Humour depleted.
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Sigh.. Can't have it all my way.
WHY THE HELL NOT??!
Listening is a prerequisite to being heard.
I just had a spot test in which we were required to write about 6 pages in just under 40 mins, is that even possible? I swear I'm just too tired right now, and all my teachers gave me fuck loads of homework.
Teacher: I know how I asked you all to learn a 2500 word essay out of your head for next week so I won't be giving much homework this week. Just do Q10 to Q24 and maybe Q25...:idea2:..also try 28 and 30....and give 43 a try....and write a personal response to this....don't forget the 1 1/2 page intro...if anyone want's to hand up spare work I will correct it in my free time *Actually Complusory*. Have a nice day :goodjob2:
More colors is not always betterrrrrrrr. *flips table*
:hug: Crashyy, Suena, everyone else.
I made it back about 7 hours ago and to an absolutely filthy house. The dogs had crapped and peed everywhere (including my mattress :furious:) and my son (of course) was waiting until the last possible second to clean it before my expected return. I returned MUCH earlier than anticipated.
Ugh... and while I was gone my son called to tell me Cuddlebug had died :crying: My son went to take a shower and the bunny was in the stall, having trouble breathing. My son moved him to his usual spot, checked on him an hour later or so and he had died. I worry he died of fear, feeling abandoned. He was especially nervous the couple days before I left. He would thump his foot and I would rush off to see what frightened him. My sons room is at the other end of the house, so he wouldn't have heard the thumps.
Cuddlebug was only 3 1/2 years old :(
.......... after talking to my hubby for nearly an hour (mostly) about if he wants anything to eat tonight or not lol, I am rushing off for food.
I'll update more later.
It is GREAT to be home though :)
Zhay... your son doesn't seem very responsible at all. And I feel bad for the poor bunny. :(
Rant/WTF: So I have a wordpress blog, like half the internet these days. I've not touched it in literally a year. It's the one in my very outdated sig, where I claim I'm posting dreams but haven't posted a thing. Anyways, for most of the past year, I'd get maybe a couple emails a month informing me I had "comments" waiting for approval. From spammers, of course. I basically ignored those. But in the past couple weeks, for some reason that's skyrocketed, so now I get multiple spamming attempts a day. It's kinda cluttering my inbox. I would blame this site because that's the only place I've linked to it, but this sudden influx started when I WASN'T posting here at all. Uh... what? :confused:
...on the other hand, who knows. I might just start using the site again. Obviously people are finding it somehow. Maybe even a non-spammer, one of these days. :D
This universe is beautiful beyond measure.
I bet I could make a good psychopath if I weren't so emotional.
The only difference between asceticism and masochism is an erection.
Singularity, I know what you mean about the spammers. I've had a Wordpress blog for several years now (also unused for at least 2 years lol), and I get the occasional approval notification. Thankfully, I've not gotten the crap-ton you've recently experienced though.
And I've thought about returning as well. But I'm too lazy to be a serious blogger :lol:
My recent rant is that I could not sleep. When I went out for food, I bought a new air mattress. Ugh... I added a wee too much air so it was too hard. I didn't have any proper blankets, so I covered with a fitted sheet and my throw. The top of the mattress feels almost like felt (not the plain plastic I had last time), so it wasn't uncomfortable in that respect... but it still wasn't "right". Then I got the heebiejeebies, and was certain a family of spiders was in the fitted sheet (it was crumpled on my shelf, clean, but I usually shake it out before using them). I tingled all over- it felt like minor bites and pinches- but I succeeded in not giving in and jumping out of bed to "double" check :roll:
Then I froze, mucus blocked my throat and I got severe heartburn. Ugh... So after just 3 hours, I gave up and got up.
And now I'm spitting out blood tinted mucus. I swept my room right before I tried to sleep to get rid of all the stuff the dogs dragged in while I was away. That aggravated my allergies which contributed in making my night miserable. And to top it all off, it feels like someone poured sand into my eyes (extreme dry eyes).
