So the other thing that makes me mad is a girl (whom we will call "C") from my sophomore year at High School, in art class. Look, I swear I try to be very kind and supportive of blossoming artists, but her art was not good. It looked like a 5-year-old drew it. I draw a fair amount and I'm fairly confident in saying that I was the most skilled artist at the table. This is important to the story.
So, first day of art class, I sit with a person (whom we will call "L") that kind of annoys me, but is very kind, and she was the only person in the class that I knew and was in any way comfortable around. She's on the autism spectrum, so the majority of the class looked down on her heavily (not saying that is in any way an ok thing). Since I was associating myself with her, I was also looked down upon heavily. So. Her friend C sat with us (I didn't know her at the time), along with another sort of "outcast" (whom we will call "A") who was sitting at the last seat at our four-person table by default.
So. Art class is fine for a while, as we do little line exercises, learn about form, color, etc., and do little abstract stuff. But as we get into more complex things, I notice that C picks out every little imperfection in my art, though I never ask for criticism. I notice she does not do this with our mutual friend, or the other kid sitting with us. At first I say things like, "heh, yeah, I know." Then I move on to, "hey, I get that, but please don't give me criticism unless I ask for it." She does not stop. Sometimes she won't comment, but she'll "subtly" glance over at my art, suck in through her teeth like she's just seen someone fall off their bike, and then go back to her art without saying anything. After experiencing this every day in art class, I slip further and further down my rope.
I try every kind tactic I can think of, but she doesn't change her ways a bit. And remember, I can't switch seats, because I had already become a part of the "weird" table.
I start getting in trouble with the teacher for doing all of my art at home (and reading in class, instead).
And I mean, I beat myself down at every given opportunity, you know? But I try my hardest, I really do, to be as painfully polite as possible (unless I feel like I have no other choice.. ahem). So it took me months to finally come decisively to the realization that she was jealous of my art. It was the only conclusion I could come to. She felt bad about her art, and I can sympathize with that, but putting others down is not the way to make yourself feel better, god damnit.
You know how when you really despise someone, you imagine beating them up? You'd never REALLY do it, but you like to imagine you would? And you never tell anyone either, but you know everybody does it? Well. Come the day our self-portraits are due. I spent hours that night, slaving over this fucking self-portrait. At the end, I was very proud of it. It was probably the best thing I'd ever produced in that class. But I'm aware of what looks wrong. I stared at that thing for probably 6 hours total. I am fucking aware of what it looks like. So I bring it into class the next day. My friend (L) really wants to see my self-portrait. I was planning on keeping it securely hidden away in my folder until I turned it in, since I didn't want to put up with the shit that C would give me. But, at L's goading, I gave in. Before taking it out, I prefaced it by saying something like, "I know there's some things wrong with it, and the eyes are out of proportion and the neck is messed up and stuff, but I'm pretty proud of it overall. Please don't point anything out about it. I already know."
So then I take it out. And you'll never guess what happens.
Did you guess that C points things out anyway?
How did you know?
Cue a derisive giggle. "The eyes are too big. The neck is really thick! It makes you look stupid, haha! What's even going on over there?"
I won't say I snapped. But, I did run out of patience. I took a calm breath. I looked C in the eyes, and said, "C, if you say something about my art again, I swear to god I will punch you in the fucking throat."
I'm not saying that was right of me. I'm not saying I would do it either (see the violent fantasy section above). But, that's what I said.
So the next day, we're drawing, showing our art to others, etc. I notice an unusual absence of criticism from C. Not wanting to jinx myself, but too curious to resist, I say, "what, you're not going to say anything about my art?"
"You said.. you would punch me.. in the throat.. if I did.."
I smiled and went back to what I was doing without another word about it. I had won, and granted myself the rest of the year in peace. See, kids? Blatant threats are the best way to solve your problems. Apparently.
So, anyway. Threatening her into silence made me feel very nice, but I still get angry when I think about that time, because I actually suffer from social anxiety quite a bit, and so having that kind of constant pressure, I think, suppressed my art that year. At least a little.