Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

Sorry to hear that Carrot, and it's good that there's some people other than family who care about you. Hope things go well with your new colleagues, and yeah, it's no surprise alcohol feels like you're in the dream state, since it does numb down subtle reasoning temporarily that we take for granted. And you're not as silly as you think, you just wanted to let your friend have a good time for their birthday, and your mother probably just decided to forget about it because she probably realized how self-centered she felt at that time. I bet if you were to buy a present for your mother, she'd probably just go with the "Oh you didn't have to spend so much money on me silly!" phrase (or pretend that they're not as excited and go with a "whatever" expression when they're happy that their child had to work hard to give them an expensive gift)



But despite of her scolding, she is right to some extent. You could care less about the money as long as you know your friends are having a good time, because you like seeing them having a good time. You have a mental image of someone you can connect with, and to see that image continue being the way (her conflict with her family not celebrating) you want it to be leads you to make decisions that might end up getting you in financial or more emotional problems. I'm not saying that you're going to waste money just like that, since this transaction you wanted to take was for a special occasion, but do realize that money isn't the only way to make a special moment in a person's life any better.

There are many faces that make a person feel at ease, but I'm sure you just being there for your friend rather than using a slightly hefty sum of money will make them more than happy. Maybe when you're able to live by yourself and not worry too much about the conflict you have with your mother with financial aspects, you could have more freedom. But again, I don't know how easy it is for you to get money, and maybe $400 isn't that big of a deal in your perspective, but if at least one person is concerned about her birthday, just being there for her will make her think that her special day didn't go to a complete waste.

RANT X3 COMBO

Spoiler for little girls being huge bitches:

Sometimes, K and her little brother are just unreasonable. The moment I wanted to rant about was one day where we'd gotten food in Burger King. Usually, whenever they want to do something I'm okay with rolling along with whatever it is. Look at something in a store? Fair enough, we've got time. I'm usually patient enough so it doesn't cause any problems. But on this day it went crazy, I never get mad at them except for this time. They decided it was a good idea to shoot spitballs inside Burger King using the straws and the packaging, mostly at me. And this was the first time I really felt like I just couldn't stop them. K even asked me if I was angry - it was noticeable, and it's something that has never happened before. But they didn't stop... I just had no control at all from that moment.

It's probably a consequence of being too much of a yes-man. I've tended to give them things because hey, I have the money and nothing else to spend it on. They've learned that I'm easy to convince through nagging and begging, so they take it as far as they can. Since then, I've been working on being a little more strict. It's proving to be tough because they're seriously unreasonable. There's so many tiny things that are related to this. The little brother will get genuinely upset and start hitting me if he can't get his way, and K can sometimes go a very long way verbally. Nowadays it has less to do with money and more to do with actions. The one I notice the most hurts a lot every time it happens. I'll be hanging out with them and having a really good day, but it pretty much doesn't matter what time it is when I decide to leave, she'll give me all kinds of shit. I pretty much have to stay until night time in order to avoid ending on a bad note. She'll tell me that I'm stupid, give me some random slap, tell me she hates me or just say "go away" and turn her back on me without saying good bye... The last one is the worst.

Just recently I've tried telling her what I feel about some of those things. But being a kid, and a kid who doesn't want to deal with that, she goes into giggle-mode and lets any complaints fly right over her head. I suppose the problem with me is that I can't get serious. In many such situations, parents would do that grab arm and use angry-voice thing. Of course I can't do that firstly because I'm not their parents, but I seriously am incapable of conveying anything in a serious manner. Just last time, I said that if they keep doing stuff like what they do then I won't want to come and hang out. She didn't listen, but one of her friends repeated in sort of a shocked way; "K didn't you hear? He says he won't come and play anymore!". She straight up called bullshit on that.

On one side, she's seen right through me. If I did decide to stop coming, I'd miss her and the entire situation like crazy, so maybe I can't do that as she thinks. But on the other side, the way I felt after that one episode... I can imagine myself not wanting to go back. I didn't actually want to come back.

Spoiler for being in a state of complete human/emotional developmental standstill / parent rant:

My communication with my dad... Is null. I guess I'd call it annoying. It's always annoying when I'm having thoughts that I actually do want to share with someone, and all he talks about is trivial shit like the weather, something he's made in the house, my school stuff or my relatives. It's a vicious circle, too. I know that I could break it by just telling him the things that are important to me, but ironically I don't want to talk to him when he doesn't seem to be interested. For example, talking about my school is so frustrating because when that is the only thing about my life that he asks about, it implies that everything else is irrelevant. I've even once told him not to ask about those things, I guess hoping he'd ask about other things. But instead it resulted in trivial anecdotes and seemingly no interest at all. Just the other day I came home late at night and he didn't ask where I'd been. Is that normal? A normal weekday and he had no way to know where I'd been. Have I given him the impression that he isn't supposed to know? That what I do is a secret?

I realize that this is an irrational complaint. It's basically my job to open the communication, but I feel like I can't. And I don't want to because of all the built up antipathy...

And there are other irrational sides to this. Since I'm constantly annoyed at home and I guess I'm basically trying to avoid all contact with my dad, it also has the effect of me trying not to make myself noticed at home. I could have done exercise at home, I could have practiced my guitar playing skills. There's many things that I don't even realize I could do; I get little glimpses of how much more active I could be on days where I have the home to myself. This frustrates me on another level. The thing is, I've lived life like this for the past many years. Not only while living with my dad, but it was like this at my mom's place as well. It makes me realize now how stunted it has made me. I never, ever develop in any way at all when I am home. In all fields that have to do with, well, life, I feel like I lack behind. Emotionally, as a human, I'm at a complete standstill whenever I'm home. Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm even developing negatively.

