attack and attention

A few nights ago I had a dream that really affected me and I would love some interpretation of it if possible!

About me: I am a girl in my late teens who is fairly intelligent. I have some issues with friendships/relationships in that I have been let down severely in the past and I now have trust issues. I like to be alone a lot of the time and yet when I see my friends doing things without me or leaving me out, I feel extremely down and depressed, even if I am not being left out at all. I also get extremely jealous and suspicious of people for no real reason. I went through a period of self harming but I have been clean for almost a year now. Previously I have tried to open up to people about the way I feel but whenever someone gets close to me I tend to push them away. I'm not sure if this is too much information but I feel it is connected to the dream!

Anyway, my dream started with me walking along in the part of town which one of my 'close friends' lives in. As I walked past her house, I felt a sharp scrape along my back and turned round to see a man holding a knife/saw to my back. Another man appeared and pulled a strap of my bag, opening it but not taking it away from me. He took out of the bag my phone and purse (wallet) but also my sister's phone and purse which were in my bag for some reason. I didn't make any attempt to stop either one of them, and when he took my house keys out of my purse he actually pushed them into my hands and pushed me towards the door to open it. Somehow my house keys opened the door (which was neither the door of mine or my friend's house) and the men pushed me into a house that was unrecognisable to me. They pushed me into a wall and down onto the floor and then attacked my face and back with a knife. The pain was excruciating and felt as though it was ripping apart my face, but did not seem to draw any blood. Somehow I also had my phone hidden in my hands, and tried to text my mother to tell her I was in danger, but my texts would not send. The men were laughing whilst they attacked me, and after about 20 minutes they ran out of the house, which now had a completely open front so I could be seen from the street. I lay there in pain for quite a while before thinking to call 999, which I eventually did.

The next part I remember of my dream was seeing myself on the television on the news talking to Oprah (?) about how I was attacked, with scars, cuts, bruises and strange V-shaped marks that were like burns or bites on the edge of my face and down my neck and back, but no marks covering the majority of my face. Strangers in the street stopped me to tell me how brave I was, and how bad they felt for me. Later I saw my friends and they showered me with gifts and attention. They were obviously so sorry for what had happened to me, but I began to feel guilty as every time I thought back to the attack, I thought of it as less and less serious and like I was making too much of a big deal out of it. I also saw something in my friends' eyes that told me they were only being so attentive to me because they felt bad for me. However, although I knew the friendship they showed was not genuine, I still enjoyed it and was glad of it.

Later I found out that the police had identified my attackers. One of them turned out to be a woman, and looked like a girl I vaguely knew a few years ago, and one was a man I recognised from somewhere but couldn't place. The two had admitted they were the ones who attacked me, and yet the police seemed to do nothing about it, not arrested or detain them. I got angry that my attackers were not being punished, but the more angry I got and tried to explain how much the attack had hurt me, my cuts and bruises began to fade, until I was left with just a single V-shaped cut between my left eye and ear. The police and the attackers started laughing at me, and eventually got bored and left me. The dream ended with me alone, crying and feeling bitterly let-down, before I woke up.

When I woke up I remembered all of my dream vividly and yet strangely I felt upset that I was no longer in the dream. I loved the attention my friends, family and strangers had given me even if it was fake. Later on in the day as I felt left out again from my friends, I began wishing that the attack would really happen so that I could get their attentions and sympathies. However I also feel very uneasy when I think about the dream, almost scared (typing this out was not very fun!), and I now feel paranoid that I am going to be attacked, even though a part of me wants at least the consequences of it.

I am very confused and any help would be appreciated as to either what my dream means or how to get away from it! Thank you

I’m sorry that you’ve been having such a bad time with relationships and in feeling depressed, and now on top of all that, a scary dream has come along.

But you’re right on in feeling that the background information you provided is related to the dream. In fact, without it, it would be harder for anyone to accurately interpret your dream and you’ve been very brave in reaching out by telling your dream and in giving these upsetting details.

The dream is actually trying to give some clues about what’s going on inside so that you can work at feeling better over time.

Dreams use an “as-if” language, so for example, it’s “as if” any negative judgements and opinions about yourself are like men savagely attacking you from behind with a knife/axe.