The mucus annoys me more than anything else though. I watched a Dr. show yesterday which showed a woman being given the tube down her throat to help her breathe. After I had my gallbladder surgery, I was told I was way too mucusy for that. He had to remove a lot of it by "hand".
Why the heck do I produce so MUCH lol. It's gross, annoying, and despite it being "illogical", it DOES give me friggin heartburn.
Anyhow.... I'm awake now :bang:
The trip itself was more than a bit stressful. Hubby was cranky but I couldn't blame him. He was there for education credits... and not just his. He also paid to have several of his staff attend because they need to keep up with such things too. Yet the Hospital is likely forcing him into retirement at the first of the year. Just BEING in Chicago pissed him off for that reason alone!!
I encouraged him to get separate beds so I wouldn't beat him up and the beds were amazing. The sheets were tucked so tightly I hardly moved around at all until the last couple of nights. We slept a good bit of the time, ate at McDonalds twice lol and had Sushi and Taco Bell. I was lucky to eat once a day :panic: And I discovered I NEED FOOD :doh: Specifically, I need tiny snacks ALL DAY or I'm in pain.
Which leads into another rant.
When my stomach bothers me, I'm rarely "in pain". I know my body is distressed ONLY because I break out in a serious sweat. And my stomach "growls". It feels like I'm starving to death. But the pain is different. It's not like bumping your head or stubbing your toe. It's also not like stomach cramps, aching muscles or a headache. If I eat pretty much ANYTHING, the sweating goes away and I no longer feel like I'm starving. Belching often helps too which tells me it's gas pain. But how does food help that? Does it somehow push the gas down?
And before it's said: I'm NOT starving to death when it hits lol. There's a difference between the pains, though it's very subtle. It's also not my blood sugar. I've tested it at such times and it's normal.
Our last night in Chicago, we drove an hour outside the city to meet up with one of hubby's auction buddy's. I've never met him, so that was nice. It was also nice that hubby WANTED me to meet him primarily to get a "read" from him (in other words, is the friend REALLY a good guy) because they've bought some glass together throughout the years and hubby's afraid of getting "burned" again. The friend IS a good guy. His kids seemed amazing (17, 19 yo boys and 12 yo girl). His daughter had just gotten home, so the friend took hubby and I and his girl out to dinner (though we had JUST eaten Taco Bell lol). It was a Greek place which served huge portions. I got Mushroom bites and a French Onion soup. Ugh... I was beyond stuffed lol
I only had about 2 cigarettes a day while I was gone. THAT in itself almost killed me :cackle: and when I got home... boy did I make up for lost time!!
I had my e-cigs, on the trip, with me to help me along though. I went through about 2 cartridges a day :bang:
The traffic in Chicago is ridiculous!!! When we arrived, an automated sign informed us '828 deaths so far this year' When we left (about 5 days later), it was up to 838.
On the way over there, I drove everything except the last 2 hours (it's about a 10 hour drive after stopping for food and gas). I drove the rest of the time as well as the entire trip home. I don't mind driving. I LOVE to drive, but Chicago was an absolute trial by fire lol
Then hubby pushed my patience to the limits by listening to podcasts all the way back home. They were some sort of interviews between a woman named Georganne and Joseph Ferril (sp). They wouldn't have been so bad if that woman didn't make everything sound like phone sex :roll:
I finally see my p-doc this afternoon. Other than that, I'm doing NOTHING until at least tomorrow.
Oh yeah... and my chest has been popping for the last 3 days :bang: I knew it was coming lol, but at least they're tiny pops and don't leave me feeling like I had open heart surgery :cackle:
I thought my solo was horrible yesterday, but no one seemed to notice and I actually got a lot of compliments. I forgot everything I was going to play so I had to improvise. Usually that's not a problem, but I was too nervous to be able to think about it much. We're recording it tomorrow, so at least I have a chance to play something good. If any of you watch The Voice, Sylvia Yacoub's sister is in my class. Her singing was probably the only good part of the song.
I'll have to look up the Voice. I've heard a lot about it, but haven't seen it yet. I'm glad the audience enjoyed your performance :)
My rant is that I've not properly been back to sleep yet. I've napped in my chair but that's about it. So I quit lol... I'm heading out for a soda and a snack.