One thing is realizing that I haven't gotten anywhere in the past 5 years. Another thing is realizing that I am continuously sitting in the same situation where I don't develop. Just thinking about what huge consequences that will have for the future? There are so, so many things in life I'll be unprepared for because I just haven't been exposed to anything.

Spoiler for the thing that happened / awkward interrogation/accusation:

So... The thing that happened last Friday...

At this point, my worries have gone in other directions, but this event really disturbed me.
So I was visiting K and as we sometimes do, we'd gone to the playground and begun playing tag. Usually a bunch of other kids join in too.

Anyway, I'll outline the events. There's this one really cheeky girl I'll call SquigglyS, who had my phone and was trying to get YouTube working. When she gave it back to me, a bunch of confusion started. Some woman from a window above called out to her and she went inside the building, meanwhile I saw a bunch of new icons on my phone, one of them looked like it wanted to tell me there was no SIM card in the phone. For a moment I was panicking, who knows what she might have done? She does seem like a bit of a troublemaker. Turns out it was just a distraction, it was just on airplane mode for some reason. She came back out, called for me to come over and specified that it had to be just me. She explained some confusing situation. Someone had to use my phone to call someone and tell them to call another number. Why couldn't they do it themselves? Why did it have to be my phone? No clue and I still don't know.

Anyway, I told the others that I'd be away for 2 min. I wouldn't have later been impatient if I hadn't told K that it would be only 2 minutes. So I walked up the stairwell with her and she knocked on a door. The instant the door opened, she basically blanked and went silent. Very unlike her. Some old woman had opened up, asked for my name and immediately followed up by asking me, "What are you doing playing around with those kids?". Oh. So, a very awkward conversation followed. I explained that I'm friends with K and that we sometimes hang out... Pretty straight forward. She suddenly flipped around and started being all apologetic and guilty for having implied anything. And after that she was just overly friendly the entire time, while still subtly expressing that she didn't approve of me hanging out with kids - I should be chatting with adults.

I was invited inside because it turned out that the phone thing was a real thing that still had to be taken care of. So I was now sitting in a sofa in this weird woman's living room, next to SquigglyS who was being so eerily silent. To me, this lady appeared to be the kind of woman who smokes, might even be an alcoholic, and she's so stressed out and perhaps depressed... There were two people she wanted to contact, one whom she called using my phone and another whom she sent a message to through my phone, apparently people she tries desperately to get in contact with. Kind of sad.

So... I don't really know about this situation. Previously, I've been so paranoid about what passers by might be thinking of me. I think this little episode confirmed my fears of what they might think. It really shouldn't bother me too much, though. I mean, on one side she's right. It is suspicious what I do, and hell, I am a pedophile so. But nothing that happened changes the fact that I wouldn't ever harm any of the kids, so this shouldn't affect me? But it does; just the accusation and the paranoia... And also the fact that I now know that I do stumble and fumble over my words when asked questions. Good god was it awkward.

But like I said, my worries went elsewhere. First I was just shocked and felt bad about the accusation, but later on I started thinking about how SquigglyS was acting. When I left the apartment, she didn't come with me, and when she finally did come back outside, she left us immediately without a word. What the hell caused her to change like that? I feel like I should have asked her, but I never did find out.

I don't think I'll be able to return to the playground without feeling watched and judged and paranoid ._ .

Thanks for sharing Maeni. I was curious what had happened.

Spoiler for more:

And that does seem to be a complicated situation. People are pretty paranoid about that type of thing. It seems like if a man even looks at a kid for more than a second people will get suspicious because our society is super paranoid about child rape.

I mean of course someone won't want an adult looking at their little girls in a sexual way. Even people who don't have kids, as a society people just feel they need to protect them. I don't know if it would even help if they were more aware that all pedophiles don't rape children. To them, it might not even matter that you'd never do anything to them. Because it's so ingrained in their minds that kids are completely non-sexual, the thought that anyone might feel attraction to one is disturbing and repulsive. So they just wouldn't like the thought that you might be enjoying it at all. And I don't know if you are, or if your choice to play with them is just a coincidence.

I'm guessing the older woman told SquigglyS not to hang around you anymore. That's probably what you're most worried of, but it probably is true.

The only people who seem to be able to get away with playing with kids without being looked at suspiciously are their relatives or female babysitters. The only way I can imagine might get rid of suspicion is if you had a female adult friend who was playing with them too, or something.

I'm sorry for the situation, it sounds like it's been difficult and will continue to be, but I hope you find some way to resolve it.

About the parents, there are similarities to my relationship with my own family. I won't go into detail, but I think that generally, we aren't supposed to live with our parents for as long as we do. That people are supposed to have problems with their parents, the specifics of which will differ among people. At this point in my life, I feel I should be on my own. Like I've been forced to live in my past every day, like I've been waking up every morning, returned to my childhood house, and every time I get this eerie sense like "why am I still here?" and I should have moved on.

I think we're naturally supposed to develop issues with our parents when we're teenagers. In nature, those issues would motivate us to leave them and to start our own lives. But now we need jobs, to rent homes, to attend school, etc. and so it makes more economic sense to continue living with our parents. So those issues that, in nature, would have driven us out a long time ago, continue to escalate, even into our 20's, until they reach a height and just never go away, leading to impeded mindsets and an inhibition of emotional growth.

I was living somewhere else for six months, and experienced indescribable emotional freedom. Like invisible chains I hadn't realized were there previously were finally being lifted from my mind. I could think clearly again, nothing bothered me as much, it was nice. But now I've returned to my parents, and it feels completely wrong and unnatural. I feel like those mental chains are on my mind again, and now that I know the difference I can hardly stand it.

