Recurring dreams about dead friend

I've been having recurring dreams about my dead friend. She died this winter of Cystic Fibrosis. She and I used to be close in early high school, but after one of our friends transferred to another school, things got kind of rocky between us. She wanted to branch out and make new friends, and I wanted to keep things the way they were, with just the two of us. She ended up ignoring me completely and leaving me for her new friends without telling me why. Finally, after we went without speaking at all for a long time, she apologized and said she ignored me because she was afraid to tell me the truth. We were on good terms from then on, but not friends in the way that we used to be.

Then last year she was hospitalized for a collapsed lung. After many surgeries she moved to another state so she could be close to a good lung transplant center. She died after a lung stapling surgery there. I didn't talk to her before she died very much. We just sort of lost contact. And I regret that I didn't talk to her, because I feel that we really could have been good friends again if we had tried to start things up again.

I didn't really grieve after she died, at least not in what I'd consider a normal way. I didn't cry and still haven't. I still feel like I'm in shock, though now when I think of it there is a deep sadness. I do wish that I could talk to her again, more than anything. And I wish that she could come back to life. I don't feel like it's really sunk in that she's dead, and I don't know if it will.

So, onto the dreams - I keep having dreams where she is alive again. In the dream I am aware that she was dead but has returned to life for whatever reason, and I am ecstatic. I always try to go to her and talk to her, but she either disappears, walks away, or ends up being another person that I mistook for her. The first time this happened, she was back at school because they had managed to revive her, but the doctors had told her that she had only a few more months to live. She left the classroom before I had a chance to see her. The next time this happened I remembered in the dream that she was dead, and she disappeared instantly from in front of me, so I started crying. In another dream, she was standing on a stage, and when I went up to see her, she went backstage. And in last night's dream, someone else was dressed up like her with her make up and clothes, and I became extremely angry and upset when I realized that they were simply pretending to be her, not only because that meant she was still dead, but because I felt like they were trying to replace her.

I don't really get what these dreams could mean. Any ideas?

It’s always best when someone who wants a dream or dreams interpreted that they provide the kind of detail such as you have done in relation to your former friend who unfortunately passed away and who is basically the center of the various dreams.

The question is, of course, does her appearance (or faked presence in the most recent dream) mean mostly a kind of personal relationship situation that was not fully resolved through ongoing contact before her death, or is it mostly a case of the dream using the outer person’s illness and death as a striking and perhaps upsetting metaphor related to a part of your own personality?

Given what you’ve said, the basic issue that led to a break in the friendship from which it never completely recovered was related to her wanting to branch out and make additional friends that at the time, you were very reluctant to do.

You don’t mention if you generally still prefer to have a small number of close friends as opposed to a mixing with a large group of acquaintances, but if so, this may point to your having the basic nature of a so-called “quiet person” and perhaps your late friend was the typical outgoing type.

So in this approach to the dreams, your friend might symbolize the outgoing side of yourself with which you may not always feel the most comfortable and at ease.

This state of affairs which is “mixed” and “troublesome” could be appearing in the confused feelings and lack of crying at your former friend’s death.

Any feelings of sadness, for example, could include those related to the outer girl who you were once close to, but in addition, to an inner part of yourself which is sometimes “dead”, that is, not conscious and able to be “related to” in dealing with everyday activities to a level that you might think is necessary when maybe it really isn’t.

Maybe by chance, the period surrounding the news of her death and afterwards has been one where you’ve had to be really on your toes as it were regarding certain outer challenges involving relationships with various people when you would rather be in a quieter situation without this type of demand being made so often.

If so, then perhaps sometimes you have been successful in learning how to meet such outer tasks regarding others (first dream where she is alive again in school), but somehow a new found skill etc. can seem to “come and go” instead of being reliable and on call when needed (she left the classroom before you had a chance to talk with her and she only has a few months to live).

A similar idea might appear in the dream where she simply disappears in front of your eyes.

In addition, this dream might also be hinting that the “bonhomie” skills of others in possible contrast to your own at times could be causing you more pain than you might realize (you start crying).

Maybe “play acting” too much regarding your feelings about others (meet her on stage) also isn’t the best way to go (she immediately goes backstage when you go up to speak with her).

Similarly, maybe playing at being an easeful sort of outgoing person too much of the time (someone pretending to be her by wearing her makeup and clothes) should make you “angry” and it would be best to stay closer to being the real you most of the time.

Anyway, this approach may not fit your personal circumstances very well if at all, but if by chance you are basically a quiet, inward looking person and feel that this is “who you are” as opposed to a phase which you will eventually move through, you might like to read “The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World” by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D.

In any case, I hope that these ideas about your dreams can be helpful in some way.

The dreams you are describing are typical for people who are in grief. I don't mean to say, "It's nothing but", because it is more than that. But sometimes you feel better when you know that what you are feeling and going though is not uncommon. If your google for "grief dreams" for instance, you will find several sources which might be interesting to read.