Tell me about your first time....

No I havent gone off the edge and decided to probe into dv members sex lifes, I want to know if and when u came to realise that you care about someone you have never met in person and how you felt the first time, and basically just how people feel about online feelings, Ok i will elaborate with an example:

I have been talking to a female friend online for about four years, she lives in Ohio usa, i live in Suffolk uk, we have never met in person but probably know more about each other than our husbands know about us, The thing is when your engaging online you have to talk talk talk or you have nothing,but someone sat next to you theres not always need to talk deeply. This friend and I talk everyday pretty much and leave each other offline messages if our schedules fail us. I never really brought into the whole online feelings thing before and almost approached internet chat rooms and forums the way i would say ...a playstation.. turn it on, have fun and then turn it off, and the next day, new game, new people and new fun! It wasnt until this week that i realised that i genuinley care about her, She had a tragedy in her life recently and i found myself worried about her, even as far as to call her in my dinner hour from work and then again on the way home to see if shes ok.Once i realised what i had done i started thinking back over the last few years about how much money i have spent on her birthday presents, xmas presents, christening gifts for 2 of her kids, never mind the postage costs... (all of which she reciprocated )And i realise that if i saw it as a game surely i wouldnt have spent anything at all on her. So my own subconsious acts lead me to the question... are feelings for someone you have never met in person genuine or all part of some weird subconsious game you have simply got attached to?

I have some history that touches on this, and I think I have learned a lot about the situation.

The people we know and love are attached to us not just emotionally, but situationally. If that situation changes, the relationship is likely to change as well. It could get better, it could get worse. Or it could simply look a whole lot different.

Example: You hang out with a co-worker for years, having a drink with them after work, maybe even go bowling once or twice. You're chummy, and feel like you know them pretty well. Then one day the two of you discover that he's a radical right-wing conservative while you're a radical left-wing liberal. You never talked about politics before! The next thing you know, ALL you can talk about is politics, but the talk is really more sort of shouting, and there isn't so much in the way of after-work drinks or bowling anymore.

Now consider the online-only relationship. Here you really get a chance to know someone's better side, and almost never the worse side. You have no idea that she constantly picks her nose in public, sneers at people as they pass, and sticks her finger down her throat after every meal. Maybe she often scrapes other cars in parking lots while trying to park, and never leaves a note. Maybe she's delusional, and that friend of hers she always talked about doesn't really exist.

None of those things matter when you're talking online. Online, you can be great friends. But for this person, meeting them would turn the friendship on its head, and it wouldn't last long.

Of course this is a worse-case scenario, but it makes for a clear example of what I mean.

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Originally Posted by skysaw

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Now consider the online-only relationship. Here you really get a chance to know someone's better side, and almost never the worse side. You have no idea that she constantly picks her nose in public, sneers at people as they pass, and sticks her finger down her throat after every meal. Maybe she often scrapes other cars in parking lots while trying to park, and never leaves a note. Maybe she's delusional, and that friend of hers she always talked about doesn't really exist.

None of those things matter when you're talking online. Online, you can be great friends. But for this person, meeting them would turn the friendship on its head, and it wouldn't last long.

Of course this is a worse-case scenario, but it makes for a clear example of what I mean.

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I agree, thats why until this particular person i never allowed myself to become emotionally attached to anyone online, I am kinda cynical generally and have always had problems beliving what people say on here, Is easy to lie on the internet, i mean whos likely to ever really find out.

I had my first online friend die this year, which was strange. It wasn't even anyone that I was that close with, compared to other people I know online, just someone I'd catch up with every couple months, really. It was kind of like a friend's mom dying or something, someone you hadn't really considered a part of your life, but it turns out they had this small role that's now vacant.

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Originally Posted by marlie

I agree, thats why until this particular person i never allowed myself to become emotionally attached to anyone online,

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Wish I could say the same, but at least I learned my lesson!

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I am kinda cynical generally and have always had problems beliving what people say on here, Is easy to lie on the internet, i mean whos likely to ever really find out.

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It really goes beyond deception. Two people can have all the good intentions in the world and be honest to a fault, but simply not work as friends in real life. You really have to be with someone face-to-face for awhile to start to see who they are. And you don't really know somone until one or both of you goes through a crisis and you can see how each of you react to it.

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Originally Posted by skysaw

Wish I could say the same, but at least I learned my lesson!

It really goes beyond deception. Two people can have all the good intentions in the world and be honest to a fault, but simply not work as friends in real life. You really have to be with someone face-to-face for awhile to start to see who they are. And you don't really know somone until one or both of you goes through a crisis and you can see how each of you react to it.

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Eh, I've gone through all that, and found that whilst some of my online friends naturally drift apart, some still stay in touch and one I've pretty much gotten pretty attached to. Normally, I keep pretty detached, but even then, emotion can still get the better of you.

As for going through a crisis, with this one in particular, we've gone through several of them, and we've still come out of each one still close.

Eh... I have yet to do a meet-up with any sort of online friend, but in general, I've gone through many friends (both IRL and online), and if anything, the experiences are similar. The potential for deception is greater with online, yes, but in time, things usually reveal themselves...

Just so I don't sound like I think it's always a bad idea, I should point out that I met my wife online at match.com, and we've been together for over six years now.

Of course we only met that way. We didn't try to sustain any kind of relationship online.

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Originally Posted by skysaw

Wish I could say the same, but at least I learned my lesson!


It really goes beyond deception. Two people can have all the good intentions in the world and be honest to a fault, but simply not work as friends in real life. You really have to be with someone face-to-face for awhile to start to see who they are. And you don't really know somone until one or both of you goes through a crisis and you can see how each of you react to it.

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I like to think im pretty much the same person in real life as i am online, I dont lie on here because I think that to have to lie to justify who you are to people you dont really know or particuarly care about is kinda sad and doesnt say a lot for your offline life. I once met a local girl who I kinda knew through a friend i went to college with, we found each other on faceparty and became seriously chatty and jokey with each other, we both realised we were going to the same bar one night so looked out for each other, eventually we saw each other and i walked over to talk to her, it was the most awkward ten minutes of my life to that point. After the initial smalltalk had wore off neither of us knew what to say and i found myself desperatley trying to end the interaction by saying we were going to another bar in a few minutes, she said she was going there too ( the clubs and bars are in strip, so most people end up bumpin into each other over and over) All night we saw each other in diff bars and each time we just politley smiled and nodded. What was weird was that a few days later on msn we were back to normal, chatting, laughing and joking. We bumped into each other a few times since recently and again.. awkward small talk. so so odd.

It's not all that different from live friends that you know in a certain context, like skysaw's co-worker example. It can be great having a person around in a certain setting, and sometimes you can grow the friendship beyond it, but sometimes it just doesn't work.

Like your girl at the bar, Marlie, sometimes when it doesn't work you just rebound to where you were, which is nice vs. having something hanging over the old relationship.

I've been in Second Life for years, which is a wild place to watch and experience this stuff happening because the social aspect is so developed and so varied. Some people keep their "second life" strictly separate from the first, while other people party with SL friends whenever travel makes their paths cross. I know a handful of couples in SL who moved to be together in RL, even crossing continents. Among other things, SL is basically the whole social aspect of the rest of the internet on crack, in 3D :D