I don't know what the fuck just happened, such that I just used 'fuck' twice in a sentence and I never even say it out loud.
So I'm cleaning because someone is stopping by the house tomorrow. I go to take the trash out. Like a moron, I carry my keys in one hand with a bag of trash. I toss the bag into the trash can...my keys fall in after it. I reach inside, hoping they haven't fallen to the bottom but I can't tell because it's dark.
I go inside to get a flashlight and on the way out grab a metal coat hanger so I can fish my keys out.
I take a few bags out and see that my keys have fallen to the bottom. While I'm trying to get my keys out...I drop the flashlight into the bottom of the trashcan. Like a moron.
I start laughing...also like a moron.

I had to take all the bags out so I could tip the can so I could reach the flashlight, because I'm short and the rim of the trashcan is about chest level.

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYY??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So this morning I was talking with my dad, and I ended up confiding to him that I haven't been studying as much as I should be over the last few days, but that today I'm going to try to change that. A few hours later, this exchange happened, which gave me another reason to never confide in my parents for anything like that:

dad: "So, I've been thinking with your degree... It's just so intensive, you have to study a lot... I don't know, I guess that's still what you want to do, right?"
me: "Yes."
dad: "Well, if you can get through it....... I was thinking, what can you do after it? I mean computer programming is something you can do when you're in your 20's or 30's, but when you're 50.... you can't really do that type of thing anymore, your mind can't do it anymore. I mean I can barely do my job anymore [lol]. So is there something else you could do with that degree?"
me: "Well, um, I don't know. That's a long time in the future."
dad: "Yeah... "
me: "Women's minds don't go as quickly, and it shouldn't matter anyway. If you keep using your mind every day then it won't fade by the time you're 50."
dad: "Yeah, yeah, okay..."

It's just very upsetting that he keeps hinting that I should switch my major because he thinks I'm too stupid or unmotivated or whatever. I'm sure the age thing was an excuse. And it's probably all because I didn't get into university I applied to. And yeah, I've been slacking with school in general lately, but I'm changing that now. It's this mental process, a learning process that will take a long time. There's so much to learn, I have to get back into actual programming and learning stuff once I'm finished with this course, which I haven't done in a while.

Programming alone, before anyone knew I was doing it, it was so fun. It was like this super fun creative process to me. Thinking about a program doing something, writing it, debugging it, and then eventually see it start to work and then fully work, exactly as I'd envisioned. It felt like magic, honestly. Like the most exciting thing I've ever experienced. That's why I went into this in the first place. But all this pressure and fear of failure and battles against time. It's ruining that for me and turned it into something stressful. I just have to keep taking courses, doing what I need to do, and hopefully I can get that feeling back once I'm ahead instead of behind.

I'm so bad at talking to my parents in general, because I get so nervous and afraid that I'll say something stupid or they'll make me upset. So I stay stupid things. Like I don't know where that "women's minds don't go as quickly" thing came from anyway. I can think things out if I'm typing them out, but I can't carry on a genuine conversation with someone who I'm not comfortable with. I just wanted it to be over with as quickly as possible so said whatever stupid thing came to mind. And of course now I regret it. What I should have said was what I thought later, that there's so much to do with a CS degree.

The only good part is that I was so upset at this exchange I was super productive for the rest of the day.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

So this morning I was talking with my dad, and I ended up confiding to him that I haven't been studying as much as I should be over the last few days, but that today I'm going to try to change that. A few hours later, this exchange happened, which gave me another reason to never confide in my parents for anything like that:

dad: "So, I've been thinking with your degree... It's just so intensive, you have to study a lot... I don't know, I guess that's still what you want to do, right?"
me: "Yes."
dad: "Well, if you can get through it....... I was thinking, what can you do after it? I mean computer programming is something you can do when you're in your 20's or 30's, but when you're 50.... you can't really do that type of thing anymore, your mind can't do it anymore. I mean I can barely do my job anymore [lol]. So is there something else you could do with that degree?"
me: "Well, um, I don't know. That's a long time in the future."
dad: "Yeah... "
me: "Women's minds don't go as quickly, and it shouldn't matter anyway. If you keep using your mind every day then it won't fade by the time you're 50."
dad: "Yeah, yeah, okay..."

It's just very upsetting that he keeps hinting that I should switch my major because he thinks I'm too stupid or unmotivated or whatever. I'm sure the age thing was an excuse. And it's probably all because I didn't get into university I applied to. And yeah, I've been slacking with school in general lately, but I'm changing that now. It's this mental process, a learning process that will take a long time. There's so much to learn, I have to get back into actual programming and learning stuff once I'm finished with this course, which I haven't done in a while.

Programming alone, before anyone knew I was doing it, it was so fun. It was like this super fun creative process to me. Thinking about a program doing something, writing it, debugging it, and then eventually see it start to work and then fully work, exactly as I'd envisioned. It felt like magic, honestly. Like the most exciting thing I've ever experienced. That's why I went into this in the first place. But all this pressure and fear of failure and battles against time. It's ruining that for me and turned it into something stressful. I just have to keep taking courses, doing what I need to do, and hopefully I can get that feeling back once I'm ahead instead of behind.

I'm so bad at talking to my parents in general, because I get so nervous and afraid that I'll say something stupid or they'll make me upset. So I stay stupid things. Like I don't know where that "women's minds don't go as quickly" thing came from anyway. I can think things out if I'm typing them out, but I can't carry on a genuine conversation with someone who I'm not comfortable with. I just wanted it to be over with as quickly as possible so said whatever stupid thing came to mind. And of course now I regret it. What I should have said was what I thought later, that there's so much to do with a CS degree.