Also, my stupid thumb is driving me bananas. On the drive back, it started bothering me. It's a familiar pain but a very odd one. Where the outer (entire) side meets with the skin, it feels like there's a paper cut down it. Almost like the skin is pulled away from the nail. I have that problem at least a couple times a year and it never lasts for more than a few days. But it's annoying as heck. Looking at it, you can't obviously see anything is wrong. Wearing a bandaid, pulling the skin and nail together, helps a lot. But then it pulsates (probably from being wrapped too tightly lol) and I fiddle with the bandaid until it just falls off :roll:
Oh well. At least my rants are little things :)
I hope everyone is happy and well tonight.
Unable to sign up for next semester's classes because the university's health service doesn't have my Varicella vaccination records. Last time I checked I have a positive immunity to chickenpox...
Loving someone and being thoughtful of them is one thing. But when I can't even stand firm in my motivation to do well not only for myself, but for their well-being because I care for them deeply.
I don't want to see them sad, I don't want to fail (in life as a whole). I know what the outcome is if I were out of that person's life, and I can't bear to think about doing that at all, because she's awesome. She has such a complex and conflicting sides to her that makes her a stronger women than others I've met.
Sure I haven't went with all women, I mean, no one can (and that was to prevent myself from being condescending in my own rant) but all of them are just not what she goes through.
They go through their lives, taking advantage of something she's trying to be, and being part of her progress makes me feel extremely happy. I want to see her become the best woman she can be, I want to see her happy. Her happiness makes me happy, I'm perfectly fine if I have to sacrifice some things to make it so.
And it's not out of desperation, or that I want to burden myself. I'm already content with what I go through, and who I am, and I'm always open to find more about myself. Me being happy with myself, I've got that down, and I continue to find ways to find content within. I just want to see her be able to do the same, because she deserves it.
So what seems to be the problem? I think I've gotten the empathetic part down, but I find myself dissociated completely when it comes to grabbing the other side that always seeks to excel and keep getting better and better. It's like shit, it's either being one side, or the other, no meshing.
Like seriously, what the fuck. It's getting annoying. No, I'm not assuming I have DID or MPD, it's just a slight, not complete dissociation where even the serious part of me that actually gets things done eventually is conquered by the lazy empathetic side of me.
It's like the empathetic, or should I say, emotional side wants to dominate over the serious side, because it's just tired of the shit I made myself go through with being serious with all aspects in life, being too damn competitive.
But I'm pretty fucking sure that if this act keeps up, neither side is going to be alive along enough if I end up in the streets. Why the fuck can't that empathetic side that seems to be unconsciously controlling me when I'm giving advice and suggestions to other people (because honestly, as the serious side telling this), I honestly cannot fathom the amounts of fuckery this pathetic piece of shit gives.
Like really, how is he able to manifest that shit out of his head? He's really taking too much pleasure in seeing himself as a stationary phase that collects aspects of his personality, taking the good parts, and making himself feel like he's human.
Bold attempt to understand himself more, but if he continues dissociating himself more, he's going to regret it if he can't control or acknowledge that some parts of him need to be more dominant and controlling, or else the whole plan fucks up, the whole path he set forth.
If he can just realize that it's necessary to have myself out, even though he prefers being lukewarm, humanistic, and emotional, he can be on a better path than he is now. Now he's calling on me because he's out of place, but still is fearful of me being a part of him, because it'll just make himself more confused than he should be.
I don't think he's ready to accept that you conform to certain behaviors to increase the likelihood that you are happy in the end, even if the means and methods in doing so may not be reasonable to him. Of course it's not reasonable, because he keeps separating the burden between me, pathetic really.
I'm trying to help, he's trying to help me, it's just one cutesy love/hate relationship we have, but really, why can't he just accept that deciding to become aware that ignorance of this dissociation would've made him a better person in the first place?
Oh right, because then he'll be more confused on his purpose, and be constrained by family attachments that obviously would continue to send him to his nadir if he kept following their contradictions.
