Two nights ago was fun, I finally don't fear my new colleagues under the influence of alcohol. I went to a KTV session with my colleagues because I feel obliged to do so, I feel if I don't mix well with them I might not last in the job for long, you need people to like you in a job if you want to stay, or so it seems. But it's actually okay, they are all really nice people after I get to know them for 3 months. I'm just not used to social gatherings especially with a big group of 10 other people. Dinner with them was fine but when dinner ended, it suddenly strike me that I have to drink later and I'm worried which side of me will they see when I act under the influence of alcohol. That fear of revealing my true self slowly evolved into extreme uneasiness with a big group of people. I was trying hard not to clench my fist because I don't want them to see that I'm having a panic attack.
I thought if I drink a little, I'll feel better. But no, it didn't seem so. Alcohol definitely doesn't help with panic attack. It just get worse and worse. My head was screaming to go home, I want my mum. They must have thought I was depressed or something because I gave a face that showed no interest in having fun. I was sitting in the middle at that time and one of my closer colleagues was sitting at the corner. I figured if I shifted to the corner, maybe I'll feel better. But hell no, the tension seemed to lessen a little but I know it wouldn't go away. I need to do something physically about it or I'll just tensed up for the rest of the 5 hours they are going to stay there. By then, my panic attack has already lasted for nearly 2 hours.
I glanced at the room, I got up from my seat and walked out of the door without speaking a word. The door was conveniently beside me. I thought, maybe I could go to the toilet. Maybe I'll feel better. I noticed a door which led to the stairway right beside the toilet, I took a look at the stairway, hesitated my decision and went out to go to the toilet. Right at that moment 2 colleagues came out of the room to find me just as I was about to enter the toilet. He probably thought I was going to the toilet, probably drunk or something. So he went back to tell the others I'm fine. When in actual fact I'm not but I was glad everyone hadn't found out I'm not depressed or drunk, I'm just very, very afraid of the situation I was in.
I wanted to hide alone. When I got out of the toilet, another colleague, a female one, was waiting right outside for me. I told her to go back and she refused because she was worried about me. I didn't want to go back to the KTV room, especially when I had got out of it so she accompanied me to the stairway where there's no one around, there's even no air-con in there, it's just hot and stuffy. I really wanted to hide myself in a deserted place where no one will see me because I was afraid to go back to the room. And so I started chatting with her, although I do feel awfully bad for keeping her in this isolated place with me. She's one of my newer colleagues who came in after me so she's technically my junior and I don't fear her. My feelings were all good, my panic attack seemed to be fading away and I kind of like this isolated stairway. After around 20 minutes, she was trying to persuade me to go back, I was feeling better but I still fear the thought of going back. She pulled my arm, I heaved a sigh and I was back in the room again.
I no longer fear the company of big group, I was fine again or it could be because my mind was distracted. I was recollecting what happened in the stairway, thinking of how nice she is. And I spent the next half an hour trying to sit beside her so I could thank her. Then afterwards, I was feeling fine again and I decided to get myself a little tipsy because I was curious what I'll become. Turns out I just became a chatter, they were a little taken aback because I was usually pretty quiet. In fact, I was even able to control my thoughts, it's just the unnecessary fear was taken away when I decide to make an action. Guess I was not drunk enough to forget everything I did but I was really wobbly. I spent the rest of the night talking like I never did before and taking care of the girl who chatted with me till my panic attack subsided at the stairway. She was puking and I was telling her that I wouldn't be so nice to you once I'm sober so just let me take care of you.
Getting drunk is interesting, it's like I enter a dream state and I act like my dream self. It's like finally I'm being real to myself when I'm with people.
And after all that chunk, I haven't got to my real rant yet. My friend's 21st birthday is coming soon and unlike most of us, her family isn't going to plan a birthday party for her. She's one of my good friends and I wanted to make it special and memorable for her. When I was searching for deals of spa vouchers online, I noticed a yacht service for 3 hours that provides free flow of drinks and other activities. I decided I shall get it for her, it's about $400 USD and I'm working now so I thought it's fine. The deal ends in 5 hours so I didn't had enough time to transfer my money from the bank to my paypal account. I used the credit card that my mum lent me to pay for it first and when I'm done, I told my mum about it. My mum immediately went black face on me. We were arguing so badly, it got me crying. I felt like I was scolded for doing something nice. My mum sees it that I'm treating my friend nicer than I treat my family (family is implying herself in her context I believe). I was asking her why she value money with such importance. Money was not the utmost importance to me, it's not something invaluable to me, my trust is, I gave her my trust and she treats it as nothing. If I don't trust her, I wouldn't have tell her everything about me, every rash decision I was going to make or ever make, I wouldn't have tell her I spent $400 on a yacht to give my friend a birthday surprise knowing she'll scold me afterwards. How many kids in this world is as silly as me to do so?
So the whole point of our argument is I'm treating my friend nicer than I treat her and I wanted to do something for my friend because her family isn't celebrating for her. My mum even threatened to cancel my 21st birthday party because I view friends with more importance (she miraculously forgot she said that afterwards). I decided to end our argument because I'm going to just say more hurting things to her and that doesn't get us anywhere. It's been 4 hours since, I've been finding ways to cheer myself up like posting on twitter and watching a show, apparently it didn't help and I'm still bothered by it. Thus, the long rant here on DV. :|