The only good part is that I was so upset at this exchange I was super productive for the rest of the day.

There is a computer programmer that lives downstairs from us that's 55. See what I think of alot of adults, it's like they go to college get a job then do the same thing for years and years for the rest of their life. Their minds become dull. They aren't learning new things and many people just come home from work and watch tv or zombie out. Me personally I always want to be learning new things. Sometimes i get pushed on waves of motivation and really get into something and learn alot and do it. Other times I become unmotivated after awhile. Or I have to do things I don't feel impassioned or motivated to do and it is really hard for me. I'm same with talking to parents or people that just aren't understanding or would get offended if I said really what I felt or thought about what they are saying. It's like you could have said dad you are an idiot this is what I want to do but you would get a negative reaction so you say something that's in their acceptable view of thoughts or something like Girl's minds don't wear out as fast. Also often pressure from parents or anyone else becomes demotivating for me. In school sometimes I would get depressed by it and practically give up and not do anything same with parents trying to force me to do something and making threats. I guess I like being self motivated. Although that isn't always the most functional motivation dealing with the world.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

Thanks for sharing Maeni. I was curious what had happened.

Spoiler for more:

And that does seem to be a complicated situation. People are pretty paranoid about that type of thing. It seems like if a man even looks at a kid for more than a second people will get suspicious because our society is super paranoid about child rape.

I mean of course someone won't want an adult looking at their little girls in a sexual way. Even people who don't have kids, as a society people just feel they need to protect them. I don't know if it would even help if they were more aware that all pedophiles don't rape children. To them, it might not even matter that you'd never do anything to them. Because it's so ingrained in their minds that kids are completely non-sexual, the thought that anyone might feel attraction to one is disturbing and repulsive. So they just wouldn't like the thought that you might be enjoying it at all. And I don't know if you are, or if your choice to play with them is just a coincidence.

I'm guessing the older woman told SquigglyS not to hang around you anymore. That's probably what you're most worried of, but it probably is true.

The only people who seem to be able to get away with playing with kids without being looked at suspiciously are their relatives or female babysitters. The only way I can imagine might get rid of suspicion is if you had a female adult friend who was playing with them too, or something.

I'm sorry for the situation, it sounds like it's been difficult and will continue to be, but I hope you find some way to resolve it.

About the parents, there are similarities to my relationship with my own family. I won't go into detail, but I think that generally, we aren't supposed to live with our parents for as long as we do. That people are supposed to have problems with their parents, the specifics of which will differ among people. At this point in my life, I feel I should be on my own. Like I've been forced to live in my past every day, like I've been waking up every morning, returned to my childhood house, and every time I get this eerie sense like "why am I still here?" and I should have moved on.

I think we're naturally supposed to develop issues with our parents when we're teenagers. In nature, those issues would motivate us to leave them and to start our own lives. But now we need jobs, to rent homes, to attend school, etc. and so it makes more economic sense to continue living with our parents. So those issues that, in nature, would have driven us out a long time ago, continue to escalate, even into our 20's, until they reach a height and just never go away, leading to impeded mindsets and an inhibition of emotional growth.

I was living somewhere else for six months, and experienced indescribable emotional freedom. Like invisible chains I hadn't realized were there previously were finally being lifted from my mind. I could think clearly again, nothing bothered me as much, it was nice. But now I've returned to my parents, and it feels completely wrong and unnatural. I feel like those mental chains are on my mind again, and now that I know the difference I can hardly stand it.

Ugh. That is what I want. When I was younger I always told myself when I was 18 I would move out from my parents because I didn't like living with them. But here I am 19 living with my mom in an apartment. Going from my dad's house to my mom's house, until my mom lost her house then I had to move in with my dad then I got kicked out and slept by the river. Ended up sleeping on the floor at my mom's friends house (she didn't want me living there). Eventually we got an apartment and I share a room with my brother. It's been months and I still don't have a job. I'm in debt from a 3000 dollar hospital bill and going through bs not being able to get medi cal or something (I don't have health insurance). Everyday I feel like shit because parents put pressure on me for not having a job whatever. I've applied for jobs and had job interviews but haven't got one and honestly failing at it makes me less motivated. I see myself having a job and being less happy then ever. I have this sort of dream in my mind of living a nomadic existence and being free, pursuing my interests in nature and living my life on my own terms. Not being such a slave to the things I own. I really wish I could have some kind of steady source of income that didn't require me working for someone else. I just want to be free and independent. If I left where I am now I would most likely be on the streets, riding freight trains and hitch hiking. But that seems so dirty and difficult and dangerous. I would be living on other peoples charity and kindness. Being homeless is practically illegal. And being alone means there is no one there to help you when something bad happens. I'd rather have some kind of vehicle I could sleep in stealthily and camp out in remote areas. Another thing that goes through my mind is suicide. Sorry for my rambling....

Edit: Another thing is I don't think teenagers not getting along with parents is natural. I personally see my parents I if I ever have kids (I want kids someday) I am going to raise them differently than they did. it's almost like I have to take my parents mistakes in raising me and not do that to my kids to prove something. Although that sounds cruel against my parents.