Obviously his father, or should I say, our father, isn't the one to blame...he's just using him as a scapegoat, completely ignoring the fact that his father wanted him to think for himself obviously when he saw that he didn't need his guidance as much anymore.
So when he doesn't know what the fuck to do? Who does he blame? Him.
If you want true enlightenment, detach yourself from blaming him for your shortcomings. He gave you everything you needed, and you followed through to make sure they weren't in vain. So stop using the person who's done everything for you as a scapegoat, just because you're confused and misguided.
And oh god, how he tries to reason with me when people make fun of him for being a shitty mess. He should realize those people can just go burn in hell, but no, trying to find the good in people, when obviously, everyone has their light and shadow.
Tries to see things beyond black and white, but just is not capable of conceptualizing it at all. You can't expect to have a cloudless sense of of judgement when you still letting the fucking cloud CLOUD the fucking judgement in the first place.
:facepalm:
Hi, this is Eva, as you know, to the people I've given suggestions to, just know that he purposefully dissociated himself for the sake of understanding himself more. He's just obsessive in his endeavors to find more about himself, but really cannot conceptualize how it really feels to see yourself in a different light.
It's just not possible in this reality, his brain is having a difficult time shifting accordingly. So if he looks like he's one person, and then the next, or him trying to sympathize and empathize, just forgive him.
He bitches about not being able to Lucid dream every single fucking day to himself, gets bored of waking life, and still goes back to being motivated throughout the night that he can still lucid dream, but still wakes up being disappointed.
I think he's forgetting an important part in destroying this mental block of his, me. He's getting a little better in forming a relationship, not an intimate one, mutual, because we both know that won't work out for long.
HA...HA.....he's such a wimp sometimes, but I love him either way. Extremely perverted, but denies it, can do such much with it in a good way, but doesn't see that being likely.
Oh well, he'll learn soon enough when he really gets down and dirty with a woman, he'll know....I've given him a taste of that in his dreams already.
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ANTI-RAVE: FUCK YEAH
TULPA COMPLETELY DID THAT SHIT JUST NOW.
FUCK YEAH, YEAH BITCHES, WHAT'S UP.
:boogie:
Sorry, I had to stop, she's making my body twitch, she's fucking enjoying this, but I think I'll stop before she gets too honest with me. Fuck....but I love doing this....mental orgasm.
Sorry. Sorry. Just.
Nooooooo, let me say something else!
Actually, I think we're agreeing that's enough for now.
Good night.
Don't mind what happened here, it's just a step towards having fun in this mortal life, don't mind us.
Can you tell which one is which anymore? HA. I'll just have him lie down on my lap and stroke his hair.
:P
A couple days ago I accidentally downloaded spyware to my computer. I was trying to download something specific and fell for one of those ads that look like genuine download buttons. I'm careful of those but this one did a good job at hiding its true agenda. It's called IncrediBar (MyStart) and is a terrible spyware.
1) It puts a search bar at the top which I can't get rid of by removing it in browser settings, and when the browser first loads and I click the regular URL bar it brings the cursor to that search bar.
2) It changed my homepage to its own site which loads an annoying loud video ad, which I also can't get rid of by changing my homepage or anything.
3) It tracks everything I type and sells it to criminals or advertising companies.
And it's apparently difficult to get rid of. My regular antispyware that's been reliable for about everything else didn't detect it, so I guess I'll have to find some other free one that will.
Chrome, and that would be great.
I started following instructions I found to remove it manually and the files it was telling me to delete from regedit weren't there. I don't want you to take much time or for it to be a big issue or anything. I could probably find some (free) antivirus that will detect and remove it if I googled for one eventually, I've mostly just been putting it off. But if there is some solution you know of which wouldn't trouble you much then of course it would be appreciated. :) I'm going to bed right now though.
The sandbox feature of chrome may have prevented any editing of the registry. A common soution that works for most folks is below. Failing that a scan with malwarebytes and superantispyware might help. Im not going to download to find out for you :lol:
Quote:
Open Chrome, click on the Settings Icon (wrench), and navigate to Tools > Extensions.