This is of course a symbolic language, different from that normally used by any doctors who may have talked to you about, for example, you’re previous self-harming.

If you did talk with doctors about it, what they said was correct and accurate, but maybe it didn’t really have the emotional punch that your dream has in the image of the men attacking you from behind, that is, from inside your own mind, causing you previously to self-harm and now to probably often experience self-critical thoughts.

The problem is that feeling bad about yourself has probably gotten to be a habit. This could be symbolized by the house of your friend in the dream into which the men force you.

You may not be very aware, though, of how much any such habit etc. might be controlling you too much of the time (i.e. you don’t recognize the house).

Your outer friend might have some ways of acting etc. that are like your own, and thinking over this idea might help to show you what’s causing some of your current unhappiness.

The “key” to entering any such habit of self-criticism and finding out more about it apparently lies mostly within yourself (as symbolized by your bag).

Your sister might have experienced some of the same things that have caused your own pain as maybe symbolized by her cell phone and purse also being in the bag.

The man takes your cell phone, perhaps representing the fact that too often, certain “lines of communication” are “taken over” by self-hurtful thoughts and opinions which could therefore also affect how your “communicating” with others looks and sounds.

Then an excruciatingly painful attack takes place but there is no blood.

Also, the “text”, i.e. the “words” of your call for help “don’t go through”.

This could possibly mean that deep down, although you often feel upset and worried etc., there could be certain very strong feelings that are never really fully let out and expressed (i.e. “no blood”, just “words”) and this might be part of the reason why you’re continuing to have so many problems relating to your friends.

If something like this is going on, the dream might then be hinting that another method could sometimes take over to soothe you, first suggested by the fact that the front of the house is gone and everyone can see how much you’re suffering.

So unfortunately, through no fault of your own, you might have slipped into the very common automatic mechanism where something inside our minds seeks a kind of forced attention to replace the “just being me” state of affairs.

The latter should normally be enough to make us feel good about ourselves and to have others accept us as well.

But in to-day’s society, there’s often too much pressure to “do” things to impress others instead of just “being” who we are.

So “being in the spotlight” with Oprah and everyone on the street being sympathetic could possibly show that instead of working at getting out of your very frustrating situation, it might seem easier on the surface to “get everyone’s attention” just by drifting into staying so unhappy most of the time.

If anything like this is going on inside without you being aware of it, the dream then points out that any good feelings you might experience sometimes aren’t really genuine enough because the real situation isn’t being dealt with adequately in some ongoing way.

The next part of the dream might be showing the first step of a better way forward.

The police are speaking with the people who attacked you. One is now a woman, possibly symbolizing this mostly unknown part of you (i.e. the girl you once vaguely knew) who kind of likes the attention of others brought about by feeling so unhappy and depressed a lot of the time.

You become enraged with the fact that the police aren’t arresting the people and the longer you express your anger, the more the scars of the attack disappear.

You cry and feel bitterly let down by the callous behaviour of the police and the attackers and then wake up.

The things we feel after waking from a dream and later are sort of “part of the dream” as well, and in this case seem to support the idea that something inside you prefers staying “hurt” so that others will give their attention to you.

As mentioned, the dream could have been hinting that the first step in improving any such situation if it exists would be to find a safe place to fully and genuinely vent your feelings (e.g. like you do in the police station in the dream and which causes the scars to mostly disappear).

This would probably best be done with a trusted counsellor or other health professional with whom you felt comfortable and safe. Later, you could gradually work towards rebuilding your feelings of trust so that you can return to fuller relationships with others.

While working to find a professional to work with, you might like to try some ideas in “The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Depression, Second Edition: A Step-by-Step Program” by William J. Knaus.

Even though you’re probably not clinically depressed, the book contains many useful exercises and ideas from which you can choose those that you relate to best. This book can be found on a site like Amazon for example.

Anyway, I hope that these ideas aren’t too confusing and that they can be helpful in some way to make you feel less afraid about the dream so that you can gradually look into ways to feel better.

Please feel free to ask any questions or to make any comments about this particular way of looking at your very stressful dream.