EDIT EDIT EDIT: About the pedo thing. I totally notice and hate it. Look at kids parents give you an evil eye like you want to rape them. Then all this bullshit in society about sex being bad at certain ages or certain desires being wrong. I mean I don't think everyone should go out and have irresponsible sex or haves sex with someone against their will or even have sex with kids. It's more like we are animals. Animals at a certain age and maturity growing get sexual urges for the sake of reproduction. It's natural and nothing to be ashamed of! At the same time there is another end of spectrum of people being incredibly perverted and overly obsessed with sex and crazy porn. 9 year old girls dressing slutty. An entire shallow attitude among teens being expected to have sex and not be in love. To have short pointless relationships. To brag about having sex. I mean to me getting married, being in life long relationship with one person you love truly in my heart seems like the most fulfilling thing. Even when I was younger I thought that. To have security and acceptance of each other knowing that you are both totally committed. I don't know maybe I contradict myself.

Just realized, my hubby is my worst enemy from a past life, ....dreamt that he was scheming to get me when i was not expecting it, but he never achieved it. My daughter was in this dream as well...i couldn't have him near her either...which was odd BUT i can see why he is odd and getting ODDER by the day. He needs to learn and become a better person or this won't work if he doesn't learn what karma he needs to clean.

Anti Rant: So yesterday was actually the best day in my entire life omg. I've met Bring Me The Horizon (my favorite band). I gave Oli Sykes a high five, Matt Nicholls gave me a hug and I shook hands with Lee Malia, Jordan Fish and Matthew Kean. They also signed my bmth shirt and picture







August Burns Red signed my picture aswell;



And I've seen While She Sleeps and Attack Attack live;

There are people out there that act selfless so that others think they are not selfish, but they really only do this so that others want to be with them, which really is selfish.

There are also people out there, that change how they act and appear, so that they can gain the acceptance and be liked by more people, all the while being untrue to their real selves.

Which brings me to the fact that I act how I want when I want, and I try to be selfless but sometimes I'm honestly just a fucking asshole.

At least I can be honest to myself and others, regardless of how that makes them feel.

My friend started working on my knife yesterday. As he was doing it, it donned on me that I've been receiving symbolic gifts lately. The knife also serves a practical purpose, of course, in that having a knife on my belt on the road ensures I'll never have to use one. However I'm also imbedding an object inside the cord wrap handle. I believe it's called a monoki or something, I guess samurai used to do it. That's where most of the symbolic interest for the blade will be contained.

Anyway, I gave a tarot reading to a witch not too long ago and then one to her mother which was apparently so spot on the witch decided to reward me with a pendant. She only has a few, and only gives them away on special occasions. She also popped open two of her most precious bottles of wine in celebration. My friend, who introduced me to her and drank with us, received his pendant quite some time ago. As far as I know we're the only two people that own one (not even her daughter has one) Each one has a message, my friend's message is Abundance, mine's is Destiny.

The pendant to me is like a coin, pentacle or stone (depending on which tarot deck you use) and the knife is obviously a symbol for the suit of swords. So all I'm missing is a wand and a cup. Upon realizing the coincidence, I am compelled to rectify this. I'm also compelled to follow the tradition through which the I received the first two items, which is to say as gifts. I'm paying for the knife but my friend is sitting on ivory. Despite the fact that it has a certificate proving the elephant died of natural causes, it's still illegal to sell so he's going to give me a piece to make the monoki out of. I'm carving out the symbols myself but I still feel like I'll be receiving a sacred object from master smith, as well as a sacred object from a powerful witch (she also gave me some essential oils and ointments that's done some seriously positive work on my back). So yeah, I feel like I'm on at the start of a fucking quest right now. It's fun.

^I believe you just broke this thread after 541 pages.

I have a problem. Lately I've been intending to quit smoking weed (as usual) so I've been putting more and more space in between every time I use it, only smoking every few days and only with friends. I've still ultimately been doing it too much though, and I could tell that I was starting to get more anxious and paranoid effects than normal. So last night I ended up taking a very large hit of some very potent bud out of a four foot bong and got higher than I've ever been in my life. It was extremely physically uncomfortable and I started entering some kind of psychosis, if I was any less experienced at keeping myself stable things could've gone very badly. The only word I can think of to describe the emotion of the trip is "devastating", and that still falls incredibly short. It was like a panic attack to the extreme, and for weed I was hallucinating pretty intensely. It was dark.

The thing is, since I was able to see through the delusion, it actually left me feeling stronger than before. And that's good and all, but the issue is that it only leaves me wanting more. As soon as I got back down to a normal level of high I started smoking more, and eventually passed out with a migraine from exhaustion. Then I woke up today and smoked some more. I still have head pressure and lots of brain fog and it's only going to get worse if I don't stop. Which I completely intend to, but still, that hasn't always meant much in the past....

It's not like it's addictive or something, in fact I'm sure my body and mind will start feeling significantly better when I stop, it's really not pleasurable at all. But my problem is that I like tripping so much that I don't care. It's the exact same situation as it was with diphenhydramine. I'm willing to put up with something that's terrible for me and horrifying for the sake of having incredibly abstract experiences. I'm driven by some kind of primal need to hallucinate, and the more disrupted my thinking abilities are the more easily that happens. Fear-based hallucinogens like deliriants and high doses of cannabinoids also happen to satisfy some sort of twisted desire in me, in addition to just being very intense drugs. There's a demented sense of power I get from being able to stay in control in a situation that normally pushes people over the edge. The thought of pushing myself further so that I can be able to withstand more and more draws me back every time.

I can already tell even just from the way I'm making this post. I'm focusing on the "good" aspects of the experience and ignoring the bad, like the fact that I've like never felt physically or mentally worse in my life than I did during that experience. I have to stop this before it goes on long enough that I convince myself to go back. It's one thing to try to harden your mind at a healthy pace and while in good shape, but this is just me destroying myself for the sake of seeing what it's like. I'm going to reach a breaking point soon if I don't let my mind and body take a long time off to recover.