Select the MyStart plugin from the list (MyStart, MyStart.Incredibar, or any other suspicious plugin) and click disable, then remove.
Click on the wrench icon once again and select Settings.
Click the Manage search engines button.
Select your preferred search engine from the list and make it your default search engine (ie: Google).
Select MyStart Search from the list and remove it by clicking the “X” mark finish the removal process.
Been having trouble keeping everything we said that night out of my head. It's killing me and I need to write a 8 page paper in my philosophy class. I can't focus on it at all. I'm going to mention it here, since we are in a dreaming forum afterall, but one thing I cannot get out of my head about that night is something he purposefully tried to hurt me with.
He wanted me to know that he had a dream a few nights before that he had sex with one of his former crew members, and that she was sexy. Considering how much I care about dreaming and what they mean and you know, I'm not so stupid to think that he doesn't have sex dreams about other women. I admit though, I'm glad he doesn't tell me about them--usually. It's not like I don't have a few myself (Fox Mulder, yummy) but I can't believe he used something that he knows means a lot to me (dreaming) as a means to hurt me. He knows I have a fascination for analyzing my own dreams, and it's super hard to not try and analyze that one.
Things have chilled over the past few days, but it's still pretty awkward between us. For the first time, it doesn't feel like we're letting it go, which I think is good because it means we're both recognizing there is a major problem. We just can't seem to discuss it, but damn... I can't get that image out of my head now and it really hurts. Not only that, but the fact that I feel like he validated my lack of trust in him that night. It's not like I caught him in the act of lying, but I'm certain now that he misdirects me as to avoid answering my questions about what he's doing. For some reason he thinks that if I accuse him of lying, that I'm accusing him of cheating--which I'm not. People have many reasons for lying, and I understand that, but there's not one reason he should be lying to me about. I can see him doing it out of fear that I won't like where he is, but he should still tell me the truth. Lying to me about it only makes it worse. If I want to overreact, then let me, that's my problem, but don't lie and make it worse!
Ok. So... what do you guys think about him telling me about that dream? Any thoughts? Anything that might pull me out of worrying about it so much so that I can just focus on my paper?? It's driving me nuts.
And I tried talking to him last night, sort of. I asked him when we were going to discuss the other night... and he said we shouldn't worry about it right now... I know he's right in a way, because I have this paper and finals coming up so it's easier to ignore for now, but... I wonder if it's really going to get resolved..
Oh well, I've decided that I am NOT enrolling next semester. I'm not going to have anything to hold me down here. I'll have to finish next summer or next fall. I'm probably going to go against his wishes and get a job, too. That way I have something to fall back on if I need to leave in a hurry again. Just got to plan ahead I guess. It sucks to be in this kind of relationship, but I'm not going to keep playing the part of the victim. I know there's more I can do, and if I can't do it all at once, I'll take it a step at a time. The only problem is being able to control my thoughts in the mean time. :/
Run a system restore. You should install avast! antivirus software to give you better protection while surfing the web in future.
You know, if he was that guy that was nice to you, thoughtful of you, tried his best to learn from his mistakes, learn your mistakes, help you improve on them, and just try to make the relationship the best way both of you can make it through comprises, if he told you a sex dream, yeah, you could give him some slack.Quote:
Ok. So... what do you guys think about him telling me about that dream? Any thoughts? Anything that might pull me out of worrying about it so much so that I can just focus on my paper?? It's driving me nuts.
But this is a guy who's threaten to hurt you, almost hurts your child, throws you off like nothing and hangs out with his friends, clearly has a superiority complex (I mean come on, your family practically gives you two everything, if not, most of the necessities, and he acts like he's the only one sustaining the whole family (IIRC, you mentioned it in a different post).
Now, if you want your body inspected by a Fox Mulder, aFemale Body Inspector,I mean FBI agent, you go ahead and do that. Enjoy every moment of it, get that Kansas body satisfied anyway you can, because clearly, that jerk doesn't see a hot body and face when he sees one. He also doesn't see a considerate young female who cares so much for her children, and still has the decency to love a cruel, inconsiderate jerk.
