I've been having recurring dreams about my dead friend. She died this winter of Cystic Fibrosis. She and I used to be close in early high school, but after one of our friends transferred to another school, things got kind of rocky between us. She wanted to branch out and make new friends, and I wanted to keep things the way they were, with just the two of us. She ended up ignoring me completely and leaving me for her new friends without telling me why. Finally, after we went without speaking at all for a long time, she apologized and said she ignored me because she was afraid to tell me the truth. We were on good terms from then on, but not friends in the way that we used to be.
Then last year she was hospitalized for a collapsed lung. After many surgeries she moved to another state so she could be close to a good lung transplant center. She died after a lung stapling surgery there. I didn't talk to her before she died very much. We just sort of lost contact. And I regret that I didn't talk to her, because I feel that we really could have been good friends again if we had tried to start things up again.
I didn't really grieve after she died, at least not in what I'd consider a normal way. I didn't cry and still haven't. I still feel like I'm in shock, though now when I think of it there is a deep sadness. I do wish that I could talk to her again, more than anything. And I wish that she could come back to life. I don't feel like it's really sunk in that she's dead, and I don't know if it will.
So, onto the dreams - I keep having dreams where she is alive again. In the dream I am aware that she was dead but has returned to life for whatever reason, and I am ecstatic. I always try to go to her and talk to her, but she either disappears, walks away, or ends up being another person that I mistook for her. The first time this happened, she was back at school because they had managed to revive her, but the doctors had told her that she had only a few more months to live. She left the classroom before I had a chance to see her. The next time this happened I remembered in the dream that she was dead, and she disappeared instantly from in front of me, so I started crying. In another dream, she was standing on a stage, and when I went up to see her, she went backstage. And in last night's dream, someone else was dressed up like her with her make up and clothes, and I became extremely angry and upset when I realized that they were simply pretending to be her, not only because that meant she was still dead, but because I felt like they were trying to replace her.
I don't really get what these dreams could mean. Any ideas?
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