I need to get my act together....

I can relate to that feeling so much more mature and free away from parents thing, I agree it is probably ingrained in us.

When I went on that motorbike trip to Queensland, I was SOOOO close to just getting a job and staying there.
The only thing was I didn't wanna take the risk of sticking around in one place too long coz money was running out.
But just doing my own thing was the best I have felt for a very long time.

Rant: I just went to hand in more resumes, went to this computer shop and the guy starts asking questions, first he
says

Spoiler for stupid fuckery:

"What antivirus program do you use?" I'm like "uhm, I used to use AVG but now just windows defender"
And he's like "so what do you use to remove viruses?" I'm like LOL WHAT??? the fuck?
The question was absurd, I use antivirus to remove viruses, moron. lol
Anyway, so I'm just like "uh.... AVG?"

Then he asks me what I use to copy discs, and I'm like "Do you mean just backup harddrives?"
And he said yeah, so I was like ".... uh just windows backup?" (Why the flying fuck would you use another program when windows can do it?)

Anyway, then he gets a motherboard and says "tell me about this". Fuck I hate these questions. So I'm like "just tell you.... what's on it?"
"Tell me everything about it".

Great.... so I just start naming everything I know, then he asks where the North Bridge is, I had no fucking idea, so I just looked around, saw an N and pointed to that.
Then he asked south bridge, so I just used deduction and pointed on the opposite side (which is wrong, obviously).

WHY DO I NEED TO KNOW WHERE THE FUCKING BRIDGES ARE TO WORK IN A SHITTY LITTLE COMPUTER SHOP!???
Most of the job would be telling people which components can go together, which I can do with ease, and running anti-virus or formatting.

This guy was just one of those typical elitist dickheads that are so common in IT.
They piss me off like nothing else....

However I did keep going after that embarrassment of not knowing enough and went to another place to apply for a job. So that's pretty good I guess.
This job hunting really wears on you though, I feel like I'm just a complete outcast that nobody likes enough to even hire me for a job I can easily do.

Just found out that next year I'll be the co-chair of my entire school's council which means I have to meet with my headteacher and everything but I get a pretty little badge. ^_^

So this girl that I love can't be in my life until December. She told me she loves me more than she wants to admit, but she also told me that maybe I should just forget about her. I think that might just be her depression speaking though. She's left my life to get better or something. She wanted me to give her a picture of myself, so I hope we do return to each others lives, but it will just be difficult until then.

Originally Posted by HoC

So this girl that I love can't be in my life until December. She told me she loves me more than she wants to admit, but she also told me that maybe I should just forget about her. I think that might just be her depression speaking though. She's left my life to get better or something. She wanted me to give her a picture of myself, so I hope we do return to each others lives, but it will just be difficult until then.

People with depression tend to not being able to see happy endings no matter what. So give her the time she needs, and I'm sure when she starts to see the world with a brighter light she will remember you

This job hunting really wears on you though, I feel like I'm just a complete outcast that nobody likes enough to even hire me for a job I can easily do.

Remember that you differ from many in your situation because you're actually trying as hard as possible to get a job. You're struggling to solve your life, and no one can tell you you're a lazy useless guy. Don't forget that

Originally Posted by zoth00

People with depression tend to not being able to see happy endings no matter what. So give her the time she needs, and I'm sure when she starts to see the world with a brighter light she will remember you

Thanks for saying that, it means a lot, some people have said that I should just move on because she doesn't love me, but they really don't know anything about our relationship. I'm planning on regularly sending her emails so she knows that I haven't forgotten about her, and that I still care about her.

Originally Posted by tommo

However I did keep going after that embarrassment of not knowing enough and went to another place to apply for a job. So that's pretty good I guess.

Yeah, it is. You should be proud of yourself for that. It would be too easy after an experience like that to just go home and mope.

*Tries again to apply for jobs.....sees where it goes once again.

I haven't posted here in a very long time, and I can't even begin to catch up. So, I've only skimmed through this last page. (Probably missed some stuff too...)

Carrot: I understand where you're coming from there. I avoid drinking for that reason, well, that and I can't stand the taste of anything I've tried. But I'm not good at letting my guard down. Only around real close friends could I do it, and by that point I can probably let my guard down without taking anything.

Dianeva: I sorta agree with you, in that moving out seems to help immensely. My family actually treats me really well, and I don't appreciate it like I should... but even then, I felt a million times better after going to college and living away from them. Started to really come out of my shell and develop close friends, too. I'm sure that it would help you too, and I hope you get the chance... sorry I don't have helpful advice.

Aly: I worry about you. Since months and months ago when I first told you I tried weed, I've slowly progressed to taking it a couple times a week. Lately I've had to cut back because it seemed to seriously irritate my lip... I lost one day of work last week because of terrible insomnia. I was tasting blood the whole night and fending off nausea. Since then I've seen a dentist, started taking some nasty medicated mouthwash and it seems to be helping, but I'm not totally healed yet and I've still smoked since. I can't even wait to fully heal... I wouldn't say I'm addicted but I worry sometimes. I hope that you can find what's best for you, in the end... it sounds like you have trouble moderating it and I don't know if you could handle stopping cold turkey, either. But I really hope for the best.

Now as for why I'm back...

A close friend of mine (incidentally the main reason I started to smoke weed, but that's a different story)... well, he's got it pretty rough. He has some longstanding mental health conditions, some of which I knew and some I didn't. But he seemed fairly happy, healthy and successful, so none of us saw a reason to worry about him.