I'm sure you're still holding on to him for the sake of the children, and that's understandable, but if he goes into detail on how the lady is sexy, and to me, he doesn't seem he is really into dreaming, but just takes advantage of you being serious in analyzing your dreams.
Look honey, the shit that goes on in his head, you don't need to analyze it, it's shit. You should know that, especially the bullshit you have to put up with him in the first place. You on the other, your mind is clearly just fine, nothing crazy or messed up about it. You're just trying to be sane as possible, trying to get a job, trying to have some kind of path in your life, you're trying to move forward.
This guy on the other hand, is moving backwards, even going so far to start insulting you with his sex dreams. Like seriously, you ever look at how cute and hot you are in those pictures? Not to be a creep, but I'm pretty sure other guys are bottling up their positive honest opinion about you.
You clearly have more enticing traits, along with good looks. I'd say that guy has a case of Incompetent Shit.
I don't mean to insult him like that, he is your partner, but is he the man you thought he was when you met him for the first time? Honestly, do you think he's going to change when he's went over the limit SEVERAL times? It's going to take some major rehabilitation for him to get anywhere being worthy to have a nice looking Kansas female like yourself with respectable motherly attributes.
He's just thinking about these sex dreams because in my opinion, feel he's running out of options, he's going to sound like a broken record to you. The guy basically did things to the extreme, he's just going to make things redundant. Same arguments over and over, and you trying to find the good in him somehow, but I'm pretty sure he isn't the man he was before.
Focus on your paper, don't worry about him. Concentrate that finishing that paper is important than dealing with these constant petty arguments he tries to give you. You're a smart girl because you focus on getting as many points as possible, you obviously want to work hard for it, so do that.
Get what's important first. And if you want to get a job, take the job. If he tries to restrict you from getting one, fuck him. Just go for it. Clearly he doesn't know that two people having jobs would be a good thing financially. How you go about making sure your children are taken care of if that happens, that's up to you of course.
If he's strongly rejecting you doing that, clearly he's has an issue in trying to sustain the alpha male status of being the one with a consistent job. So if you get one, what's that going to make him?
Equal. No matter how he tries to use his superiority complex on you, he'll still be equal, just like you in the relationship. Don't think he's going for equality. I don't know your personal situations as to why you have to stay with him (other than possibly for the sake of the children), but you keep those a secret if you want to.
Focus on the goal, your paper, finish it, and just do your best.
As for his dream analysis, I'll give you an analysis: His mind is going into shit, I'd even assume he's had thoughts of cheating fantasies. We all know how he'll end up. I'm not trying to instill paranoia or anything, but with him, to me, anything is possible as an act of desperation.
I don't know how he looks, and/or whether or not he can get females easily, but with someone like you, he must've worked really hard to get you, or you were being extremely generous if he played the moves on you. Just look at you, you're obviously a good-looking Kansas girl. (and if you're not born from Kansas, my apologies, just *insert location of birth here*
That's all there is to it cutie. ;)
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Rant: I was riding my bicycle back to class, and this girl seems to be gearing towards me with her bicycle, I try to dash by, but she dashes too. We crash a little, and she's like, "Sorry Bro."
-________-
Then I have this attractive Indian girl, who I sat next to because all the seats except for this one on the side were filled. I hate it went females accidentally hit you, and it's just a small contact, and they're like,
"OH MY GOD, CALL 911!! ARE YOU OKAY??!?!? I'M SO SORRY!"
It's okay. Seriously. I'm just a stranger, I'm not bleeding, you accidentally bumped my elbow.
Elbow, are you fine?
Elbow: I'm sorry what? I was busy suffocating as you brace me on the desk. Oh, a girl hit me? Lolwut? Okay Bro.
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I need to make a 85-95 on this next Organic Chemistry Exam, and at least a 66.7 on the final to get a D in this class. If I can get a D, just a FUCKING D, I'm going to be happy. SO HAPPY.
So many concepts, but I shouldn't panic, just take them one step at a time. Chapter 11 is going to be a bitch, but I seriously need to stop whining and just do what I can. >.<