I also understand what everybody else is saying about how cheating destroys trust and causes great pain. That is very true. If a couple has an understanding that it is all about the two of them and that neither one can have sex with anybody else EVER, then when one of them has sex with somebody else, that trust has been violated. If the other one finds out, it can cause horrible pain, which the cheater took a gamble on creating. I agree with all of that. However, I also see where the cheaters are coming from. I think that expecting a person to have sex with just you and nobody else ever as long as the two of you are together is asking for something gigantic, and I would almost say that it is unrealistic to expect it. Again, I understand why people would expect it, but the will to have sexual variety, especially for men (due to nature's "spread the seed" principle) is so damn powerful that a person is almost defeating the forces of nature by adhering to monogamy. I don't really understand how anybody does it. Such an idea feels unnatural to me personally, but if others can be about it, then I can respect that. I have never led a woman to believe that she would be 100% it. I have told several women early on that I am not the commitment type and that I can't make any promises. Some of those situations turned into relationships where freedom was involved. In stating that I wanted my freedom, I of course in turn gave the women their freedom, and I never felt jealous over the idea of one of them sleeping with somebody else. I think sex and romance are two things that often go together but that they are not the same thing. A relationship with that perspective is the only kind I will have. I don't want to live a lie and end up hurting somebody. If I ever get married, which I probably won't, it will have to be an open marriage. I couldn't deal with anything else. Eternity is a very long time.Quote:
Originally Posted by dodobird
From that perspective, I can understand why committed people cheat. I think they are due a certain degree of understanding. Because the will for variety is so strong, I truly believe that in some cases, cheating can be good for a relationship. The will for deviation can build up to something so overwhelming that it destroys a relationship. That factor becomes especially serious with married couples who have kids. I adamantly believe that couples who have kids need to do everything in their power to stay together and raise the kids together, unless there is abuse or something. If they just absolutely have to fight, they need to get the Hell away from the kids to do it. They need to hold on with everything they have to keep the marriage together so the kids can have both parents raising them. Occasional cheating, done with extreme caution so the spouse/mate doesn't find out, can relieve a great deal of the tension that comes with the very rigid state of being committed to one person. That tension can cause a great deal of stress, which turns into resentment and hostility. Cheating, even just once in a while or for short phases, can mop that up extremely well. I have seen the evidence that it does in some cases.
I know people who have been in very long relationships who cheated sometimes and swore that their relationships would become much more upbeat and positive every time they did it. The ball on the chain doesn't seem so weighted to the ground afterwards. There is increased relaxation and decreased claustrophobia that results. I can completely see how that would be the case, and I have seen the positive reactions that result. A lot of relationships would not make it very long if cheating were not involved. But that is only when it is done by people who know how to pull it off without raising any suspicion. The result of getting found out is emotional devastation of somebody innocent and very likely a really nasty ending of the relationship, which could be a divorce that puts children through total Hell. That is why if a relationship is dependant on occasional cheating, it has to be done with supercaution.
My point is that I see the pros and cons. I myself don't ever get committed enough to do what could be called cheating. I don't want to be dishonest or untrustworthy. But I also see how there are certain pros involved when a committed person does cheat. I am just explaining what I honestly believe are facts people should consider. And very importantly, if any of you get cheated on in the future, your anger and devastation are understandable, but don't jump to the conclusion that the cheating is total proof that your mate doesn't love you. It is not proof of that. It is only proof that the person caved in to a very powerful force of nature. I think understanding that can take away at least some, and maybe a lot, of the pain of finding out your partner has cheated on you. It seems that it would help on at least some level.
I can't trust anyone. Period.
I've been too trusting in the past...and have had to learn the hard way that people by nature are not trustworthy.
Things get alot easier when you stop expecting anyone to see you as their one true love...and never ever look at or desire another woman. If those are your expectations you're always going to get hurt. I've seen so many relationships ruined by girlfriends or boyfriends that try too hard to control their mate and therefore the other just pulls away. When you allow them their space...let them go and flirt with whoever they want. They're going to do it anyway, whether you know it or not. When you freak out about it, you become the psycho girlfriend. If you give them their space, they'll realize that you're extremely cool and will be less inclined to cheat on you. At least, that's what I've learned. *shrugs*
Wow, you and I are wired completely differently. I can't understand the perspective of not committing 100%. I won't argue what you said, I just can't grasp it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Universal Mind