As it turns out, he has some schizophrenia symptoms. Relatively severe ones. This came to light yesterday... he had been talking about college stuff for a bit, but then we learned from his family that he hasn't attended college since 2009... he was also totally convinced his car was in disrepair when it actually works fine. We don't even know what else he could have been confused about, but he's definitely out of phase with reality in some ways.

We've got a tight-knit group of friends out here, but we're all terribly worried about him... It sounds like a terrifying thing. The thing I am worried about the most is that a few months ago, he was convinced he'd devised his own medical treatment to "cure" his psychosis. The improvement was so noticeable that nobody thought to doubt him, but now I'm worried that it's somehow made things worse.

...I guess the important thing for now is that he's physically stable and definitely non-violent. He voluntarily admitted himself to the hospital yesterday and I'm not sure where things have gone since then, but the hope is that things will recover once he's back on his proper medications. It's a scary thing to dwell on, though... losing touch with reality. I think anyone sufficiently interested in dreams worries about that possibility at some point, but to know that he's actually living it... it sounds like a nightmare that's hard to wake up from.

After refusing to try sushi for my entire life, I decided to finally try it. Nothing with fish since I don't even like most fish, just some yam rolls and california rolls (I don't mind crab (or uh, I tried it in ravioli once and it was good)).

And it's absolutely disgusting. Worse than I even imagined. The yam inside the yam rolls makes eating them somewhat bearable but it's still hard to get them down, just because of the cold rice. I've forced myself to eat most of it but with 3 California rolls left I just can't anymore. When I felt how cold it was at first, I was about to microwave it but my brother was like "NO! That would completely ruin it." But it's horrible, bland and cold..... I don't know how people actually like this. And my family said this was the best sushi place around here. I feel like I'm gonna be sick though; never trying sushi again.

I'm actually surprised by how terrible it is. I mean the idea of "raw fish and seaweed" always sounded terrible, but it looks pretty and so many people like it, I thought maybe there is something to it, especially if I don't order fish? But at least I can say I've tried it now. I can now honestly say "I don't like it" instead of "I've never tried it and don't want to."

------------



But... but..... they aren't boring!

Originally Posted by Singularity125

Aly: I worry about you. Since months and months ago when I first told you I tried weed, I've slowly progressed to taking it a couple times a week. Lately I've had to cut back because it seemed to seriously irritate my lip... I lost one day of work last week because of terrible insomnia. I was tasting blood the whole night and fending off nausea. Since then I've seen a dentist, started taking some nasty medicated mouthwash and it seems to be helping, but I'm not totally healed yet and I've still smoked since. I can't even wait to fully heal... I wouldn't say I'm addicted but I worry sometimes. I hope that you can find what's best for you, in the end... it sounds like you have trouble moderating it and I don't know if you could handle stopping cold turkey, either. But I really hope for the best.

That's really odd, I haven't heard of anyone having something like that happening.... Do you have any common allergies, like fruits or pine? Many of the same terpenes that give them their aroma can be found in bud.

Thank you, the concern is really appreciated. I'm already feeling much better today, probably because I haven't smoked. I've been trying to be healthier lately too though and I think that's contributing as well. I still really want to smoke though, but... not with that memory fresh in my mind. It honestly wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't for the physical discomfort. Like don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish that negative mindset on my worst enemy... but I can handle it. The head pressure is something else, it's terrible. This has actually happened before, though. I quit smoking for six months once because it got this bad before. It wasn't this psychedelic, that seems to be sort of a constantly increasing thing even with breaks, but it was this physically uncomfortable. That was when I was having panic attacks all the time. I'd really like to just do the same again, take a really long break, and then go back but just use it very occasionally, like I would any other drug. When my tolerance is low and I haven't been overdoing it's still incredibly euphoric and acid-like, and after that trip two nights ago I can't help but wonder what it would be like to bring out that side of it in good health and with a more positive mindset. I'm thinking about just trying to use another large dose like that and taking a few deep inhales of nitrous oxide as it's peaking, to smooth it out and intensify the high at the same time. It would be pretty interesting if I could reach a total ego loss on a weed-based trip....

Anyway, if you're worried about your weed usage, then just stop for a while. There won't be any real consequences, other than wishing you could smoke. You have to really want to quit, though. It's too easy to talk yourself back into it if you're not committed, since there are generally no real consequences for relapsing, either. My issue is that even with how bad things have gotten up until now I haven't genuinely wanted to take a break, I just knew that I should. But if you're really concerned, just do it and don't look back. Don't let yourself think you're subservient to it, it's just weed.

Originally Posted by Singularity125

Now as for why I'm back...

A close friend of mine (incidentally the main reason I started to smoke weed, but that's a different story)... well, he's got it pretty rough. He has some longstanding mental health conditions, some of which I knew and some I didn't. But he seemed fairly happy, healthy and successful, so none of us saw a reason to worry about him.

As it turns out, he has some schizophrenia symptoms. Relatively severe ones. This came to light yesterday... he had been talking about college stuff for a bit, but then we learned from his family that he hasn't attended college since 2009... he was also totally convinced his car was in disrepair when it actually works fine. We don't even know what else he could have been confused about, but he's definitely out of phase with reality in some ways.

We've got a tight-knit group of friends out here, but we're all terribly worried about him... It sounds like a terrifying thing. The thing I am worried about the most is that a few months ago, he was convinced he'd devised his own medical treatment to "cure" his psychosis. The improvement was so noticeable that nobody thought to doubt him, but now I'm worried that it's somehow made things worse.

...I guess the important thing for now is that he's physically stable and definitely non-violent. He voluntarily admitted himself to the hospital yesterday and I'm not sure where things have gone since then, but the hope is that things will recover once he's back on his proper medications. It's a scary thing to dwell on, though... losing touch with reality. I think anyone sufficiently interested in dreams worries about that possibility at some point, but to know that he's actually living it... it sounds like a nightmare that's hard to wake up from.

I'm very sorry to hear about that. I hope the treatment goes well for him, and it's a good thing that he's so cooperative about it. If you don't mind me asking, if you actually know, what was his treatment to cure himself?

Originally Posted by Dianeva

After refusing to try sushi for my entire life, I decided to finally try it. Nothing with fish since I don't even like most fish, just some yam rolls and california rolls (I don't mind crab (or uh, I tried it in ravioli once and it was good)).

And it's absolutely disgusting. Worse than I even imagined. The yam inside the yam rolls makes eating them somewhat bearable but it's still hard to get them down, just because of the cold rice. I've forced myself to eat most of it but with 3 California rolls left I just can't anymore. When I felt how cold it was at first, I was about to microwave it but my brother was like "NO! That would completely ruin it." But it's horrible, bland and cold..... I don't know how people actually like this. And my family said this was the best sushi place around here. I feel like I'm gonna be sick though; never trying sushi again.

I'm actually surprised by how terrible it is. I mean the idea of "raw fish and seaweed" always sounded terrible, but it looks pretty and so many people like it, I thought maybe there is something to it, especially if I don't order fish? But at least I can say I've tried it now. I can now honestly say "I don't like it" instead of "I've never tried it and don't want to."

This confirms all my suspicions. I'll probably never try sushi now lol.

Also, that dream actually seemed pretty intense.

Kept waking up all morning from the same stupid dream. Its funny how my nightmares I'm never scared of any beings or things. No my nightmares are just average everyday things that I can't control and have no say in that effect me negatively and I just dream them over and over again. Missed my first two classes this morning. need to stop doing that, but at least I turned in higher education scholarship for next year. also one more bowl saved for tomorrow. don't know if i'll buy anymore once I smoke it. thinking of quiting again. I kind of got hooked to blu cigs for a while. Two puffs in between every class. but once I smoked three and ran out, I could feel the stress caused by craving it between classees so I quit those.

I feel all over the place.

Originally Posted by Carrot

Two nights ago was fun, I finally don't fear my new colleagues under the influence of alcohol. I went to a KTV session with my colleagues because I feel obliged to do so, I feel if I don't mix well with them I might not last in the job for long, you need people to like you in a job if you want to stay, or so it seems. But it's actually okay, they are all really nice people after I get to know them for 3 months. I'm just not used to social gatherings especially with a big group of 10 other people. Dinner with them was fine but when dinner ended, it suddenly strike me that I have to drink later and I'm worried which side of me will they see when I act under the influence of alcohol. That fear of revealing my true self slowly evolved into extreme uneasiness with a big group of people. I was trying hard not to clench my fist because I don't want them to see that I'm having a panic attack.
|

because of this I usually carry something in my pocket that I can pull out and mess with to keep my hands and my mind busy, I noticed If I keep my mind busy it helps me with social gatherings, but I'm still kind of awkward, I just don't feel awkward about it just others. I carry a pen, or a pocket watch, sometimes a compass, the compass really throws people off.

When I'm happy I can't remember what it feels like to be depressed. When I'm depressed I can't imagine I've ever felt any other way.

It's the border thing again. My family is moving in two days to a temporary new house, in this crappy city off Vancouver where we used to live. I associate childhood with it, so I feel like I'm going backwards again. The activities involved with moving have, for some reason, strongly been reminding me that I didn't get through the border and are making me feel lonely and hopeless. This fucked up shadow of a family that I can barely stand is moving and I wasn't supposed to be here for it.

Spoiler for long rant that wasn't supposed to be part of this post:

(I've been sitting here for like an hour deleting segments from this post, now it's downsized like halfway. I'm just going to hit submit now so I can go to bed.)

My boyfriend had long hair, but he had to get it cut a couple days ago so that he could get a job. He was self-conscious about it, but after getting a few requests on Facebook that he put a picture up, he finally did. Then like twenty people liked and commented on it. Eight people commented on how good-looking or handsome he was.

The commenters included my mom, who posted "I had no idea you were that good looking!" I was initially annoyed because it sounded like she was implying she thought he was ugly before, which I'm almost sure was true. He is fat, and while he was living here she had a long, agonizing discussion with me about how she doesn't like him and thinks I can do better, and that was one of the reasons she brought up (that he's fat). In fact I'm sure that was 1st or at least 2nd on her list of reasons, but she only brought it up at the end like it was an afterthought so as not to sound vain. Later after her post, she mentioned it to me, saying she can't believe how good he looked, he's actually handsome and she could never see it before because his hair was in the way. She also said she hoped he hadn't gotten the wrong impression from her comment.

I'm not sure why exactly but all of this bothers me a lot. The comments are good because they'll make him feel better about himself. But my mom's vanity in particular annoys the fuck out of me. If she were just a vain bitch, that would be one thing. But it's extra irritating that she pretends not to be. She makes fun of my dad's sisters for being stuck-up, rich bitches who care so much about their appearances. It's like she thinks she knows what's really important and is all down-to-earth. But that's only because we aren't rich, and she isn't young anymore, and she's always been anti-social. I can tell that, if she were rich, young and good socially, she'd be worse than they are. She'd enjoy being pampered and looking down on all the little people. She wouldn't be a decent person at all. She's only forced to act unlike that because she doesn't have the right cards for it.